by Emjay Soren
"Oh my God, you didn't?" I ask Shame, too worked up to sign, but Axe wasn't paying attention. He was too busy playing on a set of his own, courtesy of Uncle Shamus.
"Dude… I did." Shame says and laughs as Axe uses the peddle or the kick drum of his tiny little set.
"Why?" I ask, knowing damn well how huge a gift this is to my son.
"My mom got me these when I was eight. I played on em', learned on em' and then bought my own bad ass set after working a whole summer. I figured by the time we need to teach Ella or maybe her brother if we are so lucky, he'll either want a bigger set or not care anymore. Either way, Axe needs these drums to decide if he wants to play."
I am all emotional and shit, so I say nothing and walk over to watch Axe. He is smiling from ear to ear, still hitting the hi and low only, but having a blast with the kick drum.
"Happy?" I ask in both ASL and by speaking.
"Yes!" He yells and laughs as he tries to spin the drum stick and sends it flying behind him.
"I wanna teach him." Shame says, and I nod because he is the fucking most bad ass drummer and it would only be fitting.
"You do know, that any other four-year-old getting drums for Christmas would piss most parents off?"
"Most four-year old children don't have a sound proof room in their house."
I just laugh and watch as Shame tries teaching him to do raindrops on the symbols. I turn when I see Jen and Noah walk in. I nod my head at Jen and smile, then watch as she looks to Axe with amused annoyance. "Drums? They stay at your place."
I laugh and Noah groans. "Fuck, why didn't I think of that?"
"You would have bought him drums?" I ask and drink from my beer.
"Hell no, but a guitar yes I would."
"I bought him a guitar." I say and shrug. "I don't think he cares though. He loves to drum, loves watching Shame on videos and stuff. He digs Peart of course."
"As he fuckin should." Noah says, and we are referring to Neil Peart of Rush. The absolute God of drums.
"He loves some Tommy Lee, seriously loves Jeremy Spencer though so I gotta go get him a demon mask."
"I got him dump trucks and Spiderman jammies." Jen says, and blows Axe a kiss when he see's she is standing there.
"Jen, those things are bad ass." I say not wanting her to feel like her contribution was pointless. "I bet he cares more about those things than the guitar I got him. You'll see, he will wake up and flip when he sees the little bike you got him too."
"He going to your place Jen?" Noah asks and Jen first at him with a scowl, then looks at me to answer him.
"She's actually been staying with us. I was a little fucked up at first and Jen was carrying the weight." I look at Jen and she shrugs. She never lets me compliment her on how great a mom she is, or how much I appreciate her. After all my fuck ups… I really wanted to change and be a better man. I told Tay every time I could how much I loved her. I tell Axe how proud I am and how much I love him. I try to tell Jen what a big deal she is and how far she's come and that I trust and believe in her. I don't know if I just treated her like shit too long or what, but either way she just shrugs her shoulders and keeps fighting to be a killer mom. I don't know if we are friends, or just mom and dad in an unconventional way, but she has been a force in this shit storm. I would have fallen apart without her.
"Momma." Axe says, and she makes her way to him to watch his epic skills.
"Why? Why act like you don't know she is practically living with me?" I ask once Jen is out of ear shot. "She fuckin tells you everything."
Noah just laughs and drinks from his cocktail. "Where's the fun in that?"
I laugh. "You're a dick."
"I wear the badge proudly."
"I'll tell ya, I wouldn’t have got through that first week without her there."
He nods and lets me ramble, like I tend to when shit gets hard. The three weeks we were on the road after, she had him at every therapy session, she helped his coaches… did it all so I could cry and piss and moan, then leave for three weeks. Now, I don't know I want to tell her to move in, even if in the guest house because her shitty little apartment… I hate that place."
I don't know what is going on with me. I just see her different. I want her around. Half the time it's me being a dirty bastard though, then feeling like an even dirtier bastard.
"Me too." He says and shakes his head. "I have told her a million times to move."
