TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

“I g-g-g-gotta g-g-go.” I sob and fear that door opening on me and him seeing what it all has done to me. I am safe with these guys seeing my heart exposed and bleeding, but he can’t… he just can’t.

  But, that door flew open before I could get away and shame, like a tsunami came over me as I tried to hide my pain from him. Sully pushed me aside until I was in Asa’s arms. I feel his hand on the back of my head, shielding me as best he can from Cal. “Oh, whatever you did to cause this is reason enough for you to run from me pretty boy! I am two seconds away from breaking your million-dollar fingers.”

  Asa wasn’t kidding either. I might be the black mark that smudges the TAT world, but these guys saw me, knew me and never judged me.

  “Asa, get her out of here.” Sully says, and I feel Asa nod as he pulls me to my Escalade.

  “You, stay right the fuck here Cal.” Sully’s voice cut off immediately when Asa closed the door and I didn’t dare look out the window.

  “Take me to Noah's.” I say and keep my head down until I know we are a good mile away. And I fall apart.

  Cal

  “You know damn well I am not a threat to Jen.” I say to Sam, though it is clear he is on her side right now. I get it, I get her fear and why she is upset. Shit had to look bad, but I can make it right.

  “Then let her go and calm down. No harm no foul.” He shrugs his shoulders like what just went down was no big deal. It’s a big fuckin deal.

  I feel the ebb of fear creep in and I feel like there’s this huge weight on my chest and if I don’t fix this shit now, it will fester and infect every good thing in my life right now. “She saw Tay kiss me.” I say and wait for him to flip out on me or break my jaw or some shit.

  “So?” He says and takes a drag of his smoke, letting me go as he leans against the door.

  I pause with the lack of concern, confused by it. “What do you mean so?”

  “Why would she care? I know she wants you happy and to either get over it and move on or forgive her and move forward.”

  “Did she say that?” I ask and look to Sully, needing to confirm what I already know. She has kept this thing between us a secret.

  “In not so many words.” He kicks off the wall and comes close, looking me over and I see this… for lack of a better term, a light goes off. “Hoe-lee she-yit!”

  He is staring at me, like he just figured out the truth of a secret that’s been eating him alive. “You're in love with her.” He doesn’t ask, he says it so matter of fact and I am confused.

  I shake my head no and look up to the sky… for who knows what. I can’t even process why this shit is always so damn dramatic. I always figured if I fell for a girl, she would want me back and that was that. Sure, as shit wasn’t the case though.

  The summer after high school I dated Jenna, didn’t put up a fight the minute it ended and she left for college. It wasn’t a romance I would look back on and reminisce about, we just went on with life. No sorrow, no destruction.

  Tay was a tornado on my life and tried her best to destroy me. I am sure I would suffer injuries from the damage she caused for the rest of my life. How it ended caused major sorrow, major destruction.

  Now I am here again only it is Jenny. Our history surpasses Jenna and Tay combined and I am still confused as ever. Only now that confusion is joined by pure true fear, that she will run far away from me.

  “I can’t answer that Sull. I have never been here Sam. Not even with Tay. This whole thing is tricky and the shit that plagues my mind over her is the shit I keep letting get in the way.”

  “Like what?” He asks and I know he won’t run off and gossip. That isn’t why I am uncomfortable talking about it. “Dude, I am far more understanding of a guy’s fuck ups than you’ll ever know.”

  “The only thing fucking my game up is my head.” I look to him and motion to his cigarette. He hands me one and I light it, inhaling the Turkish tobacco like a lifeline. “The past, all the shit in our past twists inside me like a fucking poisonous vine and that vine has thorns that shred me, but I got passed it all. Now my fucking past comes to ruin it all."

  He looks at me like I might be crazy. No might, its officially happened and I have lost my shit. So much that I don’t notice Tayla coming out the back. "Cal?" She says and I swear to God, I am the last person she should be around.

  Sam must catch the tension and steps back until he is beside Tayla and it sets me off. "Why? Why every time I get pissed does everyone step close to a female like I might hit them or some shit?" I yell and take a purposeful five steps back. "There! Can I fucking talk now?"

