by Emjay Soren
"Do you have a little crush on Lex?" Shame asks and they laugh.
"Come on!" I say and stand. "I am not into her no, but if you heard her you would get it. It's like electronic, symphonic Rhythm and Blues. My guitar adds that reckless fire that makes number ones happen."
"Did you bring a demo or anything?" Chad asks and now Noah and Shame are taking notes and I have effectively put my boys in work mode.
Finally.
"No, I asked her to come here to play it so you could see. I have chemistry with her like I do you guys. She didn’t know what she was doing at first, mixing the beats but I showed her a thing or two and, hand to God... it will blow your mind."
"I will be the voice of reason here." Chad says and looks me dead in the eye. "It isn’t that I don’t trust your ability because you are the best at composing and how you hear it, how it inspires. I am concerned you getting involved with something so left field and being a laughing stock. I need to see it live to know if I can give you all my support."
"That's fair. Anyone else want to add to the table before I annihilate all caution from your minds?" I ask, slightly annoyed by Chads, full support speech.
"Look, you are like he said, the best at composition. But this could affect your brand." Shame says and shrugs and I get it they are scared and I can respect that.
"I'll break it down." Noah says and strums on his bass as he tightens his strings. "With the list comes a ton of controversy as well. You do this after being in the top fifty in the 21st? Then fail... you will be called arrogant and cocky for all the wrong reasons. You need to protect yourself in this until some industry sound minds agree with us."
"You guys won’t agree though until we both dance for you, right?"
I don’t hide my irritation from them.
Noah stands and sets his guitar aside and cups his hands between his legs. "I am with you one hundred even if it sounds like shit, but I am not the know all be all of labels and production. I am saying be sure you trust it implicitly so the chance is worth it tenfold."
I nod and chew at my thumb. Insecurities are a mother fucker. I usually reserve that shit for my parenting and shit with Jen. I have not felt an ounce of insecurity since joining TAT and it’s because I knew, like I know now, that where we were going would take the world by storm.
"Can you guys give me the benefit of the doubt and let me bring to life what I am trying to inspire right now? I have never steered us wrong in this industry and I have worked longer, harder and damn near sacrificed everything for us. So, a little credit would be justified." I look at them, my disappointment like a heartbeat in the room. "Trust me to show you even if you can’t understand it."
I shake my head and grab my jacket. "Your studio isn’t set up so I am headed to my place to meet her. Come if you can have a little faith because once I hone this shit it will blow everything like it to pieces."
Bright and the girls agreed to keep Axe until Jen was off at nine, but right as Lex showed up the entire crew did too. Wives, Fiancés and kids in tow.
Including Jen.
"What's up?" I ask and laugh as my kitchen filled with my people.
"We heard you needed a little audience for a new project." Raleigh says and pops a hip on my counter trying his damndest to look serious. "I love projects, so I am 100 baby."
He looks at Lex and winks and she smiles, but seems extremely confused.
"Everyone this is Lexington Cherry." I spread my arm out in grand style as I show off the misfits that helped make me who I am, then to her. "Lex meet everyone."
They all introduce and chit chat, welcoming her and I look to my boys, all three sitting together with a beer in hand looking like the three stooges.
"Thanks for coming... just let me show you without the bullshit pre-game yeah?"
They nod and each go kiss and man handle their females while I take Lex's gear in my hands...and look to Jen who I just saw walk in the door. I set Lex's stuff down, except her guitar which was still missing a case.
Something I was rectifying immediately.
"Hey..." I say and let it hang there not really sure if we could see eye to eye anymore.
"Hey. I got off early after the blow out earlier so when Bright text me and told me to meet here..." Her words trail off and I hate the Grand Canyon size of drama and tension between us. I just want her and don’t know why that isn’t enough.
Want is the hand holder of true love. They are only perfect when together, just like Red and I.
"Regardless of everything going on and the tension between us..." I look at her hoping she will know I am sincere. "Jen, you never need a reason to be here. You have a room and when it is your time with Axe or not. This is your home too."
She nods and I see the faint blush on her cheeks.
"Do you want to come and see what the fuss is about? I guarantee it will be East of awesome." I try to show my excitement and my desire for her approval.
"East of awesome?" She asks and I can hear the amusement in her tone and it gives me relief. For now, we are at peace and that is a start.
"Yeah East." I motion to the ceiling. "The sky is the limit when I put my mind on something."
"Well I guess we go see what East of awesome is all about." She says, but she is looking at the peanut gallery watching us interact.
"Let’s do this Lex." I look at everyone with a greedy smile. "Time to show the haters what genius looks like."
"I don’t think Hurricane will show the truth to what we want to show off. Can we please do RITUAL Better by Now?" She asks as we set up in the booth. No mics are on so I feel comfortable talking openly with her.
"Look, pull no punches, right?" I ask and she nods in agreement, chewing her bottom lip.
"The reason I am not available is the red head on the production side holding the boy speaking in ASL. That is my son Axe as you know, but the redhead is his mom Jenny and the one woman who killed me for any other woman. If I play better by now, I have to sing parts in it and it's too real with her here feel me?"
