TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  I enjoyed the fuck out of it, because it was real, and it was something I understood. I had been here, in this same pain before when Candey had left me. Hell, I would have been right here with him again if Bright hadn't showed up. I knew damn well how ugly it would get the minute he ran out of rage.

  It didn't take long for him to look into nothing and finally fall apart.

  Shame

  I walk into the edit room and wait, knowing she is developing pictures right now and I don't want to destroy what she works so hard to make beautiful.

  But I am jumping in my skin right now. "Hey babe?" I yell through the door, huge smile plastered on my face. I had never in a million years thought I could pull this off, but somehow by the grace of God I did.

  It cost far more than I should have negotiated, and was off the books, but her face was going to be the most priceless thing in my life.

  "Baby, two minutes and I'll be out." Cass yells and I grit my teeth realizing that two minutes is more than I can stand.

  "Like a real two minutes? Or really you mean twenty and think I'll be less pissed if you say two?" I smile as I say it, knowing I am annoying her. It's my point.

  Christmas was less than a week away and I was giving her the gift that really did keep on giving. I had no idea until I woke up this morning, jet lagged after flying back to Gig yesterday. The tour was done in six weeks and I couldn’t wait to be home for a year.

  "How about now?" She asks and comes from the dark room in big black gloves and a black apron. My heart stop seeing her. It does every time. Her hair is pulled up in a mess under her Boston Red Sox cap. No makeup, no shoes and she is breathtaking.

  "I love you Sassy." I say and pull her into me, kissing her jaw.

  "I love you too." She says, pulling me down so she could kiss my jaw.

  "Come with me baby." I pull her, gloved arm and all when she stops me.

  "Can I take the gloves and apron off before you attack me?" She is laughing and thinks I am pulling her to bed, not a bad idea but it interferes with my plan this second. The one waiting in our kitchen.

  "Baby, I wish I could lay you out for me right now, but I have a surprise that can't wait."

  She gets a huge smile and my heart rate picks up, the excitement almost too much. "Christmas is on Sunday Shame." She doesn’t give a flying fuck when it is, she's trying to be gracious.

  "Like you care." I roll my eyes and she laughs. "Come with me."

  She looks at me confused once we come to the kitchen, and Glen our attorney is sitting at the counter. "Glen…" She says and pops a hip on the counter and I sit on the opposite him. Glen is the attorney we used for the adoption process, so I know her wheels are turning. "What's going on?"

  She doesn’t look scared, she is too smart for that. She just can't fathom it yet, and that's my cue. I take the folder from him and look at my Sassy. "There are things that I can never give you in a traditional sense babe. You will always have to take a guard to the mall when you need to shop because your past and our future means you can't go anywhere alone. I didn't give you a traditional wedding and I sadly can't watch your belly grow." My eyes are wet with tears and she is full on crying.

  "We make our own magic Shame. You know that." She says and holds my face in her hands.

  "That we do baby, and I have woven some epic magic." I pull her in, so we are face to face and kiss her on the nose. "What do you want for Christmas Sassy?"

  It couldn’t have been any better had I planned it, but just then the soft cry of our daughter filled the kitchen, my beautiful wife fell into my arms. She was sobbing as Glen brought the small carrier up from his feet and placed Esparella on the counter between us. "She turned five months last Monday." I say and lift her, a bundle of pink... pink… pink and deep brown hair, a ton of it like her mommy. "I am about to hand you our daughter baby, just like I would if we had done this traditionally."

  She is sobbing, the happiest I have ever seen her, and so beautiful. Love is not a strong enough word to describe this moment. So precious and divine. She nods, unable to talk and takes Esparella from me and the moment is forever etched into my heart and now tears stream down my face. I am overwhelmed with love for my girls and the life God gave us.

  "I am leaving you to enjoy." Glen says, his eyes wet with tears having witnessed a woman who once thought never was her very definition hold her daughter.

  I nod and pull him in for a hug because he made this happen.

