by Emjay Soren
I guess we are going to Vegas.
The wedding was beautiful. We gathered in a small chapel, one of the many in Las Vegas. Corey seemed okay, a little on the nerd side maybe. I couldn’t pinpoint what bugged me about him, other than the fact he was the polar opposite of Shamus fucking James.
“Well?” Noah says from beside me, Cal behind him as he hands me a beer.
“She’s a gorgeous bride.” Is all I say doing my best to not let my eyes wander on Carrie who is sitting next to Cass. They agreed as we talked quietly in the corner of the small reception held at the Stratosphere restaurant.
“He’s a fucking nerd.” Cal says and drinks from his Corona.
We laugh quietly because it’s true. “All the dudes she dated before Shame were cooler than this dude. He fucking paws at her too, look at him.” Cal directs our attention and we watch as he doesn’t move his hand from her at any point.
“Maybe it’s love.” I say with a shrug, even though I doubt it.
“He’s a Band-Aid.” Noah says and we all agree.
“She will see it in time, and if not…” I shrug. “Maybe we are wrong.”
“You aren’t.” Candy says from behind me before smacking my ass. I hug her, not having a lot of time to really say hello in all chaos of a wedding.
“Not a fan?” Noah asks before kissing her on the lips. I'm glad they found their way back to one another after Carrie and me broke-up.
“I'm a fan of you.” He says leaning in to kiss her and we all know they won’t give shits and fuck right here, audience or no.
“Ugh, stop already.” Carrie says and my heart stops at the sound. She looks at me, a shy smile and an awkward hug that feels like a stab in the chest.
“How are you?” I ask.
She nods, looking anywhere but at me. “Good. Happy for Cassa.”
“Oh bullshit, Carrie.” Candy says and laughs out loud. “We can’t stand him; he is nothing like us. He’s a Doctor and a fucking snob with zero personality.”
I look at her glossy eyes and red cheeks. “You drunk?” I ask and Candy laughs shaking her head no.
“Tell us how you really feel.” Carrie says, but motions so we all know she has been drinking.
“Well, she only married him because she won’t go after Shamus.”
We all look at her confused. “Has she wanted to?” Cal asks, his mind working a mile a minute.
Candy shakes her head no. “No, well maybe but he drove a stake through that balloon when he left her alone with a shitty note as comfort. I hope Shame regrets it every day he is alive.”
I think to our drive to Vegas from Gig this weekend, how Shame stopped traffic for flipping out knowing we were going to the wedding in a show of support. The support was for him, he wanted us there proving he made the right choice when we all know he didn’t.
It’s sad how we all pretend together in some silent agreement that we are loyal. “Sad how we pretend isn’t it?” I ask Candy but my eyes are on Carrie. “Cassa marries some random one nighter and we all come and smile like fucking lemmings at the wedding, knowing, we will go to the hotel tonight to scrape a drunk and broken Shame off the floor again.”
I know they agree, I know I am right. “Just like we all pretend we are friends, right Carrie?”
“Chad, not here.” She says and I laugh at her concern.
“Well, where then? Because this is our future babe. You marry someone beneath you and ill end up with someone random beneath me each night. Welcome to our future.” I don’t wait for responses. “I'm going to check on Shame.”
Carrie tugs on my arm to stop me from leaving, both Noah and Cal leaving with me. How’s that for drawing a line in the sand? “This isn’t about anything but support.”
I pull my arm from her grip, missing her heat but I had to prove a point. I lean in close so only she hears me. “I know my future and this shitshow isn’t it. Ill be on a floor with bottles around me passed the fuck out and alone forever before I ever vow to love another to curb the loneliness. I am not about charades Carrie, I’m as real as they get, and this is wrong.”
I turn and walk away because my point was made, and I didn’t even know I was going to prove one tonight. We wait to say our goodbye’s to Cassa, and I watch her husband close. I see he only smiles when she is watching, but scowls at the crowd and it sends chills down my back.
