by Emjay Soren
I nodded not wanting to break that peaceful feeling between us. The bay was about to slip into the sunset. The sky would turn purple and red and reflect off the water leaving its mark in luminous beauty.
Never one for stepping gently into an uncomfortable conversation, Noah blurted out what had him diving head first into a dime bag of heroin.
“I got a call from dad a couple of weeks ago. I ignored him as long as I could, but he made it pretty clear that he wasn’t ok with being ignored when he showed up at the shop night before last.”
Chapter Seven
Carrie
“What?” There was no way I heard that right.
“You heard me, Sissy.” He said, holding his coffee cupped in both hands. He sat back more comfortably in the swing and crossed his foot over his knee.
I took a deep breath hoping to calm my nerves but after stressing all day yesterday over Chad, then last night recovering from Noah’s overwhelming disappointment, well, this was a bit much. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you scared.” He sipped his coffee, calm as the water before us, like he didn’t have a care in the world. When it was the opposite. This was the worst news possible.
“Obviously I’m pissed off at being left out of the loop about this, but considering I’ve had about all I can take in the last twenty-four hours, we can come back to that.” I curled my feet beneath me and twisted around until I was facing Noah. “What’s our first move?”
“We’re meeting with the trust fund dicks in Seattle soon, so that he can sign the papers. He told me he wants to see you, and I hit him so fucking hard his nose crunched.”
Oh God… no.
“What?” I gasped in astonishment.
Noah just nodded and sipped from his coffee again. Chad’s words from last night ran through my mind. “So that’s why you cancelled all your appointments yesterday and today?” I started shaking my head. I didn’t wait for his response since I already knew the answer. I jumped to my feet unable to sit there calmly after a bomb like that. “You fucking talked to him Noah, and kept it from me!”
“Damn straight I did.” He said so matter of fact.
I stood and started pacing the length of the large porch unable to sit beside him. “You don’t think I would have backed you? You do this shit by yourself Noah, you always have and then it fucks with your head to the point that you stoop so low that you shove a fucking needle in your arm!” I was furious and screaming at him.
Noah jumped from his spot on the swing so we stood face to face. “Why the fuck do both of us need to see that fucker and have him get in our heads? What do you think he would do if he saw you, Carrie?” He combed his fingers through his hair in aggravation, pulling at the strands.
“Probably smirk and toy with my head a little, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Fuck, Noah, I could have been there for you and kept you from dropping damn near a grand to keep yourself numb for a fucking day! There is nothing he can do to me Noah that he hasn’t done before!” I gripped his shoulders forcing him to look at me and face how fucking stupid he was being.
He pushed my hands from his shoulders and looked at me as if I had grown two heads. “You think that because we’re adults that he couldn’t hurt you? Carrie, he could easily put a gun to my head and finish that final promise.” He lowered his voice and stepped close now gripping my shoulders. “He could overpower you so easily Carrie, and you’re a woman now and a drop dead beautiful one at that. I can’t fucking stomach what seeing you would do to him.” He dropped his head, shaking it slowly. “Fuck, let alone what I know he would do to you, Carrie. You know what he would do, so don’t make me say it.”
My stomach revolts at the thought and I start shaking. Knowing that a panic attack will solve nothing, I take my seat on the swing and burry my head in my hands. “Well, he has something up his sleeve, Noah. We need to get out of here.”
He took the seat beside me. “I ain’t fucking running, Carrie. I swallowed my pride and ran when you were a kid, but not now. I’ll kill him first.”
“And end up in prison. He’s a fucking cop, Noah, we can’t beat that and you know it.” My mind was racing with thoughts of him forcing us out of The Joint and Seth and Lilly suffering for it. “I’ll tell the truth, Noah. I’ll tell it all, every time he touched me, and I’ll send him away forever before I’ll let you do something stupid.”
“You won’t do shit, Carrie. He knows what I have on him, he won’t fuck with us. He knows that if he so much as bats a eyelash in our direction that I’ll drag this shit through every newspaper, TV station, and internet site until he blows his own head off.”
“He knows where we live, Noah. All he has to do is get in here and steal your proof and kill us in the process.” We knew this day would come, and this was the same fight we had every time we talked about it. We knew we would have to face him again when we signed for ownership of The Joint. I was a chicken shit when it came to Cody Becket. I wanted to go to his Lieutenant and tell the truth. I had always suspected he was raping other women. I swore I could smell them on him. Cody Becket was a bully, and I knew he would use his status within the department to use and abuse women. I also knew that if we pressed charges and showed the proof of his abuse, we could be free.
But Noah was scared that the state would step in and separate us; said he wasn’t sure how deep dad’s connections went. He said that our dad would have made sure we were separated just to hurt us. He questioned my ability to handle a trial where they would rehash every single touch, every hit, every threat, all the while judging me. Noah knew I couldn’t handle that back then. I could handle it now though, and that was why we were once again back at the same argument.
“Seth and Lilly know and I’ll let the guys know to stick close. They know he was violent and that we fled from him. That’s all they know, Carrie, feel me?”
