by Emjay Soren
I can feel Carrie watching me and my interaction with Axe. “See this color of blue is the same as Superman’s cape. You probably don’t know who Superman is but before the weekend is out you will.” I grab all the various sheets blankets and various items I assume his bed needs and I look to Carrie for her approval and see tears in her eyes.
“What?” I ask and look at all the shit in my basket and wonder if I went overboard.
“He is so lucky to have you Cal.” She says and comes to us and hugs me with one arm while Noelle in her arms pokes Axe in the belly making him laugh. Carrie and I both pause at the sound.
“Did she get your belly?” I ask Axe in a playful voice and he bashfully buries his head in my neck.
“You heard it right?” I ask her, and she nods and respects me enough to not make a huge scene about it.
“Why no theme?” She asks and looks at all the boy design stuff. There are little baby monkeys to The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
“He hasn’t any clue what the hell any of this is Carrie. I get him Superman and he ends up digging the Turtles. I don’t know. I just feel like he hasn’t ever had a choice and I want him to have a choice.”
Tayla
No one will call me back let alone answer their phones. I have left seven, SEVEN messages for Cal who I always do business with and he isn’t calling me back. I am now on my way to get a tattoo from Noah and I will be demanding he speak up. He quit the band and I accepted it. I didn’t like it but I have never gone through what he has and so I won’t judge him. The fact he isn’t my client will make pumping him for info a hell of a lot easier.
I walk in and am assaulted with Korn singing ‘Got the life’. I look around the studio, my eyes falling on Sam and that signature wink and sexy smile he graces me with. “Hey Pet. You ready for the piece?” He asks me and kisses me along my jaw.
We have a great dynamic Sam and me. We can kiss and talk and be less lonely and do so without hurting one another. Sam belongs to another, a woman who will never give him a second chance, but one he loves with endless sorrow. He talks to me about Daja and I can talk to him about Cal.
“I am. Is he ready?” I ask and make my way to Noah’s booth.
“Yep. I think he’s excited actually.” He says, and I feel this comforting feeling from my nose to my toes. My tattoo he is doing today is honoring Candey with a lollipop on my ankle.
“I hope so. I want him to come around again one day.” I say, and I mean it only as his friend. Unlike the rest of the band, I accept that he doesn’t wish to return to TAT but more importantly I support it. I know what this life can do to a man and that is an average man. Noah and his past, now with the death of Candey too, I understand his need to live a simpler life. That all being said, I know Noah Beckett and he will return one day.
“In time pet.” He says and kisses the top of my head as Noah turns to see me in his booth.
“Hey there sweets.” He says and shuffles some papers on the drawing table and hands me the drawing he worked up. It is simple and yet so her. “I went with the sort of sucker she’d want. I don’t know, I think she’d see this on a display in a store and buy it just for the cuteness of it.” He says it with certainty and the note of longing and sadness in his eyes doesn’t go unnoticed.
I look at the sucker and smile because he is spot on. It is a simple gum ball sucker in bright bold pink with a ribbon around the base that is covered in cherries. This has Candey all over it.
“Perfect Noah.” I say and mean it with everything in me.
“Sweet.” He says and smiles. “Let’s get started.”
An hour later I am a little more colorful and I now wear a permanent reminder of the friend I lost far too soon and who I will never forget. “So, we are heading to Cal’s to talk bassists and I figured we can all ride together?” I ask hoping I can pump Noah for info on why everyone is ignoring me.
“Sure, let me get some of my things. I need to work on Cassa tonight.” He says and within minutes we are making our way out to the car.
Noah puts his belongings at his feet and pulls out a Camel filter and lights it. “So, what’s up Tay? I can feel your anxiety from a mile away.”
Noah was always far more observant than his own damn good. “I’m scared I am going to get fired.” I say and cringe at the words.
Noah drops the smoke from between his lips and looks at me like I am crazy. “What the fuck Tay?”
