TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  I don’t bother to wait for a response even though they are calling after me as I leave the cafe. Carrie is on my ass as I get to my Rover. “Tay!” She screams, and I finally stop but I don’t turn to look at her.

  “I just want you to know that even if I have questions or concerns it is because I love you. That’s it. I support the people I love and trust Tayla, even when they are wrong. I am watching my brother disappear into the dark and I can do nothing about it, but I follow him there in case I need to pull him out. I am fucking loyal Tayla, so remember that when you get off your high horse.”

  I don’t turn or say anything as she leaves. I know she has a point and I know they are all concerned but it was how it was handled that set me off. I think of what Carrie said as I drive to Cal’s and I wonder how far Noah is falling and I feel like shit. We have been so preoccupied and in our own world we haven’t done much of anything let alone paid attention to the people we love.

  When I pull through the gate I see Noah’s car and I feel the heartache that comes from what Carrie told me. I want to help him and save him, we all do but there is no way to know what he needs saving from.

  I grab the files I grabbed from the office on my way to that fail of a lunch and head inside.

  “Hey babe.” Cal yells from the kitchen and I make my way to him and see him and Noah sitting at the table. “What ya got there?” He asks as I bend to kiss him, wishing I could vent about the lunch and just have him hold me.

  “This is the final contract for the Rock 102 festival.” I set the papers down on the counter and Cal immediately starts going through them with a fine-tooth comb. This is a piece of Cal that will forever be. His obsession with the band is as important as his obsession with Axe and I, only these days we come before TAT and that is something I never thought would happen. I see Noah looking at me with a lot of what the fuck and I ignore his stare.

  “Holy shit!” Cal exclaims and looks at Noah. He and I had been waiting to surprise the guys with this huge piece of news. After today’s events though I wasn’t in the mood to have everyone over though that is what we had planned. “You’re playing?” He asks, and he sounds like a kid who was given the coolest toy on the earth.

  Noah’s phone goes off right then and I know he is about to learn of that awful lunch. “Yep. We were planning to surprise you guys...” He looks confused and I know once he reads that message he may be pissed at me for ruining it.

  Seeing his confusion and Cal’s excitement I just lose it and start bawling and leave the room, hell I leave the house.

  Cal

  I have called Tayla’s phone six times and she keeps ignoring me and it’s got me more than pissed. I am sick of the need to run every time the going gets rough. She runs to the cabin, she runs after court, now she is running from me again and this time I have no clue why. I look at Noah who just got off the phone with Carrie.

  “Wow dude, it’s ugly.” Noah says and takes a seat at the counter. I can see his phone because he doesn’t try to hide it and he is texting Tayla.

  NOAH: I can either come find you or you tell me where you are, and we talk. You have your tat today I can come in earlier. You owe me Tayla.

  “Why does she owe you?” I ask and dial her number again when Noah snakes my phone from me and ends the call.

  “Carrie says that Cassa and Ron crossed the line at lunch. Tay was hounded on Jenny and Axe and how she can stand the sight of Jenny. I guess T let them have it and stormed out.” He looks at me as he speaks until his phone go’s off and he shows me his screen and Tay has texted him back. “She owes me because I agreed the album we just finished I will do the tour for, but I want less shows, a sober companion and I want venues not arenas. I want it old school, I need it old school, so I don’t go all the way off the deep end.”

  I feel like I have been waiting forever to hear Noah say he would play and it is tarnished by the fucking drama and I am fed the fuck up with the drama. “Well I’m glad bro and we will do whatever it takes to keep you chill and you know we are here for you.”

  He nods and reads the message then shows me.

  TAYLA: I’m just driving. I’ll meet you in the shop in an hour.

  I don’t give a fuck right now though. Now it is best if she stays gone for a minute.

  “She’s safe, that’s what matters Cal.” Noah says and types out something I didn’t see because I am fucking done with bullshit.

  “Yeah, fucking good but she still ran. Again. I am so sick of her bailing out anytime things get complicated.” I rub my hands over my face, so fucking annoyed by her when I hear the pad of teeny feet come running into the kitchen. “A milk daddy?” Axe asks me, and I swoop him up onto my shoulders.

  “A milk...a milk?” I look in the fridge where the milk is plain as day but wait for Axe to laugh before I get it out and fill he sippy cup.

  I look to Noah, who Axe climbed on the minute I set him down. “What about him? She can’t bail out every time shit gets rough because she is stressed. I am fucking stressed and I don’t bail.”

  Noah laughs out loud and rolls his eyes at me and looks at Axe. “Daddy must like the taste of bullshit in his mouth.”

  Axe starts laughing and I don’t know if he has any idea of what Noah just said but I smack Noah on the back of the head. “Dude, not in front of him. Noelle already has him calling Tay a crybaby.”

  This makes Noah laugh even harder when he hi-fives my boy. “Regardless bro don’t change the subject. You, the marathon man of running away from anything intense are gonna ride her ass for running?” He is laughing as he bounces Axe on his knee.

