by Emjay Soren
I opened my bedroom door to see if there were any noises coming from Noah’s room. When I heard nothing for three agonizing minutes I tip-toed across the hall towards the stairs. I jumped about a hundred feet and screamed bloody murder when Noah opened the bathroom door just as I was creeping by it.
“What the fuck, Noah?” I screamed and jumped back grasping my chest.
“What!” He asked with glazed eyes and a dopey smile on his face. What the fuck was up with him.
“Are you drunk?” I asked and stepped closer where I could get a better look at his face.
“No, just got home from work. It was busy, I’m beat.”
He was lying to me. Bald face lying, and that was not something we did. “Bullshit, Noah.” My voice went harsh immediately and I gripped his chin forcing him to look at me. “What is wrong?” I asked through clenched teeth.
“Back off, Carrie! Damn!”
Noah never talked to me like that, like a child in need of punishment. I took in the glassy eyes and the fact that he was a pale shadow of the brother I knew and loved, and I knew. I dropped my stare to his hands and saw the needle and spoon, a spoon that was now burnt and wet with a slimy brown substance that I had seen too many times to be fooled.
“Oh my god, Noah.” I gasped and stepped back from him completely disgusted. “No, no, no, no, no!” I screamed and smacked his hands when his loot scattered to the floor. I pushed him back and he hit the wall hard. “Why?!?! For fuck’s sake, Noah, why?!”
“It’s under control, Carrie. Fuck, calm down.” He was so calm, his high keeping him from brooking any argument. “I just needed a little, I got shit on my mind.” He didn’t bother with excuses, he simply walked away from me. He slammed his door with enough effort to make my teeth rattle. Seconds later I could hear the blasting echo of Alice in Chains ‘Down in a Hole’ coming from his room, and knew I had no desire to sleep in this house tonight.
I walked back to my room and grabbed a few pillows, blankets and my cell charger and flipped the light switch before storming down the stairs. I opened the door to the small boathouse in the back of our property and lit the small propane lantern before I set to task making my bed on the old pull out couch.
There wasn’t much to be said about the place, but it was mine. I had a small desk in the corner with a rolling chair and a pull out sofa for the nights I stayed up writing, or in this case, when Noah got high. It had been where I practically lived when Noah started using four years ago. As my soul supporter back then, I was desperate for him to change, but also terrified of leaving him or of telling Seth and Lilly. I restored the boathouse to livable standards and made it my home away from home. I came out here to write, or sometimes just to think, and it had been my safe place for years. It was quickly becoming my hideout once again.
My phone beeped. I had forgotten about Chad in all the shit that went down with Noah. All day I had been looking for a distraction from my Chad muddled mind. What I wouldn’t give for that all encompassing feeling again.
Out front where are you?
I quickly responded.
Come out back to the boathouse. I’m inside.
I tossed my phone on the small desk in the corner and leaned back on the fold out bed I made. I had a passing thought that Chad would get the wrong impression at seeing the bed, but before I could fold it up he tapped on the door and walked in.
Every time I saw him he took my breath away. He was dressed in perfect fitting jeans that looked soft and well worn, though I was certain he paid greatly for that look. He wore a deep grey Henley with a Ramones vintage tee over the top. His head was wrapped in the black bandana that made my insides boil in precarious temptation. Just his hands and neck were showing the ink on his skin. In this moment I had an inappropriate thought that he would be the angel on my shoulder while Noah was the devil to my left. I had never seen Noah that way before, but knowing Chad had suffered with me in Noah’s former abuse, I knew he would feel the same now.
Chad knew who Junkie Noah looked like.
He took one look at me in my jeans and v neck black top and sauntered over, eyeing me like a piece of candy.
“Fuck, you’re beautiful, Carrie.” He said and took my hands in his, pulling me to him and pressing us tight while he stroked my back and rained kisses along the top of my head. This sexy man, a real life Rockstar, could be anywhere, in any bed right now. The fact he chose to come to me, knowing there was no promise of sex, well, it wrecked me quite easily.