I fold my arms over my chest and roll my neck letting out a frustrated moan. “I just think that everything with Cal went to hell in a hand basket and that was before you quit the band. I can’t get Carrie or Cassa to return my calls, and everything business related has been sidelined this week because Cal is ignoring me too.” I look at him with my most serious face. “No matter if we were fucking, fighting or both, Cal always called me back Noah. Anything business took precedence over whatever was going on in our lives.”
Noah steps close to me and bends to grab his smoke from the ground replacing it between his lips then grabbing me into a hug. “This all has nothing to do with fucking you or fighting you. Cal has some crazy shit going on in his family right now and I know him sweets, he will talk to you about it when the smoke clears. As for everyone else, I think that’s my doing. I am fucking certain everyone is sick and tired of my mopey drugged out ass. What I do know is not even in the same fucking universe would you be in jeopardy of losing your gig.” He pulls back slightly to look at me. “He lost you for good reason sweets, but he knows it. Keep that in mind okay?"
I feel this immense relief at his reassurance and tears fall from my eyes. I want to reassure them all. I want to tell Noah he is no one’s burden but our angel. I want to go to Cal and hold his hand through whatever nightmare he is facing. I want my girls to talk to me. But I say nothing and just hold Noah because if anything I know he may need it.
Well I just heard
The news today
Seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes
Begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face
Chapter Three
Cal
I felt my entire body go stiff in fury the minute I saw her number come on my phone. I felt like I had waited my entire life for this call and in theory it had been three days. “You have a lot of nerve Jenny.” I spat through the phone.
“Oh, get off your high horse Cal. We need to talk.” She says, and I can hear music in the background and knowing Jenny I would bet she is at the bar.
“That’s something that you should have told me the day he was born.”
“Whatever Cal. I tried to be his mom and do right by him, but honestly, I can’t. I have tried to do right by him, but I can’t, you have the money and the resources to give him what I can’t. You can think what you want from me but do not act like I am not owed. I figure we can settle this out of court and in my bank.” I was disgusted. There were no other words to describe the violent urge to puke at what she just said.
“I will never let you near him again that’s a fucking promise, but money? You think I am going to buy him? By the time I am done with you Jenny you won’t have two pennies to rub together.” I say, and my voice is level and calm, but I am anything but. I look to Axe sitting in his highchair eating cheerios and the innocence he breathes into my life and I swear to God I will kill her if she comes near him.
“Do you hear yourself Cal? You don’t even know Axe, but you act like he is yours to keep. I want the money that is owed for the two years you weren’t around. That or I come and get our son and then I will get my money.” She starts laughing and muffling the phone and I want to scream. How I ever found her attractive is beyond me. In high school we all fucked around with Jenny Pope. She was that girl. When we started building our fans in Gig and playing at the Aloha house, Jenny was always partying with us. Things didn’t change when we signed on with Coven and Heshen Aggression. Jenny was a loyal fangirl. I didn’t know what she was truly made of. The
last few years we all talked about her from time to time but assumed she straightened out and grew up. Wrong. Instead she was ignoring my boy and waiting for the opportunity to strike.
“You come near him I will have you arrested. I was awarded temporary custody by the Department of Family Services. I have done a DNA test and getting him checked out for his well-child exams. You come near him I am not responsible for what happens to you. Every guard in our crew knows you by name and they all know that you are not fucking welcome!” I roar the last part and then I hear the small bowl with Cheerios hit the floor and my little boy cowering against the back of his highchair. I go to him and squat down, so he can see my face. “You’re okay buddy.” I say and try to reassure him.
I wait for Jenny to ask me what is wrong with him, she doesn’t, and I can’t say I am shocked. “Are you threatening me Cal?” She asks in a high-pitched squeal.
“No, I am warning you that there is nothing I won’t do to keep him safe.” I end the call and toss my phone on the counter.