“Corey, this is Cal Dorian, Chad Blake and Noah Beckett. They are friends from my childhood. Noah is Carrie’s brother-“
He cut her off with laughter. “I know who they are darling. Glad the drummer didn’t make it if I'm honest.” He says and I want to tell her to come with us to the hotel room, to leave this dude behind because he isn’t…right?
“You should be glad the drummer didn’t make it.” Cal says and I almost laughed.
I slap Cal on the back and lean into kiss Cass on the cheek before looking at Corey. “He means no disrespect, just a friendly warning we come as a pack if you hurt her.”
“Of course.” He says pulling Cassa closer when I lean into her ear.
“Shame is at the hotel. You wanna bail we will take you there and annul this shit.”
She laughs uncomfortably even though I know he didn’t hear me. “Thank you, Chad.” She smiles and doesn’t respond, and I get it. It was a dick move, but I had to remind her who we were and what we know. This was not the guy for her, but ultimately it was her call and she made it.
On our way to our Hotel we walked the strip in silence. We had a few glances from people who maybe recognized us. A few who did and went horns up at us in selfies, but overall, we were nobodies. The next time I saw Carrie, that wouldn’t be the case.
Two months later
Seattle/Gig Harbor
Chad
“I've buried this as far as I could, but nothing is guaranteed.” Tayla explains as we all sit in the smoking area at Lakeview hospital. “We can transfer her to Cedar-Sinai and have better results.”
“She won’t go there; you know she won’t.” Noah says as he watches the door to Cassa’s room.
“Bubba, she will be okay. She has a ton of support around her.” Carrie tries to comfort him, but it’s useless. We are all in shambles when we heard the news that Corey had all but disemboweled Cassa.
We have been in Seattle for a week, burying the news about her attack from every angle. Shame learning the news of this would tank our careers. He would not recover; he would quit and spend his life making up for leaving her.
We hated lying to him, keeping secrets from him, but after the night of her wedding we knew he had to let Cassa go for his mental state alone. Now he just fucked endless groupies and drank a lot.
“We need to agree as one that we hide it as best we can and if it leaks, we deal with the fallout. We need to remember that he made the choice to leave and not explain why. This is no more his fault than it is Cassa’s. I sat with her today and she loathes herself. She is humiliated, distraught and her mental state and needs are at the front of this. Period. He may not get it and he may get it but either way, we do this for Cassa repercussions be damned.” I say, sick of arguing about it. None of us wanted to betray him, but this we had to keep quiet. “When he finds out about it all, because one day he will he needs to know this discussion happened. He needs to know we took care of her to our best ability because in the end that’s what he would want us to do.”
We had this fight daily, in and out on the right thing to do. The right thing being whatever Cassa needed. She can’t deal with the fact Corey mutilated her, damn near eviscerated her. He took any chance she would ever have of children from her. And in it all she worried that Shame would never forgive her.
In between those fights Noah spent time playing trust me with her to bring her back to us. She was a mental case as she should be. Knowing one day we would have to answer to Shame, we wanted to do all we could. Cal couldn’t take it, he threw money at the situation and any legal help we needed his dad was involved, but after seeing her he fell apart and left b
ack to California.
Carrie and Candy always shared time between Noah and I and Mike her brother sat vigil with his wife . Mike was a cool guy, we knew him and his wife Roni well, but Mike was all Cassa had after their parents and brother died. He wasn’t in a headspace to make any decisions.
So, we band together like always and saved who needed saving.
I sit out here alone now thinking about Shame finding out. I have never betrayed one of my guys, not once. Even when I fooled around with one of Cal’s girls back in the day. I always was straight with them. I give my high and mighty speech at Cassa’s wedding about charades and now…fuck we are all in, every single one of us.
My phone lights up and it’s after two in the morning but seeing Shame’s number I answer immediately. “What’s up?”
“You sound like shit.” He sounds sober and no cackling women in the background tells me he’s alone. That’s something.
