Fashionably Fabulous

by Robyn Peterman

  “The Dave?” I ground out as silver and pink magic burst around me.

  The men said nothing. They didn’t have to.

  “No,” The Shelia shouted and shot a fireball at the cage. The Reggie stepped forward and took it square in the chest to keep his comrades safe. “I do not believe that. The Dave would never harm my brother. Never.”

  Again, The Shelia threw another fireball. Again, The Reggie took it head on.

  “Stop,” I commanded harshly, clapped my hands and removed the iron cage from around the Fairies.

  Picking up the profusely bleeding The Reggie, I chanted over him and closed the gaping hole in his chest. Whipping my head around, I glared at The Shelia. “You will not fight a defenseless man ever again. Do you understand me?” I snarled.

  The Shelia stepped back and stared at the floor.

  “Why would they lie?” I shouted. “The Dave might have crossed sides. This is not about you, The Shelia. This is about The Kev and the fucked up mess called Zanthia. I will punish those who transgress. Not you. Am I clear?” My voice was like shards of ice—deadly and precise.

  The Shelia dropped to her knees and pressed her forehead to the floor. All others in the room followed suit—even Martha and Jane.

  “Yes, my Queen,” The Shelia said quietly without a shred of anger or disrespect in her voice.

  “Please tell us you’ve come back to save us,” The Reggie begged from his position on the floor.

  Breathing in through my nose and slowly out through my lips, I tamped down my fury at everything.

  “I’ve come to save The Kev. As for the rest? We’ll just have to wait and see.”

  Chapter Ten

  The day dawned gloomy and dark. My mood was darker.

  “So here’s the deal, people,” I said as we gathered in our Plaza suite and prepared to go. “The Reggie and The Bob will be our keepers in Zanthia. They will escort us through the city and take us where we need to go.”

  “Affirmative,” The Reggie said. “I have government clearance to guide you.”

  “Government clearance?” I asked, annoyed at the police state Zanthia had turned out to be.

  “Martha and Jane are national treasures,” The Reggie reminded me.

  “Goddamned right we are,” Jane said, practicing her twerk, which received a round of excited applause from the Fairies.

  Well, not from me, Susu, or The Shelia but the rest of the idiots went nuts. Fairies had no taste whatsoever. Apparently, hartwogs didn’t either. Lady Gaga squealed and rolled around to show her appreciation of Jane’s dubious talent. Although, the four pies Jane had fed Lady Gaga might have swayed my hartwog’s opinion.

  “You done?” I asked Jane.

  “One more,” she said and rotated her bony hips so obscenely, I gagged. “Done now, Dairy Queen.”

  “Dirty Diana,” I corrected her sharply.

  “Whoops,” Jane said, slapping herself so hard on the head she should have knocked herself out cold. “Won’t happen again, O love child of the King of Pop.”

  Vampyres were freakin’ nuts. Ignoring my instinct to zap her ass, I continued. “The Henry and The Gus are going to make sure the coast is clear in the Magic Mystery Castle for us to rehearse.”

  “Yes,” The Henry said. “And then I will stay and stand guard. The Gus will come back to the Plaza and protect the hartwog.”

  “Right.” I nodded and started to lay out more of the plan, but was stopped by a very business-like Martha, which was an oxymoron in itself. Her fangs were on display and she looked every inch a Vamp. I raised my brow and narrowed my eyes at her. “Do you have something to add?”

  “I most certafuckingly do. I want it clear that no motherfucker can hear us rehearse—it’ll make it easier to rescue The Kev and I won’t have to use my throwing stars which is a goddamned good thing since I’m a little wild with those.”

  “She nailed me in the forehead last week. Hurt like a bitch,” Jane confirmed Martha’s lack of skill.

  “I was going for your mouth,” Martha said.

  “You missed,” Jane pointed out.

  “My bad. Anyfuckinghoo, I want that nasty place cleared of everyone,” Martha grunted, wielding a dull butter knife in one hand and a peach pie in the other. “No guards. Guards will give me flashbacks to the last time I was here and then I’ll have to go all whoop-ass on everyone. Trust me—no one wants me to go whoop-ass. My aim sucks dingleberries and people will die. Most likely people I don’t actually mean to kill. You bastards feel me? Our fucking concert is top secret and I will de-pecker anyone who tries to listen to us for free. Also, it costs money to gaze upon my ass.”