I lift the tray off the high chair and lift Axe into my arms taking us and the remaining Cheerios to the couch for some ESPN. “I don’t know if you understand a damn word I say, but I swear to God little dude, you are safe.”
We chill like that a little longer, me talking and explaining sports to him. He just looks at me with that fearful stare, but I can see he likes me talking to him. It makes me wonder if Jenny ever did.
“So, we are Dorians. Dorian men support our hometown, so we are Seahawks for life. We root the Mariners and the Sounders. I’ll get us tickets to the games for when we aren’t on the road....”
We continue chilling until I hear the doorbell. I covered every possible rule in Baseball and some of soccer before my mom showed up. I was kind of excited to show her everything I got for Axe and see that I had healthy food and a diaper bag all set. After covering everything with her, I close the fridge after grabbing a sippy cup of milk and see the fresh tears in her eyes, and Axe looking at her with that soft stare he always gives her.
“Hey mom, what’s the deal?” I ask and wrap my free arm around her pulling her into my side. There is nothing on this earth I won’t do to make this woman smile and seeing her with tears makes me feel like shit.
“I know you are disappointed mom, but I am trying so hard to do right by him.” I say wishing she could see all I have done.
“Baby, I know. I am just proud of you Calvin. That’s all.” She says and kisses me on the cheek. “Now we are going to the park. We don’t need an entire package of diapers, six baggies of snacks, two outfits and lord knows all these toys. It’s the park honey.” She says handing me the bag back. She takes a few diapers and the baggie of apples and the other baggie of pretzels.
“I didn’t know what he would need.” I say somewhat bashfully.
“At some point he will need it all, but not for a few hours with grandma and grandpa.” She says and kisses me again on the cheek. “Now I do need a car seat and that stroller.” She says and makes her way to my front door.
I have her follow me to the garage where I have the stroller and car seat I bought for them to keep at their place. “I got these for you and dad to keep. I figure it’s easier than swapping back and forth.”
I install the car seat in my mom’s Jeep Compass and toss the stroller in the back. I take Axe and hold him close before putting him in his seat. “I’ll see you after six little man.” I say and kiss his head.
I watch them leave and I have about twenty minutes to hide all the kid stuff before the love of my life gets here. I want to talk to her, go to her and confess everything and I was going to tonight before I got that twisted call from Jenny. Until I have solid ground and not just threats I am not rocking the boat.
Tayla
Cal stood in the doorway of his home office watching me as I shuffled papers and attached post it notes to various areas. I refused to look up and acknowledge him because I saw enough in the fast glimpse I took when he stopped at the door. His toned arms were over his head holding on to the door frame. His simple white T-shirt rose just enough that I could see the band of his BVD boxer briefs. He was dressed in his usual basketball shorts and T shirt. His Seahawks hat was turned backwards, and he was missing his shoes. There was something seriously hot about how laid-back Cal looked when he was just Cal.
"So, what? We gonna pretend we have nothing to talk about?"
The sound of his voice, regardless of what he was saying, always made my chest hurt. I look up at him, my mask of impassiveness set with perfection. "Is there something we need to discuss?"
He watches me closely, a sad smile on his lips. He taps the door frame and steps in. He takes a seat in front of me at his desk and suddenly the office feels cramped. "I can’t keep doing this Tay."
I watch him when he talks, he sounds defeated and when he cups his hands over his face I feel a thousand tiny pin pricks in my heart. "Do what? You got what you wanted. Freedom." I stand and gather the papers I printed and place them in my briefcase and stand looking at him. "You didn’t want what I wanted. My pride is injured." I put my sunglasses on top of my head and start toward the door, stopping to pat his shoulder in a gesture of friendship. "Give me time."
He grips my wrist but doesn’t move to stand. "What if I was wrong?"
Those words stung like a slap in the face. Yanking my hand back with force, I gasped at his words. "What if?"
