by Emjay Soren
“Take away the fact that you didn’t sleep with her, do that and answer me this one burning question.” I am seething and trying not to cry though it is taking everything in me.
“Anything.” He answers me without a second’s hesitation.
“You never told me about cheating on Trisha, or that she was in love with you, or that she sang with you guys in fucking ballads no less. You never told me you almost knocked up a fangirl. Nothing! I feel like a fool Chad. All those times Noah tried warning me off but never saying a word because he was loyal to us both. Everyone knew your secrets and kept them from me. I came clean to you about mine. I may have left out the details for your benefit, but you knew my darkest place, you saw it clear as day in Seattle. You took me to bed promising forever, condom free damn well aware you were inside another woman just nights before. So, answer me, were you bareback in her too?”
That last part believes it or not had just occurred to me as I was ranting, now it was like the weight of the world waiting on the answer. That answer came in the form of him shaking his head yes. I wasn’t holding back anymore. My tears exploded from my eyes at his silent confession, my stomach rolling unaware of what she might have given him and in turn given me. I knew I was clean; I was going to be tested for the next six months just to ensure while I was passed out my dad didn’t do something he failed to admit. Knowing he took me condom free after he had been inside her, made me sick.
“Carrie”-
No!” I am shaking my head, bawling, and crumbling before him. “Do you know what it’s like for me every time I think of that night? I see her on top of you, as all the times I had done the same thing. I feel your hand at the small of my back, you telling me to come for you. I see you above me calling me baby just seconds before your lips descend to mine and we climax together. I think of how you pepper kisses along my jaw and lick my neck and when I think these things, I see you doing them to her, and it kills me!” I scream the last part through my tears, my eyes squeezing shut because I can’t handle the look on his face.
I have never once seen Chad drop a tear. I have wondered from time to time if he had been overwhelmed by emotion, but his face had been hidden from me and I never knew for certain. With my words before, the effect was clear in his shining green eyes and wet cheeks. He was fighting looking at me, looking anywhere to keep me from seeing his tears, as if this was the weakness, he needed to hide from me.
“You don’t get the right to look away from my sobbing Chad.” I step towards him and cup his face in my hands. His head is back, and he is looking at the ceiling blinking rapidly and his tears infuriate me. “You need to see what you have done to us. I never lied Chad, I always came to you and no matter how bad it sucked, I told you the truth. You promised I could trust you, knowing how deep that one word is to me. That trust means more in my life than any other, a small four-letter word with such an intense definition. You broke it, broke us and there is no forgiveness for this sort of thing. We were a fling Chad, no matter how much I love you or you love me, we are and will always only ever be a fling.”
When I admitted to loving him, acknowledged his loving me, he finally looked at me and I felt a knife-like pain slice my chest. I no longer felt pain in an emotional sense with Chad, it was all physical how deep I hurt.
“You can’t leave me baby, not like this.” His tears were falling, devastating me all while he shook his head no in defense.
But the words were simple enough to say regardless how deep it hurt. “I’m not leaving Chad. You lost me and there is a distinct difference.”
Chad
I made it home, but barely. Everything inside of me was broken and beat. Any question I had where a future with Carrie was concerned was abolished. I got in the house and went to the kitchen to pour the biggest glass of liquor I could find. I had to get through this. I officially had the world breathing down my neck for perfection and here I was shattered.
I gulped the vodka and poured another glass doing the same. I needed to be numb right now. I never understood the desire to feel nothing until this second. I also never had an ounce of respect for my dad. He killed himself after my mom died and I may not agree with it or ever do the same, but I get it. If he felt half of what I feel now it was something I could understand.
I'm stronger than Louis Blake ever could be and that’s the only difference between my dad and me. I would find the way to rebuild my life. I might even be happy one day with another woman. Carrie would always be around, this music deal made sure of it. Maybe that’s my penance? To live the rest of my days knowing how bad I fucked up.
I didn’t go looking for ass. I wasn’t even nice to Trisha I wouldn’t risk anything with Carrie for her. But she was right in the end. I didn’t draw a line in the sand. I’m Chad Blake and with that title I didn’t need to make rules or live by someone’s code. I would fuck who I wanted and walk away without regret. I told myself that the women knew what and who I was. That they came willingly knowing I would only ever fuck them. Them knowing that made me feel superior to how I treated women. I never hurt them or mistreated them, but I used them and let them use me. Because of that there were no boundaries in place when I started dating Carrie.
I think about the fangirls at the show, the first one Carrie saw. How they spoke and treated her. I didn’t do anything; Noah came to her rescue and I assumed the serenade would be enough. It wasn’t drawing a line, it just told them she was there for the time being.
The fangirls in her head at the first after party. Fangirls who again, caused a huge problem one that Noah tried to protect her from. Not me, but Noah. Noah who fought to keep her from me and…fuck I see why now.
“Hey boy?” Gramps says as he walks in the back door and see’s me sitting with the almost empty bottle of Smirnoff.
I raise my glass but don’t make eye contact. I am scared to. I don’t ever want to see in Gramps eyes what I saw in Carries. He sets his lunch box and keys on the counter before he comes to sit beside me.