  “And my knockers,” Jane added, pumping a scrawny fist in the air.

  “Right,” Martha said. “Jane’s knockers are worth millions—or at least the standard admission price of twenty-nine ninety-nine.”

  “Are you done?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

  “Almost,” Martha promised. “If that fucking Castle is not empty of everyone except The Kev, aka Hairy Spleen’s beard, I will throw a fit like Zanthia has never seen. I’m done now.”

  “My Queen has no beard,” The Henry said, confused.

  “Ignore her,” I told him. “However, make sure the Magical Mystery Castle is as empty as it can be without raising suspicion.”

  “If Martha and Jane want something, they shall get it. No one will question the needs of the superstars,” The Gus gushed, pulling up the sleeve of his shirt and revealing a tattoo of the undead hags.

  “Oh my Hell,” I said, not even trying to hold back my laughter. “Is that permanent?”

  “It is,” The Gus said with pride. “The Henry has Martha on his ass.”

  “Tis true,” The Henry revealed, blushing as Martha winked at him.

  “If I wasn’t mated to the hottest dang Fairy-Demon in the fucking Universe, I’d bang the shit out of you for inking my mug on your butt,” Martha said.

  The Henry practically keeled over with joy. However, The Reggie looked sad.

  “You’re mated?” he asked. “I always thought…”

  “You thought wrong,” Jane said with a raised brow and a raised middle finger. “You used us.”

  “I most certainly did not,” The Reggie huffed. “I had to follow The Kev’s orders and then… you were gone like the wind.”

  “With the wind. Gone With the Wind—longest damned book in the fucking world. Makes a great door stop,” Martha told him. “I’d bang Clark Gable in a hot second. Lizard might be a little put out. Wait. I don’t need Clark Gable when I have me a Lizard.”

  “I heard Clark Gable had wooden teeth,” Jane volunteered.

  “Like George Washington?” Martha inquired with great interest.

  “Yep.”

  “Well, that’s fucking gross. I’ll take a nice set of fangs any day of the week,” Martha announced.

  “Lizard?” The Bob asked with his mouth slightly agape. “You’re mated to Lizard?”

  “Damn tootin’ we are,” Jane said as her beady eyes narrowed and she cracked her knuckles, prepared to kick The Bob’s ass if he had something rude to say about it.

  “The Lizard is from my bloodline. He was banished long ago,” The Bob said, bowing in respect to Martha and Jane. “You are now my kin as well.”

  Okay. Shit kept getting weirder and weirder. We needed to get this show in the road before The Reggie announced he was my father or some freakin’ nonsense that would make me tear someone’s head off.

  “Are we done with Clark Gable, wooden teeth, family reunions, horrifying tattoos and threatening to remove peckers?” I inquired, staring at the ceiling so I didn’t go all whoop-ass on my tiny army.

  Lady Gaga rubbed against my leg and purred. Scooping her up in my arms and holding her sweet little body close, I continued. “Shelia, did you rearrange the schedule?”

  “I did, Dirty Diana,” she said, checking her book. “Ellen Degeneres delivered the memo to the authorities. The tour of the venue at the Grand Fun
Palace is out. Martha and Jane have already performed on that stage and we need to keep you away from The Dark and Light Courts until we have more of a plan.”

  “Until we have The Kev,” I corrected her. “And to be quite honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever see the Grand Fun Palace or the fucked up Courts.”

  The Reggie, The Gus, The Bob and The Henry looked crushed and I felt horrible.

  “Look guys,” I said, feeling even worse as The Bob started to tear up. “My experience with Fairies from Zanthia so far has sucked—present company excluded. Most recently, I had to take on The Ned. That was not fun and I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder waiting to die until one of you fuckers is successful. I want to have a normal life—picket fence, kids, date nights.”

  “Call me crazy,” Martha started.

  “Okay, Crazy,” Jane interrupted her, only to be decked by her buddy.

