Fashionably Fabulous

by Robyn Peterman

  “Yep. Very, very, very attractive.”

  “Is she taken? A true beauty like The Shelia surely has many admirers,” he said, not quite sure how to handle the fabulous news.

  “Is she really your true mate?” I asked.

  He nodded his head and I felt The Shelia squirm underneath me since he hadn’t uttered the words aloud.

  “Would you like me to help this along?” I asked, enjoying myself so much it was crazy.

  “Would you?” The Dave asked, looking so hopeful I almost felt bad about what I was about to do. But not that bad.

  “Nothing would make me happier,” I said as I hopped off the blanket mound on the bed, pulling the quilts off with me.

  The Shelia was curled up in a ball with her eyes closed. I’d bet all the gold in Zanthia she was hoping that if she couldn’t see us, we couldn’t see her. However, that wasn’t how that game worked.

  “I will burn all of your Prada for this,” The Shelia threatened with her eyes still tightly shut.

  “Dude, that’s harsh,” I said with a laugh. “The Shelia. The Dave. My work here is done. Why don’t you guys hang out and have a nice chat. Since I’m knocked up at the moment, I’m starving and need food. Have fun,” I yelled over my shoulder as I sprinted out of the room.

  But before I left, I did see The Dave give me a thumbs up and a smile so beautiful it made me tingle.

  Stuff was going really well for me today. I just hoped my run of luck continued.

  Peeking out from behind the curtains, I caught my lip between my teeth and tried to stay calm. My stomach felt like it was hosting a high school marching band on Homecoming night and everyone was wasted—especially the band. My pockets were filled with flaky circle bread for back up since I was constantly hungry. My Dirty Diana disguise was in place and holding.

  The Kev was in front of the curtain setting up the mics and everything backstage was bustling. Miraculously, The Jennifer and the others seemed to know a lot about putting on a concert.

  “Do you need any help?” I asked her as she adjusted the huge speakers on the stage.

  “No, my Queen,” she said with a thumbs up. “We’ve got this.”

  Giving her what I hoped looked like a smile full of confidence, I nodded and went back to covertly observing what was going on out front.

  The Kev’s Ben disguise was awesome and he casually cased the enormous audience while pretending to be doing a sound check. He knew these people better than I did, but I could easily spot the Trolls. They were congregated together on the left side of the auditorium looking bored out of their minds.

  “Enjoy your life for a few more minutes, fuckers,” I whispered to the monsters even though they couldn’t hear me.

  The Dave sat on the far right, surrounded by the Light Court. I could only assume that the Gray Court was in the middle. That made it all slightly easier, but once the shit hit the fan it would be impossible to tell who was Light, Dark or Gray.

  “Holy Hell, there are lots of Fairies out there,” The Shelia said, sporting her goth look as she peeked out at the crowd. “Are Martha and Jane actually any good?”

  The excitement in the huge auditorium bordered on hero worship hysteria. I shrugged. “No clue—never heard them sing. But if the rabid crowd is anything to go by, I’d have to say yes.”

  “Fairies are basically tone deaf,” The Shelia pointed out.

  “All of them?” I asked, remembering Astrid telling me I was butchering Michael Jackson… maybe I was.

  “All of them. Where’s the band?” she asked, glancing around backstage.

  “No band.”

  “They sing without music?” The Shelia asked, wrinkling her nose.

  “Nope, they sing with a track. The Bob took it to the sound booth.”

  “Similar to karaoke?” she asked with a laugh.

  “Not similar to karaoke. Exactly like karaoke,” I replied with an eye roll.

  “Dear God,” The Shelia said. “What are they singing?”

  “Again, no clue. They told me it was a surprise.”

  “As long as Jane doesn’t have another leftover stinker from her human life, I don’t care what they sing.”

  “I feel you,” I shot back with a shudder. “Where are they?”

  “In the makeup room, transforming themselves into drag queens,” The Shelia said with a raised brow. “It’s really scary. I wouldn’t go back there if I were you.”

  “You’re not me,” I told her with a grin. “I need to make sure they’re clear on what they have to do.”