  I roll my eyes and grab a beer from the fridge. “But we sandblasted that shit, then again when she tried to ditch out after court. If I am here and present, then she needs to be too.” I don’t need anyone reminding me what a prick I have been in the past, but I have made my intentions clear, so this running shit is crap!

  “Dude there is nothing wrong with needing to dumb things down and clear your mind. Give her a break man. It’s not like she was bailing on a Dr. visit or some shit. It’s a Friday afternoon; she’s been at work all day dealing with other high maintenance bands because her world doesn’t revolve around TAT as much as we wished it did. She fought with her girls. When we dumb it down we play music, when Tay needs a breather she bails for alone time. Don’t ride her ass about it man.”

  I shake my head no and finish the bottle of Miller and grab another, twisting the top and chucking it to the trash. “It’s not that. I don’t give a fuck if she needs time bro, I get that. It’s that she runs from me, she doesn’t run to me. For fuck sakes I am finding out why she’s pissed from you. I have called her what? Ten times? And nothing. One text from you and she is fast as shit to respond. Tay runs from me and I am fucking tired of it.”

  “Dude, she only text me back because the whole you owe me thing she knows I mean business. She has been on my ass at every turn with playing out this album, so she wore me down, but I warned there would be a price. I was just hoping for something like a new guitar or something fun, but I make any deal I can to be there if I am needed.” Noah shrugs his shoulders and looks to Axe who stands on his barstool and climbs on to Noah’s back.

  I smile as I watch them and sigh. “Dude get a guitar, don’t chase after her. If she wants to talk I want her to talk to me.”

  He looks at me then and the look is intense. I can’t tell if he is gonna slit my throat or start crying. “You really love her.” He doesn’t ask me because it wasn’t a question.

  “Yep.” I say and swig the last of my second beer but refuse the urge for a third.

  Did I say that I need you?

  Did I say that I want you?

  Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see

  No one knows this more than me

  Chapter Seventeen

  Tayla

  I walk into the Pit and see Sam and I smile instantly. “Hey Pet.” He says and winks, kissing me on the cheek. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”


  “I am actually here for Noah.” I say with a guilty smile. He makes a joke of gripping his chest in mock heartache.

  “Stop breaking my heart Pet.”

  I smack his arm and let out a frustrated sigh. “It’s been a long day Hun.”

  “Wanna talk?” He asks me, all joking gone he looks at me with his intense green eyes and I know he will listen and help me if he could.

  “Just life. I feel like everyone is on me over this Jenny BS. I just want what is best for Cal and Axe and right now, having Jenny fill some of the void she left in Axe is what matters. I know he isn’t my son, I know that. I know that by rights I have none, but my heart is his and his dads, there is no changing that. If I need to sit back and bite my tongue to see them content I will.”

  “That’s why you are his mom Tay.” Noah says from behind me and I turn to see him lift his sunglasses from his head and walk to the counter where Sam and I are.

  “That’s the truth.” Sam says, and I see a sad smile cross his face. “When I lost my daughter, I didn’t think there would be anything on this earth to fill the void. I think of the mistakes I made and that I wasn’t there for her the day she died. Looking back on every second I had with her, I understand why you do things that suck for you but are right for the child.”

  I am frozen in place my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach. I knew Sam had a past that he suffered immensely with but no, nothing on this earth would have prepared me for what he just told me. I look to Noah, who obviously, duh, knew about this and probably knew his daughter. He pats his back in a brotherly way but doesn’t fuss, so I don’t fuss.

  “I had no idea Sam. I am so sorry.” I try to level my voice as I look him in the eye fully understanding the sadness that is ever present there.

  “I don’t like to talk about it too much, but if it helps you see that right or wrong you are there for him in the trenches then I can share my knowledge and maybe help.” He is so nonchalant in his tone that I know he is done talking and I will never push him on it.

  Noah breaks the moment by handing me his phone and I can see on the screen he is calling Cal. “You need to talk to your man T.”

  He walks away toward his booth and leaves me standing there. I look at the phone when I hear Cal answer. “Hey baby.” I say and the silence I am greeted with confuses me. “Cal.”

  “I’m here. I’m guessing Noah forced this call so do your thing, I am done chasing you.” He hangs up and I look at the phone in shock before going to Noah.

  “How bad is this on a scale from one to ten?” I ask and take a seat in the chair by his drawing desk.

  “Scale of one to ten, oh I’d say about an eight.” Noah says and starts freehand drawing a hard candy on my foot.

  “Why?” I ask exhausted by this entire day and it’s only five PM.

  “You need to talk to him, but my suggestion is tread really fucking carefully on this one.” Noah says and leans back to look between my fingers at the lettering he just drew. “What do you think?” He asks me.

  I look at the script as it reads from left to right, “The gaps between my fingers are meant for your fingers my love.” Tears come to my eyes as I see this beautiful promise that I am giving Cal, feeling awful for my behavior today. “I love it Noah, its perfect.”

