TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  Now I had opened the hatch and my words were slipping free of their own accord. “I gave him up for you guys and the freedom to be in this world with no fear or guilt or worry. I gave him up for his fans and for the future that so many other bands would kill for. I gave him up because I have dreams of my own and they involve education and being someone other than Chad Blake’s girlfriend. I gave him to you and the world, and I did it because I love him, but it doesn’t lessen in anyway how deeply I miss him. I was the one left behind.” I turned to leave, terrified that Chad would come see what the hold up on the party was and I did not need him to see this. I was always somehow ruining things for him. “I’m sorry I was selfish tonight. I needed to see him and hear his voice and I couldn’t let him come home and not see him. It wasn’t possible.” I wiped my eyes and smiled at Cal and Shame and Noah. “I’m glad he is making music the fans love and I’m sorry if he is hurting but I wish you could see that I did it out of fear of losing the one thing I cherished above all other things. Please don’t tell him I came.” I looked to Noah with tears in my eyes and saw him red faced and angry. At me or Cal I didn’t know. “I’m sorry.” I choked on my tears and ran out the door and into the freezing Seattle rain.

  I had come to finish my story, I officially and most definitely got closure of the worst kind but an ending just the same. We were truly over, so much it seemed, there would need to be a new term for what I once called a broken heart. It was the end of us entirely. Without closure there would be no end of us continuing to hurt each other.

  *

  “You ok?” I jumped about a million feet at the sound of Shamus outside of my car window. Shocked that he walked all the way out here. I had parked about as far from the building entrance as possible because I got here and needed the walk inside to calm my racing heart. Now I couldn’t leave fast enough. How he made it through the lot without about a hundred screaming women hell bent on a Shamus James original and publicly known courtesy of tabloids ‘Screaming Orgasm’ was beyond me. Shame had become quite the playboy in the last few months.

  “You scared me half to death Shame.” I ran my hands through my hair and shook off the startled vibe he gave just seconds before. I didn’t need an encore of the fight from ten minutes before. I was staying away for good. I had said my piece. “Why you here Shame?” I asked exhausted and ready for tonight to be so over.

  “Can I sit with you for a minute?” He asked kindly and waited, hunched overlooking in the window with his hands tucked close to his body. I felt even more awful knowing he was freezing to death. Even if he were coming to let me have it to, I could still be nice and keep him from going hypothermic. Besides, Shame had remained my friend even though I kept secrets from him.

  Shamus slipped his six plus and close to perfect form in my car and cupped his hands to his mouth blowing into them to warm up. He was a good-looking guy and easily could hold a candle to Chad in the looks department. He looked at me and smiled, rubbed his hands together again before sitting back and taking a deep breath… here it comes…

  “You know that I get it right Care?” He asked. There wasn’t a note of anger in his voice and he seemed genuine.

  “Get what?”

  “Why you walked away but also why you came to the show tonight.” He shrugged his shoulders before shifting his body toward me more comfortably.

  I couldn’t hold back the sob that retched from my throat at his words. Jeeze this just sucks so much I couldn’t even find the words. He had no idea what I was hiding from him but came to support me anyway. I felt the worst kind of guilt knowing the secrets I held of Cassa’s knowing he missed her like crazy and hated leaving her behind.

  “You know how me, and Sass were hell bent on proving the world wrong?” He asked only upping my guilt.

  I nodded unable to say a word.

  “We were the ones who were wrong. I look back now and wish like hell I had never walked away from her. My leaving made her mad, and that anger sent her head long into bars and nightlife and now she’s knocked up and married to a guy she barely knows. My chance was snuffed! One bad mistake and she will never be mine again all because I listened to a scared old man.” He took my hand and forced my eyes to meet his. “He was wrong Carrie. My old man was dead wrong making me think she could never be happy, that she would never forgive me for dragging her along if I failed. He talked me out of taking her, got in my head enough to make me think he had a point. I think Cassa would have stood beside me regardless. I was a coward and it cost me dearly.”

  Fuck!