  "Oh, God baby… I'm your mommy Ella." My wife says and kisses her on the top of her head. Ella looks at her like she knows and smiles before eating her fist. "I need my camera." Cassa says and I laugh, handing her my phone so she can use it.

  She flips the camera to selfie mode and we all, Ella included look and smile for the first ever James Family photo. We spent an hour just holding her and playing with her until she inevitable was either one of three things. She was hungry and that made her poop and that made her tired.

  We lay together in our bed, Ella between us and slept.

  "So, there is another part to this surprise." I say as I play with Ella on my lap and tickle her belly. She is the right kind of chubby and slobbery. She loves to spit in her own fist and then laugh, but hey whatever works to keep her smiling. Cass is getting ready in the bathroom adjacent to our room and I was all for the play time with my number one girl.

  "Shame, babe one child at a time." I know she is joking, but hell no I want a whole team of these sweethearts. All girls, all perfect and sweet and pretty.

  "Funny." I say and look to my daughter… fuck … my daughter. "Should we surprise mommy sugar?" I ask and realize I just nicknamed my daughter for the first time. My cup runneth over.

  I look at my phone as it buzz's, knowing damn well not one of these guys will be late and it is six o'clock on the dot. I had convinced Cass we were going to McDonalds play-land for dinner.

  "Babe, you're perfect, beyond perfect and the glow on your face is all I see. Come with me for one more surprise." I hold my hand out to her and she takes it, then takes my daughter from me.

  "Don't give me that look, she is so damn cute Shame I just need to hold her for like… ever. Then I can share."

  I laugh and honestly can't wait to watch our house fill with children, then grand children and to know we did it all with love.

  "Go sit by the Christmas tree baby." I say and kiss Ella and then her, the kiss lasting longer, meaning more somehow.

  She knows I am up to something, so she lets me run out the door in a rush to gather the people I need.

  Standing over by Chad and Carrie's Escalade is everyone Ella needs to meet, well all but one and that we will cover later. "Okay, she knows I planned something, but I figure you'd all be bouncing off the walls if she had given birth, so I figured I would let you bounce off the walls here."

  Chad and Cal both laugh as Cal hugs me.

  "Fuckin so happy for you brother." He says it and I know he is, but he is still so messed up from Tay leaving him for Black that the dark rings under his eyes aren't unnoticed.

  "I know it man." I say and look to everyone else. "Okay so, try to be quiet and obviously it's rockers and their kids so I ain't asking for perfection."

  We all laugh as they usher in from the cold. Cassa knew though and came around the corner with Ella in her arms.

  "It's a girl!" She says and all the hoots and hollers scared Ella and she started to cry, which pissed me off.

  Overprotected father? You bet your ass!

  "Calm down babe." Cassa says, and I watch her like a natural.

  I watched over her like a helicopter dad on crack. Mike was the first to hold our girl, tears in his eyes as he hugged her close and welcomed her. "Welcome to the mix little one. I am your uncle Mike."

  Cassa cried with Roni and the girls, Carrie already emotional, had tears streaming down her face as she held her. Cal only held her a moment, the obvious strain of feeling anything but bitter evident though he was trying. I didn't judge him for it. I kn
ow Cal and he is beyond elated for us, he just can't see past his pain right now. He is giving everything he can to Axe and the other kids, it’s the adults that see it.

  Noah has been with me as we sit for hours and try to help him through.

  He is lost and Noah gets it. He keeps telling us all he will find his way.

  Noah holds her last, taking her from Bright. "Hey kiddo, I'm uncle Noah. You will learn, as everyone does, I am the man and the coolest. I am the one you'll call when your drunk at fifteen and scared of your dad. I am also the one you'll run from if I find out you're dating before eighteen. I will be the one buying you a bass guitar and telling you all the things about your dad that he never wants you to know."

  I roll my eyes and kinda want to smack him. "Fuck off." I laugh and sit down across from him. Everyone is doing their own thing and it's just he, I, Cal and my daughter. "Listen, I don't want to make a big deal about this. I told Cass I wanted to talk to you about it first."