"No." She says and folds her arms, ready to argue with me in an instant. "That is why you play it. That emotion you play is heard well in the lyrics too and it is why it's our best cover so far. Once shit gets personal the music makes it real."
I see the green light flick on knowing everyone can hear us now, so I keep it on the subject at hand. I look at her stunned and feel pride in the fight for the right song, but shock at the point she made and nod because I need her to shut the fuck up before everyone knows how fucked up I am over Jen.
"It needs to be half of both of us and that is the best song to show our direction. If we pull no punches then shut the fuck up and play your emotion and express your broken heart Calvin."
The minute she says Calvin everyone, every single person on the other side of the glass is in stitches of laughter. I cringe knowing damn well while they are laughing.
"Green light is on jackass." Shamus says and is still laughing. "I mean Calvin." They all start rolling again but my only concern is on Jen.
There is no flattery in her eyes from what she heard. My people know how deep she is inside of me, inadvertently or not, she will see this as something for Tay or some other fail of mine on her behalf. I know it the minute I see her eyes.
More games
More denial
More bullshit.
So over it.
So, fuck her, I can fight back and dig deeper with the truth than react to these games anymore.
Knowing I need to keep check on my crazy, I mentally scream fuck fifty times in my head as I set up to play Better by Now first and shove it down her throat.
I will however remain insane though.
Awesome.
"She called me CD to give me anonymity, but that name... reminds me of blue smurf’s with English accents and it turns my stomach. She chose Calvin over Cal. Calvin will always be better than CD." I look to Jen, knowing all my friends are looking at me with pure shock. They know CD. Very well. Bu
t Jen knows why I disdain the mother fucker. "Mark my words on that."
Being the dick, I am these days I flip the mic off and wait for the red light to look at Lex. "Oh, fuckin A yes, let’s play this shit."
I flip the mic on and address my small audience.
"This song is called Better by Now by RITUAL. Covers aren’t my thing and that will be clear in the rendition of this with the guitar I bring in. I just want your opinion on what we do here. Hear it, tell us how both styles blend."
I count in and wait for the audio she set starts in, minus the bass, which I will account for as I play. Usually the male is the lead in this song, but no I am better as backup. This show is for them to hear the vibe and the vibe is her voice. It also takes away from the original in the best way possible.
That had been the win on her end for this choice. Until me there was no male vocal.
I watch the impressed faces of my friends as we take the chorus together and know in that minute that we had back up in this project.
Fucking told them so.
Jen
I watch as Cal finishes this song by doing his thing, his voice becoming the dominant lead as Lexington falls back as they go in and out. His guitar, haunting as he sings how he misses her, misses himself.
The end of the song comes as Cal and Lexington both sing it to an end and we all stand up and clap.
"Holy fucking shit is that the Cal Dorian of the brush it off way of life?" Chad says turning the mic from red to green.
Cal laughs and makes his way with Lex to the studio and out of the sound booth. I hate that she has red hair. I replay his threat to make it hurt a million times a day and it hurts. Seeing it is a whole new level of torture. He takes her hand in his as the come's in the room, then moves his hand to her back in that comforting and protective way as he holds the door for her.
"Holy shit! That was unreal Cal." Shame says and gives him the one arm man hug before kissing Lexington sweetly on the cheek. "You too, your voice is platinum for sure."
"I didn’t know you could sing like that." Noah says, still seated between Bright, Axe and myself. A look of awe and wonder on his face. I agree I didn’t know either, but I don’t have the knowledge like these guys do. I simply could tell he had a voice.
"That’s because when I do back up my tone only makes Chads even stronger. Alone I am more Zayne than Benjamin Burnley."
"Awe, thanks man. That’s a hell of a compliment." Chad says and Cal rolls his eyes.
"How humble of you to pretend you don’t know your voice is similar to his." Cal says and laughs before they exchange knuckles. "So, we are going to play that Fleurie one now and show you the orchestral side I told you about earlier."
Everyone agrees and wishes them good luck, but I am watching his every move and hear her laugh as the light goes red signaling that the outer sound, i.e. us in the production room, is cancelled out and then he hits record just as he does last time.
She is still laughing and flinging her bright ass red hair over her shoulder. Chick thinks she's the fucking little mermaid or something. I shake my head warding off my own demons when Noah interrupts my toxic thoughts.
"Hey!" He whispers yells and snaps his fingers in front of my face. "You told him no remember? If you can’t be supportive because you’re jealous then go smoke or some shit, but stop glaring at Lex. She is sweet, wet behind the ears and very fuckin young. Calm down baby psycho."
I lean back and look at him when he called me baby psycho. "Baby psycho?" I ask, the fact I am obviously offended kept me from screeching it out loud for everyone.
"Yes. You. He is the main psycho here, courtesy of your defiance, now you act as bad as him. Knock it the fuck off Jen. If you aren’t going to be his, then stop interfering for anyone else to be in his life by choice. You have no right to keep denying you want him then act offended or jealous when he spends time with any woman."
Noah-" I stopped talking though the minute I heard Hurricane start. It was captivating and still hip hopped out like the first one, but this had an undertone too it that made it far more poignant that the first. This one felt hollow or lost... it left an ache in the first verse.
