TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  I just shake my head and make my way to the baggage pick up. "I'm good Jen, I just wanna let it all go now. I'm done with trying to prove who I am when everyone knows and refuses to see."

  I had spent the night in the airport waiting on my flight in the VIP lounge and my hood of my jacket hiding me away. I wanted to be lost in the world right now. I let Jen know before I landed that I would need a ride from her or Sul.

  I couldn’t talk about what it felt like knowing that you were in love with someone who didn't believe or trust in you. That everyone I love, feels the same fear Bright does.

  I thought about how I shattered it all.

  I also thought of all the shit I ate to prove I was never going there again.

  Didn't matter and I was fueled with anger for it. Right now I had to suck up dinner with the fam and being thankful. Hard to do right now, but I will because I refuse, refuse to hurt them anymore.

  My blessing are easy to count, they are all people. My misfit family. My fans. The inmate and his woman aren't far from my blessing either. Dude looked offended for me and I hoped Cody was feeling that wrath right now.

  Harsh?

  Eat my ass if you think so. You go right on ahead and live my life and tell me you can't hate. Hate is hate, pure, true and festering for fucking close to thirty years. I am justified and piss and moan about it to someone who will listen if you don't agree.

  "Well, I am proud of you Noah. You faced him. Sober. You left Carrie and stayed sober. You fought Bright and stayed sober. I knew you would, but you had to know you would."

  I nod and laugh when she hops on the cart I am pushing at baggage claim. "I missed you Jen."

  A guy looks to her as I say it and rolls his eyes, offended by her production. "Asshole, look all you want I need to make a boy smile."

  I laugh again and look to the suit she offended with the same who gives a fuck stare, probably scared him though. Hard to take my stare when you know me, different when you see my darkness and mix it with tats and piercings.

  We load the cart, not saying much. Jen is one that lets me think and not talk it through, knows I will when I'm ready. It's what pisses me off the most I think. Jen treats me how everyone used to. She wasn't hurt by my addiction though, and it's what reminds me to suck it up.

  We load my gear into the car, my guitars loaded last and in the backseat. I don't travel any flight with my gear not with me and though the bus will be in Chicago after the break, my shit will be tight and with me.

  "Take me to Carries." I say and she nods making sure to head to Gig. She looks a little confused, but doesn’t ask me why. There's obvious reasons, and one that isn't. One that tells me I need to be there, in my sisters presence to get through this. To do what I should have done when Candey died.

  "I have my GTO there and want to see Noelle and give her my loot I've stock piled for her. I got for Axe too, but know he's with Cal and T."

  She laughs. "You spoil them."

  "I have too, it's the mark of uncledom."

  "Uncledom? Really?"

  I stick my tongue out and laugh. "Well yeah, see I am not about to have kids. Like ever. I gotta spoil and give only good to the ones I love."

  "You really don't think you'll ever?" She asks me a question I pondered only once in my life.

  "I did, when Noelle was born. Candey and me chatted it up one night. She had said she was cool either way and I said no." I look at her, kind of shocked it doesn’t hurt to tell the story like it would have a few short months ago. "I figured, I did my parenting with Carrie and got her hitched and happy and all that. I won't risk that sort of good luck again. I don't mind life on the road and I love the studio tatting. I can give that time up without a concern."

  "Does Bright want kids?"

  That thought hurts though.

  I look at her with an obvious duh, "We never got past trust Jen. The kids talk wasn't in the cards jackass."

  She doesn’t say anything to that but I can feel her tension and she wants so bad to talk about it. "Just ask me whatever the hell you're twisted up with." I roll the window down and light a camel. "Driving me damn insane wanting to poke at the wound."

  She looks at me and rolls her eyes. "Well, you come home after an obviously wicked day and act like you didn't bare your soul, banish a demon and save yourself all in a day."

  I look at her with a smile. "That was deep Jen, how long you been sitting on that thought?"

  "Stop teasing me and answer me!" She laughs and pulls into Gig Harbor.