“Tired. What’s up?” I lean back noticing the empty parking lot by the smoking bench and don’t even know how long I’ve been here.
“I was just checking in. Been laying some beats today and checked out. Saw Cal was back but he’s in a mood.”
Fuck!
“Yeah? I don’t know, haven’t talked to him.”
“Any drama with the ex?” My stomach drops and I don’t know if it’s a trap or if he just has some sick sixth sense.
“What ya mean?” I ask as calm as I can even though a thousand horses just took off in my chest.
“Carrie, stupid. Any drama?”
I breathe out the biggest breath and almost pass out. This shit had better be worth the stress. I'm twenty-five going on eighty this week alone.
“No, I think the days of drama are over. This is the new normal.” This being hand jobs, stress, and tours. There was no fun in my life these days unless I was on stage. That was still priceless.
“Welcome to the club. At least we can have fun with groupies.” The thing with his comment is that he is trying to pick up the shambles he threw his life into. He doesn’t know what is going on under his nose because he would never be flippant about fucking Randoms. He just wants me out slumming with him.
“Speak of the devil.” He says and seconds later I hear the feminine laughter in the background. “Hey, I have company, but we will go out when you guys are back.”
“Yeah man.” I say not really committing but happy to get off the phone.
“Give old Gig my best.” He says and ends the call.
I sit back and scrub my face debating if I should go or stay. I'm exhausted and not needed. Noah took tonight, I have tomorrow night. I text Noah that I am gonna crash at his place tonight. I need to be back in Gig. I don’t want to be in Seattle. I need home and Gramps sold the house and got a condo.
Me: I need out of the city and some quiet. It cool if I crash at your pad.
I hit send and grab my keys from my pocket and head to my truck.
Noah: Yeah, your safe. She is at the apartment with Candy.
Me: Cool.
I appreciate that he knew why I asked. I make my way to Gig in silence thinking of nothing and everything. Usually Carrie takes precedence over my thoughts when its silent and I have time to think, and she does now. So do many others.
I wonder if she see’s in Cassa’s eyes what I see in Shame’s. Regret. I see Cassa in that bed, beaten within an inch of her life. Changed forever at no fault of her own and I know if Shamus knew he would give up everything and never think twice about it.
I would do the same for her if I thought Carrie wanted me. Four months ago, it was me outside the hospital room I wasn’t welcome in, waiting to know she was okay. I offered walking away from it all to keep her, but she let me go.
I never thought that something so evil would take one of us down and Cassa needed us, but it puts me in the most dangerous situation because I am with Carrie all day. I see her cry and I want so badly to take her pain away and I know she won’t let me.
Too many drunk dials from her getting my hopes up telling me she still loves me, to the next day telling me she was just emotional and didn’t mean it. Texts, dirty texts where she tells me what she wants to do to me as we both get off, to radio silence until the next needy text or the next drunk call crying. I have let her destroy me because I deserved it. She has broken my heart twenty different ways since we broke up and I keep letting her in hopes that I’ll finally be forgiven.
I pull into Noah’s and realize I haven’t been here since my last fight with Carrie that ended us for good. Knowing I won’t be able to sleep with my mind on everything I decide to try to write lyrics, each word about her and I wonder if I will ever be free of it all.
I fell asleep at the table when I was trying to write lyrics that wouldn’t come, when I felt a hand on my shoulder and a gentle shake that jolted me awake. It was dark still and I was in the Beckett’s kitchen when I saw Carrie, like a dream.
“Carrie?” I whisper and I want to touch her to know if she’s real.
“Yeah, you scared the shit out of me.” She say’s and turns on the light over the sink and the soft glow floats across the floor. She is wearing boxers and a hoodie with her hair under a ball cap.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, even though it’s still her home.
“Candy and Noah, that’s what.”
I rub my neck as I pop it. “I thought Noah was at the hospital?” I stand to take my few beer bottles to the trash.
“Mike kicked him out. Noah get’s bossy when he gets worried. Candy knows how to calm that storm, but I don’t like listening.” She looks out the back window at the boathouse before looking at me. “Thought I would crash here for the night.”
