by Lucia Franco
I lifted my eyes to him and found his reflective gaze was still on me. Only this time, he was spinning his dumb wedding ring.
My back teeth ground together. That little act prompted a swift change to sweep through me. Like he was provoking me, trying to goad me to show him what I was capable of. I wasn't weak, and I needed to stop acting like every little thing affected me. Because it didn't.
I was annoyed with myself and said fuck everything. I let it all go, and began.
With each punch into the spring floor, I focused on the pain and told myself it wouldn't win.
With each backflip, I shoved the unbearable backache away.
Never in my life had I ever felt anything remotely like this.
I pushed harder, faster. My stomach was a sore mess and I could swear vertigo was on the horizon.
Still, I didn't stop. Not even when it felt like nails three inches thick were being hammered into my backside, I persevered.
I would not be held down. I refused.
I flipped and punched and hopped, chewing on the anger and spitting it out with each handstand tuck set I completed. I drove myself to move quicker, in spite of it all, while I whipped my hips and drove my feet into the ground, cursing the pulsating boulders that were attached to me. I resented myself for feeling this way, but I refused to allow my emotions to control my practice time anymore. I never had in the past, and I sure as hell wasn't going to start now.
Tears threatened to fill my eyes, and I thought I was for sure going to throw up from the sheer agony I was in. I wasn't sure how much more I could handle, but I wouldn't break without giving my all first.
Every second was pure torture, but I kept going…and going…and going. I wouldn't finish early. Not even when I added the extra back tuck and the fiery hot throb was all I could hear and feel and see.
Not today, kidneys. Not today.
Just maybe when I got home.
"Ah, Adrianna?"
Fuck. My hand was on the door ready to push it open. I was so close to leaving without having to talk to Kova.
All I wanted to do was go home and die.
"Yeah?" I said without turning around. I lowered my head and waited.
"I need to speak with you."
Shit.
I turned around to follow Kova, but he was already walking toward his office. Five minutes, I told myself. I would be in his office no more than five minutes, then I would leave.
He was seated on the front edge of his desk waiting for me when I stepped inside. Impassive, his face bore impatience. His arms were crossed in front of his chest, his beautiful biceps tight with irritation. I could feel his emotion without even touching him.
"Take a seat."
My eyes shifted between the chairs in front of him and the couch. I preferred not to sit on the couch for obvious reasons and salty memories, but I didn't want to sit in the chairs either. There would hardly be any breathing room between us.
So I sat on the sex couch.
I dropped my bag to the floor and plopped down very unladylike. I rested my head back on the cushion like I was at home and closed my eyes. I sighed as the little bit of energy I had floated away from me. It was my first time sitting for the day.
Yawning, I opened my eyes and looked at Kova. "What's up, Coach?"
"Rough workout?" One corner of his mouth tugged up.
"You could say that." My legs were so sore it took effort just to stand.
"So rough you forgot I wanted to speak to you, yes?"
I lowered my eyes. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
"What is on your mind?"
I looked up. His question was more intrusive than curious.
"Nothing. What do you mean?"
Kova stared at me. "Adrianna, I was not born yesterday, so do not take me for a fool. What is going on with you?"
Oh God.
I sat up straighter. "Nothing is going on," I said. His jaw flexed but he remained silent. I tried to drive my answer home again, this time a little softer and more sincere. "Nothing is wrong with me, I just have a lot on my mind. That's all."
He pinched his bottom lip between his thumb and forefinger and turned his head to the side, then shook his head.
"Chto-nepravil'no," he said under his breath. "Chto-nepravil'no. Ya chuvstvuyu eto."
"What?"
"Something is not right. I can feel it." He paused. "You are lying to me."
I moved to stand. "Believe what you want, but that's the truth. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to leave."
"Sit down."
I didn't sit down. I toed the line. "I have a lot on my mind, okay? Think about when you were in my shoes and where your head was. How close you were to your damn goal and terrified that anything could go wrong at any given minute." I held my chest. "That's how I feel right now. We're so close to having it all. Don't tell me you were cool as a cucumber while under stress the entire time. You are not that perfect. No one is."
Kova's eyes widened and he stood.
"I almost ran to you today, Adrianna! In front of everyone!" he yelled. His voice echoed around the room and I reared back. "I saw the look on your face…in your eyes. I could feel it, feel you screaming for me to help you. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to hold back? Any idea? What is going on with you and why will you not tell me?"
I glanced around in a panic. I was too ashamed to look him in the eyes.
"No one is here. Now, tell me what is wrong. Please. I cannot take it anymore."
Eleven
My chest rose and fell fast. "Nothing is wrong," I murmured.
He leaned his head down toward mine. "You are lying to me." His voice was low and controlled. "You look sick, Adrianna. You are pale, you have dark circles under your eyes. Something is off. Give me your keys."
I scoffed. "We are not doing that again. And I could say the same for you, Coach. You look tired and have bags under your eyes. You haven't shaved in days and you're constantly lost in your thoughts. Most days you look absolutely miserable, but I don't push. I don't invade your personal space. I give you room to breathe."
