Reckless

by Gemma Rogers

  Watching his face as he drove, he looked calm and peaceful, but what was hiding beneath?

  21

  When we got to Reigate Hill, there were only a handful of cars in the car park, most likely people scared off from the weather warning. It hadn’t started to properly rain yet, but I’d brought my waterproof coat just in case.

  In the café, I bought two hot chocolates in takeaway cups. Nicky stood beside me in the queue, pulling faces at a baby in a pushchair as I looked on. The pinch of my heart caused me physical pain, as though it was in a mincer and he was turning the handle. I looked away, zipping my purse back and forth whilst I waited for my change. It was still raw, and I struggled to be around babies without tearing up.

  ‘You OK?’ Nicky slid his arm around me as we left. I tensed at his touch, grateful there was hardly anyone around to see us.

  ‘Fine,’ I replied.

  We walked for about twenty minutes before finding an area of grass on top of the hill where the surrounding trees were tall and thick, giving us some shelter from the elements, as well as privacy. It was a dry patch and out of the way of the mud, and Nicky laid out a blanket he’d had in the back of his car. As I sat, I wondered how many girls had been on it before.

  ‘Are you seeing anybody else?’ I blurted, as I sat down.

  ‘No,’ he smirked, amused by my question. ‘Are you jealous?’

  I shook my head, pulling a can of Coke out of the cool bag.

  ‘I’m sorry about earlier,’ he said.

  I turned to look at him, his eyes downcast.

  ‘I struggle with you going home to him and sleeping in his bed. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I want to be with you all the time and I’m jealous he gets to be.’

  I took Nicky’s hand before I replied, choosing my words carefully.

  ‘I’m sorry, Nicky, I get it, I do, and I want to be with you too.’ I almost added, ‘but this can’t last forever’, but something in Nicky’s eyes made me stop myself. Was he hoping I would leave David? Because I couldn’t. There was no way. I’d done a lot of thinking this week and though I was hooked on how Nicky made me feel, eventually the infatuation would end, and our lives would resume as they were before. I thought he understood this was temporary.

  We ate our picnic of sausage rolls, cheese, and cake, washed down with Coke. Laying back and staring at the sky, I felt content. I put my worries aside and enjoyed the moment, just being Izzy. Carefree Izzy, not a wife, not a mother.

  Rolling onto my side, I leaned in to kiss Nicky, but our kiss turned into a fumble and soon we were making love atop the hill as the sky desperately tried to rain on us. When it got to three o’clock, I told Nicky I had to return home. I hoped I’d get back before David. I didn’t want to have to explain where I’d been.

  Nicky held me tight in the car park, a little too tight, kissing me hard. His stubble was like sandpaper. I found it unnerving, having to pry him off me so I could get away.

  When I got in, the house was quiet and I showered and stripped Charlotte’s bed, replacing all of our sheets, and managed a quick spurt of housework. When they got home, I was waging war with a pile of ironing in front of the television. David carried in a large tray of pre-cooked lasagne which he put straight in the oven. Whenever he went to visit his parents, he always returned with food as if he wasn’t fed enough at home. He gave me a kiss and laid the table.

  ‘Lasagne OK for you? It was cooked yesterday so needs reheating. Be about twenty minutes,’ David called from the kitchen.

  ‘Sure,’ I replied, distracted by an exchange between two actors on the television.

  Charlotte disappeared upstairs under the proviso she was going to complete homework due in tomorrow. I finished off the ironing and was about to climb the stairs with the folded pile of clothes when David sneaked up behind me, slipping his arms around my waist.

  ‘Can we be friends?’

  ‘We are friends,’ I said, turning back to look at him. He winked and I had the impression he might try it on tonight. I’d need to feign a headache and pre-empt his advances unless I was going to ask who ‘Paul’ was. Put him on the spot and get him to admit he’d been elsewhere. Although it would mean having to face up to my own affair and I wasn’t sure that I could.