“I’ll get out of your hair then.” I go to grab my keys and my hoodie when she stops me with her hand on my wrist.
“You don’t need to leave, Chad.”
I look at her hand on my wrist and it feels like a brand. “No, but I should.”
“Why can’t we just be normal? You used to sleep here all the time before we…”
I wait for her to acknowledge our past and see that I am right here, but she just looks at me with the blue eyes that haunt my every second. “Exactly. Fuck you can’t even say it. Before we fell in love Carrie. There's no shame in saying it. It is what it is.”
She looks at me pointedly and I already know I outwore my welcome by that look. “I never wanted this for us.”
“I know.” I say and I'm so sick of this bullshit. I don’t know if it’s the stress of Shame and Cassa, the touring or the fact that I know damn well I cannot be friends or in any way platonic with Carrie Beckett. But I fucking lose it.
“You know what Carrie? You did want it. I groveled. I begged for forgiveness and you walked. All I did was give you what you want, always what you want, and I let you move on. I paid my fuckin dues so if all you want to do is remind me of it then our civility ends here.”
“Chad...” She reaches for me again, but I backed out of her way. I can’t let her touch me; I will lose all resolve because she is the one thing, I want more than oxygen.
“What?” I keep my eyes on the floor as I stuff my hands in my hoodie.
“I…” She didn’t say more, and I didn’t have time for her bullshit.
“What, Carrie?” I yell and she flinches like I'm a fucking threat.
“This isn’t what I wanted for us.” Her bottom lip trembled as she spoke, and I wanted to kiss her or wring her neck. I didn’t know.
“Me fuckin either but here we are.” I pull my keys back out of my hoodie. “It’s why I’m leaving.
I walk out the front door toward my truck when she follows me, crying out my name. I spin and come up on her quick fusing my mouth to hers and press her back up against the garage door. I kiss her for every second she’s been gone, for every song she hasn’t heard. I kiss her because both of us are in hell… I kiss her because she is my it, my all, my everything.
What I didn’t expect was for her to kiss me back.<
br />
I pull back, my fingers still tangled in her hair as we breathe heavily, forehead to forehead. “I have to go.”
She grips my shoulders, bunching the fabric of my hoodie into her fists, not letting me and it destroys me.
“I need to go, Carrie.”
“Why?” She cries breathlessly.
Hearing her like that swoops in and takes hold of my control and working brain. All I want, have ever wanted was to be here again and I know it’s not real. She wants to sandblast, so do I, but this is about everything but us. She’s hurting and wants me to be the bandage concealing the pain. And I can’t do it. To me or her. She will walk away after. And I wouldn’t come back from it.
“Because…” I say and groan as her lips come to mine. I press harder against her, my dick pitching a tent for the welcome home party.
Because you’re a huge red button I can’t push.
“I was wrong.” She says it, eyes on mine as I catch my breath.
“What?”
“I was wrong, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
I close my eyes because I want to be here. I want to get through this, finally get through it, but I don’t know what she means, and I won’t make her mind up for her. I step back, forcing myself to create distance.
I can see us in bed, hell I see us against the wall, the garage even my damn truck. All teeth and tongues and I want it all like my next breath, but it answers nothing. Blue balls I can deal with, her backpedaling I can’t. This is a fantasy and not real. The last four months are the reality that she doesn’t want me. I want her, she knows it. She knows I will always give her what she wants, even if it kills me. And her using me will kill me. I do the only thing I can in this situation, the one thing that will give me the truth.
“Tell me what you want baby.” I say, I pull on every ounce of the guy I was before Carrie. I give her everything I have right here, the swagger, the fuck me voice and wait to see what she says. I can fuck any girl, but I can’t touch Carrie without devotion. I can’t turn it off, it’s just who she is to me. I know when a woman wants to fuck to avoid dealing with bigger things and any given Sunday before Carrie, I would be that guy to fuck the pain away.