There is denying the talent between them or the fact her voice was remarkable and unique.
Cal sat silent playing the piano as she sang and captivated us all. I watched him though. His emotions were all over his face no matter how hard he masked them and watching him was magnificent. I never knew he had so many layers or that his talent was so vast.
The song is titled 'Hurricane' and I remember calling Tay a hurricane he kept walking into. The lyrics tell me this song reminds him of that moment, but it could be wishful thinking.
It is the first time I question if I could tell him my secrets and trust he would forgive me and perhaps help to heal me. I question it because I have never watched him shed the mask he wears and welcome the realness of his emotions.
Exactly what Lexington told him would happen.
Oh my god, he is so beautiful.
Tears prick my eyes as I try to hide how much I love him... but I don’t know in this particular moment why I would ever deny him? I feel so foolish.
The beats she created get louder and his face becomes more intense the louder and harder it hits.
As if he knows I am paying attention to his every move he stands as Lexington sits to replace him as he reaches for his guitar... and blows me completely away.
His guitar is a loud presence in the room when the beat she produces plays loud, but doesn’t burry his sound. There’s these crazy sounding drums and a mixture of his guitar and the piano, it is so intense.
Right when I think it is over though, Cal plays a light cord as she plays just as slow on the piano. Then, in sync they both stop to only come in harder than the song could have predicted and now we are all screaming and cheering.
Axe flies from my lap and goes to the window and beats on the glass to the tune of what percussion he hears and I know it is why he changes the beats of this song, to hit hard and play it so Axe can feel it. Every song is created for Axe since the day his hearing went to shit.
This is no different. He needs Axe to hear it.
So, we can feel it.
He is, truly a God damned Rockstar.
Cal
I saw my boy when I brought in those percussion drums and knew he would love it, feel it. By the look on the faces of our intimate audience told me I knew damn well I was on to something.
"We rocked it." I say to Lex and she smiles from ear to ear.
"I have never felt that Calvin." The excitement in her voice had its own tone in the room and if I was honest with myself then I would admit that rocking the idea in my head had me damn excited too.
I knew music, it guided me in any stage of my life, and now I brought it out in such a unique and tasteful way... knowing the approval waiting outside the doors would tell me I made the right choice.
"Holy shit Cal..." Chad says with awe and hugs me. "I had no idea how East of awesome you really are." He shakes his head in astonishment and I laugh.
"East of Awesome is catching on... I like it."
I look to Shame for his opinion on the orchestral drums instead of techno drums. "How did the drums work?"
"Bad ass. Makes me want to add some to our slower shit. How'd you get the beat to know how to chase a computer set up?"
"Just how I hear it I guess. That's all I could think to avoid that bass beat and use the guitar, drums and piano to replace it."
"Fucking genius." Noah says and Axe starts jumping in front of me.
“Like that Axe?” I sign and speak knowing Lexington doesn’t speak ASL.
'It was loud and made my feet tickle. Shame was playing air drums to it.' He signs then laughs when Shame hi-fives him. Drummers in arms.
"He said it was loud and tickled his feet and that uncle Shame was playing the air drums." Jen says to Lex who smiles huge.
"Can he read lips?" She asks Jen and we both say yes, if
it is slow.
"I can interpret." Jen says and tells Lex to talk.
"Thank you for coming Axe. I am so glad you liked it." She said still smiling at him as Jen signs.
'I wish I could hear your voice better though.'
Jen smiles sweetly at him and signs. 'You will one day and I bet they will sing for you then too.'
Jen stands when he nods and I explain to Lex what he said.
She looks at me sadly for a second then claps her hands and jumps in excitement. "You recorded that right?"
"Yeah." I say and watch as she runs for her flash drive.
"Can you upload Hurricane for me really quick?"
I do as she asks and she loads it in her computer. "Now, set the sounds on all the volume levels and up the treble."
I follow as we all do because this is her thing not mine. Once I do as she asks she asks Jen to sign for her again.
"I am going to put the recorded version on in a way I think you will be able to hear it and your dad will sign it for you." She looks at me then as Jen signs to him. "You know all the words, right?"
I nod and watch as Axe lights up and runs to Shame.
'I will drum with you ok?'
'You got it. Let's do this my man.'
The song starts again with the treble high and though it sounds like shit to us, it makes it easy for Axe to hear more of the song. I start signing the lyrics to him and see him follow my hands as he takes in the words. Though he is still too young to understand the depth or meaning, for one split second he was free of his hearing disorder.
Once the drums came in, he followed my hands as Shame sat him on his knees for the bass and used his hands for the toms and symbols.
I had never in my life seen him this happy. Not ever and I felt like a King.
He looks at us when it goes silent for a few seconds until the piano comes through and I watch him try his best to focus to hear the sound. All too soon though Shame had him beating the shit out of the air drums and I loved his giggle.
I stopped signing when Shame had him all over the place in dramatic Rockstar fashion at the hardest hitting part. This was awesome and I look to Lex thankful she knew how to enhance the sound for him.