  I felt cheap, sneaking around with Nicky, and no matter how hard I scrubbed afterwards, I couldn’t wash the sin away. I still felt disgusted with myself later, but when Charlotte went to bed and David came upstairs, I didn’t reject him. When he kissed me, he felt so different to Nicky, like a comfy pair of shoes, so familiar. It was easy to have sex with him. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep the pretence up indefinitely. At some point I’d had to give in, and I couldn’t deny that I’d enjoyed the intimacy, more than I thought I would.

  Afterwards, as David lay snoring, I slipped out of bed to use the toilet. The security light was on outside and when I opened the window, unable to see through it because of the privacy glass, I was sure I saw Nicky’s car driving away from the house. Creeping downstairs, I checked the Motorola and there was a text from him.

  See you tomorrow. X

  I didn’t reply, plugging the phone in to charge as it was running out of battery. I wandered around the kitchen aimlessly, looking for something to do to fill the time whilst the battery charged. It was after eleven and I wanted to go to my warm bed but couldn’t risk leaving the phone out. I glanced at the photos on the fridge. One was missing. They’d been rearranged so the gap wasn’t obvious, but the one of David and I eating dinner in Mexico as the sun set behind us had disappeared. I loved that photo, taken on our honeymoon by the waiter. We were both so happy.

  Had Nicky taken it? I was concerned that he saw this as more serious than it was. That what we had was long-term. I wanted him to see it as a bit of fun. It would make ending it easier.

  It got to quarter to midnight and I was so tired I gave up when the phone was at fifty per cent and put it back in my bag.

  The following morning, David left a cup of tea and a note to tell me he loved me, by my bed, which I discovered on waking. Wracked with guilt, I couldn’t bear to drink it, instead getting my caffeine fix with instant coffee.

  I still felt unsettled when I got to school and didn’t involve myself in the chat about what went on at the weekend during form room. I was relieved when the bell rang out and the room was quiet once more. I stared at my lesson plan for the day but couldn’t absorb it. Since letting David back into my bed, I felt much worse about the deception. What sort of woman was I, sleeping with two men at once? On the same day.

  I switched the Motorola on and almost immediately a text came through from Nicky.

  I’m in the library

  I hesitated, not sure what to do, but another text quickly followed.

  Where are you?

  I gritted my teeth and switched the phone off, turning my attention back to lesson planning. I was not in the mood to be bossed about.

  Five minutes later, Nicky was at my door.

  ‘I’ve been waiting for you.’ His eyes narrowed.

  ‘I’ve been busy. I can’t just drop everything when it’s convenient for you,’ I snapped and saw his face darken for a second before his expression changed.

  ‘Can I help?’

  ‘No, I’m sorry. I need to finish this. Can we catch up later?’ I suggested, my heart sinking at his face. My feeling out of sorts wasn’t his fault.

  ‘Sure.’ He gave the back of my neck a squeeze, then fingered my earlobe. Brushing his thumb across the apple earring I’d put on this morning. Reminding me they were a gift, from him. I’d worn them, hoping it would pacify him when I reiterated that our arrangement was a casual one.

  The day started badly, and my lessons didn’t go particularly well. I forgot a student’s name in my ten o’clock lesson, something which I prided myself on rarely doing. In the next lesson, the entire class seemed sleepy and disinterested, causing me to snap and unintentionally reduce one of the girls to tears. It was one of those days where
I wished I’d stayed in bed.

  To minimise any further damage, I spent my lunch hour alone, trying to make sense of my jumbled thoughts. The knot in my stomach seemed to be growing larger. Perhaps it was time to end this short-lived affair and see if there was any possibility of David and I repairing our relationship? He’d been more attentive recently, maybe he was trying to take steps to bring us closer together? Regardless of that, I wasn’t sure how much longer would I be able to get away with it, because I was positive, regardless of David’s likely infidelity, if he found out, it would be the end of our marriage.

  After much soul-searching, I resolved to end things with Nicky the following afternoon. Charlotte would be at netball practice, so it was the perfect opportunity.