"She won't, says its hers even if it's ugly. She has way more pride and gumption than I ever thought she would." Sober, knock out Jenny is one hell of a triple threat. Smart, sexy and steady on her feet. I can't help but wonder if I missed it or if I am just a lonely fucking asshole. Either way, there is a trust there between us, even if it isn't labeled.
"Cal we all judged her, all us guys used her, but like me, she needs everyone to just have a little faith in her. She'll move mountains with that."
We both look over at her with Axe as Shame tries showing him to loosen his arms. "You wanna fuck her." He isn't asking me, just reading me. No judgment, no accusation, just letting me know he gets it.
"I wouldn’t."
He nods.
"She's hot, fuck she is so fuckin hot, but…" I can't explain the slew of shit my mind turns over daily. I ain't in love with her, I wouldn’t ever take advantage of her… but I need her and don't know how its fair.
"I get it. It takes time to get back out there." He says and that makes me laugh.
"Dude, my dick would work just fine. I can fuck the fangirls… it's just… she's Axes mom and might be the lone one. I don't wanna jeopardize shit." I look at Jen, bent over and yep, I see that cleavage with the light freckles… "I would fuck her dude if we had a different circumstance."
He laughs. "Dude I ain't saying get married, but stranger shit has happened than a mom and dad ending up together."
I can't process this, its freaking me out and pissing me off. "And what, reminisce about the time you and I tag teamed her together? Or how about the various times in a five year span she fucked all my boys, from TAT and other bands?"
He just laughs harder. "Dude I reminisce about those times all the time, mostly in the shower. I am a guy with a fabulous fuckin memory."
"Noah…" I say and scrub my face with my hands. I had shaved the beard for Tay, but it was back now that I was again single. I felt more in my skin with it. "Dude, you have Bright."
"I do. I love her. I go home to her. I will never stray or hurt her. I will however, fuck anyone I want in my fantasies." He laughs and smacks the back of my head. "You are full of shit if you think I would ever believe you don't fantasize about Jen. I know and see how you look at her. You always had a thing for her. You probably thought of it when you were with Tay. We are men, we are dirty, it's our calling card dipshit."
"Well yeah, it doesn’t matter. I see her, and I see you all with her."
"Well you have seen it, but it's different now because the Jen we knew back in the day ain't that Jen. That Jen," He says and points to her, and she sees it, so she knows we are talking about her. "That Jen is who you want if you can get over trivial shit."
He walks off, like what the fuck? Lays some in your face shit down and then bails. I hate his ass sometimes. I do.
Jen comes up tugging on my arm. "What was that?" She asks me, and fuck him but yeah… This Jen is fine and sexy and smells good. Too bad I am in love with a ruthless bitch. Too bad I can't think selfish these days. Too bad she's fucked all my friends.
Too bad I give myself lame ass reasons that, though true wouldn’t truly stop me.
"Noah was looking at your tits." I say and we both laugh.
"They're worth every penny." She says and take my beer for a swig.
"They're great tits." I say and take the beer back. "You are driving home momma."
She nods and looks over her shoulder at Axe. "Sorry for hitting Tay."
Now I laugh. "She deserved it. I was kind of warmed by you squaring up on her for Axe."
&
nbsp; "It was for you too Cal." She looks at me and rubs my bicep. She wasn't being flirtatious, she was being my friend. This… this is what I could do with Jen. "I hate that she got you and threw you away."
Okay… maybe she was a little flirty. "What?" I ask, completely rocked by that statement.
"Honey, if you don't know already I sure as fuck can't explain it."
She walked away and took little man with her to get food, leaving me to process that shit.
A few hours later and a few more beers, I was on the couch listening to Raleigh tell me how my beard is Old School TAT and needed a comeback. "I am just saying, that men, that like men, want to see that gruff. I mean there are the guys who like a more feminine approach, but I like the manly men."
"We know Ral." Noah says and we all laugh.
"Don't get offended sugar." He says to Noah. "I still find you perfect, just I find them perfect too."
I laugh. "Thanks, Ral. I always preferred facial hair, just Tay didn't. Said it always scratched her. After a while, I was more concerned with making her happy than keeping my beard."
