by Emjay Soren
By the end of the song Shame was tossing Axe in the air making him laugh and signing what a badass he was, pissing Jen off for signing a swearword. I looked to Lex, in awe.
"Thank you, holy shit I have never seen him smile like that, seeing him understand the words. I wish I had thought to sign but I am always using my hands."
I hug her and she laughs. "Well now you know. I love that I could give you something for all the hard work and help you have given me Calvin."
"Thank you so much Lexington." Jen says and wipes her tears. When we are mom and dad we are so strong.
"Come here momma." I say, pulling her close and kiss the top of her head. "That was bad ass, right?"
She nods. "Can we chat for a few minutes alone?" She asks as the room starts to empty slowly.
Of course." I say and tell everyone to give us a minute.
"Hey, so what’s up?" I ask after I get Ral to get Axe in bed for the night and made everyone go upstairs and let us chat a bit.
"I want to know why you’re doing this? Is it really about the music or you digging the knife deeper?"
I swear to God I heard the brakes on my brain at that. Hand to the good Lord, I didn’t expect another fight.
"Are you kidding me Jenny?" I fall back against the seat and rock back and forth, my head staring at the ceiling.
Fuck I need some dignity, I really do.
I sit forward and look at her, tired of this whole thing. Tired to the point I might have no choice but to let her go so I can salvage my pride. "It is one-hundred percent the music. I can hear it in my head Jen. I can’t explain it to you, or Chad or anyone not even Lex. It is how I have always composed."
"And the fact she is a knockout redhead? Is that just the ugly bonus for me?"
Once again, I hear the brakes screech in my head. "This is about Lex?"
She looks ashamed and I hate that I made her think I was trying to get with Lex. "You said you would forget me once you had your fill of redheads."
Jesus, that damn comment is going to haunt me forever. "Jen, first off that was a bold threat I made knowing there is only one red head that could do it for me. That, is you." I stand from the chair and go to her and as she fights my arms going around her in a simple hug. Finally, she lets me touch her and I hold her. I rest her head against my chest and rub her back, knowing she is in tears, silent but wet against my shirt.
Such pride my Red. Hates her tears and I have made her cry too much today.
"I'm sorry I keep fighting you Cal." She sobs and buries her face deeper into my chest, her hands going to her face to protect her weakness from me.
"Jen, I made you this way. My treatment of you has damaged your trust in me, maybe forever."
She shakes her head no. "No, I am hiding from you for my own reasons." She pulls back and looks at me, her green eyes rimmed in red with black tears from her mascara. "I need to tell you, I know I do."
She takes a deep breath and I am scared that she will tell me some awful secret about our son. "Tell me." I say and leave my tone calm, dead almost. I know, I fucking know that this is where the other shoe falls.
I sit back down in the chair and leave her standing. I need her to feel in control for this. "Tell me Red."
She covers her eyes with her hands, trying to clear them of tears and making a mess of her face in the process. I would laugh or say something normally, but her sadness and fear has me nervous and I know it is bad.
"The, um... the day I dropped Axe off at your parents?" She looks at me, hiccupping on a sob. I nod, that yes duh of course I recall that day with a disturbing clarity.
"Well..." She chokes and coughs and her hands tremble as she fights her fear.
"Jen, you’re making it worse by freaking out. Just tell me." I don’t raise my voice or show my frustration... I just want to know why she hasn’t let me in and whatever it is, is because of that day and that terrifies me.
"I had gone to a party, Axe was with me and I was looking for a quick fix and didn’t have money..."
She trails off and looks anywhere but at me and my blood runs cold. "And?" Now I speak with the harshness I feel. Simply, no way this isn’t going to end well.
"I followed four guys into the room to make the deal." She is crying again and slamming her eyes shut as if blocking the memory of something too awful.
"Did they hurt Axe, Jen? Do you know if you could spot them in a line-up?" I am standing now, pacing thinking of my precious son and the array of horrifying shit that he could have experienced. This shit, fucks with me harder knowing Jen exposed him to it, even for the briefest seconds.