"I am miserable! The only time I feel anything at all is when I am here, with you. And what I feel lately is detachment and sorrow. It is eating away at me." He shook his head. "You should push me, just like I push you. Outside these walls I feel numbness. I hate leaving here. You are the only light I have in my life, but right now, all I see is darkness in you and I do not like it."
My lips parted and my breathing deepened. He was getting too close to home and that terrified me. "Stop," I whispered. But he didn't. Kova stepped closer to me and I sucked in a breath. "Stop," I repeated.
"Sometimes we need people to push us, Adrianna. We want it. And I think you want me to push you. Just like I wish you would push me."
I shook my head and felt the tears climbing. He was right. I did want him to push me. I was unsteady, lost, scared. I needed someone to hold me.
I tried to step aside but Kova stopped me. "We were making progress, you and me. And then something changed in you and you woke up a different person."
"Yeah, I remembered you're married," I said defensively.
His vibrant green eyes darkened and his eyelids lowered to slits. Shifting on my feet, I deflected and glanced at the wall. That was a low blow. I didn't care that he was married. He knew that. His wedding band had never stopped me. It sure as hell had never stopped him either.
I turned and looked up at him. The turbulent look in his eyes pleaded with me to open up to him. "I'm sorry. My back hurts, okay? It's killing me and it’s honestly the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Since I can't take Motrin, I just have to deal with it. I thought that ointment shit would help it, so I was going to get it. That's all. Haven't you ever trained on a strained muscle? It's not that easy, you know."
Kova studied me. His eyes traced over my face, taking my features in. I stared back at him, hoping my words were enough to get him off me. It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the t
ruth either. A pulled muscle didn't make someone this sick. It didn't cause persistent nausea or fever or dry mouth. A strained muscle didn't make me feel like I was actually dying. Or cause constant headaches. It wouldn't cause weakness everywhere.
"I know you are lying to me."
Letting go of my arm, he walked around his desk and opened one of the drawers. After shifting things around, he pulled out a tube of something and a box, then he was standing in front of me again.
I glanced down at the red, green, and white tube of ointment he was offering me. The box was the same thing, except they were in pad form.
"You just happen to have that in your desk?" I asked, my voice full of skepticism.
"Adrianna, I am a gymnastics coach. I am always prepared. I have a whole bunch of shit in that drawer. Take it."
I pursed my lips together and nodded my appreciation.
"Do you need me to apply it for you? I saw you grab your back a few times today. The gel may be hard for you to reach to rub in, but the medicated pads should be easy for you to apply. They just stick on."
"I think I can do it. Thanks, though."
I reached for the items, but he pulled them back. My eyes shot up.
"Let me do it for you, please. Let me help you."
There was nothing but genuine concern in his eyes. Sometimes I wish he wasn't so proactive about making sure I was okay.
A tired sigh rolled off my lips and I yawned. I just wanted to go home but I figured this might help get him off my case for a few days.
"I don't have anything to change into." Everything I had was damp with sweat from this morning's run. I refused to put that back on.
He shrugged like it wasn't an issue. "I will give you one of my shirts."
I frowned. "Do you happen to keep clothes here too?"
"Sometimes."
He was holding back. Now he wanted me to push. Whatever he wanted to say was on the tip of his tongue.
But I didn’t…because I was scared to hear his answer.
"Will you let me help you?" he asked again.
I nodded. "Thank you," I said softly, and elation bloomed in his eyes.
"Let us go into the therapy room."
I glanced at his couch. "Can we just do it in here? That room is colder than an igloo."
He smiled, and I almost lost my breath. I hadn't seen Kova smile in what felt like ages and I missed it. I'd forgotten how much I loved seeing him like that.
"If you wish."
"I do."
He gestured with his hand. "Take a seat. Let me grab you a shirt."
I sat down and pulled at the straps of my leotard, sighing as I rolled the fabric down until it rested on my hips.
Kova glanced over his shoulder at me with a curious look on his face. His eyes dropped to my chest. I always wore a sports bra, so it was nothing he hadn't seen many times over.
"I love taking my leo off at the end of the day. It's like taking your bra off."
A chuckle rolled off his lips. "Well, I would not know how that feels, but I imagine good, yes?" He turned back to look through his things.
"It's sublime," I said. "The best feeling."
Kova pulled a duffle bag out of a drawer in his filing cabinet and ruffled through it. Without another word, he reached behind his head and cinched the fabric of his T-shirt in his hand and pulled it off. He shook his shirt out then handed it to me.
I looked away, but not before sneaking a peek of his abs. "Oh, no. I'm fine in my sports bra."
"Take it," he insisted.
"It's okay, really."
"Adrianna, take it." He waved the shirt in front of me.
I reached for it. "But what will you wear?" Slipping it over my head, I kept my arms under the shirt and removed my sports bra.
He shrugged like it was no big deal. "Nothing. I do not need a shirt."
Dropping my bra to the couch, I said, "But you can't go home without one."
He pulled back. His face twisted. "Why not? It is my home."
"Won't your wife say something?"