  He didn’t know Cassa was divorced. He didn’t know she was almost murdered. He didn’t know Cassa was at Jerry’s almost non-stop when she wasn’t with me and Candy. He didn’t know a lot of things, but her being so close to Jerry seemed wrong after learning Jerry had been the cricket in Shames ear. I wanted to tell Cass what he said, but it wouldn’t be fair to break his confidence and not Cassa’s.

  I got what he was saying though. I wasn’t dense. But Chad and I were far more brutal to one another then he and Cassa ever were or could ever be. The way he left proved that. Shame knew he couldn’t look her in the eye and walk away. We were both pussy’s the way we ran.

  Chad and I never pulled punches, we were never afraid to hurt the other, but Sass and Shame were. It was our biggest weakness but also our greatest strength that we could be so honest.

  “Chad and I are…” I tried to find the right word when Noah’s words came to me as if he were next to me. “Chad and I are unique.”

  “More like stupid if you give in to all the bad shit. You were right Carrie; Chad would go bat shit crazy worried if you weren’t happy; has been bat shit crazy since you guys ended. You were also right by declining coming on tour with us the first time. You and Chad have a fire that cannot be doused that easily, but it burned out just the same. Do you really think that eight days is what broke you guys? If you really think that then you’re not the people I thought either of you were.”

  Shamefully there was another reason I had ended us that only Chad knew. “Chad is beautiful Shame. As I guy, I don’t expect you to understand a female point of view but let me spell it out for you so you can try to understand. He is chocolate, and sin and orgasms and life. He is everything that women crave in one seriously smoldering sexy package. I see how women look at him Shamus. I know what he was like before we dated. Take all of that and add some celebrity into the mix, with about twenty thousand screaming, beautiful sex crazed women who are far more experienced than I ever would be and tell me how he would chose to come home to me?” I took a deep shuddering breath because tears started falling about the time, I hit chocolate. “He is sex personified when he is on stage. He strokes that fucking guitar like he used to stroke me. He writes these amazing songs and sings them and achieves the task of getting about half a stadium hot and wet. Chad is sex up against a wall. He is a beggar and a pleaser, a sinner, and a sufferer. He is so completely unattainable to a messed-up girl like me. I was set up to fail the night I chose to stay late at the Joint to clean some fucking dishes!”

  “Baby girl how could you think that?” Shame asked and pulled me in for a hug. Had anyone else held me this close or called me baby girl and I’d have kicked them in the junk. However, Shamus and I were one in the same, our situations made us kindred. He was as lost without Cassa as I was without Chad.

  “The same way that you think about Cassa, Shame. We are both playing losing hands. Cassa moved on and so did Chad. I have seen the way he is with women when we’ve been apart. Now he is practically buried under a pile of pussy, what the hell do I have to offer?”

  “Well I would normally say pussy, but as you stated…” Shamus laughed as he said it but flinched when I slapped his shoulder.

  “Stop you know what I meant. What the hell can I offer long distance that could possibly keep him satisfied when there are hundreds of women lining up waiting for Chad to get lonely once again?” I shook my head and leaned back against the head rest of the driver
seat. “No one can compete with that Shamus. It’s the worst kind of unfair fight.”

  “Honey the only Chad Blake you have known in the dating world is the ‘Post Carrie Beckett’ Chad Blake. Chad was never like he is now before you Carrie.”

  I laughed sardonically. “Thanks. I feel a ton better Shame.”

  “No, you think Chad is bad now. Carrie you have no idea how bad it was before you. Chad didn’t know last names of his women, let alone the few first names he remembered. He had like three girlfriends, all mild in comparison to you, before you even met. Each one of those girls used Chad for status. One even used him to get back at her ex. Another would use sex as a weapon. Every time Chad fucking pissed her off, she would fuck a guy that Chad knew, and we all know her as Trisha. Once she put him through the ringer he finally gave up and made them the playthings instead. Until you Carrie I swore he would fuck his way through America content to feel nothing. You hit him like a freight train. Girl you linebackered his ass and he has been trying to keep from admitting you are gone and to move on. Instead Carrie, unfortunately, he fucks himself through his pain. The women be damned.”