“Give me the bottle boy.” He says to me, his heavy hand on my shoulder a comfort I could never explain. I lift the bottle, pour more in the glass and he lets me, taking it only after I filled it up.
“Tell me what happened.” He pours himself a drink, mixing his with lime and soda water.
I pick at the wood on the table and wonder how to begin. I hate knowing he will be disappointed in me. He deserves the truth though and I know that. I tell him everything, From the night with Trisha on the bus, to keeping it quiet until after the tour. I told him what he already knew about Carrie and Noah courtesy of the news. I told him about today.
“It’s all destroyed Gramps. There’s nothing to salvage, I’ve tried.”
He takes a long swig of his cocktail and sits back. “Well, who says what can be salvaged? Maybe the trust is destroyed so it feels like it will never be salvaged, but I have seen it enough in my life to know there is always hope.”
I nod as I drink more. “I want to be numb.”
“Thing with numb, is it’s false. Hiding behind a bottle to not feel, when all you have right now is hurt means it will be there tomorrow. Drinking to get away from something that is with you and will be until you face it.”
I feel my tears burn and roll from my lids at his words. I don’t feel weak here with him now. He is the only person I ever truly could rely on in my life. He has loved me since my first breath. He held me after nightmares as a young child, taught me to curse as a shithead kid. Taught me about sex and love and the massive difference between the two.
“I guess it’s time to teach me how to let go Gramps.” I cry and he pulls me to his side, hugs me the way dad’s do their son’s.
“When I lost your gran I never really let go so much as accept it. I haven’t found anything as significant as her since and may never, but I accepted it because I had to in order to go on. You have carved that path Chad. You can make every one of your dreams come true and there is so much power in that. Use it, use the pain and th
e anger to catapult you to the next adventure. Let it heal you until you don’t need to use it anymore. Then, tuck it into your heart and learn from it.”
“She ain’t coming back gramps. I'm poison to her now.”
He shakes his head and looks at me with sad eyes. “ You fucked up, but the intent to hurt was never there. I am here with you now seeing all it’s done to you and you ain’t poison kid. Your young, dumb, and full of cum. Everyone made you invincible while Carrie made you vulnerable. You learned the hard way, but the point is you learned it and won’t do it again.”
“Do you think I cheated, Gramps?” I don’t think I cheated, but I definitely put myself in the situation.
“Not by normal standards and definitions, no. But you did so yeah. You didn’t look for it and I know you never would have gone looking. I know what she means to you. But Carrie hit the nail on the head son, you had no boundaries and set yourself up.”
I dry my eyes and nod knowing he is right. “I wanted so bad for you to tell me I wasn’t wrong.”
“What good am I if I lie to you Chad? You hurt the one woman you changed your life for. You let your ego guide you for so long that you forgot people could be hurt. You want to blame Trisha, and she has fault here, but you gave her the opportunity because you are the untouchable Chad Blake. If you look deep enough, there are a lot of injuries in your wake. You just care about Carries.”
“I feel an inch tall, old man. I get it okay?” I ask, my speech slurred, and I know the effects are hitting me, but the guilt of his words, his truthful words I feel them all.
“I ain’t trying to make ya feel bad. I just want you to see this for what it is. You have all this pain and regret now, but it’s another fork in the road Chad. It’s part of your path and you create the next part. You don’t set loose boundaries again, you don’t lead girls on, you watch your back at all times because the world is full of Trisha’s and they will all be coming for you soon enough.”
“I don’t want Trisha’s… I want cherries and vanilla Gramps.” I smile through wet eyes as I say it.
“Well, I don’t know what that means boy other than you need sleep.” He stood and tried to help me ping pong my drunk ass to my room, where I was out before my head hit the pillow.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chad
I text Trisha last night to meet me at The Joint to discus the songs we had done together.
Carrie was back at school and I had been doing better accepting she was gone. All I could do from here out was unpack the baggage that was leftover between us, between every girl in Gig and me over the years. I wasn’t somebody Carrie could get away from just as she was someone I would always be connected to.
So, I wanted to meet up with Trish and let her know that all the songs we had done were not going to be a part of TAT any longer.
“She dumps you?” She asked me as she sipped from a Styrofoam cup.
I nod and look at her. “We broke up, yes but this has nothing to do with it.”
She eyes me like I have something up my sleeve. “Why then? The songs are awesome, and everyone loves them.”
I take a deep breath and own my shit as best I can. “Because they represent someone I don’t want to be anymore. I wasn’t fair to you Trish.” I sit back from the food I haven’t touched and try to show how sincere I am. “I lead you on and I don’t know if it was the drama or the sex, for whatever reason I made you think and feel that you mattered to me. You didn’t.”
She looks at me like she might kill me, and I realize how it sounded. “I'm sorry for that. I don’t mean it rude or to hurt you. I am saying this because it was never fair to you to be strung along. A lot of people got hurt in the process and I should have been honest. You didn’t deserve the run around I gave you. You deserved the truth and for that I am sorry.”
I can see she is thinking on what I said, feeling around to see if I mean it. I do and I will wait if she needs to say her peace. I will listen and suck it up.