I nodded. “Yeah, because that’s something I want my new kind of boyfriend to know.” I said sarcastically. No, I was taking my past to my grave.
He nodded again; he understood where I was coming from. “Well, I’ll make sure that they know to stick close until after the meeting. Make fucking sure you are never alone, Carrie. You go to Seth and Lilly’s, or Candy’s, or something, but safety in numbers.” He turned to me and drilled that determined stare into me. “I’ll be sticking to the same rules, Carrie. I don’t have a death wish and that sadistic fuck would definitely kill me if he got the chance.”
“Jesus, Noah, sometimes I think it’s never gonna end.”
“It will end baby girl if I have to put him down myself. Don’t lose sleep over this. No one from back home knows we’re in Gig Harbor, and we aren’t listed. He could find us easily enough, but his ass knows I’ll fucking bury him. By the time we sign this shit, he’ll be running back home.”
“How do you know, Noah? How can you be sure he won’t try to kill us or mess with us?” Noah always knew more than he let on, but something told me he was hiding something.
“After I bashed his face in, I held a gun to his head and told him he better sign and run. Then I told him I had a guy waiting to mail that box I have to his boss if I don’t check in or should come up missing. That guy is Bobby. He knows I mean business, Sissy.”
I nodded, feeling a little bit more at ease, hopeful that our dad feared Noah enough to keep his distance. Funny how bullies went running scared once their victims were able to defend themselves.
I was finishing my coffee and standing to go inside to get ready for the show. “Did Chad tell you I called in?”
“Yeah.” I struggled getting the answer out because I knew what he was going to ask me next.
“So he knows about the binge last night?” He snarled and the look of betrayal on his beautiful face made me feel like shit. He stood from the swing and came to stand facing me in the doorway. “Where’s the trust, sis?” He asked snidely.
“I’m sorry, Noah.” I was nervous, worried that any little thing might send him back ups
tairs for the needle. “Look, Chad came by last night after I saw you leaving the bathroom. I was upset and had gone out to sleep in the boathouse.” I started combing my hair with my fingers and could feel the guilt coming on strong.
Noah’s eyes darkened at my words and I quickly realized I just made the situation ten times worse. “Are you telling me that Chad fucking Blake came to…what…console you?” He roared and I flinched and backed into the doorframe. He immediately softened his features. “Sorry, Sissy…” He tried to calm his voice, but I could hear the anger loud and clear.
“We didn’t do anything, Noah. We fell asleep after he let me cry it out. Like it would matter anyway! Damn, this is my house too, and I am an adult.” I whined. I might have even stomped my foot.
“So now Chad, and most likely the whole band, all know I fucked up last night, and then to top it off, he creeps in and slides in bed with you so you could cry it out?” I swear to God, he actually made air quotes with his fingers when he said ‘cry it out’.
Seriously, he could drop the attitude any day.
“Yeah, Noah, that’s exactly what happened.” I said, my tone every bit as sarcastic as his.
Noah rubbed his face in his hands and moaned as if in pain. “God, Carrie how can you be this naive?” And then he laughed.
Oh. Hell. No!
“Are you seriously implying that it was anything else? Jesus, Noah, we haven’t even kissed yet!” I clamped my hand over my mouth. When I said it, I didn’t know it would embarrass me so much.
He saw the look of humiliation before I could hide my embarrassment. And then he laughed again. “Holy shit, you actually want him to take advantage of you!” It was an accusation and he knew laughing at me would piss me off even more.
I love my brother, I do, and I know he would rather bite his own tongue than say something out of anger that would hurt me. However… we were brother and sister and if we knew we could get a rise out of the other, we rarely passed on the opportunity.
“Shut up! I do not want to be taken advantage of.” The blush in my cheeks could have rivaled the damn sunset I was so red.
He was laughing and every time he looked at me he laughed harder. “Do you have any idea Carrie, any at all, how many mouths Chad Blake’s tongue has been in?” He spoke through his laughter, but at the sight of my horrified face, he started up all over again. “Don’t even think about what his dick has been in. Hell, his tongue has been in those spots too!”
“God, you’re so gross, Noah. Yes, I am aware of the Chad Blake make-out-a-thon, but sadly I am not in the lineup.”
“Well, thank God baby girl, because I couldn’t stand knowing that my best friend was defiling my sister.” Though he was still laughing, there was a hint of threat in his voice.
“Noah, I am not looking for a quickie, or to be one in the million or more that he has been with. I do however, like him, Noah. A lot. And I think he likes me too.” Jesus, last night and this morning I felt like he was respecting me, not building me up or playing some game.
“I don’t question if he likes you, Sissy. I know he does. Chad Blake doesn’t need an invitation, the women he sleeps with beg for it. The fact he’s taking the time to get to know you, makes me happy. All day at the shop he’s on that damn phone and it’s you he is talkin’ about. I just don’t want you to read more into it than there is. There is no way that you could process the sexual shit that Chad has gotten into.” He had become serious and pulled me into his arms. “You have never been with someone intimately who would take it easy, and love on you and never hurt you. I don’t want you to confuse what normal sexual attraction is for love and wind up hurt.”