  “As I was saying,” Martha continued as Jane slapped her in the back of the head. “Normal left the station a while ago. You ain’t gonna be normal no matter what you do, Fairy Peen.”

  “Fine. Not normal-normal. Normal for someone like me,” I grumbled.

  There was a long silence. No one knew what to say. Neither did I.

  “Well, I’m hungry,” Susu announced. “Let’s go so I can chow down on some bad guys.”

  Again. No one knew what to say. Inhaling loudly, I metaphorically yanked up my big girl panties and looked my people over. The Shelia was once again goth. Susu had her brown hair and I was Dirty Diana.

  Grabbing a few flaky circle breads from the buffet table that had been set up in our suite, I shoved them in my pockets. All of this tension was making me hungry. I’d eaten two omelets, a bowl of cereal and most of the fruit basket that had been delivered. The Fairies had eyed my plate with curiosity, but my lifted middle finger put a stop to any comments.

  “Lady Gaga, you be a good girl. The Gus will be back soon,” I told my little hartwog as she wagged her curly tail.

  “Okay. Let’s do this.”

  “Wait,” Susu shouted, flitting about our heads. “I request permission to go badass on you if you can’t control your power.”

  I stared at my tiny Guardian Angel and sighed. “Will I survive badass?”

  “I will never harm you. I will die for you,” she said as she kissed my nose. “I just want you to win. Always.”

  “Then yes. You have my permission to go badass on me if I lose my grip on the glitter,” I told her with a tight smile.

  What no one knew was that I hadn’t slept a wink. All night long I’d meditated and practiced using and stopping my magic. It hurt like Hell and then some, but I was stronger—if a bit bruised. A few sore body parts and lack of sleep were a small price to pay for The Kev’s freedom. Susu wanted me to win. I had no plans to lose. The price was far too high.

  I was ready. My people were ready. My stomach was in a massive painful knot.

  It was time to kick some ass.

  “This cloak is freakin’ itchy, dude,” I complained as we left the Plaza and began our walk to the Magic Mystery Castle.

  “Leave it on,” The Reggie said softly. “First off, you’re less conspicuous as cloaks are all the rage in Zanthia. Secondly, the one you wear is special.”

  “Special because it itches like a motherhumper?” I asked with a grin from beneath the hood.

  The Reggie’s laugh was sweet—just like he was turning out to be. “Special because I created it. It’s itchy because it’s bulletproof and magic proof. It will protect you, my Qu…”

  “Duuuude,” I hissed and punched him in the arm. “Dirty Diana. Do not forget that. And if you bow, I’ll rip you an asshole you will not survive. Got it?”

  “Yes,” The Reggie said, chuckling. “You’re different. The same, but different.”

  “Heard that already,” I told him as we continued to walk.

  Zanthia was worse in the daylight—if you could call the small bit of sun peeking through the murky clouds daylight. There was an overlaying menace about the city and I was glad now for my itchy cloak. Desperate Fairies hawked items along the littered streets selling knockoff handbags, weapons, and what appeared to be rotted fruit and vegetables.

  We’d passed a duel where all participants died. It was horrifying. The Henry and The Gus led the way and pushed the more aggressive Fairies aside. Martha and Jane followed flanked by Shelia and The Bob. The Reggie and I were next, trailed by Ellen Degeneres who was actively looking for a snack. Zanthia was a creepy, dark, desperate place. I recognized none of it. There were children with dirty faces and ragged clothing. God, it was so depressing I wanted to scream.

  A small hand reached into my pocket to steal whatever she could find. Grabbing the hand, I pulled the small Fairy under my cloak. She whimpered and tried to break free. Moving quickly into a deserted alley, I kept my back to the crowds milling around. The Reggie was right behind me and had my back. Squatting down, I was now eye to eye with a beautiful girl who couldn’t have been more than eight.

  “What were you doing, little missy?” I asked the trembling child.

  She stared at the ground and fiddled with the torn hem of her threadbare dress. Her blonde hair was matted and her face was smeared with dirt. The young Fairy had cuts and bruises all over her small frame. The child was too thin and the holes in her shoes made me ill.

  “Nothing,” she lied in a whisper. “I’m sorry. Please let me go.”

