by Emjay Soren
“I know.” I say and what I am referring to is that it is misshapen. I know enough about basic needs and I can tell that my son, my flesh and blood hasn’t had his met. I am livid and ready to snap. Even if this boy wasn’t my kid, and I am 90% sure he is, even if he wasn’t I would be hell bent on finding those responsible for neglecting him.
“We can get him in with Dr. Langley ASAP but legally I don’t know where to start. You need to call Tayla and see what we do first as far as legal. He will need diapers, in the right size mind you because that tart you knocked up has him in a size three and he needs a four. Poor baby has a rash from hell on his sweet behind.”
“I can get whatever he needs...” I say, and my mind is spinning. I have no idea what all I need. My mind is racing towards cribs, some diapers and bottles… when it hits me. “We can’t let Tay know about this right yet mom.” I say, and I feel my heart hammering. This gets to her before I have all the info I need and any shot of redemption and a chance to prove my worth will be gone.
“Why on earth would you not want Tayla involved here Calvin?” My mom asks, and my dad’s eyes are on me and that man knows exactly why.
“Because I need a minute to process this mom and I don’t want business interfering just yet. I just want some time to process this.” I say, and I am panicking for all the wrong reasons. She will never forgive me. The time frame of this little guy , calculating in the nine months that she was pregnant and the all too familiar memories of fucking Jenny Pope was all happening while I was dicking around with Tayla. This will all explode undoubtedly, and I know it, but I need a fucking minute to process it.
“Calvin, he needs a doctor!” My mom snaps as my dad places his hand on her shoulder to soothe her.
“Give me a minute with Cal babe.” My dad says, and I know he will chew my ass, but thank God he follows guy code and waits for my mom to leave the room, keeping my secret a little longer.
You’re fucking around with Tayla aren’t you?” He asks and doesn’t wait for me to respond. “Does she care for you?”
I stand and start pacing, my hands rubbing up and down my face. “Yes, but it’s complicated dad.”
It’s easier to talk to him about this but not by much. Tay is loved by everyone and my family is no exception. I have always suspected my dad knew but he respected us enough to not confront me until now.
“And I am guessing this will be the end for you guys?” He says, and I can hear the disappointment in his voice.
“I already fucked things up with her dad now this will just make redemption impossible.” I say, and I must sit back down because I may just pass out.
“Jesus Christ Cal.” He says and nothing else as he leaves the room. I know he is angry over the fact I was fucking around but also for hurting Tayla. I am not, nor have I ever been the type to shirk my responsibilities and they know that. They may be disappointed in my actions and worried for Axe as well as me, but I believe they know that with him in the picture I will do whatever it takes to make that boy strong and happy.
I finally make my way into the kitchen where my dad is holding my weeping mother in his arms and I hate that this is how they meet their grandson. I hate that this is how I meet my first child. I want to rage at Jenny for so many things, but the top of my list is the fact I didn’t know he existed. How he has been living up to now is my second concern and that bitch will never see him again if it is the last thing I do.
“I need your help because I do agree he needs a doctor and he needs one quickly. I am not involving Tay or the guys in this. I’ll call Shame but that’s it. Everyone else has too much shit on their plate. I am going to the lawyer’s office to get a referral for the best custody lawyer in Seattle.”
My mother wipes under her eyes and stands up straight. “We need to call social services Cal. We need temporary custody of him.”
She is right and within minutes she is on the phone with them. I leave to find the best attorney my money can buy, and shoot Shame a text to meet me at Craig’s office because it is an emergency. Craig has handled TAT business since we agreed to go on the Sinners tour. He is local and was small business before coming on full time with TAT and he was a great find. I am hoping he knows his shit in family law too. ‘
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along mockingbird
You don’t affect me
Chapter Two
Cal
“What’s up?” Shamus says when he meets me at Craig’s office. I am in the parking lot smoking a Marlboro red. Not the wisest choice considering I am trying to get custody of my son I met not more than three hours ago, but this old habit never really got broken and it’s the only thing keeping me calm right now.
I flick my smoke and smother it with the toe of my shoes and stuff my hands in my pockets trying to figure out how to not choke on my next words. Shame knows me better than anyone though and he can tell I am freaking out.
“Bro whatever has you stressed we can figure it out.” He says and places his hand on my shoulder.
“Guess who’s gonna be an uncle?” I say and rely on my lame jokes to break tension.
“What?” He says and claps his hands with a huge smile. “Jace and Krissy are having a baby?” He asks, and I didn’t think he might assume I meant my brother and his wife.
So, I do what I always do and just blurt it out. “No dude. I am a dad.”
I watch his smile go from happy to confusion in a flash. “What?”
I nod and look to Craig’s office. “That’s why I asked you to meet me here dude. I am freaking out.”
“Tay?” He asks and then I see his face go completely pale. “Jesus Cal, please tell me it’s Tay that’s pregnant.”
Oh, shit is all I can think. It isn’t just bad, but bad. He didn’t hear me right. “No, it isn’t Tay, and no one is pregnant dude. I already have a kid.”
Ah, there it is. The 'oh fuck' face I was expecting.
