Schmidt Happens

by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

  He goes, ‘That’s because you’re never around me any more.’

  ‘Well,’ Magnus goes, ‘perhapsh we haff to acshept that there ish a reashon for that.’

  Oisinn’s like, ‘What are you saying, Magnus? Come on, spit it out!’

  And Magnus looks him in the eye and goes, ‘I’m shaying, Oisinn, that our marriage ish over!’

  8.

  How to Style a Surgical Collar!

  So – yeah, no – I’m in the cor with Sorcha on the way to collect the boys from Montessori when JP rings.

  He goes, ‘Hey, Ross.’

  And I’m like, ‘Dude, how the hell are you?’ because I haven’t heard a word from him since the Trade and Innovation Show in the RDS. ‘I’ve got you on speaker and Sorcha is in the cor …’

  So keep it clean.

  He goes, ‘How’s Oisinn?’

  And I’m like, ‘I presume you heard the news? Magnus has left him – for Facebook.’

  ‘Yeah, Christian told me. Poor Oisinn.’

  I’m there, ‘Where are you, by the way?’

  ‘Yeah, no,’ he goes, ‘that’s actually the reason I’m ringing. I’m at the airport. I’m on the way to Moscow.’

  ‘Moscow? The one in, em –?’

  ‘The one in Russia, yeah. It turns out that Fyodor is, like, super-serious about acquiring the patent for the bed.’

  ‘I thought you weren’t interested in selling it? I thought it was your way of, like, honouring your old man?’

  ‘I thought about it. I mean, I could spend the next ten years of my life dragging it around from trade fair to trade fair, selling the odd one here or there. EZ Living in Sandyford have said they’ll take five on sale or return. But what Fyodor is talking about is mass-production. He’s talking about selling it all over the world.’

  ‘Why do you need to go to Moscow, though?’

  ‘He wants me to meet his boss.’

  I don’t know why, but I get an instantly bad feeling about it.

  I’m like, ‘Dude, are you sure it’s safe? How do you know you can even trust this goy?’

  He goes, ‘Your old man knows him.’

  ‘Yeah, I wouldn’t consider that any kind of character reference. Hang on, didn’t Fyodor already threaten to kill you? And your son? I mean, I heard that with my own ears.’

  ‘He said that was just a joke, Ross. Apparently, Russians have a very dork sense of humour. Hey, my flight’s about to board here. I’ll talk to you soon.’

  And with that, he hangs up.

  I turn right onto Sandford Road. I’m there, ‘I have a really bad feeling about this.’

  Not about Sandford Road. It’s in Dublin 6, but aport from that, there’s very little wrong with it. The bad feeling I have is that I’m never going to see JP again.

  But Sorcha’s there, ‘I’m sure he’ll be fine, Ross,’ and she puts her hand on my leg and says she really enjoyed that earlier – that meaning the sex we had?

  Yeah, no, Fionn took Hillary to – get this – a Daddy and Baby Dance Porty in the Town Hall in Dalkey, while her old pair went into town – her old man is checking out semi-furnished office space available to let in the Distillers Building in Smithfield – and me and Sorcha celebrated by riding ourselves bow-legged on the floor of the kitchen.

  We pull up outside Little Cambridge and we get out of the cor. As we’re walking to the door, Sorcha reaches for my hand. I can’t remember the last time we held hands in public. She gives me a sort of sideways smile, then gives my hand a little squeeze and goes, ‘Oh my God, we are so smug!’

  And I’m there, ‘I know – what are we like?’

  Sasha gives us a big smile when she sees us. She’s like, ‘Brian, Johnny, Leo – your mom and dad are here!’

  Sorcha goes, ‘How did they do today?’

  Sasha’s there, ‘They did great. They’ve fit in so well here.’

  We both just smile and raise our eyebrows and wait for her to say something else. You don’t pay five hundred yoyos per week per child for them to just fit in.

  I’m there, ‘I think what Sorcha meant was how are they doing in terms of, like, achievements?’

  She seems to find this hilarious. ‘I wouldn’t expect to identify their unique gifts in just a few weeks,’ she goes. ‘It’s something that takes time. Although Brian and Leo seem really drawn to ort.’

  ‘Ort?’ Sorcha goes.

