by Emjay Soren
I pulled my Jeep to the gate and waited for entry. Once granted I pulled into the circular drive of Carrie and Chad’s house and grabbed Axe.
I needed the female opinion and that was it. I knew Cassa was here as well and that upped my chances. I didn’t knock on the door before I walked in. You would never guess a multimillion dollar rock star lived in this house. It had the security of a mansion but the feel of home.
I can hear hoots and hollers coming from the kitchen and make my way, stopping short when I see my little princess sitting on a Minnie mouse potty with Chad, Carrie, Noah, Cass and Shame all clapping and jumping around. When Noelle saw me, she jumped from the potty, hello kitty panties hooked around one foot as she ran to me.
"Cally!" She said in that sweet voice that melted me. I had just enough time to swoop down and grab her before her little hands were squishing my cheeks and a kiss to my nose. Within seconds she was looking at me like I grew two heads, and so was Axe.
"Well, now now Princess Noelle." I say in my serious voice and pull back to look at her. "Did you go potty on Minnie Mouse?"
"I made pee-pee." She said and squealed with laughter. "Mommy get frozen baby."
I look to Carrie for confirmation as well as an idea what the fuck a frozen baby is.
"Yes, Noelle we are going to the store right to buy a frozen baby Elsa." Carrie said before swooping a half-naked chubster Noelle from my arms. “Noelle, this is Axe. He’s Cal’s baby.” Carrie says, but Noelle is one track minded.
"Elsa, Elsa..." I say tapping my chin in faux confusion. We all know who Elsa and Anna are. "Is that the little mermaid?"
"No!" She giggles and starts singing 'Let it go' and I so love this kid and the happiness she radiates. "Frozen Cally." She says knowing damn well I know the song and the movie very well.
"Oh, silly me. Frozen. Got it." I pull out my wallet and hand her a twenty-dollar bill. "Buy an Olaf too. That’s Axe’s favorite."
Now she was really squealing, and my mood had lifted immensely. Carrie took her to lay down for a nap with promises of Frozen baby shopping when she woke up.
I stood at the counter making small talk every day BS until Carrie returned. "You spoil her." She says giving me a pointed look. I smile and scoop a handful of peanuts in my mouth and shrug my shoulders.
"Suck it up buttercup. I'll never stop." I say, and she playfully smacks my head.
"What’s up man? What brings you by?" Chad asks and hands me a beer. Cassa and Carrie are all over Axe showing him all of Noelle’s toys in the corner.
I look at them as I tip the bottle back, and chug. I need the beer to get through this. Asking for advice on women is something I have never done before. Admitting all my fuck ups and how much I love, miss and need Tay will be a first too.
"I need advice."
"On?" Carrie asks as she picks up the Minnie mouse potty and places it in the closet.
"Why was she pissing in the kitchen?" I ask, just now realizing how weird the idea is.
"I don’t care where she does it if she'd just keep doing it. Defiant little thing." Chad says, and I laugh knowing damn well that Noelle does things on Noelle’s time and nobody can change it. I also understand as a dad how hard it is to teach something so special and sweet and do it in a voice that means business.
"Don’t change the subject." Shamus says, and I roll my eyes.
"On women." I say and take a stool at the counter and play with the label on my beer.
"Women or Tayla?" Noah asks and looks me dead in the eye. Things have been strained between us since the night he told me he was leaving TAT. We are and will always be boys, but Tay has been the elephant between us.
"Tayla." I say and look around as a collective sigh and various comments come from everyone in the room.
"Fucking finally." Said Chad.
"No shit Sherlock" said Shamus.
"Obviously." Said Cassa and "Duh", was Carrie.
"Cool." I say sarcastically and clap my hands once. "Now what the fuck do I do?"
I tell them about the night of the wedding and my assholeness as well as the fight no more than an hour ago and wait for my ass to be chewed.
Instead I am met with silence...and a glare.
"Well?" I ask, and they just keep staring at me. "Fuck, c’mon I need help here."