"I love facial hair." Cassa says and Shame groans making us all laugh.
"Yeah, she loved that 1970's porn stash you wore for about a week." I say and we all laugh harder. It was just us that were there. All the kids were eating cookies in the kitchen and I knew we had to leave soon.
"I always loved the beard." Jen says, and everyone hollers like a bunch of sixteen-year olds.
"We had a kid together. I think the fact she liked my beard goes unsaid fuckers." I say and Jen laughs.
"Remember when it was just us back in the day? Chillin' here watching Carrie try to figure out what Noah bought her?" I say it, but we all look to the tree as if remembering.
"I was too busy trying to keep Chad from hitting on her." Noah said, as Carrie smacked his arm.
"Dude I wasn't a perve for fucks sake." Chad tried defending himself, but it was a useless attempt.
"Yes, you were." We all said at once and he threw his empty beer at Noah.
"Shit has changed. We have kids, you two married your long time loves. Cans… The glorious meeting of Bright and Ral, who essentially is the long-lost troubled teenager replacement Noah will never have." Ral claps and Noah laughs, but it's true. Noah has no desire to have kids and I am pretty sure Bright has her hands full with Ral anyway.
"Fuck I even tried to go the whole nine yards. I got the success and the awesome kid, but I failed somewhere."
"You didn't fail Cal, she did." Carrie said, as I looked at her nodding. I want so bad to believe that.
"Promise me that this won't ever change?" Cassa asks, a sleeping Ella behind her in a play pen. "That no matter what, we stay us."
We all lean in with our drinks, a mix of whiskey and wine water and juice. "Fuck yeah I promise." I say, and various promises follow from us all.
"Where's Sul?" I ask, feeling like shit for just noticing him missing. It seems like he is rarely present over the last year.
"He hates Christmas. He's at the shop drawing. Jen took him some food and cookies earlier." Noah and Carrie… Jen I suspect as well, know what's going on with him and so I give the guys the respect not to ask and look at Jen.
"You ready to bounce?"
Every single one of these nosy fuckers look at her as she nods and stands. "What?" She asks as all eyes are on her. Then all eyes slowly drift to me.
"Holy fuck don't be such twats! It's Christmas eve idiots. She's staying over for it."
I walk away, grabbing Axe who looks exhausted and get his coat. I kiss my girl Noelle and head in to kiss a sleeping Ella, they are looking to Jen and I missed something. "What?"
"Nothing." Jen says and smiles before taking Axe from me. "Can you say goodbye everyone?" She used ASL but he heard her with as close as he was.
He nods and signs, Merry Christmas. I love you.
I watch as every single one of them sign it right back to him and I know without a doubt, that promise of staying us will always stick.
Epilogue
Cal
It was after two in the morning and after all the gifts were wrapped and under the tree, I went to my bar, grabbed a bottle of Jameson and my guitar and went to play. I didn't feel the rain as I sat on my porch strumming. It was covered and though it still got wet inside, the spray from the rain was like a mist.
I was feeling a good buzz, but even at my worst I could play and bring the true sadness to the surface. I could play music, hear a song in my head, but couldn’t write it. I used to record myself playing because so much would take place in the playing that I would tune out and just attack.
Maybe I should now, this emotion was a bitter one that's for damn sure. I wanted to hate her, to hurt her as bad as she hurt me. The shit would be easy, women at my disposal is about as easy as a hot knife in butter. It isn't hard.
Hard is knowing that I can't stomach that life anymore. Yeah, I have fucked since she left. I haven't been shitty though. Most the chicks pity me because I boob about her like a fucking teenage girl. I can count on one hand all the fucks I give. It's one and it starts and ends with my son, who seems lost without her. I'm grateful for Jen, and sometimes I feel like shit wanting Tay to remember her promise to Axe. Jen is his mom, by blood and bone and love. Her fuck ups made it easy for Tay to step in, but would I care if Jen was just a one night that resulted in Axe? That's why I give a fuck. I let him believe she was his mom, that he was so special he had two of them. I believed it too. But she hasn’t shown me she wants him so time will dictate how deep I let it fester until I sever the tie.