  "Cal, I know you aren’t hitting anyone, but you never want the shot that anything could escalate."

  "You just fucked my life up beyond all belief with that shit you pulled!" I yell and I don’t bother with the fight or the argument anymore.

  I need to find my firefly.

  Cal

  I pull up to Noah and Bright’s looking for Jen. If she went anywhere other than home this is the place. Noah and I are in a better place these days, better than ever before. Jen could influence that though.

  She and Noah were the very closest of friends and Noah has a hard time taking anyone’s side other than the girl in tears. That girl being Jen... I was so fucked.

  Bright yells from inside knowing it was me when I hit the gate that took me to their driveway.

  I walk towards the sounds coming from the kitchen to find Noah, Raleigh and Bright all there.

  "Hey honey." Raleigh says and gives me a hug. I half expect him to lick my neck or goose me, the fact he doesn’t is telling.

  I reach for a chip and dip it in the bowl of lime salsa Noah is always eating and waste no time. "She here?"

  "She was..." He says and shuts his laptop looking at me with a bitter smile on his lips. "Winna tell me why you were making out with Tayla?"

  I roll my eyes and link my fingers behind my neck, clearly annoyed. "Please dude, not even with your mouth."

  He laughs without humor. "You wanted nothing but her not too long ago."

  He leaves is words hanging in the air between us and I know what he implies by them. "I don’t think I have ever felt what I feel now Noah, so stop giving me shit."

  He quirks his brow at me. "And what’s that?"

  I groan, wishing like fuck he would just once not be the overbearing over protective asshole he is naturally and be on my side. "A mixture of raw fury, nausea and fear. All the fucking time."

  "Well, that’s par for the course fuckface." He says and I swear to God, I will kill him.

  "Anyone else not currently holding the title of Jenny Pope fan club president want to chime in?" I look to Raleigh and Bright for help.

  "Oh honey no. Nope. I am like second chair for that seat. I side with sugar daddy on this one." Raleigh, God love him, is twisted and lives beyond the place the rest of us do and gives zero fucks to what he should or shouldn’t say.

  I can hold in my laughter when he says it and I know that Noah, though probably annoyed often by Ral's constant pursue of swinging Noah to the all-boys team, he loves the kid and he is family.

  All of us. One big dysfunctional family.

  "Because you are on my side I won’t go into how fucking annoying you are right now."

  Ral laughs him off and looks at me. "Money bags, as daddy like to call her might choose sides." He motions to Bright and both she and Noah bust up laughing at him continuing to call Noah daddy.

  "One day he is gonna deck you Ral." I say and take a seat at the bar beside them.

  "No way." He shakes his head dramatically. "Daddy Warbucks loves me too much. I am the gay kid he and Bright will never have. They relish me with affection and money like all screwed up, sexually confused kid’s parents do."

  I laugh out loud at his words and the way he is so hyper-verbal when he rants. "Only you are twenty-four and not confused in the slightest."

  "I will always be confused..." He winks at me twice and starts laughing when Noah slaps the back of his
head.

  "Bright... Help me out here?"

  She turns to look at me, a soft smile on her face that reassures me. "For the record I am team Beckett." She looks at Noah who winks at her making her blush. Not that long ago I never thought I would see him domesticated with a pseudo kid and planning a wedding.

  "I think in this though I can be biased. I wasn’t around for you and Tay and all the drama that went down. That history is moot to me because what I know of her is foul. I wasn’t a fan when she hired me for Noah nor was I on that epic Thanksgiving that she completely ruined any image I could have of her."

  She comes to Noah's side, pushing Raleigh on his chair to get on Noah’s lap. "I didn’t like her then and I don’t like her now. I just respect everyone’s continued involvement of friendship with her outside of my two loves here. Jenny on the other hand, was always accommodating and helpful and kind so I would naturally defend her over Tay."

  Fuck my life she is on team Pope too. "And me? Where am I in all your thoughts and opinions Bright?"