  Noah looks at me and nods still more preoccupied by my daughter giggling as he pokes her belly. "We want to legally name her Esparella Caramelo James."

  He looks at me like I am kinda nuts. To him it would be, because he has no clue the importance of that name. "Caramelo is Spanish translated to candy." I see him close his eyes, but it isn't in sadness like it would have been a year ago. "Cass wants so bad to name her after Cans. After everything she had done for her after Cory, the time she gave up with you so that you could be there for Cass. She thinks Cans was always meant to be our guardian angel through you…" I know I sound fuckin nuts and I should really let Cass explain, she makes it seem normal.

  "I think it's perfect bro." Cal says, and Noah finally looks at me with a smile and I know he is honored and understands what I tried to explain.

  "Me too my man." He says and hands me my daughter and stands to go out and smoke or something, because that's just how Noah deals.

  Cal

  I want drums dad. Axe tells me, and I want so bad to fight him on it. I know he's right though. He is fascinated by Shame and the drums, he copies him, though he doesn’t quite understand that he needs to loosen his arms. He plays like he has a low-tom and high-tom and that's it.

  I am trying to get him ready for the Christmas Eve dinner at Noah and Brights, but he was just a questioner of all things tonight.

  "Guitar is so much cooler dude." I use ASL and speak because he can hear some, but also seeing lips helps him.

  He shakes his head no at me and laughs when I poke his side. The last year and a half have been huge for his development. He goes with me on tour most of the time and I bring his development coach as well as the classes and therapuetic needs met here. Jen has been a huge help to us… well now I guess to me and Axe because Tay hasn’t been around.

  Will momma be there? He signs and it's like he knows when I think of her even though I mask my emotions big time.

  "Momma J will, but Tayla won't be here until tomorrow. Remember, she called on facetime to tell you so." We started to refer to them as Momma T and Momma J, so he could learn he essentially had two. I question it now though, because she calls him once a week and hasn’t seen him since Thanksgiving. Part of me wants him to forget her, the other says to do as therapists tell me and let him come to terms on his own. I have stopped referring to Tay as Momma T so that he can understand that, sadly she seems to not want to be his mother. How do you tell your kid the mom they know and love, doesn’t want to commit to it?

  Answer me that and I will give you a million dollars if it works.

  Tayla isn't my mom huh dad?

  His face breaks me every time I see that sadness again. I swore the sadness was done for this kid if I could avoid it. Instead I started a family overnight with the woman I thought was my forever. "Momma J is son. Jenny gave me you. You came from her tummy. Tayla is just someone who loves you a lot baby."

  If Tay didn't love Axe, then she would be the one to prove it. I wasn't going to tell him who he loved didn't love him back.

  "Does… momma T love…you daddy?" He spoke slow and signed me his words, but they killed me the same.

  "She might… Daddy doesn’t know that." I gave him a half truth, but I knew T and I were done. So very done and love didn't matter a fuck all in the end.

  I love you dad. He says with his hands and it still speaks louder to me than anything else he could say with his voice.

  I love you. I sign back and hug him. I lace his Chuck Taylors and grab his coat. "Let's go get you good and spoiled boy."

  We get to Bright and Noah's and per usual his place is packed. All of us plus Mike and Ron and Seth and Lilly. I am sure we will even have a bunch of the PIT crew here. Noah has the same house he has had for the last ten years. No security, nothing fancy. Noah is too simple to give a shit about being rich as fuck. Raleigh is moving to Gig with Bright though and so I am pretty sure he will have to move to accommodate Bright and Ral's clothes and shoes.

  I carry Axe in on my shoulders and stop short when I hear Axe speak in excitement loud and clear. "Momma T!"

  I look up and come face to face with Tayla…and fuckin Black as they leave Noah's.

  I set Axe down and shoulder past T and Black and head right for a beer, shooting daggers at Noah for not warning me they were gonna be here. "What the actual fuck?" I ask, my voice rising even though I am trying to chill the fuck out.

