by Lucia Franco
"I'm not. I was just curious."
I groaned and made sure she heard it. "I'm freaking out over the possibility that I could be pregnant, and you're asking about my vagina. Really, Ave?"
"Bad timing?"
"I know no form of birth control is one hundred percent, and considering how intense our sex is and how much we have at one time, maybe I didn't take the pills early eno—"
I froze mid-sentence. Had I taken them early enough? Had I taken enough? My mind raced through the brain fog back to the first time we had sex again. I blinked a few times trying to remember when it hit me… It was when I had carved an A into his chest during the hurricane, and again a couple of days later.
Tears instantly filled my eyes, but I pushed them back. No, I wouldn’t get emotional just yet because I was fairly certain I took the pills within the correct time frame and I wasn't pregnant. Kova would've made sure of that.
Sitting up, I moved my hair off my neck and hunched over to hold my stomach. I was going to be sick and this time it was due to the reality of the situation and nothing else. There was an old wives tale that floated around Florida that women got pregnant during hurricanes. Now my mind was overthinking stupid thoughts and actually considering them.
"Ria?" she joked, to which I actually chuckled sadly. I forgot she would pretend to say my nickname the way Kova did. "What is it?"
Deep breathing, I dropped my head into my palm. "What if I am pregnant? A baby, Avery? I could never admit Kova was the father—he'd go to jail. No, I take that back. He wouldn’t make it to jail. My dad would slaughter him first and no one would find his body, then my child would grow up asking me who it's daddy is."
For once, Avery was quiet.
"Yeah, you're fucked. Let's hope it's negative."
Fifty-Six
"What the fuck do I buy?" I whispered into the phone. Wide eyes scanned the assortment of colorful boxes. "There's a million of them. Do they all work?"
"Yeah, they all work, but you can buy a few of them to be sure."
"Oh." I hadn't even thought of that. "There are two in a pack."
"Buy three of the two-packs."
"What? Why do I need six tests?"
"Because if you are pregnant, you're going to be in shock and think the test is broken. You'll end up peeing on all of them."
My eyes scanned the boxes. Some had an automatic reading, some detected a pregnancy in five days, some seven. "You're probably right. But let's not say the P word anymore."
"I honestly don't know how I'm friends with you."
"I had a period, though," I said, still in denial.
Trying to steady my nerves, I reached for one of the tests Avery named.
"You can still bleed and be pregnant in the beginning. It’s called spotting. A lot of people mistake it for a period."
"Oh." I grabbed one more box and then turned out of the aisle. Head down, I counted the tiles as I walked quickly to the front to pay. "Would it be weird if I peed on one here?"
"I mean, is that where you want to learn you're carrying a future Olympian?"
"I'm hanging up on you."
She laughed. "It wouldn't be weird, but just do it at home. That way you can cry in peace."
"I just want to get it over with. I'm nervous." Heart racing a mile a minute, I paid at the self-checkout then hurried to my truck and jumped in. I threw off my sunglasses and said, "I feel like I'm going to be sick."
"That's because—"
"Shut up. I don't find this funny. My future is going to be ruined."
"Kova should've wrapped up his magic stick because pull out and pray doesn't work."
I fought the smile. "I keep taking deep breaths but I feel like I can't catch my breath. My hands are shaking and I can't stop thinking that I'm going to see a pink line."
"It's two lines, and it's normal. You know I'm just playing with you."
"I know. I just, I don't know." I stumbled over my words.
Sighing, my mind raced with a million different thoughts.
"I took the Plan B, but the more I think about it, the more I think I took it too late. But then I keep thinking about how the doctors said it's supposedly really difficult to get pregnant and I can't figure out how this happened. How are you so calm and cracking jokes?"
"Because I've already gone through this and sometimes jokes help lighten the mood."
I softened at her unmoved tone. She was right and I appreciated that. "I can't believe you did this alone. I feel so bad I wasn't there for you."
Turning into my complex, I was such a mess as I parked. I didn't know what I would've done if she hadn't stayed on the phone with me the entire time, coaxing me to get dressed and go to the store. Remorse reared its ugly head beneath the nerves. I'd been a terrible friend, I didn't deserve this, but I also didn't think I'd be able to do this alone, and I think she knew that. I'd handled everything thrown at me so far, some things better than others, but this, this was the icing on the cake.
"Don't apologize. It was my decision. It is what it is, and I won't think about the past. No good comes from holding onto regrets anyway."