“Yep! Pretty much dude.” I say and roll my head to crack my neck making him cringe at the sound, a small joy for the moment.
“Who’s the mom?” He asks the most obvious of questions.
“Remember Jenny Pope?” I ask with my head down, looking at him over the top of my sunglasses.
“No way? Fuck Cal seriously? Jenny Pope without protection?” He shakes his head and starts pacing, his nerves now shot too. I knew he would take this news hard because of how tight we are, but that bond is why he was my first call.
“I know what you’re thinking dude and I have no doubt that boy is mine. He has a set of matching Dorian peepers.”
He is still shaking his head but as I answered the one question I knew he’d ask I saw the realization set in. “How old is this kid?” He asks and stops pacing when he leans against the side of my Jeep.
“She told my mom he’s almost two.” I say and now I am shaking my head as I am reminded of how neglected he has been and in the same blink of an eye I vow to never let him feel an ounce of neglect again.
“So, I assume it’s why you wanted me to meet you here? For a DNA test?” He asks, and I am again shaking my head.
“I know I’ll need one, but I am certain he is my kid. Thing is though, this little boy is so far off how Noelle acts dude and his head is not shaped right. He hasn’t been anyone’s priority. He can barely stand, he can only say momma and he just sits and stares at me. He doesn’t play or laugh.”
“So, it’s about getting DNA and then custody?” He asks, and he knows he is right, but I nod a yes anyway. “Good. Fucking nail her ass with abandonment too.”
“Dude she wants money, plain and simple.”
He now nods in agreement and watches me as I light another Red. “What’d Tay say about all of this?”
It isn’t a secret to the people we love that Tay and I had a pretty intense fling, but only Shamus knows it was a hell of a lot more than a fling. “I haven’t told anyone but you, and now I am about to bring Craig in hoping he
knows the biggest baddest child advocate lawyer in the nation.”
“I agree with finding the shark, but hell no on keeping this from Tayla. Fuck whatever went down between you two, she needs to know this now, so Coven can handle Jenny when she comes looking for cash. This is totally about getting rich dude and if Tay finds out the hard way you’re fucked, but it could damage the band too.”
He must have forgotten who I am. “What the hell happened to you just now? Did you have a lapse in memory and forget who the fuck I am? I am aware of every possible outcome down to being dramatic here Shame. Right now, this is personal, and I don’t want to hurt her any more than I already have.”
“Look Cal, I know you love her. She doesn’t and nobody else does either, but I know, and this secret will crush any chance dude and secrets are a bitch to the one in the dark.” I know he is speaking from personal experience. Cassa hid more skeletons from Shame it was a fucking graveyard in her closet. I know he is right, but I must do this with grace.
“I know it, but I want to have a plan of action when I do this. I want a lawyer on it, I want at the very least temporary custody and I want proof beyond any doubt that he is mine. Only then will I go and fess up to all my fucking around.”
He nods and looks to the building we are about to enter. “You gonna tell Noah and Chad?” He asks.
“Yeah as soon as we meet up for Saturday dinner.” I say, and I will ask the guys to talk in the studio where there can be no eavesdropping.
He nods again, and we stand in shocked silence. We get in the elevator and I push the twenty-two for Craig’s floor. Shame looks at me and he is still shaking his head. “Do you know his name?” He asks, and this is the uncle in him curious of the new guy in our family and I find it oddly comforting.
I smile a proud fatherly smile. “Dude yeah. His name is Axe.”
“No shit?” He says with a smile.
I nod. “No shit.”
“Dude that is bad ass!”
I laugh as the doors open. “Right!” I say, and we laugh making our way in to change little Axe’s fate.
By the time I left Craig’s office I had an appointment scheduled with Shelby Clintwood the number one custody lawyer in the nation at eight am in the morning. Axe would be going with me and that was when Shame dropped the loaded question. “Dude he is two. You got a car seat, right?”
I called my mom to see if Jenny left a car seat for Axe, not surprised at all that she hadn’t. Worked up with injustice on my son’s behalf I toss my phone on the floor of my Jeep and hit the wheel. Shame standing just at the window sighs and grabs his phone and starts typing. I assume or at the very least hope he is googling how to buy a car seat, install a car seat, and buckle a car seat...
I watch wondering what the hell he is doing and trying not to panic when he looks at me. “You need to come clean now. I just text Carrie and Chad and told them we were stopping by.” He slaps the side of my Jeep door when I go to protest. “Dude they have a kid about the same age, not me. We need facts about how to parent this kid safe Cal.”
I laugh. “We?” I say and roll my eyes.
“It takes an entire band to raise a TAT kid.”
Cal
By the time we get to Carrie and Chads I can’t help but notice Noah’s car parked there. Things have been strained between us for the last few months since he left the band, a decision I am not ever going to accept.
By the time I am out of my Jeep I see Cassa pull in behind Shame. The major grin on her face tells me Shame spilled the beans already. The fact she is skipping and squealing in glee as she charges me confirms all suspicions. “Oh my God Cal! Congratulations! What a fucking bitch but congratulations to you.”