  “Good luck,” she called out as I walked away.

  “Wait.” I stopped and turned back to her. “How did it go with The Dave?”

  Her grin almost split her beautiful face. “He wants to court me.”

  “That’s kind of old-fashioned,” I said with a giggle.

  “We’re old.” She shrugged and laughed.

  Shaking my head and smiling, I headed for the dressing room and prayed the old freaks hadn’t gone too wild with the makeup. The only piece missing right now was Susu. She still hadn’t returned. It was worrisome, but the mission had several parts. My fingers were crossed that she’d succeeded. What I had planned could still work, but it would be a far stronger offense if all the parts were in place. The puzzle was complicated and I wasn’t too proud to ask for help.

  My people and my family’s lives were at stake. Nothing was more important than that.

  Nothing.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “No fucking way,” I muttered as my eyes went wide at the horrifying makeup job the gals had done on themselves. They made Bette Davis in Look What Happened to Baby Jane look like a freakin’ pro. Jane had more lipstick on her teeth than her mouth and Martha’s enhanced eyebrows looked like she had a family reunion of hairy caterpillars on her forehead. It was not attractive. They needed all the help they could get on a normal day.

  “Scary Bean,” Martha shouted when she noticed me standing in the room with my mouth wide open. “How’s it hangin’?”

  “Little heavy on the makeup there, huh?” I inquired, trying to be polite.

  “Nah,” Jane grunted, lining her mouth with a lime green pencil that I was pretty sure wasn’t meant for lips. “Gotta wear a little extra so the bastards in the back row can see my sexy mug.”

  “Interesting,” I replied vaguely since anything I had to offer wouldn’t be that nice. “You are aware of the plan? After the first song, you will introduce the video retrospective of your career. Once I take my true form, you are to leave the stage and take cover. Right?”

  “I hear you,” Jane said, cagily.

  “That’s a non-answer,” I replied, narrowing my eyes at the old biddies.

  “We can fight,” Martha said.

  “I know you can, but this is my fight, and I will not risk your lives. Am I clear?”

  “As mud,” Jane mumbled.

  I stared at the old women and debated having them come onto the stage at all. I was deadly serious about them not risking themselves. But there was more I needed to tell them. As difficult as it would be, I needed them to know.

  “Can I say something to you guys?”

  “About the fart?” Jane asked.

  “No.”

  “About how sexy we look?” Martha inquired.

  “Umm… no.”

  “About signing up for our twerking class?” Jane tried again.

  “Definitely, no,” I said. “I want to thank you.”

  “What?” Martha barked, confused.

  Grabbing a chair and looking back and forth between them, I smiled. I had to keep my eyes on their noses because the rest of the real estate on their faces was so grossly over made up that I was afraid I would laugh.

  “I need to tell you this in case tonight doesn’t go like it’s supposed to.” Taking a deep breath, I let my real feelings rip. “I love both of you.”

  “Are you high?” Jane asked, concerned.

  “No. I’m not high.”

&n
bsp; “Drunk?” Martha suggested, squinting at me.

  “No. Not drunk. Now shut your cakeholes and listen to me.”

  The sat mutely and stared at me like I’d grown another head.

  “I think you’re both insane, profane and not quite right in the head,” I told them.

  “Thank you, Hairy Queen,” Martha said.

  “Zip it,” I warned with a laugh. They were making this much more difficult than it had to be, but I should have figured this was how it would roll. “I want you to know how I feel about you. I love you. I think both of you are brave and wonderful. I’m proud to call you my friends and you will have my protection for eternity.”

  “What the ever-lovin’ fuck?” Martha shouted, glancing around the room. “Are we being punked? Is that sexy little nugget of love, Ashton Kutcher, here?”

  “No. You are not being punked,” I said with an eye roll.

  “When you say love…” Jane pondered aloud. “Do you mean the gay kind of Fairy love or just plain love?”

  “Oh my God,” I muttered as I stared at the ceiling and told myself it would be really bad form to zap their idiot asses right after I’d told them I loved them. “The plain kind of love,” I ground out, trying to smile.