  After school, I convinced Charlotte to join me for a swim and we swung home to pick up her costume. It had been a little while since I’d been and it was great to get back into the water. We managed forty lengths in adjacent lanes. Charlotte was in a good mood, humming to herself constantly and unable to tear her eyes away from her phone in the car. She wouldn’t go into any details as to why she was so happy, which automatically made me think it was boy related. Did she have her first boyfriend? Was someone on the horizon? I made a mental note to keep my eyes peeled on playground duty.

  On the drive home, she asked to cook dinner again.

  ‘Absolutely, what are we having?’ I agreed with a grin.

  Charlotte rolled her eyes laughing at my enthusiasm. ‘The only thing I can cook.’

  ‘Pasta,’ we both blurted out at the same time and laughed. I tucked my hair behind my ear.

  ‘New earrings, Mum?’

  ‘Um yes, Stella sent them to me,’ I lied, instantly cringing, but Charlotte didn’t probe further.

  When we got in, Charlotte busied herself in the kitchen and I went upstairs to take the earrings out and put them away.

  ‘Ah we’re in for a treat tonight then, I see,’ David said, when he walked through the door later, on time for once. He held a bunch of gladioli out to me in yellow, white and orange, my favourite colour. I took them, inhaling their scent and giving David a kiss.

  ‘Thank you, they’re beautiful.’

  ‘Not as beautiful as you.’ He gave my behind a playful smack.

  ‘Gross, guys!’ came Charlotte’s disgusted voice from the kitchen, which resembled a bomb site.

  David noticed me frowning at the mess.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll clean it,’ he whispered into my ear as I arranged the flowers into a vase.

  Later, I escaped into the bathroom to check my messages from Nicky. I was well aware that he didn’t like to be kept waiting and because he’d turned up at the house before, I was concerned he’d do it again. Thankfully there was only one text.

  Wear your purple dress tomorrow

  I wasn’t sure what to make of the request, it sounded more like an order. Feeling my heckles rise, I text back.

  Why?

  Nicky replied a minute later.

  Because I said so

  I had to admit, it was a bit of a turn-on being told what to do, but I wasn’t going to sleep with him. Our meeting had one purpose and one outcome. It was time for it to end. I wasn’t sure what was happening with David, but he’d definitely seemed more considerate recently, and perhaps he’d decided to make this marriage work. He was making the effort and I had to as well.

  The phone buzzed again, and I could see there was a picture message coming through, painfully slow to download.

  When it finally filled the screen, I gasped in surprise. It was a picture of Nicky, naked, only his torso, with his hand holding his erection. My hand flew to my mouth, and I flushed red, unable to tear my eyes away. He looked amazing and I bit my lip, desire pummelling my insides.

  Another message came through, no photo this time.

  Your turn

  22

  I snorted, considering my options. What could I send him that wasn’t too revealing? Perhaps some cleavage? I placed the phone on the sink and took off my clothes, standing naked in the steamy bathroom, moving around assessing my angles. The wake-up call hit me around the back of the head and feeling foolish I snapped the phone shut and thrust it into my pocket.

  What was I thinking? I’d almost sent a naked photo of myself to him. Was I crazy? A teacher sending explicit photos to a student. It was like a headline from a tabloid newspaper and I cringed.

  Sitting on the toilet, my head in my hands, I drummed my fingers repeatedly, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. I was glad I’d come to my senses. The thought of photographic evidence of my naked body out there for Nicky to show to anybody made me feel physically sick. My heart skipped, like I’d almost fallen down a flight of stairs and only just regained my footing. I comforted myself that by this time tomorrow it would all be over. It was only lust after all. I had to get a grip, get back to reality. Right about now my previous life that had once seemed boring would be a welcome relief.

  On Tuesday, the first day of October, I agonised over what to wear. A river of clothes strewn across my bed, but still I struggled. I put the purple dress on at first and then took it off again. What message was I sending to Nicky by wearing it?

  Charlotte teased me as time was getting on.

