TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  “The fuck is wrong with you?” Noah roars and tries to charge me against Bobby’s hold.

  “She didn’t forgive me. She turned me into nothing, like I was nothing. What we had, NOTHING!”

  Noah fights against Bobby to get free, who finally lets him. “You want your ass kicked, go ahead.” He says as he and Drake leave us be, closing his curtain on their way. Like people wouldn’t hear us.

  “If she didn’t forgive you, then it is what it is. I’m in the doghouse too and could blame it on your ass, but I was there so I hold my own. You can’t reason with Carrie, that’s on you.” He says and like a blueprint, hits me in the same spot on my jaw as I did him.

  “Feel better?” I ask and laugh without humor. I may hate him.

  “I owe you about fifty more, but for now I’m golden.”

  “You did this.” I say between breaths as I stare him down, my anger making unrecognizable I’m sure.

  “She will get over it, but you and I?” He looks at me but says nothing more.

  “You and I what? I’m done Noah. I did right by her, I did right by you, and you caused problems the entire time because you couldn’t handle it. I thought we were finally on the same page, but you knew damn well she would never forgive me, especially after I didn’t tell her. You did this shit to keep the control you desperately need to survive. I never thought you wouldn’t have my back. I listened to you, trusted that you knew what was best. You talk a big game on trust but don’t get the concept of it outside of your own shit until it’s too late.”

  “Are you fucking high?” He asks me, his voice still calm and it only pisses me off more. Fighting with someone like Noah is impossible, he’s been through too much to let anything get to him.

  “No, that’s your thing not mine. What I am is devoted to the notion that you are beyond fucked up.” I was breathing heavy and wanted to kill him. I knew I was irrational and that the minute I calmed down maybe I’d see it all differently, maybe not. “I'm out of here.” I say and leave the booth before looking at Bobby. “Consider this my notice.” And I left the Needle.

  *

  Carrie

  Candy and Noah ended up being my ride home from the hospital. I called Candy the minute I left the bathroom bawling my eyes out. Nurse Brenda came in and loaded me full of drugs because my crying fit had seriously caused pain in my ribs and stomach as well as the monster headache, I was fighting to be free from.

  “What the fuck Carrie?” Noah demanded the minute he walked into the room, not bothering to look at me as he hauled my few bags in his hands and then left the room.

  Clearly, he was pissed at me, but why was beyond me. I followed a scowling Candy out of the room, her eyes were pinned on Noah’s retreating back.

  “What is he so pissed about?” I ask my eyes now bearing down on him as he flirts with Brenda sweetly saying his thanks for taking care of me. “I didn’t ask him to drop everything and come get me.”

  “That’s not it Cares. Chad showed up at the shop and laid into Noah.”

  “What?” I gasp and stop walking turning to look at her, the girl with all the answers.

  She nods and sighs. “He railed on Noah telling him all this shit was his fault. He said that he blamed him for telling him to tell you after the tour, that Noah always knew what was best for you and Chad wanted to do right by you. He told Noah that he never thought he wouldn’t have his back but that he was wrong. He thinks Noah told him to wait in telling you knowing you would dump Chad since Noah was never on board with you guys dating in the first place. It was bad Cares. They both took punches until Bobby and Deal broke them up.”

  Noah had been the one telling me over and over, calming me when it came to Chad that night. He was defiantly not the type of guy who would pull shady to break us up. It pissed me off that Chad would accuse him. “Well Chad still fucked her, regardless if he stopped her, he put himself in that situation knowing she was on that bus, desperate to get with him and I was far fucking away.”

  Candy pulled me into a hug. “I’m not defending what happened Carrie, but I don’t think he went into it knowing what was going on. Chad was a serious whore before you came along Carrie and seriously, he probably woke up to sex more often than not. That being said, yeah, he put himself in the situation, but he stopped. He threw her across the bunk rooms, and she landed hard. Once he knew who it was, he stopped. Don’t you think that might be innocent in any way?”