  Sasha’s like, ‘Yeah, come and see,’ and she leads us over to a table where – yeah, no – the two boys are sitting quietly and drawing on paper with colouring pencils.

  I take a look over their shoulders and I have to admit that I end up struggling to hide my disappointment. Brian is drawing a picture of Santa Claus – fock’s sake, it’s June – and Leo is drawing a picture of – worse – two soccer men. I don’t want to be too critical but – honestly? – they’re both shit.

  Sorcha goes, ‘Oh my God, Ross, look at what they’ve drawn!’

  ‘Santa!’ Brian goes.

  And Sorcha’s like, ‘Yes, Santa! We might even send this to him along with your list this year!’

  Sorcha is one of those South Dublin mothers – if her kid pissed on the floor of the Vatican, she’d be looking for evidence of genius in the splash patterns. I’m not as fast and loose with the compliments, of course.

  I’m there, ‘Come on, boys, let’s hit the road,’ because I’m double-porked outside. I find Johnny. He’s playing with a bucket of building blocks – no evidence of genius to report there either. I pick him up and Sorcha takes Brian and Leo by the hand.

  Sasha goes, ‘Do you want to bring their drawings home?’

  And I’m there, ‘No, I don’t think we’ll bother, Sasha. I honestly don’t see what you see when I look at them.’

  But at the exact same time, Sorcha goes, ‘We’d love to! We’ll put them on the fridge, won’t we, boys?’

  We step outside. All I can hear are cor horns beeping. Like I said, I porked in the middle of the road with the hazards on and the traffic is backed up all the way to the end of Elmwood Avenue and presumably Ranelagh Main Street. They keep leaning on their horns even while me and Sorcha are trying to strap the boys into their booster seats, so I stand behind the cor and give them the middle finger of both hands, then I make sure to take my time driving away – putting on my seatbelt, checking my mirrors, indicating to pull out, all the shit they tell you to do when you first take up driving.

  ‘Mom,’ Leo goes, ‘can we play football when we go home?’

  And I’m like, ‘No, you can’t. I burst that soccer ball that your grandmother bought you and I stuck it in the focking bin.’

  I carry on driving. I’m suddenly in foul form. I’m remembering the drawing that other kid did of Christchurch Cathedral and I’m thinking, Why are we wasting our money sending these three – I’m sorry – but dopes to a place like Little Cambridge?

  Then I hear Sorcha whisper something. ‘Ross,’ she goes, ‘can you hear that?’

  And I’m like, ‘No,’ because all I can hear is the dude behind me in a silver Volkswagen Passat, still leaning on his horn because I’m deliberately driving at ten miles per hour to basically piss him off.

  ‘It’s the boys!’ Sorcha goes. ‘Oh my God, Ross, they’ve stopped swearing!’

  I’m watching Ronan from across the room and I can’t tell you how proud I am of my son.

  He’s going, ‘Where does it hoort?’

  And the woman sitting opposite him is like, ‘In me neck.’

  ‘Wheerabouts in yisser neck, but?’

  ‘All oaber me neck.’

  He’s wearing – believe it or not – a shirt and tie and he’s sitting behind a desk in the Citizens Advice Bureau above the vape shop on Mellowes Road. It makes me actually happy that this is how he’s choosing to spend his summer, helping people in his own local community.

  ‘And ted me again,’ he goes, ‘when did it happidden?’

  The woman’s like, ‘Abourra munt ago. I was on the bus and I was stan
ton up to the press the beddle cos me stop was cubbing up, so it was. The thriver hit the brakes and I went floying forwoods.’

  ‘Did you say athin to the thriver at the toyum? Did you complayun to him?’

  ‘I ditn’t, no.’

  ‘So it was oatently, what, a munt later that yisser neck steerted hoorting you?’

  ‘That’s reet. But Ine in agony wirrit now, so I am. So do you think I’ve a case?’

  ‘It sowunts veddy like it to me, Mrs Muddigan.’

  ‘Calt me Brentha.’

  ‘Brentha, so. What Ine godda suggest to you is get yisser self to A&E and get a coddar on that neck of yooers. And hee-or’s a list of locaddle solicitodders who look arthur personoddle injurdoddy claiyums on a no win, no fee basis.’

  ‘Thanks,’ the woman goes – then she focks off.