  "I am on team Dorian." Noah and Raleigh both make shocked sighs and Ral even imitates a gag and I pull his hair and he screams like the valley girl he is acting like.

  "Look I love and adore Jenny. I trust her implicitly and she is one of my closest friends. But, I know a thing or two about being your worst enemy and you are your worst enemy. I need to know why the hell you would kiss Tay and fall back down into the rabbit hole she threw you in." With far more compassion than I deserve she looks at me softly. "She destroyed you Cal. We all watched idly by as Jenny put you back together piece by piece. So why? Why even let her close enough to hurt you again?"

  "I didn’t let her kiss me and sure as shit didn’t kiss her back. Black dumped her and she was looking for me to support her and comfort her when she called. I told her I was at the PIT waiting to get tattooed. While she was hoping I would take her back in, I was ready to divest her rights in Axe."

  "Ohmigawd!" Bright squeals while Ral gave an, 'MmmmHmmm." Noah just looked at me, searching for any sign of bullshit.

  "I care about her...I chose her." I say and point my stare at Noah. "Feel me...?"

  He nods once and looks away. "Yeah, I feel you." He taps Bright’s hips so she will stand and kisses her on the nose before directing me to follow him down the hall.

  We stop in front of he and Bright’s room and I see Jen lying asleep on the top of their made bed. I want to be pissed that she was here the whole time, but seeing her exhausted in the only safe place she could find ripped my heart out.

  I step in the room and close the door quietly. I scoop her into my arms as she startles awake. I place her face in my hands and kiss her forehead. "I want to explain what you saw if you will let me Jen."

  Huge tears spill from her red rimmed and swollen eyes and I can only kiss her softly. "I am so sorry firefly."

  Jen

  I wake up when Axe is tapping me a million times on my forehead and it is barely light outside. 'What's up son?' I sign not even sure if he could see my hands.

  'Daddy?' He asks for Cal and I look around the room, recognizing I am in his bed.

  I shrug and look around, seeing it is eight am and realizing the blinds are drawn. Panic sets in wondering how long he has been running around looking for his dad. 'Did you just get up?' I ask and roll from the bed to turn the light on.

  He nods yes and takes my phone off the charger to start playing Candy Crush. I press the alert button that makes an awful loud buzz and a green and white light flash in the room. Cal installed these when we learned he was losing his hearing. He didn’t care if it was temporary or permanent, he installed them anyway.

  Axe looks up at me annoyed I interrupted his game. 'I am going to make breakfast. No phone until you eat.' I sign and take my phone. He starts throwing a tantrum on the bed and I fold my arms watching, bored by the antics. Once he sees I am not caving he looks at me.

  'Why not? I can play and eat.'

  "Why is because I said so and no you won’t play and eat because it is poor manners." I sign and speak as he stomps off the bed and walks toward me.

  'Manners for who mom?' He signs and I try not to smile at the attitude he throws as he argues looking like a little boy too old for his age.

  'Me.' I sign in the same dramatic fashion and pick him up. 'I want a gentleman, not a brat.' I sign, but smile so he knows I am joking.

  He folds his arms and digs in to ignore me. I let him, it's a phase and I know that and I refuse to cave into him. He is the son of a millionaire Rockstar. If we allow it he will be raised as an entitled and selfish kid that has everything handed to him. It is something Cal and Tayla wouldn’t allow and something I won’t allow either.

  I was raised humble, and I mean humble. There were Christmases I got food and socks and was thankful. I want that same graciousness in Axe for the simple fact that he will always strive for more.

  I make him toast and peel a banana and set them in front of him with a juice box and wait for him to tell me thank you.

  'Thank you.' He signs, but keeps looking out the window, lost on whatever unfair notion he thinks of me.

  I pour my coffee and look at my phone seeing a text from Cal.

  Cal: Hey, left at six to get to practice. I know shit is out of control right now and that you hate me, but please come tonight Red. Everything will be clear tonight.