I felt my eyes swelling with the need to cry; blinking back the tears I took a deep breath and inhaled all that was right in my world. It was an astounding emotion to know it was him that was right. He smelled like a man, musky, just a hint of soap. He’d likely showered when he’d gotten home and the scent that now enveloped him was uniquely Chad. It was fucking amazing.
“I’m so glad you’re here, Chad.” I spoke softly into the fabric of his shirt and pulled him tighter to me, feeling my tears fall against all hope of holding it in.
Chad noticed and squeezed me tighter. “Please, tell me that whatever has you so choked up right now has nothing to do with me not responding to your text earlier.”
His hands stroked gently up and down my spine and he made no move to stop anytime soon. I drank the comfort in like a dying woman in a desert and let him hold me.
Sometime later we had shifted from standing to lying side by side on the pullout bed. I was slowly drifting off, but I didn’t want to sleep. “It wasn’t you, Chad.” I whispered, not wanting to break the moment of peacefulness.
“What was it, baby?” He asked just as quietly. Even his whisper was sexy as hell. He kissed my forehead and waited for my reply.
I knew that once I told him what I was upset about, the peacefulness between us would fracture and dissipate, but I had to tell him. “Noah was shooting up in the bathroom right before you got here.”
Chad
“Noah was shooting up in the bathroom right before you got here.”
I feel sucker punched. “Fuck…you sure?”
She nods in this sad and disenchanted way and I know she feels the same sickness I do. She explains what happened before I got here. He was fucking lucky she caught him in the act. Cal or Shame or I would have beat him down.
“That explains why he cancelled all his appointments for today and tomorrow at the last minute.” I stroke her hair and try to calm us both down.
“He wasn’t at work? He told me upstairs when I caught him that he just got home. I had zero desire to know where he was.”
I shook my head. “I tried calling all day, but didn’t get through till I threatened to fuck him up when I texted asking about you earlier tonight.”
“So he planned it!” She says disgusted and I understand it.
I want to console her, remind her she is safe and to promise her we can heal Noah. And in the same second I want to kick his ass. “Jesus, I have to talk to the guys about this, Carrie.”
She nods, “I know, but please, Chad, don’t kick him out, give him a chance to get it right.” It killed me to say what needed to be said right now. I love Noah like a brother I never had, but I couldn’t back this.
“I can’t promise that, Carrie.” I say, and know she is on the defensive the minute she pulls away from me. “babe, look at me.”
She does, and I want to promise it, I do, but it isn’t just our world it affects. “I can’t promise that Noah will give a shit that we know. I hope he will, I hope he will take it for what it is and get off that shit for good. But I can’t make that promise. We have a shot at making it. We have an enormous fan base and we get played on the local stations and sell out the hottest clubs in the state. No matter how much I love Noah, I can’t risk all our futures because he craves a rush to poison.”
She hates my words and I understand it. I drop my hands and give her some distance to hear me out.
“I have a future Carrie, even if I chose to leave my music behind, I’d have a steady and solid income as
a tattoo artist. Shame would become crabber, he’d hate it, but he’d do it, and Cal would probably stay in construction. We are at the top of our game and we busted our asses to get there. This isn’t just my dream, Carrie, this affects us all.”
I watch her eyes well with tears and I feel for her. I know they think they are all they have, but I know myself, I know the guys. We are all in it together. We wont let Noah go without a fight, but he needs to fight too.
“God, Chad, I don’t know what to do.”
“How did he clean up last time?” I ask. We know this fucking disease has been chasing Noah down for years. A few years back when we were all still getting started he pulled this shit. There is plenty more at stake this round.
“It was me or the drugs. I was going to move into Aunt Lilly and Uncle Seth’s and dissolve all ties with him. Being my guardian was everything to him. He had fought and bled to get us here and we won. It mattered to him, but now I’m an adult and I have nothing to hold over his head, Chad.”
“You do if you just leave him. Hell baby, you can go to Candy, to me, any of the guys would take you in willingly. We’ve all always been you and Noah’s family.” I pull her hand to my lips and kiss her knuckles. “Coming home with me would have some serious perks though.” I wink and smile trying to lighten the mood.