“Thank you.” She says her voice is soft and I know that she never expected that from me. “I'm sorry too. I cared for you and the only time you showed me any attention was if I acted out. When I saw you with her…”?
I nod. “I get it. I hurt you Trish and I’m sorry.”
“I hurt you too and now here you go being all mature and nice. I feel like shit for what happened in Spokane. I saw the news and all of that on top of what I had done. I hope one day I can apologize to her too.”
I chuckle at that. “Yeah well, don’t hold your breath.”
“What brought this all on?” She asked as we were leaving, and I held the door for her.
“I guess I just need a fresh start. We leave this week for the tour. We did the album and I replaced the songs. I guess I wanted you to have them as an olive branch. Remember what they are about and find a guy who is opposite Trish.”
It was hard to face someone you used and hurt, but I felt better after. My treatment of Trisha is why she hurt Carrie purposely. She wanted me to suffer. Point made for sure, but I hate that my bullshit was thrown at the one I love. All I can do now is move on. Will I fuck again? Absolutely. Will I handle it different? Absolutely. Will I get over Carrie and move on?
Not a shot in hell.
Noah and I flew to California together and shared the cab to the rental we had for the tour and off days or interviews. Shame was pissed he didn’t get to move into a place with him and Cassa, but we needed to do as the label said and this was a rental from them. We were under their thumb proving ourselves as a band.
But we walk into the rental to see Cal pacing as Shame lays curled up on the floor in the corner. “What did we miss?” I ask and drop my bags. It’s a two-bedroom house, not a genuinely nice one but there’s still room. I gave up my room and offered to take the couch since one of us was happy so him crying like a bitch in the corner made no sense.
“It ain’t that bad right? What you have to share a twin bed?” Noah teases and I chuckle. Cal looks at us like we are the devil.
“Cassa isn’t here.” Cal explains, poorly and with no sense.
“What do you mean?” I ask and walk toward Shame and realize he is asleep on this makeshift pallet of blankets.
I look to Cal for answers. “Well?”
“He said they broke up. He left her.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chad
Somewhere in Iowa Two months later…
“Did you ever call her or ask what the fuck she was thinking?” I ask Shame who is broken and wasted at the table in our hotel room. We are at the halfway point to the tour and headed to Vegas in three days for Cassa’s wedding.
“No. The way I left…What was the point?” I understood the heartache, but the rest confused the fuck out of me. He looked up at me, eyes red from tears. “You guys really didn’t know she was serious with someone?”
“I knew she met this Corey guy. Carrie and Candy said he was clingy but sweet. I didn’t know they were serious until I got Carrie’s text this morning.” Noah explains. The text Cal and I got wasn’t as specific considering it came from Cassa herself. Noah had the inside track with Carrie.
“She’s pregnant dude. Cassa is no way in love with this guy.” Cal tries to reassure him, but it makes it worse, I think.
I take a seat at the couch and try to reach Carrie. We have had a few texts, all civil and kind since we left. We knew we were forever together through the band and wanted peace. My heart still raced when I saw her face light up my screen, but I kept it cool each time.
Me: Are you sure she wants this? Shame is a fucking mess. We feel like we betray him if we come.
I wait for her response and listen to Shame melt down. “I was always coming back for her. I need to prove the old man wrong and I think we have. Fuck!” He yells and kicks the chair beside him.
My phone vibrates and I look down knowing it’s Carrie.
Carrie: She is hell bent. We think it’s weird but it’s her life. If this is what she want
s I will support, her. I understand you guys feel some type of way, but it’s Cassa and you should be there.
“I know it seems like a dick move for us to go, Shame.” I try, but he cuts me off.
“No, you gotta go. You gotta tell me what her eyes say. You guys know her and…fuck if she is happy, I will let it go.”
I wanted to ask him how. How could he let it go? “Seriously?”
He nods and gulps down another beer. “What would you do? You are still fucked up over Carrie. If you found out she was happy without you and getting …fuck, getting marries-“
I laugh interrupting him. “That shit makes me think postal, but I would stop that fucking wedding. No doubt in my mind.”
“I would too.” Noah says but his is from a place of protector and controller. Mine is from her being mine, always and forever.
“I would accept it one day, but not this soon.” I finally say knowing one day I will be in his shoes.
“I don’t think I belong at this wedding, or any wedding. Cassa is marrying a dude nobody knows because of a one-night stand gone wrong. Why in the fuck aren’t Candy and Carrie on her ass about this? God knows I would be on your asses.” Cal looks miserable and I know the guilt he feels for saying it out loud, but it’s the truth.
I open my phone to my conversation with Carrie. “I just asked Carrie how sure she was Cassa wanted this. Her response is ‘She is hell bent. We think it’s weird but it’s her life. If this is what she wants I will support, her. I understand you guys feel some type of way, but it’s Cassa and you should be there.’ I agree and disagree.”
Shame buries his head in his hands, and I know he is crying, I get it. Been there enough times to know the sorrow that comes with a final ending. I clasp him on the shoulder as Cal does the same to the other. Noah kneels in front of him and we just let him get it out.