  Ronan presses the button and the counter changes to thirty-four.

  He goes, ‘Thoorty-foe-er! Who’s number thoorty-foe-er?’

  I’m number thirty-four. I stand up and I’m like, ‘That’d be me!’

  And it’s the first time he notices me in the waiting room.

  He’s there, ‘Ah, howiya, Rosser? What the bleaten hell are you doing here?’

  I’m like, ‘I just popped in to see how you were getting on,’ and I sit down in the seat opposite him. ‘Very well seems to be the answer to that question. I’ve been listening to you for the past twenty minutes.’

  ‘Ine lubbin it, Rosser, so I am. I caddent ted you how much it meadens to be gibbon sometin back to the commudity.’

  ‘Can I just ask you, though, is it just people who’ve sustained whiplash injuries or tripped over things or had things fall on top of them?’

  ‘Mostly, Rosser, yeah.’

  ‘How’s Rihanna-Borgan?’

  ‘She’s getting big. Big and bowult. How’s the boyuz?’

  ‘You’re not going to believe this, but they’ve stopped actually swearing.’

  ‘You’re pudding me woyer!’

  ‘I’m not pulling anything. Remember I was telling you about this very expensive Montessori we’re sending them to in Ranelagh? I don’t know what goes on in there, but I literally haven’t heard them use a bad word in a week. And they’ve stopped kicking the shit out of each other as well.’

  ‘Where are thee, Rosser? Are thee not wit you?’

  ‘Yeah, no, I left them outside in the cor. I just thought there’d probably be a fair a bit of effing and blinding in here and it might trigger a relapse. How did your exams go, by the way?’

  He goes, ‘Ah, thee went moostard, so thee did.’

  ‘And what about Huguette? What’s she up to for the summer? Not that I give a fock?’

  ‘I doatunt know. I, er, habn’t hoord from her.’

  Something’s up. I see it in his face. I know my son better than I nearly know myself.

  I’m like, ‘Something’s wrong. I know it just looking at you.’

  He sighs. He knows he can’t hide anything from his old man. He goes, ‘I ended up with wood of her mates, Rosser.’

  I’m like, ‘You did what?’

  ‘Her best mate, as a mathor of fact. A boord called Racher Doddle.’

  ‘I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess you’re saying Rachel?’

  ‘It was the night we were all out cedebraton fidishing eer exaddoms. There’s been a birra fleerting between me and Racher Doddle oaber the last few munts. Then, that night, we weddent back to her place …’

  ‘Does Huguette know?’

  ‘No, she dudn’t.’

  ‘You better hope it stays like that. You saw what she did to poor Phinneas.’

  ‘That’s why Ine detormiddened that she’s nebber godda foyunt out.’

  ‘Well, good luck with that,’ I go, then I stand up. ‘I’d better hit the road.’

  I walk back to the cor. The boys are sitting in the back of the cor. There isn’t a peep out of them. It’s going to take a lot of getting used to.

  ‘Daddy,’ Leo goes, ‘can we go to McDonald’s?’

  And I’m like, ‘Of course we can go to McDonald’s! Just let me think where’s the nearest one to home that we haven’t already been thrown out of. It might have to be Bray, of all places.’

  ‘McDonald’s!’ Johnny goes – and the three of them clap their hands together with the excitement of it all. And I have to say, I love them like this. It doesn’t even bother me that they’re focking useless at everything. They’re actually bearable to be around.

  Sorcha says she has a surprise for me.

  She goes, ‘Take a left at the end of the road.’

  It’s, like, date night and we’re in the cor, but where we’re heading is an actual mystery. She’s all chat, though. She goes, ‘I was saying to Fionn this morning that it might be time for Hillary to move out of our room and into the nursery.’

  I’m like, ‘Yeah, no, that’d be great.’

  ‘Things are finally coming together – do you think that as well, Ross?’

  ‘As in?’

  ‘As in, the boys are behaving so well. It’s like living with three totally different children. Dad is back working – and him and Mom are saving for a place of their own, hopefully before the end of the year, although I’ve told them they can stay for as long as they want.’

  ‘You’re slipping that into the good news category, huh?’

  ‘And then me and you are getting on probably better than we ever have, don’t you think?’

  ‘Yeah, no, I suppose we are.’