“Like what? Back rubs and breakfast in bed?”
“Backrubs and breakfast in bed, huh? Yeah, I’d let you do those things for me.” I tease and she slaps me lightly in the stomach before wrapping her arms around me.
“Oh, please. You sneeze and about fifty fangirls line up to give the consolatory ‘bless you.’ I’m sure a backrub and breakfast in bed would cause a riot.”
I kiss her forehead laughing. “The difference there Carrie, is that I don’t want them doing things for me.” I say softly as I nuzzle in under her ear. “It’s you I want, Carrie. You just need to realize that.” He whispered and sent chills down my arms. As if the seduction wasn’t enough he then placed his lips just beneath my ear against my neck and kissed me softly.
On my neck.
My newest set of worries?
Why the hell hasn’t he kissed me on the lips? Sitting here with him all sweet and cuddly had my hormones in overdrive and I wanted a lot more than a kiss.
Chad Blake wasn’t putting out!
*
Chad
“I feel awful keeping you up late knowing how crazy your day will be tomorrow.” She says on a yawn and stretches beside me.
“Look where I am Carrie.” She rolls to her side and places her hand on my cheek as we now lay face to face.
“This is my safe place. I like you in my safe place.”
“Yeah?” I ask and pull her closer to me.
She nods and wraps a leg over my hip.
“I am here until you kick me out.” I say and stroke my palm over the curve of her hip. I want to kiss her, to roll her to her back and invade on her. I must physically restrain myself because as much as I want her, to binge on her and worship? She is dealing with some intense shit and I wont take advantage of the silence or the closeness we have right now. I want her every thought centered on me when I make my move. I don’t want to be her cold comfort.
“What does that mean?” She asks me and… I just don’t know. I haven’t ever been here before and it is fucking terrifying.
“It doesn’t have to mean anything more than the fact we are into each other, Carrie. If you don’t want titles, I’m cool with it, but usually when you keep things monogamous, it means exclusive. I don’t give a shit about labels, just you, Carrie.”
“I’m cool with whatever Chad really.” I know she is a damn liar, its in the rasp of her voice, the shakiness of it.
“Look Carrie…” I sit up and lean back against the bed, pulling her up with me. I roll her to her side and run my fingers over her ribs until she is giggling. “I’m crazy… for you baby…can’t you see…. And I’m wondering’ … if you’re crazy…. Just like me…” I sing into her ear and strum my air guitar on her ribs. I feel her goosebumps and have to shift back because my dicks hard.
Look it is what it is. I can guarantee she is wet as fuck right now.
“I love that song.” She whispers and squirms against me.
“I can tell.” I say against the cap of her shoulder. “Get on board with it babe. Everyone will know soon enough exactly where I stand.”
She nods sweetly and I kiss her temple. That’s my girl.
*
I woke the next day after a restless night thinking on what I need to do about Noah. I had nothing. I was so fucking mad that he would jeopardize everything, including our futures as a band. I don’t know why he uses. I know shit was bad as a kid, but I also know he needs to move on. Carrie is skittish and her confidence needs a boost, but she isn’t a fucking junkie so why is he? I roll from the bed after fighting with leaving her, but the morning wood is real and with her beside me… yeah I need to go.
I needed to get to work and then an early practice before the show tonight. This meeting needed to happen so that Noah knew from here out we were on his ass.
I gather my things and spot a dark burgundy peony outside. I picked it and put it in a small cup of water and wrote a quick note so she knows I wasn’t bailing out.
My Girl-
I hate leaving you knowing you were hurting and scared. I keep looking over my shoulder listening to you breathe and I want to curl in beside you and stay all day. I would do just that, but I have a client at nine and the piece is huge. I know I’ll see you tonight but until then I will think of you and wish like hell that I would have put my awesome moves on you last night and at least stole a kiss from your sweet lips.
Know that we will fix this and that you and Noah are not alone.