  I started walking with nothing more than a shrug because I had done nothing but think about all of this, what I knew and what I didn’t since the day I woke up. I missed him, felt broken without him but I can’t get over the fact he made love to me, completely naked, skin on skin, soul to soul and heart to heart, knowing what happened.

  I said nothing as I got in the car and nothing when Noah got in the driver seat and slammed the door. Noah had a seriously bad ass 66’ Camaro complete with 427 Big Block engine and dual exhaust. It was a man’s car and this man loved it second only to me. However, he was scowling not bothering to look at Candy or me. I had chosen the backseat so I could stretch out and Candy was sitting shotgun looking out the window.

  “Noah.” I said sweetly hoping to get his side of the story. His cobalt blue stare met me in the rearview mirror and then the car was filled with the blasting tunes of Alice In Chains ‘Down in a Hole’. It was a rude and affective way to tell me he wasn’t talking.

  Fine by me I love Alice in Chains. I closed my eyes and let the lyrics wash over me.

  Down in a hole and they’ve put all

  The stones in their place

  I’ve eaten the sun so my tongue

  Has been burned of the taste

  I have been guilty

  Of kicking myself in the teeth

  I will speak no more

  Of my feelings beneath.

  Yeah that about summed it up.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Chad

  3 weeks later

  Two weeks. It had been two weeks since I lost Carrie, two weeks since I lost my mind on Noah too. It was also the end of my last hour at the studio. I debated quitting or staying after the fight, but ultimately, I was almost twenty-five and needed more in the event we didn’t go big. I had spent my time buried in new material for the band and new art as I looked for a shop that would be mine.

  After news of our mini tour with the Sinners though, word on the street was that a lot of labels were looking our way. So, I was on my way to meet with Noah at the request of Shamus and Cal. We needed to be able to show a united front if we had a shot in hell.

  I agreed we needed to get beyond it, we were both irreplaceable in terms of the band. If I’m honest though, I missed my closest friend.

  I pulled into A Bar Named Sue and looked around, seeing Cal’s jeep but no Shame or Noah yet. I make my way inside and find Cal. I order a beer from the waitress as we wait.

  I drink my beer and think while Cal hits on the cocktail waitress. The whole thing depresses me though. I don’t want that life anymore, but the life I want won’t even answer my fucking calls. I lay in bed every night thinking about the million ways I could have done shit differently. Gramps knew something was up, the guys knew I was fucked up, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. I didn’t want to face that I had lost her.

  “Hey!” Cal says and I look up from my beer mug to see everyone is here.

  “Sorry.” I say and scoot in the booth and wait for the guys to get their order. Once we all have beers Cal morphs into the Boss of us all, as usual when it come to the band.

  “What are the chances of me saying we all call bygones, bygones and shake on it so we can move on?”

  I stare at him without an answer. So does Noah.

  “A stalemate then?” Shane questions us both.

  I roll the bottom of my beer on the table but say nothing.

  Noah says nothing.

  “Then it is what it is. I love this band and we can make it so if I gotta be the one to start so be i
t.” Cal pushes his beer back and steeples his fingers before going at us both.

  “Chad, what happened was awful. It put Carrie in a headspace none of us can understand, let alone try to. That all coming on the end of Trisha’s bullshit is what caused the break-up. Not Noah.”

  That has me looking up at him. “I know.” I admit, shocking Cal…maybe all of them as they look at me now.

  “I know what I did. I know how I handled it. I know who I blamed, but it was all on me. I put myself in the position. I am pissed that I fought like I did. That all my shit including my name was drug through the fucking mud. I'm pissed that all the good was forgotten by one thing, one mistake.”

  “Look,” Noah says, and I look at him. “I gave the wrong advice. I didn’t know she was going to have a run in with Cody while we were gone. The night of trust me changed shit and I should have said something, but I honestly had enough on my plate. So, I am a little to blame.”