  He nods and starts setting up. I move to the tattoo chair and watch his methodical movements as he sets up. “How are you doing?” I ask, and I am so careful with him because I don’t want to hurt him.

  “Same as I am every day. Mad as hell, sad as hell, and horny.” He winks but I know he doesn’t feel as light as he sounds.

  “You know I spoke with the label and they have services available that can help with the depression and anger.” In a career as publically recognized like Noah’s, it’s hard to find help that is truly confidential.

  “You think I am gonna let a shrink anywhere near my mind?” He asks with sarcastic laughter. “These trap doors are sealed fucking tight T. They won’t ever be opened.” The trap doors he is referring too are the memories in his mind of the father who beat him to a bloody pulp and the reminders of a sister he was forced to see raped. As if those weren’t enough to make him a little insane, now he has the memories of the one woman he loved and trusted and the reminder she is gone forever.

  Cal

  It was after nine by the time Tayla walked in the door. I had put Axe to bed after his dinner and bath and so I went to my studio to play some tunes and clear my mind. I might not have the ability to be a lyricist, but I can write music.

  “Hey babe.” Tayla says from the door. I have paused my strumming to write the notes down on the sheet music on the table beside me.

  “Hey beautiful.” I look up and see her in her business woman get up. I love every side to this woman; even the stubborn brat that wants to run away from me, but to see her in her element it has always done something to me. Most of her tats are covered and she is so muted from the relaxed girlfriend of a rock star. Knowing what a little sprite was underneath all the business made me hard. Every. Fucking. Time. “Let’s see the tat.” I ask knowing she was getting something special for me this round.

  She watches me with a little confusion but slips her tattooed hand into mine. It takes me a minute but then I see it. In black ink along the inside of her fingers is the very fucking definition of our love. I smile seeing it, smile seeing all Tays beautiful ink. “Come here babe.”

  She comes to me softly without any pause. She knows I am disappointed in how she ran again but I can’t let her think for one minute she isn’t wanted. “I am so sorry for running out. Lunch was awful and then to see the excitement on your face knowing Noah was back for the time being...” She doesn’t finish, she shakes her head and nuzzles into my neck.

  “I am never going to hurt you again Tay, not intentionally.” I say the words I have been stressing for months now. I say them because that is why she is running. She loves me I know she does, but she doesn’t believe in me and that sucks.

  “I know Cal.” She sounds so small and I hold her closer.

  “Then stop running away baby, I am not ever gonna let you go Tayla. You know that right?” I hang on the precipice waiting for her to tell me she knows, and she will stop running.

  “I hate letting you see me when I am stressed Cal. I am so scared that my weakness in some things will make you second guess me or the value I hold in your eyes.”

  Jesus, I wanted to throw up. I have never been disgusted by myself in the sense I was this instant. I cup her face in my hands and force her to look at me. "You need to have faith in me baby. If you think for one minute that I could stand back and let you leave, whether I have the ability to change your mind I would still not let you leave without begging you to stay. I need to be your best friend Tayla. I need to know all the little things that aggravate you or be the shoulder you lean on. I don’t expect you to bag out on the girls or the guys for that matter.” I pause and kiss her lips soft, slow... I want no question or fear in her eyes. “Run whenever you feel like you need to run babe but run to me not from me. I am here, unwavering and on your side no matter what Tayla. I will follow you to the ends of this earth if you ask it of me, just run to me baby.”

  I watch as I speak, her violet eyes fill with tears and when she blinks, and they fall just so I could catch them with my thumbs. “I will Cal.” She cries and holds me as I kiss along her neck, my arms an unbreakable force that will tether her to me. “I love you.” She says against my chest and I am overwhelmed with love, though I don’t think that it could define what she means to me.

  Tayla

  We are lying in bed, tangled in the sheets and naked. After all the things we have done to one another, I don’t think I have ever felt the freedom, the joy, which I feel now that I have agreed to trust him and let the fear go.

  I am rubbing along his happy trail in hopes to get him going for a round two when my phone rings. “Oh no way baby. Ignore it.” Cal says right as his fingers slip inside of me.
I look at my phone, my back arching as he curls his fingers inside of me at just the right angle.

  I look at the screen because in my line of business I have no choice but to be connected to my job at any minute of any day. That doesn’t mean I answer every time it rings, but it will tell me if I need to stop to call back or let it go until we are done. When I see that it was Jenny I grab Cal’s arm and stop his amazing fingers to stop him.

  “Babe it was Jenny.” I say but he makes no move to stop as he shakes my arm free and bends to lick me.

  “So?” He says while lazily lapping at my clit making it extremely hard for me to remember why I care exactly.

  “Oh, God...” I groan and bite my lip. “Mmmm, babe she never calls my phone.” I yelp as I say phone when he slaps the side of my ass with the palm of his hand.

  “So?” He says again and slips his fingers back inside of me. Just as I am about to forget about the call, she calls again.