  “God Shamus that just makes it worse.” I groaned and tore my fingers through my hair. “As callous as it sounds, I would prefer he use my pussy in that situation. What the hell am I supposed to do? It doesn’t change anything Shame. I’ll forever be left feeling less than adequate and he will still be in their fucking Right and Left.”

  When Shame looked at me like I made no sense I realized he had no clue who Right and Left were. After explaining he couldn’t stop his laughter. “Honey you’re missing the point. With you in the picture Carrie there is no Right, Left, Up, Down. When you let Chad in, you are all he sees. Trust me sweetie, I know Chad the male whore and he doesn’t need that dirty dirty when you’re in his heart.”

  “Dirty Dirty?” I asked confused.

  “Sucky Sucky Fucky fucky?” He said in definition, wiggling his eyebrows.

  “Classy.”

  “Really Carrie? Dirty Dirty is hard to hear yet you have no problem saying Chad is buried under a pile of pussy?” His laughter was contagious, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

  We sat in silence for a few minutes before I spoke. “Have you talked to Cass since she moved back to Seattle?”

  He said nothing just shook his head no. The look of devastation across his face wasn’t hidden, even in the dark light.

  “Have you talked to Chad other than tonight?” He asked instead of talking about him and Cassa.

  “No… a few text messages but not a conversation.” We were silent again, but I had a question burning a hole through my brain. “Has he really been writing some good stuff?”

  “Unbelievable the pain he taps into, the anger… I understand why Cal got so pissed. The new stuff rocks.”

  Jesus, I had forgot about Cal’s freak out on me and groaned before realizing Shame would hear my annoyance. “I forgot about Cal.”

  “No one hates you, not even Cal. Cal is all about the music, the bands success is all he cares about. He picks a fangirl or two and has a good time, but the second the girls are off the bus he is back to business. He is a crazier version of Noah. Noah used to be just like that before he started sniffing around Candy. It’s why he is so damn good. Love isn’t a want or need for Calvin Dorian baby girl you know that.” He spoke of Noah with such awesome reflection I couldn’t help but smile. We really had come out clean from the dark side of hell. We had scratches and pains, but we were good.

  “He was furious Shame. I hate that he thinks I’m a careless bitch.”

  “Go home and get some sleep Carrie. Let me deal with Cal and his mouth. Let Chad sober up and sleep off his night and I’ll talk to him with a clear head tomorrow. Let Noah go bang the hell out of Candy because one of them two needs their girl back and tonight it seems Noah’s the lucky fucker.”

  “Uh, really? Please don’t remind me how gross they are. I live with her.”

  “Where are you staying then because Noah said he was going to her room, her bed no matter what?”

  “I’m not sure yet because that was news to me.” I shrug and lower the heater because it’s finally warm. “I’ll figure it out.”

  “Nonsense Carrie. Hang on.” He had his cell out and was stroking the keypad quickly. A series of beeps and he put the phone back in the pocket of his flannel shirt. “Four Seasons has a room for you under your name but the TAT account. Noah had a standby room for when we got here. Trust me Carrie, he knew you were hotel bound tonight. And before you ask, he is sending you to the hotel because Candy has something to show him at the apartment and he won’t share it with us.”

  He is smirking and I know exactly what that something is, and Shame would be furious if he knew. Noah was checking in on Cassa and betting I would be with Chad in a private room at the Four Seasons. Shame and I were being fucked figuratively while everyone else got the good stuff. For some reason this made me cry.

  “Carrie?” He asked because I had to be freaking him out. “Carrie listen to me. I don’t know if this is because of Chad, or Cal or the fact your bro was constantly lookin’ out. But whatever it is, you’ll get through it.”

  I nod but it feels empty.

  A tap came a few more silent moments later and Shame rolled his window down when he saw Noah standing there freezing. “What the fuck Shame? We are due on stage in five minutes. Get the lead out fucker!” Noah didn’t acknowledge me, and I knew it was because he was giving me space to handle what happened. Noah made his point months ago and called me a pussy and a brat. This was him staying out of it for the sake of the band and the fact him and Chad were close once again.