He just spoke my deepest fears out loud. It was a testament to how profoundly we knew each other and how strong our bond was. At the risk of him tearing into me, I confided in him like I always do. “Noah, just because my sexual history is tainted and fucked up, doesn’t mean that I don’t desire a physical bond.” When I saw him cringe I hurried along, forcing him to listen. “You have to accept that I am an adult and not an imbecile. I want to experience this without a constant reminder of what Dad did and what he took from me. You have to accept that I may experience it all with Chad, and I may not. Either way, it’s my decision.”
“Just promise me that when you let someone love you that way, that they deserve you and that gift.”
I laughed uncomfortably. “Noah, I’m not a virgin. I don’t have a gift to give a guy, but I promise to be careful and protective of my heart and my body.”
“No, Carrie.” He said and pulled back to grip my shoulders and look me in the eye. “You may not be a virgin sexually, but you never gave yourself to someone willingly, you never let them have you as the gift. That gift is worth way more than some small piece of skin that rips in a split second.”
God, he was kind of gross, in a sweet, protective sort of way.
“God your blunt, Noah. I get it, ok? I won’t be stupid. Now can we please get ready for your gig? You have a meeting and practice and I need to look amazing because I am seeing you and Chad in all your awesomeness for the first time tonight.” I was excited about tonight. There was so much shit going on in our lives right now, I just wanted to live tonight and enjoy it.
“You know what to expect tonight, right?” He asked me, his eyes told me he was serious.
Oh god, he wasn’t done with big brother lectures.
“Meaning?”
“Meaning the girls that will be all over Chad like flies on shit.” He was serious and wasn’t pulling any punches with me. He knew better than anyone how sexually charged it was to be in a band.
“Honestly no, but I like Chad, and I trust all of you guys, so I will be open minded and hope it’s not as bad as I think it will be.”
He laughed. “Let me know how that works out for you.” He said and walked away without another word on the subject.
Chad
Once I am at the shop and getting my day going, I block out the last two hours of my schedule so I had time to confront Noah. A blindside was the only way we could do this. Noah is smart and knows how to placate us. He did it before when he was using heavily.
I decide to text him that we need an urgent meeting as the ban.
We need to talk. This is urgent. Meet at practice an hour early. Not negotiable.
I sent the text to the guys knowing I needed to get to the bottom of this shit. Noah was the last to respond.
I know Carrie told you. I am headed to a meeting then the studio for two tats. We will need to talk after practice or after the show.
God dammit!
I asked Carrie to let me handle it, but loyal to the end she gives him a heads up. I know I can’t interfere with their bond, but we need to trust each other. She needs to trust me, and I know that’s a big deal to her, but I deserve the same.
I wish you hadn’t told Noah you told me. As a band we had the right to confront it without him having a plan. We see the addiction differently and I know you know why he does this shit, we don’t.
Her response was quick.
He knew you were here and accused me of having sex with you. I explained why we were in the boathouse. I wasn’t trying to give him a head start.
I understand that. It is what it is, I just wish I could prove that you could trust me.
I don’t get a response for a while and right before I leave the studio it comes through.
You are right. I will try to be more forthcoming. What we went through…
I read the message and wait for the rest because I know she is struggling. Then it comes through.
What we went through isn’t something I’m ready to talk about just yet. There are unbelievably bad things in our past and it affected us both in different ways. I will try to help you understand more. I’m sorry Chad. But give me time to process what I need to share.
I read the message a few times wishing I knew more but understanding that things that hurt are hard to throw out there. Obviously, it makes sense it w
as bad based on they way the move in sync let alone their bond.
Realizing that it is okay to have an issue arise between us and work through it, might be my most adult thing ever.
I am always here for you guys. This is me as your man and me as his friend, both your friend. No matter what happens between us Carrie, understand it is separate from the bond we all share. We are always here for you both. It goes beyond friendship and the band. We are family.
Not wanting it to go further, I sent another to remind her she was still mine.
Now, stop chewing your bottom lip wondering what to make of what I just said. Accept it and go get your fine ass ready to see me play babe.
I finish up with my clients for the day and check out of the shop. I was booked for the day and didn’t have time to check in with Noah, but once in my truck my phone lights up with Noah’s number. I take a deep breath before I have to deal with him. I would give dude a kidney but I won’t give him the time of day to give me his excuses for this shit either.
“Hey.” I say and turn left on main headed to my house to shower and head to the warehouse.
“I’m gonna be a few minutes late to practice. Wanna talk after or what?” He didn’t sound annoyed, it is possible this was some dumb shit and he knew it. I hoped so, I hope this wasn’t the calm before the storm.
“That’s fine. I’m haulin’ ass to get there on time too.” I want to ask him why, just why? But it isn’t the time. He must have picked up something in my tone though.
“Bro, I get it I do. What I did was fucked up on every level. I went to a meeting and I got my feet back under me. I want…”