He gave me a dry, unamused look. I almost laughed at his expression. "Adrianna, please. You should know by now she will not say a damn word to me."
I always wondered why that was.
"She probably will not be home when I get home anyway."
He stared into my eyes, silently begging me to push. This was the second time he’d coaxed me to ask questions.
"How should we do this?" I ignored his unspoken request.
"Just turn around to face the couch and lean over. It will not take long. Just a few minutes."
Kova sat down behind me and lifted the back of the shirt. I gathered it in the front and held it just under my breastbone. Crossing my legs, I leaned into the couch and rested my head on the cushion in the corner of the couch.
"Point to your area of pain," he said, and I did. "Hmm. I thought it was much lower." His voice was full of concern.
"What do you mean?"
"Usually back pain is down here," he said, and dragged his finger just above my butt. "Not high up by your ribs."
"I probably didn't stretch out enough. I told you I could've slept wrong too. I'm just a little sore."
Kova didn't respond. I couldn't see what he was doing, but I could hear him rubbing the gel between his hands right before he applied it. His cool palms touched my back and he began massaging the peppermint scented stuff onto me.
I closed my eyes. I could fall asleep like this. The touch of his hands felt divine as he applied pressure to the sore points in my back.
"This feels amazing." I wasn't lying. It actually felt like it was starting to help. I’d feared the worst earlier, but maybe it truly was a pulled muscle or something.
"It should start to work pretty quickly. What did the pain feel like?"
"Just constant throbbing, but unlike anything I've ever felt before. I thought I was going to die when we were doing the tucks every time my feet hit the ground. It was taking my breath away and making me feel sick."
"You should have said something."
"It's nothing I can't handle."
After another minute or so, Kova pulled his hands away. "Okay. We are finished. This should work for a while. After you shower tonight, stick the pad where your back is hurting. It will be much easier than rubbing the gel on."
I protested. "No," I groaned, dragging the word out. I reached blindly behind me for Kova's hand. "That feels so good. Don't tell me it's over."
Kova chuckled and placed his hand in mine. My shoulders relaxed when his fingers wrapped around mine and I nestled further into his couch.
"It is. Unless you have any other areas of pain, you are free to go."
I should've gotten up and left. Instead, I placed his hand on my shoulder then tapped the top of his hand.
"Please, don’t stop," I said, my face all but mushed into his couch. I smiled lazily. Kova laughed and obliged, but seconds later, his concern returned.
"You are all knotted up."
I grunted when he pushed on the curve of my shoulder. "I told you I slept wrong."
"If you want me to massage you, let us go into the therapy room where you can lay out. I have your table in there and I can give you a full massage. You need it."
"If I get up, I'm going home. I'm too tired for anything else. Plus, I'm really comfy right here. I like this couch." I made a little sound under my breath and wiggled for him to keep going.
Kova sighed. "I will never understand why I put up with your little demands the way I do," he said, but I could hear the smile and amusement in his voice, and that made me feel good.
"Because you love—"
Twelve
I froze.
My eyes flew open.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck!
How could I be so stupid!
His fingers tensed. A solemn pause. I could feel the tension and electricity in the air, and the deep pull of oxygen into his lungs like it was my own. Sixty seco
nds of dead silence passed. My heart was going five hundred miles an hour.
Trembling to the bone, I sat up and rolled his shirt down. "I have to go." My voice came out shaky, but I didn't care. "I have to go. I have to go. I need to go." I kept repeating.
I was definitely going to be sick now. I leaned on the side of the couch to push myself up, but I wasn’t quick enough.
Kova grabbed my hips. “Wait.”
My entire body shook. Goddamn it! I couldn’t believe I’d said what I did.
“No, I need to go.”
I pulled away and slipped out of his grasp, but he grabbed me again and pulled me toward him.
“Adrianna, please, just wait.”
The urgency in his voice did not go unnoticed. It was getting harder to breathe. My throat was closing up. How could I have been so stupid? Kova didn’t love me. He didn’t love anyone but himself.
“Why must you make me get rough with you?"
With one firm tug, he pulled back and I fell into his chest. A lungful of air gushed from me. Automatically I tried to spring forward and reach for the couch as leverage to pull myself away.
Embarrassment flooded me. I had to get out, but Kova refused and wrapped both his arms around me until I was securely in his lap. He enveloped me completely and brought his face to the curve of my neck.
My arms were stuck to my sides, my chest rising and falling fast. The warmth of his skin and the comfort of his body ignited my own. I struggled against his hold, but his thumbs began a soothing rub on my hip and shoulder while his fingers gripped me for dear life. The steady rhythm of Russian whispers against my ear calmed my rattled nerves.
"Kova…" My voice shook. "I didn’t mean what I said. I didn’t mean it."
"Ria." I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Please. I want to leave." And roll off a steep cliff and die.
But he surprised me. "Do you remember the first time I called you malysh?"
Flustered, my eyes bounced around the room. I swallowed as I thought back to that day shortly after I started training at World Cup.
"Yes." My answer came out in a broken whisper. "We were standing right outside your office in the hallway. You laid into me afterwards."