  Shame smiled and got out of my car yelling to Noah to wait. Noah was sitting in a golf cart he must have drove around looking for me and I felt bad having held up the show. “The fans will wait bro, makes the moment we come alive on stage all the sweeter!” He ducked his head blew me a kiss and was off, Noah rolling his eyes and waving to me. He knew I wasn’t staying. I wouldn’t watch Chad with Right and Left all night. Not when I came to fix us. It made me sick. This life was sick, but it was the life I had made for myself and I would have to deal.

  We rocked the house and it was our first sold out show with seven more to go and by the end, I knew we finally made the big time.

  I exit stage left expecting the biggest party of my life, but meeting Shamus’s fist instead and I went down on my ass.

  “What the fuck?” I yell, Noah behind me holding me back as Cal holds Shame back.

  “Because you deserve it for being a dumb son-of-a-bitch?”

  “Explain?” I spit blood to the side and wipe my lips off.

  “She came here to fucking tell you in person that she made a mistake letting you go.”

  I look at him like he is crazy until I see Noah’s face and even Cal who looks guilty. “How do you know?” I am calmer now, but still processing that news, news I wouldn’t be dumb enough to believe so easily.

  He nods and walks away.

  So, I follow his ass.

  “Is that why you were late on stage and giving me the eye?” He was way late on stage; Cal and I played the intro twice before his happy ass was there. I thought he was pissed we started without him.

  “I followed her to her car safely and we had a chat. You have a second chance here Chad. My advice is to take it and run.” He looks sad and I know it’s because of Cassa and I understand why he wishes for the same. “You suck ass at being a wingman anyway.”

  “Seriously?” I ask and I mean about Carrie, but Shame can be a dick when he wants.

  “Yeah, you mope like a chick on the rag.”

  I flip him off and look around like I have keys handy or even an idea of where to find her when Noah hands me his keys to his Nova.

  “Four Seasons under Carrie James.” He says and winks.

  “Shitty name.” I throw back as I slip on my leather jacket and steal the bandana from Shame’s arsenal.

  “Good
luck!” They all yell and I was out the door.

  I stopped at the bus to grab a few things before I made it to the Hotel and then pitter patted my ass off in the car scared to face the music. My fate, good or bad was upstairs

  Chapter Thirty

  Carrie

  It was four o’clock in the morning when I heard the knock from the door getting louder. Candy and Noah both texted me telling me they were headed to our place. Shame texted making sure I made it to the Four Seasons after telling Noah where I was.

  I rolled from the enormous, and seriously way too comfortable king size bed and staggered half asleep to the banging on the door. Glancing at the clock on my way, noting it was still dark out I cursed Chad Blake for sending me to bed upset and waking me in such fucked up rock star fashion.

  Oh yes. I knew damn well it was Chad on the other side of that door. And I was desperately hoping he was sober and fresh from the shower having washed Right and Left from his skin.

  I swung the door without looking to see that it was indeed Chad. I had Chad Blake radar. Peep holes were pointless in his presence.

  I stared at his haggard looking form before stepping back silently and letting him in the room. We stood with our backs against opposite walls and avoided looking at one another. I was silently cursing myself now for answering the door without even a glance in the mirror. Every girl out there knows what we look like after a harrowing, Oscar worthy cry fest. I hadn’t even given myself a courtesy lick-my-finger-and-swipe-the-bags before opening the door.

  After whom knew how long Chad stepped from his perch at the wall and stepped toward me, arms extended. It happened so fast that my sleep addled brain couldn’t fight him off when his arms encircled my waste before he buried his nose in my neck. He still said nothing, and I didn’t move as we stood there in an awkward and effortless embrace.

  I think this hurt worse than the few words he had said to me earlier. At least I could see his face and knew he was more hurt than angry. This way he was hidden from me and I couldn’t tell if he was here to say goodbye or to perhaps apologize. I stood there stumped on what move to make. So, I made the only logical move I could. I held him back. I couldn’t have moved from his arms if I tried. This was the reason I came. I needed his arms around me. I needed his comfort. I hadn’t lied to Cal or Shamus. I was selfish. The worst kind of selfish because I wanted nothing else but for him to hold me.