Fashionably Fabulous

by Robyn Peterman

  “What the fucking Hell on Sunday are you doin’?” Martha demanded, striding over and slapping her hands on her bony hips.

  She was the only one with big enough idiot balls to approach me while I was on fire. Wait. Nope. Jane was just as stupid.

  “It’s a magic show,” Jane informed Martha. “Kinda freaky, but I like it. Maybe we should set our asses on fire during our gig.”

  “Shut up,” I snapped. “Back away or you’ll be a pile of ash.”

  The Shelia yanked the old biddies away and watched me with fascinated concern.

  Slowly I let the fire subside. My hands ached like they’d been crushed by bricks, but I still had complete use of them. I’d been slightly worried I’d singe them right off my body, which would have been all kinds of sucky, but luckily they looked completely normal. They were not normal at all, but that was my plan.

  “May I ask why you did that?” The Reggie choked out, still alarmed by what he’d just witnessed.

  “You may, but I won’t answer,” I replied. “No time. No one touch the gate after I get it open. It’s iron under the silver.”

  Without waiting another second, I grabbed the bars and pulled them apart. The sensation of the iron against my skin was excruciating, but my skin didn’t melt away from my body. My ears rang and I felt the stabbing pain all the way to my toes. But knowing this was the iron that The Kev was bound in made me so angry, my pain simply didn’t matter.

  The crystal hung around my neck tingled and brought me some relief. A strange sense of calmness and healing washed over me. Maybe Satan hadn’t revealed all the powers of the stone he’d given me. Was it possible I needed the crystal as much as BJ did?

  There was no time to try and figure out Satan’s motives—that could take centuries I didn’t have. Maybe BJ was close. Maybe she wasn’t. The one thing I did know was that The Kev was near. I could feel him in my bones.

  “Stay together. Shelia, keep your hands near the collars.”

  “On it,” she whispered as everyone carefully stepped through the opening I’d made in the gate.

  The stairs were lit with torches. It was ridiculous. How medieval could you freakin’ get? At the bottom of the stairs, I stopped and held up my hand. There were two paths that led to different sections of the dungeon. The ceilings were high—at least fifteen feet, but the hallways were narrow.

  The Kev was to the right. I could feel him—he was weak and close to death. I also sensed others. My desire to blow up the entire Universe almost overwhelmed me. My power wanted to control me and I was very close to letting it win.

  Dizzy and lightheaded, I clenched my jaw and fisted my hands at my sides. Focus. I had to focus. This was bigger than me and my fury. Strong—I had to be stronger.

  Small explosions of gold and pink magic burst around my head and I gritted my teeth to draw it back. There was something much larger and deadlier brewing inside me. I was unsure I had the wherewithal to contain it.

  “Susu,” I hissed as I slammed my hands against the stone wall and held back my magic with inhuman effort. “Help me. Now.”

  My Guardian Angel flew around me like a whirling dervish and sprinkled shimmering lavender crystals over me. She quietly chanted in a language I’d never heard. It was a cross between a lullaby and the stuff nightmares were made of. The crystals stung my skin and I closed my eyes against the assault, but it worked. My magic still bubbled close to the surface, but I had it under control.

  “Fuck,” I muttered and pressed my forehead against the cold stone.

  “You good?” Susu asked as she hovered in the air by my head.

  “No and yes. Thank you,” I said.

  “I love you,” she replied.

  Giving her a weak smile, I stood up straight. There was a lot to do and no time to waste.

  “The Henry and The Gus, you will stay here and guard the stairs. Anyone who comes down here dies. Any guard who tries to leave dies,” I instructed tonelessly.

  “As you wish, my… Dirty Diana,” The Henry promised.

  “I’m in first. The Reggie and The Bob, stay on my heels. Susu stay on my shoulder. On my word take the earplugs to The Kev and put them in his ears. Shelia, you bring up the rear with Martha and Jane behind you. Be ready to remove the collars.”

  “My pleasure, Dirty Diana,” The Shelia said.

  Her eyes were a fiery silver and her smile was freakin’ scary. I was glad The Shelia was on my team. She was as ready as I was to destroy anything or anyone who might try to stop us from getting to The Kev.