I wish I could feel her excitement but instead all I feel is worry and a hell of a lot of anger and I am so confused. Here is this little kid who I will do anything to protect because the only good thing his mom ever did for him was bring him home to me... and name him Axe. Seriously, kid has ‘son-of-a-rock-star’ all over that name.
“I don’t know if this is a celebration yet.” I say and fist my hands in my pockets.
“No matter what hun, this little boy is a gift and you celebrate that.” I know that Cassa would give her very soul to have a child and I feel like shit.
“You’re right baby girl. Absolutely.”
Her smile has me believing those words, and I follow them into the house in hopes of leaving with a damn clue.
I look at my friends, the second family I have by any rights, as they all look at me like I have two heads. Shame and Sass on the same side of the kitchen counter as me, Chad, Noah and Carrie, sitting stunned on the bar stools across from us.
“Oh, and no Tayla doesn’t know and I want this top secret until I have answers to the questions I know she’ll ask me.” I say and watch as Noah gives me a look with a hint of anger in it. He holds against me the fact I denied my love for Tayla the very night Cans died. I don’t know if he will ever forgive me for it. “I don’t want to kill any possible chance when I am hoping for a small one with her. Until I have the facts I don’t want this in her head.”
“Cal that is a pretty bold plan.” Noah says, and I don’t know why that all I feel when I am around him anymore is that he wants to egg me on.
“Look I already have so much to make up for but bringing this kid into it after the hell I can guess he’s been in his whole life, I don’t know man, I don’t want to fuck this kid up anymore. I know Tay; she’ll want to be involved. She will research every law out there and make it her mission and there are no guarantees he is mine. I need it separate for now.”
Noah watches me intensely for what feels like forever then nods. “I get it. It makes sense to keep them separate until we know. Just don’t want this to blow up in your face man. If you really are going to fix this thing with Tay, then you need to do it honestly. When you know, she needs to be your first call.”
I nod, and sigh completely burnt out on the day’s events.
“I don’t know what to say other than congrats Cal.” Carrie says and comes to hug me tight. “One of my most favorite things about you is how you are with Noelle. Axe is a lucky boy to have you for a father.” I hug her close, grateful for what she said.
“Dude congrats on the new dude and the killer name. At least she did right by him there and didn’t name him something un-rock star like Carl or Bradly.” Noah says, and he has a soft smile as he holds his fist out and we tap knuckles.
“That is what I said earlier. That name and bringing him to me are the smartest choices she made in her life for damn sure.”
“Okay seriously you guys are acting like idiots with the name choice. Axe is a tool for chopping wood.” Carrie says, and Chad clears his throat.
“No baby that is a bad ass name.” He says, and we guys agree.
“Why is it so amazing?” She asks and as if on cue me, Shamus, Noah and Chad all answer in unison.
“Axel Rose.” And then we start laughing while Carrie groans and Cassa laughs with an ‘Oh good hell.”
We laugh and chat more on all the shit that comes with a kid. That feeling of missing out is back though as I listen to Carrie and Chad and the plethora of questions I have no answer too. Finally, it is all so much I snap.
“Look. I just met him today. I have no clue if he can crawl let alone walk but I am guessing no. I highly doubt he has seen a doctor since the day he left the hospital. I don’t know what he eats, drinks, sleeping patterns I don’t even know what a sleeping pattern is. I don’t have a single damn thing for him and so just get your shit and take me shopping because talking is making me freak out.”
Carrie is on it, grabbing her purse and my arm telling Chad over her shoulder that she will be back later. I don’t know how she knew what I needed but I was grateful for the lack of my personal peanut gallery seeing my panic attack. She links her arm through mine as we walk to my Jeep. “You are going to be fine Cal. I got your back, we all do. Now first things first we need a car seat
and then we are getting little Axe and going shopping.”
I let her lead the way and trust she knows her shit.
By the time Axe and I get home from spending more money in a single store than I ever thought imaginable, I feel like I have a head start on getting this boy in a stable situation. I bought him everything Carrie pointed at. I bought him toys that will help him learn as well as some toys that I most definitely will be able to play with him.
We got his entire bedroom set and this crib that will turn into a regular bed when he is ready, and everything is being delivered tomorrow.
“What are you thinking for a nursery theme?” Carrie asked me earlier when we walked into the furniture store in Renton. We had swapped kids for a minute and I think it was because Carrie being a female made Axe feels a little more comfortable, so I had Noelle on my shoulders and Carrie held my son in her arms with his little arms wrapped around her neck.
“Theme?” I ask and grab Noelle letting her slide off my back as we come to a Disney Princess display for a young girl’s room. “And we are losing her.” I say as Noelle runs toward the princess room.
Carrie laughs and hands me my son, my heart melting as those tiny arms wrap just as tight around my neck. Carrie rushes after Noelle and looks at me over her shoulder. “This is a theme.” She says and indicates the princess decorations for the display.
I watch Carrie chase Noelle as she begs for her own princess room and I look to my son who has no idea what a princess is. “No theme Care.” I say and make my way to the children’s bedding and find solid prints. “Axe, do you like any of these best?” I ask him, and he looks at me with that same vacant stare that breaks my heart. I want him to pick a color or get excited. He doesn’t, so I go with blue a bright blue.