  “Well, thank Jesus in a sequined thong for that,” Jane said. “I thought you were hittin’ on us. I mean, I know we’re hot, but we’re also mated, Hairy Peen.”

  Nodding because I had no words left, I gave each of them a quick hug and made a run for the door.

  “Wait,” Martha yelled, seconds before I made my escape.

  “What?” I asked, slowly turning around and expecting more appalling things to fly from their mouths.

  What I witnessed was so horrifyingly moving I’d never be able to explain it to anyone—besides no one would ever believe me. Both of the old freaks were crying and Vamps cried blood. The mounds of makeup on their faces were now a runny and bloody disaster. I wasn’t quite positive but Jane might have been drooling she was so overcome. And Martha? She was a hot mess of so many colors I couldn’t even make out her features.

  “Oh shit,” I gasped out. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m so sorry.”

  “Shut the fuck up, Larry Spleen,” Jane sobbed. “That was the nicest goddamned thing anyone has ever said to us.”

  “Fucking A,” Martha grunted as she swiped at her tears and screwed up her disastrous makeup job to the point she was truly unrecognizable. “We love you too, Hairy Bean.”

  “So you’re okay?” I asked.

  “As long as you’re not trying to move in on Lizard’s territory, then we’re good,” Jane assured me with a thumbs up.

  “I wouldn’t think of it,” I said, shaking my head in defeat.

  “Should we hug it out?” Martha asked, still a little confused about what had just gone down.

  “Maybe not,” I said.

  “Absolutely,” Jane shouted and came at me like a bat out of Hell with Martha on her heels.

  So we hugged. We hugged for about five minutes and then I had to pry them off of me. It was one of the most terrifyingly wonderful moments of my life. However, I wasn’t going to repeat it any time soon.

  “Remember, one song and then you introduce the video of your rise to the top,” I reminded them. “And be ready to remove the collars when I tell you to.”

  “Roger that,” they said in unison as they came in for a second hug.

  It lasted two minutes longer than the first one, but somehow I didn’t mind.

  “May I ask what happened to your shirt?” The Reggie inquired.

  “Martha and Jane,” I said, looking down at the rainbow of colors smeared all over my Michael Jackson concert tee.

  “I see.” His smile was adorable and his laugh made me happy. “I will be on the floor with The Bob working security for the girls… and you.”

  “Good. The Gus and The Henry?”

  “The Gus is in the sound booth ready to drop the film screen down after Martha and Jane’s first song. The Henry is at the back of the room ready to alert the Light Fairies when to storm the Palace.”

  “Not sure if bringing in the Light Fairies is a good idea,” I said, internally debating the safety and the merit of having them fight.

  “I’d have to agree with you but they insist on having your back,” The Reggie replied. “As do I.”

  “Outstanding. Earplugs?”

  “They have been distributed to the inner circle. Are you sure you want to do this, my Queen?” he asked, carefully.

  “Which part?” I asked, knowing exactly what he was referring to.

  “The part where you show our people your death.” His face was pale and his concern for me was abundantly obvious. “You saw it yesterday. Can you withstand it again?”

  His question was a fair one. I’d thought long and hard about it. It happened. It was in the past. There was absolutely nothing I could do to change it no matter how much I might want to.

  I’d missed out on hundreds of years with The Kev because of my sister’s insanity and my Queendom had all but gone to Hell in a knockoff handbag.

  Zanthia was now unknowingly in the clutches of the Trolls.

  However, if my fate hadn’t played out as it did then I would have never known Astrid, or Tiara, or even Martha and Jane… and I wouldn’t have Mina either.

  And would Billie Jean have come into The Kev’s and my life together? I had no answer for that one.

  “The Reggie,” I said, taking his hands in mine. “I have a choice here. I can let my past define me and trap me in its web, or I can own it and put it behind me. I need to prove without a doubt that I did not sign a law banning Demons. It affects the lives of my family now, so it’s personal, plus it’s flat out wrong. It’s pretty simple. And the fucking Trolls have to go.”