I am trying to calm my mind. She paid her dues, she did the right thing. Axe and Jen are both healthier now than ever before... But nothing seems to comfort me for the lack of the 'what' that took place.
"No, Axe was not touched or harmed, God no. Even at my lowest point Cal, I would crucify any son of a bitch that thought to touch a hair on his head."
She is no longer crying, like the thought of any harm to him was so repulsive we both found our grounding through the fear.
But, within seconds I fear where this story is going. No money? Quick hit? Party...four men? Oh my god it hits me before she says a word, hits me square in the nuts. She was hurt?
"What happened with the four men Jen?" I ask and I fall into the seat, unable to stand...losing my grounding again.
"Look, I can’t give you the details because it is an awful reminder of how desperate I was to forget my shitty existence that I would put myself, and our son in a position like that."
"Jen..." I can’t speak. I think she was raped or at the least beat up. Either of those things are far too big a price for her sins.
I lean forward and pull her to me by the back pocket of her jeans. "Jen..." I say and feel my tears spill over at the wreckage. There is no shame for them here though. The mother of my son was hurt beyond repair and I wanted to comfort her.
She fell to her knees before me and began crying. "Don’t cry Cal. I deserved it, every second of it."
"Did they rape you?" My voice cracks under the weight of the emotion.
She nods yes, confirming the worst news and my heart breaks for her.
"All of them?" I ask feeling the bile rising in my throat, to the point I am scared I will vomit. I take a deep breath trying to calm my rush of anger and sorrow. Not at her, no. There is no excuse, none on this fucking planet to rape or beat women or children. That sort of punishment is only for the one raping and may they get a full does behind bars.
Fuck this I was pissed.
"They beat me up, threatened to hurt Axe if I didn’t stop fighting. I felt so disgusting pushing my limits that far and endangering him. I just lie still and let them hurt me, to no end." She looks at me and more tears spill over. "I deserved every minute of it and I asked God to save Axe so I could give him to you for the life he deserved. I wanted for Tay to be what I couldn’t and now she failed him too. I am never going to be the mother he needs because I will always be the mother who took him into that filthy room at that party. This was deserved punishment."
I grab my phone and text Noah asking for whiskey stat, but don’t hit send just yet. I want to protect her in this and it is possible Noah doesn’t know about this, not likely but still possible. If he doesn’t know he sure as shit can leave the whiskey at the door. "Does Noah know?" I ask as she looks at me confused with my phone in hand.
She nods and cries even harder. I hit send and pull her into my lap and rock her courtesy of the swivel chair. "He has known since we became friends, I trust him to know this ugliness I carry and not hate or blame me."
"Firefly, I don’t hate or blame you. I am so glad that you haven’t been hiding this inside from everyone. I could never find words to tell him thank you for loving you when I refused."
She looks at me, her brows drawn. "Firefly?"
A tap on the door alerts me to Noah and the much-needed harshness of the whiskey. Jen goes to stand, but I hold her there. "Yea
h." I yell and turn her face to mine as Noah walks in with the bottle of Johnny Walker Blue label. "I asked him to bring us whiskey." I look at him and smile. "Scotch sounds better though."
He hands me the bottle noticing the tears in my eyes and looks at Jen. "You did it?" He asks and she falls apart again in my arms, a mess of tears.
"Yeah she did." I say kissing her on top of the head trying to soothe her. I can’t hide the emotion even if I wanted to. I hurt for her, with her and want so bad to take it all away.
"Allow me." Noah says, pouring two glasses for us, Jen's containing much more than mine. "That’s why I brought the Blue." He says to me before squatting down to look at Jen. "I told you babes. He is much stronger than he knows." He tips her chin to meet his eyes. "Not your fault."
He kisses her on the forehead and cups my shoulder before he leaves the room.