  "It sucks, obviously." I shrug and take a drag of my smoke, willing the true pain I feel to just stay at bay a little longer. "I'm sure I'll see her after the break, she won't quit, God knows I've pushed her harder and she stood standing." I see her face as I shut my eyes and can't deny that pain that comes from losing. It was the risk I took though, and I guess I survived it. "I'll figure it out then." I say and hide the pain that grows with every second.

  She looks like she wants to tell me something, but I am too lost to push it out of her tonight and we are pulling in to Carries. I flick my smoke out the window and dial Chad to let them know I'm home, but Carrie came running out before I could hit call.

  I feel it well inside of me the minute I see her and slide from the passenger seat. "Hey sissy." I say and take her into my arms and hold her. Knowing she's about to bring more love into our lives warms me in a way I can't explain. I keep holding her close and feel tears burn behind my lashes, and the damn I have been holding is starting to fall apart. She senses my pain though, and I see her look to the open door where Jen is sitting, not Bright.

  "Hey Carrie…" Jen says leaving the greeting open and I need my sister to not be a shit right now, because I need her, I need them both. So much. I didn't know until the minute I saw her that this was where I needed to be.

  "Hey Jen…" She replied and pulled back enough to see my face and the wetness under my lashes, to know that right now, this instant, I am breaking.

  She buries her face against my chest and turns me, hiding me, knowing I need her to hide me. This is raw and private and she knows me. She whispers something I can't hear to Jen, and I hear the engine cut and Jen walks to where Chad is standing at the front door. He hugs Jen and takes her inside, leaving me to crumble with the only one who can hold me up right now.

  "I have you Noah. I won't let go I promise." She says in a fierce and unwavering tone that brings me peace, but to pieces.

  "She didn't trust me…" I choke on the words that are the truth.

  "Shh, now." She says and rubs my back. "What happened?"

  "I asked her to trust me, and she wouldn’t." I say and pull back, letting her see me at my worst for the first time in our lives. I have hidden so much of my pain and sorrow and hate from her, but here and now I let her see me, all of me.

  Her hands go to her mouth when she sees the real me, my soul and all its scars. Like a fucking suit of regret, one I hide from everyone, but Shamus. She cries as she takes in my slumped shoulders, dark rings under my eyes, tears on my cheeks and red rimmed eyes. I am still under the hood, still protected in the only cover I can give myself. I am almost twenty-eight and she sees me for the first time.

  I don't hide my tears, or the fact I am coming undone, stitch and seam, by stitch and seam. "Do you see now, why I hide pain from you? From everyone? I am not strong sissy. I am not a special kind of amazing. I am ruined."

  She shakes her head no, holds her own tears at bay, and it is remarkable how our roles have reversed. She steps close to me, hands so slowly pulling the hood of my jacket back, so she can see my whole face.

  Her thumbs swipe the tears from my cheeks, one hand rubs my shoulder in comfort. "I see you bubba. I always see you, even in hiding. I have watched you in restless sleep after Candey died. I have watched you stumble from one bar to the next and puking along the way. I saw you cry and rage, time and time again. I have watched you think, in some of your darkest times when you thought I wasn't looking. Sitting on the bay, by the b
oathouse looking out to nothing hoping for something. I will always see you."

  I shut my eyes and go to my knees, gripping her waist and holding on to her. "I have been on your side since I took my first breath Noah. I sure as fuck was going to be there if you took your last, and even then I was willing to barter the devil to get you back."

  "I bartered the devil our whole life to try and save you, all while you were trying to save me." I say, and look to her as I sit weak and… fuck sad. I am fucking sad and it sucks.

  "You and I both won." She says. "We will always win. In the dark, in death, in blood and bone. You taught me that. You taught me to trust and to believe in the good." She falls to her knees now, before me and cups my chin so I see her. "When I saw you fall in the worst ways, Noah I always saw you get back up. Every time. Dad, Candey, drugs and just the darkness we both carry, you fight it back and beat it every day."

  I shut my eyes and cry, feeling like a helpless fool. "Look at me bubba."

  I do and she smiles, so sweet my little Carrie. "So I will carry you today. I will hold you up because I am as strong as you. When I was too weak to take anymore you held me up until I was back."