It is my job to sever it, and if she doesn’t want to be involved, then he is damn lucky and just as special to have one mom and one dad that love him to the moon and back.
How I got here is beyond me, but I play through it and sing along if I play a song that moves me.
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,
That don't bother me.
I can take a few tears now and then and just let em out.
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once and a while
Even though, goin on, with you gone
Still upsets me.-
I see Jen step out from the door to the covered porch. She has a pair of knee highs on and some short sleep shorts with a tank top and I find her sexy naturally, but like this… fuck my life it is hard to be a gentleman.
"Hey." She says and wraps a blanket around her. Thank God she did too, because I am drunk enough to not care. "What you are doing out here Cal?"
"Playing…" I say and start strumming Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I love nostalgic rock and this song… fuck if it was only that easy.
"I know tonight was hard… the holidays are probably brutal right now Cal." She takes the bottle of Jameson and swigs from it.
"Should you drink?" I ask, laughing arrogantly when she rolls her eyes.
"I don't drink… I sip and taste." I know I offend her by asking it, knowing damn well Jen isn't much for liquor.
"Addictive behaviors…" I know I am being a dick and it isn't fair.
"Well." She says. "I wanted to see if you were okay, not get reminded of what a shitty bitch I am." She stands to leave, and I stop playing both guitar and the truth. I grab her hand and admit I don't want her to leave.
"Stop… I didn't mean it Jen" I look up at her and know I look like a joke to her, I just want her to see me.
"What can I do Caly?"
Caly… she would call me that anytime she wanted to fuck me. She places her hand over her mouth and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I called you that."
I don't care.
"I don't care." I say and pull her to me, so she falls to my lap and kiss her.
I kiss her for the pain in my chest. I kiss her for being here. I kiss her for loving Axe and helping me. I kiss her because she tempts the fuck out of me.
It was her kissing me back; just as fierce and hard, that I wasn't prepared for. I expected
her to tell me to fuck off and sober up.
She fuckin kissed me back.
"Tell me what to do here Cal?"
"Fix me…" I say and drop my guitar to really get my hands on her.
She lifts her shirt, no bra and those beautiful perfect tits with the dust of freckles are aligned with my face. "Tell me how." She says and arches as I kiss her nipples and begin sucking her skin.
"Tell me you want me." I say and slip my hands over her hips and pull her shorts down, so I am cupping her exposed ass in my hands. I grind against her and need to shift her so her legs are spread over me.
She adjusts herself, so she can ride me, if I am that fuckin lucky tonight. "I want you Caly." She says, and that sweet voice of hers calling me such a lame fuckin name gets me hard like it always did.
I slip my hand down the back of her shorts and cup her pussy in my palm, slipping my finger in her as she grinds against me.
Half my head is asking what the fuck I am doing, the other half is begging that side of my brain to shut the fuck up. "Touch my clit… yes!" She cries out as I do what she asks, and I stay there because she is soaking my hand and I fucking want it. She slips her hand down my shorts and adjusts my hard dick, so it is right where she needs it. Where I need it, minus the fuckin shorts.
She is riding my fingers stroking her pussy on my dick and I want skin. I pull back from her shorts and stand turning and dropping her onto the chair I was in. I kiss her, deep tongue and teeth gnashing as I strip her shorts and panties, so I can eat her pussy.
Now, I have had this woman in bed so many times, I probably fucked her forgetful and blind and still knew what she needed. What I do remember, is eating her pussy all night, every time because she tasted so fuckin good. I waste no time tonguing her clit and fitting three fingers in her deep, letting my pinky prick into her ass, just the tip but enough to get her primed.
I am blasted in the eyes with thoughts of Tay and that she would never let me get this raw and crazy. Jenny takes my thoughts though when she grinds against my mouth, fucking me just as hard as my mouth is her. "I love the fucking beard!" She says and comes right there on my face.