We sit in silence, her on my lap for endless minutes. She will cry and then stop, catch her breath, then some image or thought breaks the peace and she falls apart again. It is agonizing knowing the one you know is meant for you cannot be reached at the moment. I think of Noah and Carrie and how trust me had kept them safe and sane. I wished like hell I was that suave to know how to fix her.
"Why did you call me firefly?" She asks and I jump a little at the silence being broken. The Scotch seems to have calmed her down.
I run my fingers through her hair, feeling the silky-smooth strands that she straightened today. "Your hair." I say, breathing in the clean perfume in it. Love the smell of her.
"I like it." She says and takes a shuttering breath.
"I have always called you it, just not out loud. In junior high I don’t think it really made sense to me. In high school I was too scared of looking like a whipped nutless bastard like Shame was." I laugh as she sits back and looks up at me with a smile. "After that it was just something I would think of you with."
I take her hand into mine and weave our fingers together, holding them up for her to see. My tattooed hands in her pale unmarred hands. "Like this, it just fit I guess."
"I love that." She says as she takes a sip from her almost empty scotch, the ice clinking the glass from her trembling hands. I want so bad to remove any doubt in her that this was her fault, that she actually believes she paid her dues with her body.
I have been with her so many times, so many. I have watched her with my friends, or shared her with them like the deviant sociopaths we all were back then. It makes sense she takes the blame, sex meant nothing to her back then. Just the life she led. The blinding difference though is she didn’t deserve the violence or the unwelcomed intrusion.
I think of the last time we fucked, how she offered herself to me in pure trust and I feel the pit in my stomach bottom out. "I need to ask you something."
She sighs, drinks the rest of her drink and looks at me. "Okay."
"That night... Christmas after Tay left me. Was that okay? Did I hurt or scare you?" We fucked all night that night, but it was only gentle at the beginning of the first round. It was a god damned debauchery by the time we were both spent. I beat off to the images that night, my fingers in her ass, my tongue in her pussy, the way I railed her over and over.
Now, the glasses are off and everything is clear...no wonder she won’t trust me.
She stands from my lap even though I try to keep her near. She turns and straddles me over the chair. "The night that started a little like this?" She asks and runs her fingers along the side of my beard and over the top of my right ear.
I pull her into me, unable to not be turned on, though I am not ravenous or horney by any guys standards after the night we have had. But this is Jen, my firefly, my dream in the flesh straddling me.
Come on!
"That night, yes."
"That night was more than okay. It was perfect. It was the morning after that sucked."
"Hey!" I say and pull her face to mine. "I haven’t touched Tayla since the day I found out she cheated. Not once. If she ever made you think that by going to the studio to fight. I chose the studio because I am a hateful prick that only now can I attempt being cordial. I needed to protect Axe from hearing it all, or in his case seeing it."
"How did you know I felt like that?" She asks, cupping my face to. Fuck I am a bastard. I want to kiss her.
"Because I know you, better than you think. When you confirmed that when we fought at your place, I knew I was right."
She slides her nails lightly over my beard and I am trying so hard not to rock against her because I am hard as fuck. "I was with fangirls though. When we finished the tour, and did the press tour I fucked a plenty, but the minute I came home to you my dick has been on lockdown." I punch up against her, the heat of her killing my restraint. I need to feel her.
"I have only been with you since that awful night." She says and rocks against me until our mouths touch and I crack under the pressure. My hands go into her hair as I palm the back of her head, pulling her closer, my tongue going deeper. Every part of me like a damn demon hell bent on getting her soul.
She pulled back to soon, but her grinding on me didn’t stop as fast. "You asked me that night to fix you..."
I nod and kiss behind her ear, placing my hands on her hips to pull her against me.
"Did it help?" She shivers as she says it and I chuckle.
"Yes. More than you could ever know. The days following were sucky though."
She slaps me lightly on the shoulder. "Don’t copy me."