  “Plan?” The Reggie inquired.

  “No plan,” I said. “We are going to wing this shit… and win. Only objective is to leave this Hellhole with The Kev. Collateral damage is completely acceptable.”

  “Dirty Diana is great at pulling stuff out of her ass,” Martha told The Reggie.

  “I think we should pull objects out of our ass during our gig,” Jane announced with a grin.

  “Martha was speaking metaphorically… I hope,” I said with an eye roll, almost happy that the old bags were here to keep me from getting too serious. Oddly enough, their antics kept me relaxed.

  “I know that,” Jane said with a wink. “I’m just being gross.”

  Holy shit. I marveled at the two idiot Vampyres for a brief second. Was there an actual method to their madness? Maybe there was far more to the dingbats than met the eye.

  “However, I still think the ass idea is worth pursuing,” Jane added as Martha nodded enthusiastically.

  And, maybe I was wrong. “Move now,” I said.

  We did.

  I had pulled a plan from my ass… and then some.

  Chapter Twelve

  “Halt,” a Fairy guard commanded in a gruff and condescending tone. He drew his sword and pointed it at me.

  I almost laughed. His sword may as well have been a blade of grass. If he so much as looked at me wrong, he was going to be very sorry—as in very dead. Six of them stood in formation ready to defend their territory. Too bad. So sad. I didn’t come to play. I came to win.

  I couldn’t see The Kev, but I was pretty sure he was imprisoned three cells back. Bizarrely, the other cells were empty. However, that didn’t mean the other side was empty. It took everything I had not to blow the guards sky high and get them out of my way, but I couldn’t risk the ceilings caving in. The Kev was too weak to survive a massive explosion. Plus, if there were prisoners on the other side, my guess was that they were as innocent as The Kev.

  “Who are you and why are you down here?” the guard demanded as his eyes narrowed dangerously.

  I channeled all the cheerleaders from high school and hoped to Astrid’s Uncle God that I could pull it off. I gave the angry asshole my best megawatt smile and waved like a pageant girl.

  “Hi! I’m Dirty Diana!” I squealed. “I manage the superstars Martha and Jane! We were told we could take a tour of the Magic Mystery Castle before the girls rehearsed for the show. It’s so cool and creepy down here.”

  My voice was pitched abnormally high and I jumped around like an idiot so they had no way of recognizing me. I didn’t recognize them at all. No flash went off in my head. One thing I was certain of though… they were dark—very dark.

  “Unacceptable,” another Fairy growled. “No one is permitted in this part of the Castle without clearance.”

  This Fairy was an odd one. His eyes were shifty and he wouldn’t look directly at me. There was one other who seemed to have the same mannerisms. The other four were simply dark and evil. I was unsure why I felt two were different, but I wasn’t going to second guess my gut on anything right now.

  “Would you like an autograph from Martha and Jane?” I inquired in a high-pitched squeal, keeping my eye on the two Fairies that alarmed me most.

  “Umm…” The first Fairy was clearly torn. “Maybe a quick one.”

  The three others that I was certain were Fairies—albeit dark—nodded enthusiastically.

  “Leave,” the odd one growled. “Or yo
u will regret your decision to stay. I can promise you that.”

  “Oh, come on,” I said with a vapid giggle, sounding every bit a dingbat. “You don’t want autographs from the biggest stars in Zanthia?”

  “Universe,” Martha grunted. “Biggest goddamned stars in the Universe.”

  “That’s right,” Jane chimed in. “I might even twerk for you fuckers.”

  My eyes grew wide and I wanted to deck the old women, but that would not be my best move.

  “A quick autograph couldn’t hurt,” the first Fairy suggested to the shifty one.

  As the two guards argued and began to punch each other viciously, the second shifty one went back to the cage The Kev was in. With a flick of his fingers, he shot a bright red fireball into the cell. I heard The Kev grunt in agony.

  Done. I was done. Zanthia would be lucky to be in one piece by the time I was through.

  “Now,” I hissed at Susu and The Shelia. “NOW.”

  In the blink of an eye the collars were gone and Susu had flown with such speed to The Kev she was virtually invisible.