  Figuring that was good enough, I nod, and we fist bump and I assumed we would leave it at that.

  “What I didn’t account for was Carrie’s trust issues. What I mean by that is I don’t think she knows how to see the forest for its tree’s. Face value is all she sees. No layers, no adventure. She is stuck in this little world that she feels safe in. Outside of it, the shit that’s a surprise and what we all grow from, buries her deeper. I thought she was growing and coming out of it, I didn’t know how long term everything from that night would affect her.”

  I look at him, confused and concerned. “Meaning?”

  “She’s just digging her heels in. With everything. Nose buried in her books and schools not for another two weeks. She just wanders around in her pajamas and cries a lot. Not just over you.” He says and looks to me. “All of it. I think Carrie will finally see the fucking forest after she heals a bit.”

  I nod completely understanding the amount of shit she had to process, I just wish I could be there for her.

  “Look, this entire thing is a nightmare I can’t fathom.” Cal says and then drinks from his beer. “I think that we can all do our part here to keep our heads level. Noah, you know we are here for you both, thick and thin.”

  He nods but says nothing.

  “Can we bury the hatchet and get back to being East of awesome?”

  We all kind of laugh at his saying that means we are bigger than awesome, and we agree. I guess for now, we are where we need to be.

  One week after that meeting…

  We took the stage at A Bar named Sue that following week. I played two new songs, both about Carrie but the crowd was none the wiser. But they did bring the house down and the place was already packed. Once we were off stage, I saw Cal talking with Tayla Livingston, the PR rep we met when we toured with the Sinners. With TAT so heavy in the news lately, with Cody Beckett, the rave reviews from the eight-day tour had Heshan Aggression records desperate for us to be the new ‘It Thing’ as Tayla called it.

  Once Cal’s dad looked it over and we gave our terms under his advice, it was done. We record next week, and we leave on a Midwest tour headlining for Sinners of the Slipstream in just shy of three months.

  I knew the only person I wanted to tell, and she ignored my call and sent me to the unchecked and ignored world of voicemail. “Hey, you probably already know but we were signed tonight. We did its Carrie girl… I miss you and love you and even if you don’t answer I had to tell you first…”

  I end the call and make a toast with the guys and Cal’s dad with a fifty-seven-year-old bottle of Scotch that tasted like shit. This was the biggest moment of my life and I sat here ready to fall apart as everyone cheered.

  “Your excitement is killing the party.” Noah says from behind me. I lean back and laugh even though I didn’t feel it.

  “Sorry man. I have a lot on my mind.” I stroke the etched glass in the glass in my hand absentmindedly as he stares at me.

  “Thinking on leaving Harvey or Carrie?” He asks knowingly.

  “Both I guess. Gramps will be good though; he has always wanted this for me. Carrie… she sent me to voicemail per usual.” I lean forward and drink the rest of the Scotch before setting my glass down.

  Noah said nothing, just nodded. For us to be civil, we didn’t get deep. It seemed to work and honestly, I needed to get through this on my own before I ruined everyone’s future.

  “I'm gonna head out.” I say to the guys and try to reach the level of enthusiasm they need me to have but fail miserably.

  “We start early tomorrow so we are ready for the studio Monday.” Cal says and I smile nodding.

  “I know dude, chill the fuck out.”

  “He could do it blind and deaf.” Shamus says and high fives me.

  “See you in the morning guys.” I say and make my way out to my truck. I don’t go home though.

  I drive around town aimlessly and think about leaving this place. I think about all it brought us. We were always the golden boys of Gig Harbor and now we are leaving to be small fish in a fucking huge ass pond.

  I have to leave her behind; I know that but it’s the worst kind of torture. I have loved before. Gramps, the guys, music, art… but she consumed me. The thought of never again steals my breath and takes me to my knees. I want to rage; I want to talk to her and demand she listen and wake the fuck up. I want to cry at her feet and beg for one more chance. I want to know how she can live without me, because I can’t stomach life without her.