I pull back and look at her, stop teasing her so that she knows even though I want her that I can stop and give her my attention.
"That night... it saved me from being the cynical sack of shit I was turning into. The minute I touched you, that you let me touch you..." I shake my head to clear the fog of emotions this shit erupts in me. "It proved to me that Tayla wasn’t my life. She and I fell apart months before that and I was clinging to the love we once had not the reality that it was dying. With you, the fire was always there, spanning a damn decade and more. Even when I swore I hated you, under it all I wanted you. It was easy to fight it at first, but as everything changed and we both became better parents, Tay left... I couldn’t fight it anymore. You were there picking up my mess all while working and taking care of Axe. You shouldered everything for me so I could lick my wounds." I kiss her sweet and feather soft on her lips. "There was no denying it after that."
"Caly..." she says and hearing her call me that has my cock seriously pissed off by my refusal to fuck right now.
"That is exactly why you could never deserve to be so brutally raped and destroyed. You’re good Red. You’re so very good."
Jen
I was blown away by his response to why I fight him. I was terrified he would never forgive me and losing him for good was too much to bear. I wanted nothing more right now to be fixed, just as I did for him. For the first time in this thing with Cal though, I didn’t know how to ask him to sandblast everything ugly away and fix me.
"I want so bad to believe that Cal."
His hands trace circles on my back and my hip and though he isn’t trying to get a quick ride in, I feel him hard beneath me and I can’t stop from rolling my hips.
"How can I make you believe it Red?" He asks and I feel him tense, so tense by my touch.
I use all the carnal knowledge between us and ask him the same thing he asked me once and hope he knows the answer. "Fix me?"
He watches me closely waiting for me to reject him as I have so many times in the last eighteen months. "Fix me Cal."
I fall into his lips and grind against him, but he pushes me back and cups my face in his hands. "I can’t just fuck you Jen. We are so past it and I have no desire to be all about sex. I need it all from you, sleep with me tonight and see me and Axe in the morning. Miss me as much as I will miss you when you’re at work or I am. I will protect you from anything shitty, but you got to choose all of me too."
"The rest we hash out later?" I ask knowing it was his promise, his ple
dge to make me choose a few weeks ago in the fight at my place.
"Yep."
"Okay."
Apparently, that was all he needed to hear as he stood, lifting me with him and setting me on my feet in front of him. His mouth was on mine, seeking everything I ever wanted to give him as he works my jeans and panties down my legs. He slaps my ass cheek lightly. "Step out."
I do and reach for him but he brushes my hands away. "I am worshiping every inch tonight Jen. I have been jacking off to this moment for damn near two years. I need to relish and binge on you."
He turns me until I am on the chair and watch, elated as he spreads my legs wide over the arms of the chair. My pussy is spread and on display before him. "Fuck, you’re glistening Firefly." He slips a finger along my slit and I know I am wet, almost too wet. His head falls between my legs and he start licking me, fast and urgent on my clit.
"Holy shit you are so good at that Caly."
He pulls back, his lips wet from the pleasure and I love seeing myself on his lips and beard. "I ever tell you that eating you out has and will always be my favorite part of our history. I loved feasting on you all night, could have happily slept between these thighs and my mouth buried in your pussy. I fucking love it Jen, fucking so good."
His words and the way he touched me as he spoke them had me molten hot and so ready to release. He was back at my clit and going strong and hard. "Need me to fuck this pretty cunt with my fingers?" He asks and slips his fingers up and down my slit.
My fingers are in his hair and I am writhing on the chair desperate to cum. "Yes, please yes and lick my clit some more Caly. Make me cum harder than ever before.
"Wanna gush for me Red?" Holy shit he is one lewd mother fucker, how twisted that I love it. There is no fear here, not with us. We have already tipped the scale on freaky kink.
"Yes, I want to drench you." I say and I mean it. We are beyond dirty and there is this decadence in it all that makes it okay and comforts us both.