  She pulls her phone out and texts Chad and I snort, stuck in that part of desperation where you know you'll get through but it fucking hurts too much to accept just yet? That was where I snort in laughter through tears.

  "Well," She laughs and stands up, brushing her knees off. "I am too little and knocked up so technically Chad needs to do the heavy lifting."

  "I can walk…" I say and stand when she grabs my hand in hers.

  "I know, but let us walk with you bubba."

  I nod as Chad and Jenny both come to where we are standing, the door to the Escalade still open, the light enough to let me see her face. "I love you." I tell her and ruffle her hair because she hates it.

  "Let's get inside before it starts raining." Chad says and clasps my arm, lifting it over his shoulder. Carrie is still stuck to me on my other side, my only free hand I hold out to Jen, who looks at it and holds it tight as we walk into the house.

  Right from the start

  You were a thief, you stole my heart

  And I your willing victim

  I let you see the parts of me, that weren't all that pretty

  And with every touch you fixed them

  Pink and Nate Ruess~Just give me a reason

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Bright

  "I'm not so sure about this." I say and look to Jenny, who is driving us to Carrie and Chad's house for Thanksgiving.

  "Well, as Jerry said. 'If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen'." Raleigh says quoting Jerry McGuire from the backseat, enjoying every minute of my anxiety.

  Jenny laughs and looks at me. "Ohmygod can we keep him?"

  I look at Raleigh. "You can have him, he's been relentless since I woke him up last night."

  "You are such a baby Bright!" Raleigh yells and both Jenny and I jump. "When I came in for the day of shopping with you and Cassa, you were in the right then so I let you feel sad and be mad. Hell he deserved it, but that night the change came and sorry brat face, you shit on him in that car so you will deal with my enjoying this!"

  I turn back around and flip the visor down to apply my makeup since I didn't before we left I thought we would have time at our hotel unaware that Jenny had a change of plans in mind. Before I can apply my foundation Ral steals my make-up bag.

  Understand that is the equivalent to taking pickles from a pregnant woman. I flipped out and tried to get it, unable to courtesy of the seatbelt. Frustrated, I couldn’t get it undone to kill Raleigh so I resorted to begging.

  "Raleigh, stop being rude! I get it, I was in the wrong but I need to get ready." I pout and hope he will cave.

  "Not happening sister, so suck it up."

  "Raleigh!" I yell and Jen pats my hand.

  "Kids, stop fighting or I turn around!" She yells making Raleigh laugh.

  "I need to look less dead Jenny." I tried to plead my case, but Raleigh wouldn’t shut up.

  "You hide behind it Bright. You know you are gorgeous and get whatever you want when you bat those lashes. You need to go in as you, broken hearted and sorry. Trust me, looking like shit will benefit you."

  Jenny shook her head laughing when I turned my death glare on her. "This isn't fair. I need to be on my game or I'll get all blubbery and fumble my words."

  "Sweetie, we haven't really met, but we have spoken in length so I feel like I can shoot straight with you. Can I?" Jen asks and Ral piped in to answer for me.

  "Oh please do, she needs a dose of reality." He says and gives me the stink eye when I flipped him off.

  "Look, Noah is my best friend." She says and changes lanes before going on. "I saw him last night looking like death warmed over and that tells me whatever he is feeling is bad news. Noah never looks less than perfect. He looked lost last night, so you going in looking just as bad I think is fair."

  I tried to ponder her words, my heart hurting thinking he was upset last night. Raleigh ruined it though by being Raleigh. "Jenny, would you say that he is your best good friend?"

  Jenny laughs which only fuels his behavior. "Noah tells me that all the time." She and Raleigh both imitate Forest Gump and I sit and stew in my own bad mood.

  By the time we get to the house, I can't breathe. Finally after three hours with Raleigh since leaving California, he was finally my best friend again.

  He opened my door and grasped my shoulders. "All you need to do is tell him you love him, you are sorry and that yes, you trust him and that scares the piss out of you."