  “Look at me,” I instructed.

  The little girl raised her eyes and held mine. They were a dull lifeless blue. The child had seen far too much in her short life. I could tell she was brave and strong and I knew in my heart her aura was lovely without even being able to see it. This little Fairy would do great things someday if she didn’t starve to death first.

  “You’re so pretty,” she said, touching my nose with her finger.

  “And so are you,” I said with a smile. “Are you hungry?”

  She hesitantly nodded her head and I wanted to cry. Zanthia needed a fucking overhaul if this was what Fairies thought was acceptable.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Mina,” she whispered. “What’s yours?”

  “You can call me Diana. Where are your mom and dad?”

  She shrugged and refused to answer.

  “Where do you live? Here in Zanthia?” I asked, hoping for something.

  “She’s a street urchin,” The Reggie said quietly. “There are many orphans now that the Dark and the Light Fairies have been at war with each other.”

  “She has no home?” I snapped, furious at everything about this place.

  “Child, answer your… Diana,” The Reggie said, catching himself before he busted me to an eight year old.

  “I’m sorry I tried to steal from you,” Mina said as her eyes welled with tears. “Please don’t turn me in. If you let me go, you’ll never see me again. I promise.”

  Removing a flaky circle bread from my pocket, I handed it to her. “The Reggie. Cover me. I swear that I won’t create a scene, but this is not okay.”

  “Be quick about it,” The Reggie insisted in a worried tone.

  Thankfully the alley was clear. It wasn’t exactly smart to use my magic, but I simply couldn’t stand this injustice. Concentrating harder than I ever had, I let the smallest amount of enchantment I could leave my fingertips. I waved my hand in a small circle and a light dusting of pink Fairy glitter covered the little girl. Her eyes grew wide and a tiny giggle left her lips. Mina now had a new dress and shoes. I kept them simple so no one would be the wiser. Her hair and face were clean and most of her cuts and bruises were gone.

  “I want The Gus to take her back to the hotel.”

  “Now?” The Reggie asked, flustered.

  “Now,” I replied firmly.

  “But he has to clear the Magic Mystery Castle,” he protested.

  Shitshitshit. The Reggie was correct. Just like I couldn’t leave Lady Gaga, I knew I couldn’t leave Mina either. The Kev
was my priority, but I was damned good at multitasking.

  The ruckus in the street made my head whip around. Had I been caught? What the Hell was I thinking? I was here to save The Kev not to collect strays.

  “Martha and Jane have been recognized,” Susu called out as she zipped toward us in the alley. “They’re signing autographs and taking pictures.”

  “They don’t show up in pictures. They’re undead,” I said, not letting go of the little Fairy in case she made a run for it.

  “Should I tell them?” Susu asked, eyeing the small Fairy in my grip.

  “No,” I said. “This will buy me some time.”

  “For?” The Reggie asked, concerned.

  “Susu,” I said, plucking her out of the air and holding her so Mina could see her. “Can you transport with a child?”

  Susu eyed the little girl with curiosity as Mina eyed her back.

  “I can. Is this BJ?” Susu inquired.

  That stopped me. Was it? Is that why I couldn’t leave her in the street to die?

  “Is your name really Mina?” I asked the child. “I need you to be honest with me. This is important—life or death important.”

  She nodded. “It’s Mina,” she said softly reaching for my Guardian Angel. “So pretty.”

  “I know,” Susu said as she giggled. “I’m gorgeous.”

  With an eye roll aimed at my vain protector, I made my decision. “Take Mina back to the Plaza. Leave her with Lady Gaga and let the hartwog know to protect her. And feed her before you come back.”

  “Roger that, Dirty Diana,” Susu said saluting me with a wide grin. “The hartwogs love children. Lady Gaga will take care of her.”

  Nodding curtly and feeling tremendous relief, I gathered both Susu and Mina under my cape. Glancing around the alleyway again, I kept my back to the crowd surrounding the Vamps.

  “Go. Now,” I instructed. “Come back to me after the child is secure.”

  In a muted pop of magic hidden by my cloak, Susu and Mina disappeared.

  “Are you done?” The Reggie asked, eyeing me strangely.