  "She stopped by to bring Ella her Christmas gift because Shame and Cass are heading to the cabin in the Blues tonight. I had no idea until Raleigh came to get me. By the time I got out here she was holding Ella and hugging Cass and Shame." He shakes his head and pours us both a shot of vodka. I hate vodka, but I need something right now. "I couldn’t be a dick once I saw it all. I pulled her aside though and explained you were on your way and it was best for her and Black to get the fuck out."

  "You didn't say that?" I ask laughing and his face tells me he certainly did. "Yeah, you did." I say and laugh harder. At least I have his loyalty.

  "How you and the boy take it?" He asks, and I look over to Axe playing with Noelle and don't see Tay anywhere.

  "He was excited… I want to knock Black’s fuckin teeth out and explode his nut sack, so he doesn’t have the balls to show up again."

  "Graphic." Raleigh says from behind me and I turn smiling at him and give him a handshake. "I like it Hot Stuff."

  I laugh, and I have learned that Raleigh says some seriously inappropriate shit, but most of it isn't intended. Yeah, he thinks we are all eye candy, but he respects our… orientation.

  "Yeah, I didn't mind her being here for a few, but once I saw him I figured she wanted to pour salt in the wound I would make her as uncomfortable and unwelcome as possible."

  "She hasn’t seen Axe since Thanksgiving. I was all prepared to see her tomorrow as we planned, but I just got through telling him she wasn't gonna be here." I go to take my second shot when I hear Jenny screaming from the living room and everyone went silent.

  "I am many, many things Tayla, but I have never been one for eating up bullshit, and this is some fuckin bullshit." She indicates Black in his three-piece suit and I try to not laugh.

  "Want me to stop her?" Noah asks, and I am looking for Axe who is obviously beating the hell out of Shames drums down stairs based by the sound.

  Hell no, let her have at it." I say and sip from my beer. Everyone else makes their way into the room to see what's going on, alarming to watch as nobody jumps in to defend Tay. I stay here though, I can see enough and if I need to stop it I can from here. I won't though, unless Axe and Shame come back up. He doesn’t hear well on his best day, but he is smart, and he will know damn well something is going on.

  "Jenny I am not looking to fight. I wanted to stop and congratulate my friends and give a gift." This is Tay and she is using that snobby snooty voice she uses at work. Shit must turn Black on, I sure as fuck couldn’t stand this side of her.

  The fact she wasn't getting how fucked up her inviting him was, assaults my pride in ways
I can't explain.

  "You brought him, into this house with no care or concern to Axe or Cal and expect it to be okay? You are seriously the coldest person I have ever met. It makes me violent." I try to not laugh as Jen rolls the sleeves of her red and black flannel shirt up, like she would do some damage. We all know she won't. Jen's come a long way and she won't risk anything where Axe is concerned. Hurting momma T would hurt Axe, Jen wont stoop to Tay's level. Axe isn't disposable to her. "Did you even think of what this looks like to Axe?"

  I wonder the same thing.

  "I didn't know Axe would be here."

  Jen slapped her across the face. I didn't think she would really do it. I honestly thought shit was funny.

  But Jen slapped her.

  "I hope that when karma fucks you Tay, it is with a cactus and I am there to see it." Jen was ready to hit again I could see it once she started to say mean shit like that. Shit I will laugh at in time. But once insults are hurled women get mean as shit.

  With that I intervene because that is worse and far more damaging to Axe should he see it. "Stop it!" I yell and now everyone is looking at me.

  "That slap is for your idiotic response. Ask yourself why the fuck Axe and Cal wouldn’t be here? This is their family, not yours."

  "Tayla, get the fuck out of here. Take your boyfriend with you. Don't come back." Noah said and a small part of me felt bad for her at his cold demand.

  "This is Axes family. Some are hurt, some are mad, but we have never picked sides, so I don't expect it." I look at Tay and shake my head. "This wasn't the time or place to show up unannounced with Black. The shock has worn off me, but not them."

  "Cal- "

  I cut her off. "No, Tay just go we can talk tomorrow." With that I turned and grabbed my beer and headed to watch my son kill it on the drums.