  ‘There’s trust. But there’s also friendship. And we’re getting there with the sex as well!’

  ‘Do you not miss, Honor, though?’

  She’s like, ‘Sorry, what?’

  Seriously, that’s what she says.

  I’m there, ‘Er, your daughter? It’s just you never seem to mention her. It’s like she’s no longer a port of the family.’

  ‘That’s not true.’

  ‘Have you even spoken to her since she went?’

  ‘Erika keeps me up to date on all the things she’s been doing. I’ve watched one or two of the videos they’ve done.’

  ‘So you’re saying no?’

  ‘She doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with this fact, Ross, but Honor hates me.’

  ‘Hate is a very strong word.’

  ‘And God forgive me for saying this, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that everything in our lives seems to be suddenly falling into place now that she’s off the scene.’

  ‘That’s horsh.’

  ‘There’s peace in our home. You can’t deny that. Turn in here.’

  She wants me to pull into the cor pork next to Kingsland in Glasthule. I’m like, ‘Random,’ but I do it anyway and I find a porking space.

  She goes, ‘Okay, do you know where we are?’

  ‘Er, Glasthule?’

  ‘What used to be here, Ross?’

  And then the penny finally drops. I’m like, ‘The cinema?’

  She goes, ‘The Forum. Do you remember? This is where we had our first actual date.’

  ‘Was that not Eddie Rocket’s in Donnybrook?’

  ‘No, that was where I first plucked up the courage to talk to you. This was where we had our first, like, date date? Do you remember what movie we went to see?’

  ‘Was it Titanic?’

  ‘Er, that was, like, our fourth? I thought you’d remember that night of all nights. That was the night we both said “I love you” for the first time.’

  I remember I’d watched Titanic with another girl the night before and I had to pretend I didn’t know what happened at the end.

  She goes, ‘On our first date, we went to see Jerry Maguire!’

  I’m like, ‘Yeah, no, I remember now.’

  I don’t. Like I said, I had a lot of names on my dance cord around that time.

  ‘So here’s the surprise,’ she goes, then she reaches across me and presses the little button that pushes my seat right
back.

  She goes, ‘Just give me a second,’ and she reaches around and takes a blanket off the back seat. Then she pushes her own seat back and spreads the blanket over us. We’re both just lying there, staring at the ceiling of the cor. Then she storts fiddling with her phone.

  ‘I bought this, like, thing,’ she goes, ‘that lets you turn your phone into a projector.’

  Suddenly – yeah, no, she’s right – a picture appears above us and we stort watching the movie. And I’m going to be honest with you, it’s actually very nice. It also takes me back, even though I don’t actually remember seeing the movie with her?

  She goes, ‘Do you remember I said I’d love a little boy like the boy with the glasses and you said it’d never happen if we ended up together because you had perfect vision and if that’s what I wanted then –’

  She stops talking. We’re both suddenly thinking about Hillary, the poor little half-blind thing.

  She goes, ‘I’m sorry, Ross, I didn’t mean –’

  I’m like, ‘It’s cool, Sorcha. In a weird way, I’m actually storting to get my head around it.’

  She smiles at me. It’s actually really nice lying there in the cor. She goes, ‘I love you, Ross.’

  And I go, ‘I love you, Sorcha,’ and even though it’s not the first time I’ve said it since we got back together, it’s the first time I’ve genuinely meant it.

  The kid’s up on the screen going, ‘Thid you know the human brain weighth eighth pounth?’

  And I’m there, ‘Jesus, he talks like Christian and Lauren’s little lad!’

  Sorcha laughs, in fairness to her, and tells me I’m terrible and that’s when my phone suddenly rings. I whip it out of my pocket and I can see that it’s Honor.

  I swear to God, Sorcha goes, ‘Don’t answer it.’

  I’m there, ‘It’s Honor, though.’

  ‘Ring her back later. When we get home. Ross, this is supposed to be our time.’

  I’m like, ‘Just pause the movie. I can’t believe you’re not excited that she’s ringing.’

  I answer the phone. I’m like, ‘Hey, Honor!’

  She goes, ‘Hey, Dad. What are you doing?’

  ‘Watching Jerry Maguire.’

  ‘Oh my God, Mom never shuts up about that movie. That was what you went to see on your first date, by the way.’