  I don’t respond even though I know I am going to support him tonight. I don’t respond because I have nothing to say. Seeing them kissing unhinged something inside of me that left me questioning anything. He loved her, for years and built a life with her. Wanted to marry her. Wanted her to mother our son. It would be a foolish notion to hope he felt nothing.

  I have dated and I have cared for other men over our history. I know it's hard to explain those draws when you know you love someone else. I always loved Cal more than any other guy. I fear that what he is to me, is what Tayla is to him. I cannot afford to be an afterthought, or next contestant.

  Noah text me then as Axe brings me his plate and throws his napkin away, looking at me like he is waiting for my phone and I don’t know what is up with the attitude. 'Thank you for cleaning up your breakfast.' I sign and read the message.

  Noah: Bright wants you to meet at our place before his show. Pregame shit I’m sure.

  Me: Ok, I will text when I am on my way.

  I look at Axe who is glaring at me. "What's the attitude about Axe Calvin Dorian?" I sign as I speak and see him flinch at the use of the full birth name.

  'I can’t go see daddy and Lex play.' He signs and I see fat tears welling in his eyes. I feel bad that I didn’t know he was feeling left out.

  "Baby, this show is for adults only. You have to be able to drive a car to get into it." I explain and leave out the twenty-one and over thing because he won’t understand.

  'That’s dumb.' He states and stomps his foot as tears fall.

  "Dumb is a mean word Axe and you know it." I sign with my voice getting loud from frustration he can’t hear.

  'You’re dumb and I like dads shows. I wear ear things that protect me so you’re lying and that makes you dumb.'

  Now, I have done the parenting classes and sensitivity therapy for kids with disabilities that are there to help you understand... but he went and pissed me off because this was spoiled brat shit and nothing to do with his hearing being the factor and he knew it.

  "Listen here little boy. I am your mom and it is my job to make sure that you are safe, respectful and happy. If I can’t make you happy, I guarantee it is because I am keeping you safe and respectful. Whatever this is, isn’t open for discussion and now you can go to your room." I sign fast as I speak, but I know he got the point of my anger.

  He went to interrupt me and I took his hands in mine. "No, do not argue with me. I said go to your room. If you fight me on this you will lose all electronics for the day."

  He yanks his hands from me and looks me dead in the eyes. 'So?' He signs, and hand to God... I was
more a mother than ever before.

  'Okay, that’s done. Want to lose more?' I sign.

  He shrugs and smiles a mean smile at me. 'I know you’re lying. I go to his shows a lot.'

  "Keep it up and I will call dad and have him come explain it to you." I state firmly and wait for him to call my bluff.

  Which he does.

  What the hell is up with my normally sweet kiddo?

  I keep my cool and shrug same as him and call Cal on facetime. I have no clue how to explain this fit, but so be it if he thinks for one second either of us will cater to the fit.

  I prop the phone and sit where he can see me and my hands when he answers. "Hey babe..." He says it cautiously and I could care less about the shit yesterday. Right now, we are mom and dad.

  "Your son wants to talk to you." I sign and speak so Axe can see I mean business. Cal knew my tone did and Axe couldn’t care less right now.

  "What’s up little man?" He signs and asks, looking between the two of us and see's my frustration and his tears. "Why you crying dude?"

  Axe starts signing a mile a minute telling Cal how mean I am and I am floored by the outburst when Cal interrupts him and claps his hands in front of the screen making Axe flinch.

  He signs just as fast, half speaking and half signing. It happens sometimes when emotions are high. "Now!" He says sternly without signing, knowing Axe knows he is serious.

  Axe storms off up to his room and leaves us to figure out who body snatched our kid.

  "What the fuck was that?" Cal asks.

  "He woke up upset. He was asking where you were and started the minute I turned the light on." I explain the attitude with my phone and with breakfast before the meltdown.

  "He is mad that he can’t come to the show. He thinks this is like the small ones we do on talk shows or radio when I let him tag along. He has only ever watched me play in small venues and so when we spoke of this one as small and intimate he thought we were leaving him out."

  I get it, easy enough, but I cannot stand how he spoke to me. "And calling me a liar and dumb?" I ask, mad I think for the first time ever at my son.