  “Motherhumpin’ creamy biscuit slacks,” Jane shrieked.

  “Moist creamy, creamy, creamy, creamy, assless gabardine slacks,” Martha shouted at the top of her lungs.

  “With biscuits on top in a fucking hula skirt with creamy, slimy, slippery butter slacks,” Jane added with a wide evil smirk. “Biscuit. Biscuit. Biscuit. Biscuit. Biscuit. Biscuit. Biscuit. Biscuit. Biscuit.”

  “Assless creamy, slimy, slippery butter slacks,” Martha corrected her buddy in crime.

  The Fairy guards went positively ashen and hit the ground rolling around in abject horror and agony. Actually, only four of the six were affected. Shifty One and Shifty Two were not.

  Fucking fine by me. Shifty Two was going to die anyway for throwing a fireball at my man.

  “What the Hell?” The Shelia hissed, pointing at the standing unaffected Fairies.

  “Not Fairies,” I ground out.

  “What in God’s name are they?” The Reggie shouted as they began to advance on us with swords drawn and such viciousness in their eyes it was terrifying.

  “Don’t know. Don’t care. Shift,” I commanded as I threw off my cloak and let my inner monster free.

  The air in the dungeon changed and blinding silver Fairy dust covered every available surface. I didn’t hold back. The blast of magic startled the two guards. They stepped back in confusion.

  My monster was my friend. I was roughly the size of an SUV and I busted out the narrow walls of the hallway. Blinking my eyes, I threw a protection wall in front of The Kev’s cell as Susu flew out and landed on my now massive shoulder. I felt tremendous relief that my love would be safe.

  I glowed an iridescent silver and my fangs were obscene. Silver and golden scales covered my bulky frame. The Shelia had sharp golden tusks and was basically a shimmering gold death machine. The Reggie and The Bob were similar in color and size—a glittery teal and silver with rows and rows of sharp pointy teeth. They stood about nine feet tall and had claws like I’d never seen. I was the largest by far, but my friends were nothing to scoff at.

  “Martha and Jane,” I growled at The Bob. “Protect them.”

  “Yesssssss,” he snarled as he gently picked up the old bats in his lethally clawed hands, sprinted them into a cell and covered them with his large sparkling body.

  Thankfully the old women continued to spew the words and the four real Fairies still writhed in anguish on the ground. Kicking them into an empty cell, I charged the two who still stood.

  “You will die,” the one in the front screamed as he began to morph into something.

  What he was going to morph into, none of us would ever find out. He and his buddy never had a chance to complete their change. With a horrifying shrill giggle that would stay with me until the end of time, my Guardian Angel did her thing.

  “Hungry,” Susu bellowed, sounding far larger than her three inches.

  The sound of her deranged voice bounced off the walls of the dungeon and I literally cringed. My huge deadly monster cringed in fright about what was clearly about to occur. What happened next? I wasn’t exactly positive. It was such a bloody shitshow that a violent nausea overtook me. I turned away quickly, as did The Reggie and The Shelia. The Bob was lucky that he was in a cell with the Vampyres. The sounds alone were so gag-inducing that I dropped to my knees and shifted back to my human form. I was afraid if my monster hurled there was a possibility that I would flood the entire dungeon.

  The Kev had warned me about watching this particular talent of my Mini-Elf, but he simply had not done it justice. It was almost paralyzing because it was so revolting.

  “Oh fuck,” The Sheila gasped out also in her human form, covering her mouth with her hands.

  The Reggie had gone ghost white and clutched his stomach. He too had shifted back.

  Susu? She was having a ball if the gleeful slurping and bone crunching were anything to go by. The shifty guards? Not so much if their screams of terror were any indication. It was a really bad fucking way to die, but it was us or them… and my Mini-Elf was hungry.

  And then there was silence. Blessed silence.

  The Shelia grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard. “What the Hell just happened?” she choked out.

  I couldn’t speak yet. I was still on the verge of losing my large breakfast. Shaking my head, I shrugged helplessly. It was the best I could do at the moment.

  The Reggie was still gagging but successfully holding back the bile. However, the four Fairy guards that I’d kicked into a cell were not as fortunate. They were a disgusting mess. I supposed between the words and the visuals of Susu’s snack time they’d lost their cookies.