Thinking of only you -
Your Man xoxo
Ps
Is the peony your favorite flower? Am I close? I will figure this out and then shower you in the scent.
Carrie
I made my way back into the house catching a glimpse of the clock. It was almost three in the afternoon and I had to get moving. I filled a glass with water placed my peony in the water and smelled the tips. God, that boy had turned me into a ball of sexually fueled mush. The butterflies in my stomach were doing the happy dance. I pocketed the note and planned to put it in my room on my corkboard. Turning to head for the stairs and get in the shower, I passed the bathroom and saw the remnants of Noah’s habit lying on the counter.
I refused to touch that shit and with a disgusted groan I turned around and headed for the second shower on the lower level. But when I spun around, my aggravation peaking, I came to a halt when I saw Noah standing there watching me.
He looked like shit. My brother was normally a girl magnet. He had a messy style that drew women by the droves. His hair was scattered light and dark blonde and always perfectly chaotic. The center of his bottom lip housed a small silver ring and below it a barbell through his cleft. He was muscular and his arms were sleeved, his body an entire art piece telling a tale that would bring most to their knees. He had no idea his worth.
Now his normally messy hair looked filthy and in desperate need of a scrub. Heroin users have a stench, it permeates from the skin and it smells of wet rust and decay and Noah was reeking of it. I hated that smell. It was a clue to the fact that Noah probably hadn’t slept all night. More than likely not until he’d finally passed out from the use.
“Clean this shit up, Noah.” I spoke with disappointment and disgust lining my voice. I didn’t know what emotion I felt more strongly. They were both vying for the top spot. I was so sad to see that he had fallen so quickly, but angry that he wouldn’t man up and go to a meeting instead of a dealer. “When you’re done we are sitting down and figuring out what the next step is.”
He ran a shaking hand through his hair and refused to look at me. I had seen this kid at his worst, there was nothing that I wouldn’t do for him. Knowing that it was his binge last night t
hat kept him from looking me in the eye gave me hope. If he was guilty then it meant he didn’t want it. “No, we aren’t.” He looked at me then, his pupils still dilated, but I could see the burn down after his high. He wasn’t sober, but he wasn’t completely high either. “I went on a stupid fucking binge, Carrie. I need to talk to you about why, but I need a shower and food and then I have to get to practice.”
He stopped and cupped my face in his hands. “I will head to a meeting before our show, I swear. I don’t want to fall back in the rabbit hole, Sissy.”
“Swear to trust.” I demanded, not looking away from his stare. He had to swear on trust, on the one word, the game, the entirety of what kept us safe all our lives. If he was getting back on the wagon, he would swear to trust.
“I swear, Sissy.” His voice was pleading as he pulled me in close, hugging me tightly to his chest. I bit back a gag from the stench. “Fuck, I’m so sorry baby girl.”
Noah never let me see him cry, no matter how bad or hard my father hit him, I’d never once seen him shed a tear. But here and now I could feel my t-shirt being stained by his tears as he cried silently on my shoulder. He clawed at my shoulders, his wounded pride eating at him. I had moments every day that reminded me why I hated our father. This was one of the many I had already had today.
He had damaged this man in my arms, kept him from being his best because he hated us no matter what we did. I would never understand why my father hated Noah, Noah was the best person I knew.
“It’s ok, Bubba, I won’t let you fall, I promise.”
He only cried harder at my words. I let him sob, there was nothing left to say.
*
“Did you sleep in the boathouse last night?” Noah asked as he poured a fresh cup of coffee then came to sit beside me on the porch swing. It was just after five and the sun was low in the sky heading for its nighttime descent in the west. You could see the bridge entering the harbor from our porch. We were on the water, our house was cottage like, smaller than the others along the shoreline, but plenty big enough for us. Gig Harbor was home to the only family we had left, Aunt Lilly and Uncle Seth. They were my emergency guardians if Noah needed help. Seth was our father’s brother. I often wondered how they could come from the same parents. Where Uncle Seth was the kindest, gentlest man I know, our father was the devil disguised in men’s clothing.