  “It’s not simple at all,” he said. “The Jewel would be so proud of you.”

  “I hope so.”

  “I know so,” he said, giving me a hug.

  There was no time to bask in my mother’s memory. Someday I would be reunited with her but that was not going to be today.

  “Are you able to tell the Gray Fairies from the Dark?” I asked.

  “By sight? No,” he said. “I know the allegiance of many out there because I’m personally acquainted with them. But to tell by physical appearance? Impossible.”

  It was what I had thought. However, once I dropped the disguise I could read their auras. Reading thousands of auras at the same time was going to be tricky, which was why I had a plan B. “Okay. Am I correct that the Light are on the right, Gray in the middle, and Dark on the left?”

  The Reggie peeked through the curtain and nodded. “Yes.”

  “Are they separated by the aisles or are some crossing over?”

  The Reggie examined the audience for a few minutes and then let the opening in the curtain fall closed. “Separated by aisles. The different factions don’t mix unless they choose to change color.”

  “Does anyone go back to Light from Gray?” I asked.

  The Reggie smiled. “I did. It was difficult but it can be done. The Gus and The Henry also crossed back. The Bob never left the Light. He is quite special.”

  “I think you’re pretty damned special too.”

  “The feeling is very mutual, my Queen,” he whispered. “Very mutual indeed.”

  “Take your place, The Reggie, and may God be with you,” I said, kissing his cheek.

  With a curt nod and a thumbs up, he left.

  Where in the Hell was Susu? The concert was due to start. I would be devastated if something had happened to her. That was not in the plan at all.

  “Ohmyfuckinggorgeousness,” a tiny voice squeaked just before a red-headed, green-eyed and freckled Mini-Elf that wasn’t my Guardian Angel zipped by me.

  “You said she was beautiful but you didn’t do her justice,” another unfamiliar voice squealed.

  This one was equally as lovely with skin as black as night, chocolate-colored eyes and a shock of wild b
lue hair on her tiny head.

  “She’s mine,” Susu hissed. “You can look at her, but if you touch her, I will pull each and every one of your hairs out of your head—one strand at a time. I’m serious bee-otches.”

  “Such a drama mama,” the redhead complained and dove at Susu.

  Grabbing all three of them out of midair before a Mini-Elf smackdown could ensue, I eyed them. “Who did you bring back here, Susu?” I asked sternly. “And can they behave themselves? I have no time for bullshit and bad behavior right now. You feel me?”

  “I’m Huhu,” the small redhead announced with a little midair curtsy.

  “And I’m Lulu,” the blue-haired Mini-Elf informed me with a wink. “I’m the prettiest of them all.”

  “It’s nice to meet you. I take it you were born without the humility gene either,” I said, glancing over at Susu.

  “Correct,” Lulu said, beaming like a tiny crazy person.

  “Have you ever eaten a Troll?”

  “No, but I’m game even though Susu said they taste like Hell,” Huhu said, pursing her lips in disgust.

  “Nooooooo,” Susu corrected her with an enormous eye roll for such a tiny thing. “I said, they tasted like hot ass in a garbage dump… in Hell… in July.”

  “Same diff,” Lulu snapped.

  “Not even close,” Susu grumbled.

  I was very glad that I had only been assigned one Mini-Elf Guardian Angel. If I’d had to deal with these three on a regular basis there was no telling what I would do.

  “Did you get the message to Astrid?” I asked Susu.

  “Are Mini-Elves the hottest creature in the Universe?” she asked with a giggle as her buddies nodded their tiny heads vigorously.

  “And?” I asked with an eye roll of my own.

  “She will make it happen. The secret password is Susu is the sexiest. Say it three times,” she informed me.

  “Is that a joke?” I demanded.

  “Umm… no?” she replied, not liking the fact that pops of gold glitter were now exploding around my head.

  “You truly told them the cue to attack was Susu is the sexiest? Seriously? Susu is the sexiest?”

  “I couldn’t remember what you had told me, so I made something up. I think it works,” she said, getting ready to whack herself in the head.