  I smile and hug him, seeing Jenny waiting patiently at the front of the Escalade. "Can I leave my bags in here in case he tells me to go to hell?" I ask her and Raleigh rubs my back.

  "Of course, I won't be staying inside hun. I'm not welcome here so just let me know when you are ok or if I need to take you somewhere."

  She said it so matter of fact, but it made me sad. I walked up to her and hugged her. "I want you to know that I don't judge you and the past is a pointless tool people use to direct hate. You have been so good to him and unyielding." I pull back and look at her, eyes wet with tears. "I wish I could help them to see that."

  Jenny nods. "Me to, but hey, I see my little boy, Cal and T are great with me and I have Noah. That's enough."

  I look back at Ral. "Come with me?"

  He shakes his head yes, but walks to Jen. "I need you with me hot stuff. I am not big on crowds of big scary men that might not like my favor." He winks and talks out the side of his mouth next. "Not so sure how they'll take the fact I like boys." He gasps and covers his mouth and makes her laugh.

  "You realize you're asking me to walk into the lions den right? Cassa has a disdain for me that is like the plague."

  "Oh shit honey. Cassa is my girl. We got this. Let's go." He smacks Jens ass and I roll my eyes.

  "You know, he has met them all and they love him. He is manipulating you." I say and Jen laughs.

  "Still love him?" I ask and swoop my arm through hers.

  "Yeah, I'm prettier than you." Raleigh says and I seriously might hate him.

  Walking the green mile to the front door, Jen and Ral linked together and me suffering behind them. Stopping short when my heart stepped out the front door.

  Jen pulled back from my arm and nudged me forward as Ral danced past me dragging Jen with him, but he saw Jen not me. They stopped before Noah so Ral could kiss his cheek in greeting.

  Then, Noah reminded me why I was so in love with him. One of the many reasons. I watch as he grabs Ral and plants a fast kiss on his lips then smacks his ass.

  Ral looked like he may pass out in delight and Jenny laughed. "Oh God, he will die a happy man now Noah."

  Noah points at Raleigh. "Sorry Ral, but it's still pussy for me."

  Raleigh gives an exaggerated pout, but accepts the letdown. "Fine, but I'm not giving up. We need more famous rockers on our
team."

  Noah laughs and looks to Jen and smiles before hugging her. "Where did you find this lunatic? Hiding in my bushes with binoculars I assume." He said referring to Raleigh openly stalking Noah.

  "The jig is up." Ral laughs and looks to me, which had them all looking to me.

  In Capri leggins and a hoodie with flip flops. My hair in a messy bun and no makeup.

  I couldn’t be any more bare.

  I watched, in painful horror as he turned, without a word and walked in the house.

  "Oh hell no he didn't. I am not leaving yet!" Raleigh says and storms the house on his own. It took only a few seconds to see Cal and Tayla come out and little Axe run to Jen. Then I saw Carrie and feared the worst for Jen.

  "Hey guys, mind going inside and giving me a minute with Bright?" She says and Jen turned to leave. "Jenny you too. Please stay."

  When Jen looked at her like she was crazy Carrie nodded and pushed. "It'll be okay I promise." She said and made her way to me.

  "Look, I can leave. I had hoped…" My words trail off and I feel so alone without Raleigh here. This was my worst fear, that Carrie would be brought between this.

  She hugged me.

  "Don't leave please. Just talk to me Bright." She says and we sit together on the porch steps.

  "I wanted to see him and tell him how sorry I am." I look at her as my tears fall.

  "Can I ask you something?" She says and I nod, wiping my tears on my hoodie sleeve.

  "Do you love Noah, Bright?"

  I don't hesitate. "Yes. That's why I came here."

  "Can you trust Noah? Not like, 'oh I told him my secret'. I mean trust him? Thick and thin. Agree or not. Can you trust him?"

  "Yes. I trusted him then, I just didn't know where he was going and he was defensive and then I said no, that his track record wasn't that great." I had replayed that car ride so many times since yesterday that I just wanted to rewind and redo.

  "Do you know why trust is so big to Noah?" She asks and pulls me to her side for a hug.

  "I understand the game he used to help you guys as kids."