"You need your ass beat." Chad says without any note of humor in his voice. He means it.
"I know." I say and can’t hide the defeat in my tone.
"Cal...." Carrie says and she sounds so sad. "Why?"
I scrub my face before dropping my shoulders and rolling my head back. "Because I have never felt even a mild replica of what I feel for Tay. I have been in love before, but it was never like this."
Chad, Noah and Shamus all nod in understanding and both Carrie and Cass smile. "We've all been there dude." Noah says, and I know it probably sucks to be on his end where he doesn’t get the chance that I did...and blew it. No wonder he can’t stand my ass these days.
"You guys didn’t fuck shit up like me though."
"Holy fuck! Are you delusional?" Carrie asks me and starts laughing. "Noah pulled a complete one-eighty on Candey the year you guys signed; duh you were at that party. Or how about Shamus packing up and leaving Cassa in the blink of an eye? Out of fear mind you." She looks to Shame and Cassa with a guilty look for even bringing it up...then turned that stare to her husband. "Then there’s my lovely hubby here who half fucked Trisha on a tour bus. Cal, guys fuck up a lot, it’s how you come back from it that counts."
"First off in my defense I was wasted and then completely lost my shit when you wouldn’t hear me out. Candey played games right back on Noah that night and it's why he ate a fangirls pussy, and Shame and Cass... fuck Cass married a dude before Shame could grovel. Chicks are just as bad."
"Show of brotherhood bro. Good job." Noah says and holds his fist out to bump both Shame and Chad.
Before I screaming match started in the Blake home, and one was coming if I base it off the look on Carries face right now, I changed the subject in hope of answers. "Has she ever said anything about me?"
"Really Cal?" Carrie asks and looks at me with shame.
"What?" I ask and head to the fridge for another beer.
"Just it's such a girl thing to ask." She says smirking and I kind of hate the brat right now.
"Carrie c'mon dammit!" I wine, and I want to kick my own ass.
"She was never big on telling me anything." Sass said and looked at me. "She asked once how Cans and Carrie could handle being with rock stars and she didn’t say more but I knew she was talking about something more personal. I just didn’t know it was you."
"Once the big secret was out, most of what she said was in longing Cal. She's not the sort of woman to sit back and cry. She's educated and so strong, I think it’s hard for her to not be in control and I also think it’s why she is letting you go."
"How do I fight?" I ask them, and I am desperate for any advice they can give me.
"Romance." Chad says and both Noah and Shame agree.
"Women are so easily wooed when it’s done right."
"And how do I woo?" I ask Carrie with more hope than I knew thought I had.
"Cal..." Carrie and Cassa both come to sit beside me at the counter and Carrie takes my hand before finishing her thought. "Tayla sucks at hiding her desires. It's no different from when she sets her mind to a new tattoo, or a new pair of Minollo's. She watches you and salivates, so make her want it."
Jesus these girls are lucky the guys did the chasing because so far, their plan sucks. "She knows what I look like Carrie."
Cassa groans with frustration and smacks the counter to get my attention. "Exactly Cal. Let her see your swagger and don’t let her forget how hot you are."
I think I knew what they were getting at... "Okay, I get that she thinks I'm sexy, but she thought that earlier while she was telling me I had lost her."
"Well looks aren’t all of it. Use the swag, make her want you Cal.
Get romantic with it, play dirty but do it to remind her how bad she wants you inside of her."
"Babe. No." Chad says and looks at Carrie like she has two heads.
"Inside of Tayla baby, not me."
"Christ." Noah mutters under his breath and chuckles.
"Just one problem here. I don’t even know where to start. I'm not the romantic type, more importantly Tay knows that so the minute I try she'll probably go running to Sam’s arms." I interlock my fingers behind my neck and look up to the ceiling hoping it'll suck me into oblivion until I can figure this shit out.
"Wait is this just because someone else is showing interest? Or is it real?" Cassa asks me with a pointed look. "Because if this is over some jealous bullshit where you don’t want her, but you don’t want anyone else wanting her either then you need to suck it up."