  I wanted things with Carrie I never knew I wanted. Kids, house, marriage, dogs, grandkids… I wanted to be the guy holding her in her nineties surrounded by the huge family we built as she said her last goodbye.

  Forever.

  She is my forever and what a shitty existence it will be.

  I can’t accept it though. Not yet. I pull over to catch my breath unaware that I drove to her house. Like a fucking stalker I came here without thought or reason. Not wanting to be caught I flip a bitch and head back home feeling like I lost everything, including my mind.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Carrie

  After sending all his calls to voicemail and deleting every text he sent without reading them he must have decided he would battle me face to face. It had been a month since we split. I spent most of that time crying or working. A lot of teary calls to Candy who in turn cried to me. We were both heartbroken and lonely and anxious to get back to school.

  The knock on the door didn’t faze me because it was one of three people, Cassa, Candy or Shame who were dropping by like crazy since my assault.

  I opened the door to see Chad, green eyes rimmed red with dark circles underneath. He looked like I felt and just the sight of him almost broke me. “Hi.” I said nervously tucking my hair behind my ears and wishing I was wearing something nicer… like a burlap sack perhaps? I was in my tattered yoga pants that were a very faded black as well as an old slave to the needle shirt from when Noah first started. Chad looked divine in worn distressed jeans and a long-sleeved hoodie (hood over his head because he needed to be sexier?) sporting the Slave to the needle emblem of a machine sweating out ink.

  “I tried to get you on the phone, over text.” He didn’t say anything else though and stepped inside nervously and nodded to Noah who was watching a marathon of Ink Master on Spike. Once he saw Chad though he cursed, paused the show, and bailed from the room heading for his room.

  “Well one would think that meant you were wasting your time.” I knew I sounded snide and flippant but he deserved my anger, even if he didn’t cheat on me in the most basic sense, I was pissed he covered it, slept with me bare and I didn’t think he ever had the intention of telling me.

  “Fuck!” He bellowed and I flinched at the sound he made, then hunched from the shooting pain through my ribs. His voice softened marginally when he saw the flinch actually hurt me, but even calming down his voice was still angry. “Carrie just be civil for a fucking second. Please.”

  “I can be civil. Can you?” I leveled my stare on him and he knew
I was referring to his outburst just seconds before.

  “I am dying inside Carrie.”

  Oh God! His voice was broken and his face… oh God his face was full of so much pain. I wanted to beg him to stop! Leave! Don’t do this to us! We are so broken already. This is just shuffling the pieces so we can never find them again.

  “I’m so fucking lost without you I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, or tattoo. All I do is sit in the house with Gramps downstairs making out with old ladies while I write song after song about you wishing like fuck I could go back in time.”

  “We would still be here Chad. One day you will leave for a lot of more than eight days. I am heading back to school in two weeks. This thing between us was really bad timing and too many secrets between us.” I wasn’t making excuses this time; I was being realistic, and we never would have worked.

  “Baby we don’t have secrets anymore. I told you everything. I haven’t seen or talked to a fangirl and I have dropped all my tatterfly clients. I won’t jeopardize anything that could be between us Carrie. I told you once and I meant every word baby. Your it, my all my everything.”

  My anger was peaking. It was like a sick joke the way he could pull me in and twist me up inside. “You.Fucked.Another.Woman! I don’t care if you got off or not. Somewhere down the line between dumping her and dating me, you forgot to draw a line in the sand with Trisha and it got you busted. I don’t think there is another woman on this earth that would take a man back after knowing he fucked someone else and then fucked you. Bareback no less!”

  “You think I wanted this?” He sounds defensive but angry too. He doesn’t deserve to be mad. “You think I don’t know all the ways I should have stopped her from coming around? I fucking know it Carrie, but no matter what happened that night, the minute I was awake and of sound fucking mind, she was toast.”