  ‘Mum, wear the purple one, it looks great,’ she said as she walked past the open bedroom door and witnessed me still standing in my underwear, holding clothes up against me. Running out of time, I put on the dress, telling myself it was my choice to wear it and not Nicky’s request that had swayed me. After today was over, I’d be walking away from him once and for all.

  In the car, Charlotte told me that she’d heard a girl in her year was pregnant. She looked genuinely horrified, as though it might be catching.

  ‘How did you hear that?’

  ‘Girls in the corridor, calling her a slut.’

  I winced. Girls could be so cruel to each other.

  ‘Well, I haven’t heard anything,’ I lied, ‘and you mustn’t talk about such things without knowing them to be true. And if they are, how would you feel if everyone was talking about you?’ I couldn’t risk divulging what I’d heard to Charlotte, not when it was sensitive information about a girl in her year.

  Charlotte chewed her nail, not meeting my eye. I changed the subject to netball, and she told me she’d been moved into wing defence, an ideal position with her being short and fast.

  Determined to be a better teacher than I was yesterday, I threw myself into my lessons, making sure I was jovial and enthusiastic with the students. When I saw the girl who’d cried in my class yesterday, I apologised and told her how impressed I was with the homework she’d handed in over the weekend. It seemed to make amends and I felt much better.

  At lunchtime, I popped into the staffroom to catch up with Matilda and Susan as I hadn’t seen them for a while. We chatted about Boris Johnson and his alleged womanising in the paper that morning.

  ‘I’m so bored of politics and Brexit. It’s all we bloody hear about now,’ Susan said.

  Mr Scott came in looking harassed. Susan whispered that he’d just met with the parents of the pregnant year eleven girl and he had a meeting with the Board of Governors this afternoon.

  ‘I heard that they had sex on school premises,’ Matilda hissed.

  ‘Jesus, do you know who the girl is?’ I asked.

  ‘Amelia Jamieson, I teach her in Textiles.’

  Amelia was one of the group of girls I’d chastised for swearing in the playground last month. I’d made them give me all their names at the time.

  ‘Who’s the father?’ I asked.

  ‘She won’t tell.’

  My mind strayed to the girls’ toilets, eavesdropping on a conversation not meant for me. Didn’t they say that Nicky and Amelia dated? A wave of nausea washed over me and for a second, I felt a little lightheaded. I made my excuses to Matilda and Susan and left the staffroom.

  Nicky was waiting for me when I returned to my classroom, perched on th
e edge of my desk, flicking through pages of my diary. It was only for reminders and appointments, but still an invasion of my privacy. He looked mischievous as I walked through the door, catching him in the act. He didn’t apologise, simply closed the diary and swung around to face the door.

  ‘OK for later?’

  The corridor was empty, but with the classroom door open, I winced at the volume of his voice.

  I nodded, confirming our plans.

  He stood and peeked out of the door and each direction of the corridor.

  ‘Take off your knickers,’ Nicky said, eyes glinting, as if he was asking for an extension to a homework deadline.

  I shook my head, unable to believe he’d been so brazen as to ask. I didn’t feel turned on, in fact my body shivered, and I froze, clenching my jaw.

  He held out his hand impatiently.

  ‘No,’ I hissed.

  ‘Come on. Don’t be such a killjoy,’ he said, curling his lip back in a sneer.

  ‘Nicky?’ The sound that came out of my mouth was like a whimper. I felt like I was pleading.

  ‘Go on,’ he said coldly. There was something in his voice that told me he wasn’t going to give up on the idea.

  We stood there as the seconds stretched out, glaring at each other. Eventually when I realised he had no intention of giving an inch, I knew the quickest way to get rid of him was to give him what he wanted. I stepped back, towards the corner of the room, out of view from the windows and classroom door and reached under my dress. I eased my knickers down my legs, stepping out of them and snatching them from the floor in one quick motion. I rolled them into a ball as small as I could to conceal them in my fist.

  ‘Happy?’ I asked sarcastically, glaring at him.

  Nicky held out his hand again and I reluctantly handed him the balled-up fabric, which, to my horror, he raised to his face and breathed through the black lace taking in my scent.