"No. The night of the wedding, I don’t know. Everything changed." I look at Noah and his words filter through my scrambled thoughts. "I caught the glimpse of how short life is and a good friend reminded me of what I fool I was."
"That'd be me." Noah says with a wink and we all laugh because even remembering that night is devastating.
"Before I had a chance to go right that wrong she had Sam all over her." I feel my heart quicken when I think of him touching that delicate skin.
"Then think Cal. Think of every time she made you sweat. Think of every panic inducing moment you spent with her and find a way to get them back." Shamus says and kisses Cassa on the neck.
"Like a redo?" I ask, and the idea starts to form in my mind and I feel relief... then I back off the thought because it's fucking lame.
"Oh my God. It's like a biology experiment." Carrie says and looks at me astonished.
"Huh?" I ask confused. They are all looking at me with shock. Fuck was the idea that bad?
"You had this glow look in your eye when you said that and within seconds we all watched you panic and block the thought. My God Cal, you may need therapy."
"Shut up Carrie." I say, and Chad looks like he wants to hit me, but he knows I don’t mean it in offense. "I don’t know how to do this shit!" I know I am whining and I should lose the man card for it.
"So, step back and think. A redo. Redo what?" Noah asks.
"I don’t know. I was thinking of recreating the way it went down ya know. On my side anyway. I remember some of my moments with her like they were yesterday. Maybe I can redo them and do it right this round? I don’t know man! It's fucking lame. Why can’t she just see I was a jack ass and let me back in?"
"Because. Like she said, you have already lost. Now it's about starting it over again and doing it right." Chad, the smart mother fucker knows his shit when it comes to being a pussy for the woman he loves. He's the biggest vagina of us all and he wears the badge proudly.
“How do I do this and parent a child at the same time. I neglected Tay and what she felt for years, since the beginning. Axe was neglected by everyone until Jenny wizened up and dropped him off. It’s just unfair. I finally was ready to put in the time and stop neglecting her and I am still not giving her all of me. I can’t live without her, but I feel like I have no right to gain her trust all while hiding the fact I have a son. That and the fact I wanted to show her she would come first, always. Now I can’t make that promise and I Tayla and it’s what she needs.”
I look up when I finished talking because the room was just too silent. I see all of them looking at me with this shocked look. “What?” I ask and stand like maybe I am on fire or a fucking monster spider is crawling on me. I have no clue why they are staring at me.
“Honey, sometimes you have the ability to get so deep and make it vulnerably personal, it’s just very shocking to see how serious you get when it is personal to you.” Cassa says and hugs me close. “I think if you make it personal the way you’re thinking about it, she won’t be able to resist what is clearly a man in love."
“I agree Cal. You can do this in your sleep if you let it be personal.” Carrie says.
“And Axe in all of this? How do I get her back with my boy there all the time?” I ask knowing that no way in hell is I getting a sitter. He is so fragile right now and confused. I am like a damn bear with that kid and anything that could remotely hurt him needs to stay far the fuck away.
“You have your parents who you know you can trust Axe with and more importantly, Axe loves them. Same with us too. He loves being here and playing with Noelle and he feels comfortable here. He lets Chad and Noah and I play with him or change him if we had to. Cass and Shame are the same with him, we have all seen it. You have a ton of support Cal and so does Axe.” Carrie is a fucking saint. End of subject.
“I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you guys right now.” I say and luckily the mood is broken when in comes my boy from playing with the toys. This is a guessing game we have going that when he does this, gets in close at my leg without touching me or uttering a word, I have to guess what his needs are. It fuels my hate for Jenny tenfold. “Hey little dude.” I say and turn on the stool and swoop him up in my arms. The only comfort is that he appreciates the attention when he hugs me back. I wish he could see me as his dad. I know he is mine. I know it when I look at him I just wish he knew too.
“You’ll be fine Cal and we got you on this.” Chad says, and I bend to lift Axe in my arms.