  “What in the ever-loving Hellfire did I just eat?” Susu asked, completely perplexed. “They tasted like shit. I mean really fucking bad. Definitely not Fairies.”

  “You don’t have any clue what the species was?” I asked with a shudder, still reliving the last ten minutes.

  “Nope,” she replied, looking as if she’d just stepped out of a salon even though she’d just ingested two enormous guards—not a hair out of place. “All I can say is they tasted like hot ass in a garbage dump… in Hell… in July.”

  “Demons?” I pressed. I’d eaten a Demon a few years back in my monster form and it had been hideous.

  “Not Demon,” Susu said. “I know Demon—kinda salty. Those slimy buttbaskets were total ass with some toe fungus thrown in.”

  The absurdity of all of it made me laugh. Hard. It might have been hysterical laughter bordering on a mini-breakdown, but I was completely on edge at the moment. This was my life?

  Pulling a plan out of my ass had definitely bitten me in the ass.

  “The Kev,” I gasped out, remembering why we were here.

  Standing, I waved my hand and dissolved the protection wall. Moving faster than the human eye could detect, I now stood in front of the nightmare the love of my life had been trapped in.

  “No,” I snarled as I tried to bend the bars of the cell to get to him. My hands burned since the bars were iron, but I didn’t give a damn. The pain felt good. However, the bars wouldn’t budge.

  The Kev was bound in iron and his eyes were swollen shut. Blood was everywhere, but I could see his chest moving in labored fits and starts as he tried to get air into his lungs.

  “I can’t get to him,” I cried out as I tried harder. “Help me.”

  “Keys,” The Reggie shouted at the agonized Fairy guards. “Give me the keys.”

  “Never,” one of them snarled. “The Dark rules Zanthia and will soon rule the world. That Fairy is a Demon traitor. He dies at sundown.”

  “Never. Never. Never,” the guards chanted. “Die traitors.”

  “Never is a very long time,” The Reggie snapped, furious. “Martha. Jane. Come and speak to your fans. NOW!”

  “Mother fucking biscuit humper in creamy slacks,” Jane shouted, pointing at the now sobbing guards. “You tell me
right now where the creamy biscuit keys are or I will tattoo a pair of assless polyester slacks on your forehead. You feel me, creamy buttsnatch biscuits?”

  “You heard the biscuit lover,” Martha grunted with her fangs on display. “And I’ll do her one better. I’ll butter your butthole with some creamy, creamy, moist, creamy, boiling creamy wax and shove your slacks up your ass. WHERE ARE THE FUCKING BISCUIT KEYS?”

  “No keys,” one cried out holding his head like it was about to explode. “Words. Words are the key.”

  “What words?” I ground out as I approached their cell. “Tell me the words and you’ll die quickly. Hold back and you will be the palate cleanser for my Mini-Elf.”

  “I am still hungry,” Susu announced with an evil little smirk.

  The Fairies on the floor stared up at me in shock.

  “My Queen?” one hissed with pure venom in his voice as the others snarled and spit at me.

  When I’d shifted, I’d forgotten my disguise—at least I was dressed. Speaking with authority would have been a little difficult in the buff. However, the fact that they recognized me didn’t matter since they wouldn’t be leaving this place alive. My secret was safe.

  “Not your Queen. Never your Queen. Never. Never. Never,” I said coldly, repeating their mantra. Their auras were the blackest I’d ever seen. No redemption there. “Tell me the words.”

  “Die bitch Queen,” they chanted in unison.

  Nice.

  “Martha? Jane? Can you give me a hand here?” I asked, stepping back and ushering the profane nutjobs over.

  “We’ve got this, Hairy Peen,” Martha said with a cackle.

  “Creamy biscuits. Biscuits creamy. Creamy moist biscuits wearing slaaaaaaaacks. Biscuits. Biscuits. Biscuits. CREAMY!” Jane sang as Martha twerked in rhythm with the horrid words.

  “Open sesame,” the one in the front screamed as he tried to crawl forward and go for me. I didn’t have to do a thing since the other three guards viciously attacked him for giving up the secret.