He stood and faced me, stepping in and invading every one of my senses. I could smell his after shave, feel his heat, hear him breathing deep and saw the look of fear and passion in his eyes.
"Explain that!" I say though clenched teeth. Ugh, if my stare could kill, Cal Dorian would be ash by now.
"I’m trying to process everything Tay. I know I miss you, but I have no clue how to do this and not have it blow up in our face." His words echo in the room it is that silent. I have no idea why he panics about it or if there is more I am missing. I want to remember what Noah said and that Cal has shit going on right now, but like always where he is concerned I snap.
"Do what? Fuck every fan girl out there? Force me to see it and have no opinion because it's my job to make sure you have women lined up waiting to suck your dick?" I shake my head and look over my shoulder at the door because I need to get the hell out of here.
"That’s rich!" He says snidely and oh God how dare he go there with me.
"Excuse me?"
"Don’t pretend like I have been parading around trying to mind fuck you for the last four months. Far from it. You bring Sam every time you know you’re going to see me and then eye fuck him all night while you mind fuck me. You want to hear me say I'm sorry? I fucked up? You get both now, but don’t go getting self-righteous on me because I use fangirls to forget you!" How he can say that to me and yet have a look of disgust for his actions on his face is beyond me.
I roll my eyes and laugh bitterly at that. “Well you shoved that knife in my heart the night you made love to me, kissed me and then kicked me out like I was just another pussy you took."
“I may have put the knife there Tay, but you twist it in my back every chance you get." He folds his arms in defiance and stares me down.
"Oh my God! Do you hear yourself Cal? You strung me along for years and then dropped me like I meant nothing." I now fold mine and stare back.
"So, what? You go find the first guy you can rub it in my face with?" He snaps.
"Like you don’t rub it in with the fangirls?" I snap right back.
He shakes his head in defeat and lowers his voice. "Fangirls don’t want me Tay. They want my dick, my status and my money. I’m a conquest, a story to tell their sorority sisters. I see how he looks at you and it’s with genuine interest." Jesus, he sounds so certain like he knows what he says is true. It is, about the fangirls anyway. I know where Sam’s heart lies, and it isn’t with me.
"Are you serious?" I shriek and turn around almost growling in frustration. "I would have given you anything Cal. I supported yo
ur career; I gave you my loyalty and my friendship...my heart. You threw me away. I waited, after Candey died and things slowed down after the funeral... I waited for you Cal and you never stepped up. I deserve to be happy."
"I'll make you happy Tayla." He says and my heart stops. I don’t know why he is suddenly seeing me now, but it is long overdue and far too late. So long. I waited so long to hear this from him. even now I am elated to hear the conviction in his voice, but I'd be a fool to forgive him. I have whiplash from the back and forth with him. "You make me miserable Cal. The one time I felt true happiness with you...was minutes before you accused me of falling in love with you and that you felt nothing in return. Ten minutes of absolute happiness, before you threw me into despair."
I grabbed the briefcase and made my way towards the door. I could feel I was on the verge of tears and I refused to let him see how deep I cared.
"So much has changed and there is so much I need to tell you. I lied Tay. I lied to you that night. I was scared."
I turn and feel the tears pool, but they won’t fall. "I know you did. It's why you have lost me. We are business Cal, nothing more and nothing less."
"I'll win you back Tay. I'll fight to prove myself to you."
I see in his eyes that he means it and Cal has major issues with winning. How sad for him it's too little too late. I could never take the risk of letting him back in.
"Don’t bother Cal, you lost a long time ago."
I left without turning around. He followed. He called my name a dozen or so times, but I couldn’t...I couldn’t look back.
Cal
"God dammit buddy." I say to Axe who is sitting in the back of my Jeep and looking exhausted from the trip to the park. “I can’t handle the thought of actually losing her. I just can’t. It’s a harsh reality when you realize how wrong you’ve been all along and that everyone you love, and respect has been right.” I keep talking to my poor son like this and he will need therapy.