"All right then. Let the games begin." I say and Cassa and Carrie both are clapping in excitement and giddy and it elicits a bubbly giggle from Axe who in turn starts clapping along with them. They are with me in this, all of them.
Tayla
I get home and immediately remove my heels and head for the fridge to get my nightly glass of Moscato and head for the bath. I dock the demo for a new act I am going to see tomorrow night. His name is Guy Vincent and he has a voice like Ed Sheeran and the vibe of old Creed. The song starts playing and it’s like a blue print for this shit I’m dealing with between me and Cal.
His words replay in my mind on a loop and my heart is so broken it feels like he’s stomping it. I wanted to turn my back and hear him out when he called my name and begged me not to leave. I want him so desperately, but I cannot be in a box. He wants to place me in this little compartment, like a toy where he can play with me when he wants, when he has time to show me he cares and then lock me back up when he needs to hide the realness.
Like he always has.
I close my eyes when the tears over run my lashes and I sink into the bubbles and sip from my wine. Jesus how did everything turn out like this? How did I lose my grasp and let business mix with pleasure? Why would I break that one rule and then fall in love with him? And I am in love, so completely, devastatingly, despairingly in love with Calvin Dorian.
I, in moments of bliss and complete girly girl, would sign my name on doodle paper as Tayla Dorian. I would think of my stomach swollen with his baby, or his house or my condo becoming ours. It’s those fantasies that destroy me now.
My phone chirps like a bird letting me know I have a new text message. Without looking at the screen I dry my hand and tap the icon on my iPhone, pausing on a gasp when I see it’s from Cal.
Cal: I remember what you wore the night I met you. That long tight black skirt with the low-cut red shirt and that big black belt under your tits. You were biting your lip and strumming your fingers like you ALWAYS do when you get nervous...and your eyes baby? They watched me with fascination.
What the fuck is he getting at or trying to accomplish by reminding me what a fool I am?
I respond with blasé sarcasm.
Me: Wow! Want a medal for remembering something everyone we know probably remembers too? You signed with me that night Cal. I made you a star, of course you remember.
Thirty-eight seconds later he sends me another message.
Cal: I know you hate driving a car without a steering wheel cover. I know you love eating Orange Chicken leftovers after they cool down. Or that trident wintergreen gum is a must have, as is Burts Bee’s lip balm in pomegran
ate flavor. Or that you work out listening to hip hop...and Katy Perry when you’re mad at me?
Then another one.
Cal: I know you Tayla.
And? Seriously? He acts like that solves all my issues, when you could ask Carrie, Cassa, Noah, Chad or Shame and they’d know it all too.
Me: Good job stating the obvious.
I listen to Guy Vincent cry in the most beautiful way, through music and I half want him to text me back and the other half will chuck that fucking iPhone if he does it again.
When the alert chimes an hour later when I am in bed, eating cooled down orange chicken and making notes on Guy Vincent I stare at my phone not sure I should look.
Who am I kidding? I am looking.
Cal: Do you know why I kissed you that night?
That was not what I expected to see, and I feel like my heart has stopped when I read it. That night...that fucking night is off limits. How dare he throw that in my face? The shame I felt in the moment he denied ever caring for me has hurt me for four months and he dares confront it. Over a fucking text no less?
Another text comes through and I am angry enough to read it prepared to laugh at whatever bullshit he tries to pull... flabbergasted by his answer.
Cal: Because I couldn’t not kiss you. I regret almost everything from that night, but I don’t regret that kiss. That kiss is why I ran, and I ran because it, you...it all culminated to the blistering fucking truth.
Me: Do tell
I wait for his text holding my breath. I can feel my pulse in my eyeballs and my face is red in equal parts love and hate.
Cal: That you mean everything to me. EVERYTHING
Tears fall from my eyes and I am not happy. Not even a little touched. He says nothing more and neither do I because if I do I will call him on his bullshit. He accused me of falling for him blindly. He pretended that he was innocent and hadn’t lead me on. He was condescending and cruel and now he has the nuts to say I mean everything to him? Over a text?