While she had a point, I'd always live with the guilt of her having no one to talk to and the traumatic experience she'd gone through on her own. Letting go and moving forward was a harder pill to swallow.
Once inside my condo, Avery said, "Get a cup you can pee in then throw out."
"Are you going to stay on the phone with me even when I pee?" I asked as I reached into the kitchen cabinet with a trembling hand and pulled out a plastic cup. I looked into it.
"Ah, yeah? I need to know if I'm going to be an aunt or not."
My movements slowed. "Ave…" I couldn't process that thought right now.
"I know," she said, regrettably, and that was enough. She knew. "Just go in the bathroom so we can FaceTime."
Tears climbed my eyes and they immediately streamed down my cheeks. "How could I have been so fucking stupid?"
"I don't have an answer for you, not one that would be an acceptable answer anyway. We both were really stupid, but so were the guys. I hate saying you forget your responsibilities in the heat of the moment, but you kind of do. Still, it's not a good reason to be irresponsible."
Glancing down at my feet, I slipped off my flip flops. The cold tile shot chills up my spine while I stood there wondering how I got myself into this mess.
"Next time tell Kova he needs to tie down that dinosaur. Use some saran wrap."
A loud laugh erupted from me. I wiped away my tears and grabbed the plastic bag and walked to the bathroom.
"I seriously can't believe I'm doing this."
"I seriously can't believe you're going to pee as you're FaceTiming me."
Switching my phone so she could see me, I placed it on the counter and looked at the screen.
"Ave?"
"Hayyyy." She smiled when she saw my face. "God, you look like shit. You're almost transparent."
"I've had better days." I joked. "Okay, let me pee and then I'll be right back."
Turning the phone to face the wall, I grabbed the cup and relieved myself. I flushed, still in shock that I was taking pregnancy tests. I fixed the camera to face me. Avery's faced pinched up. "That's your pee?" she asked once I placed the clear cup on the counter to wash my hands. "It's really dark." She looked closer, squinting. "Is that blood?
I looked at it briefly. "Probably. My pee can range from the color of a banana to cranberry juice."
Her face twisted up. "Gross."
"How long does it take for the test to show results?" I asked, opening the first box. My fingers trembled as I pulled out both tests and placed them on a towel next to the cup.
I expelled a heavy breath. What happened next could change everything and I wasn't sure I was prepared for it.
"They're all different. Mine came up really quickly. Open two boxes. Do the early result one and the automatic. We'll save the seven-day one for like a week from now just to be sure.”
I nodded and did what she said. When I had all the sticks lined up next to each other, I stared at them with a weird range of feelings. I most definitely did not want to be pregnant, but what if there was a baby already growing inside of me? Could I get rid of it? I’d always thought I could, but now that I was faced with the seriousness of the situation, I wasn't sure anymore. I had a plan, and that plan didn't include having a baby until I was married and at least twenty-six.
"What are you thinking?" Avery asked softly.
"That everything is fucked up and that my life is about to change. That I don't know what I'm supposed to feel right now. I'm giving myself a headache."
"This is what I want you to do. Dip the stick in the cup for a few seconds, then cap it and place it down. Don't wait, just move on to the next until you're done. Go get a drink of water or whatever it is you drink, and then go back and check the results. Don't hover. You're going to make yourself pass out waiting for the results with the way you're already hyperventilating."
I lifted my eyes to her and paused. Laughing, I hadn't realized I was panting so hard, but man, my nerves were shot. This was a moment of truth, and as eager as I was to find out, I was more terrified than anything.
"I'm scared," I said quietly.
Her eyes softened. "You can do two back flips with a bunch of crazy twists at the same time, run eighty miles an hour toward a table and flip over it, but this scares you?"
I shrugged one shoulder. "Yeah, a little."
Taking one last deep breath, I shook my fingers out and uncapped the first stick, dipping it in the urine for a few seconds. Recapping it, I moved on making sure I didn't look at the previous one until I was done with all four. Avery stayed quiet, watching me. Even though she was hundreds of miles away, I felt like she was right next to me, giving me strength. I needed that more than anything.
Once I finished the fourth one, I grabbed my phone as vomit climbed the back of my throat. I spewed into the toilet, dry heaving until I could barely catch my breath since there was nothing in my stomach to come up.
"This time I know it's your nerves," Avery said, slightly muffled. I turned to look and realized I was covering the phone with my hand. Thank goodness. She didn't need to see me throwing up. Flushing the toilet, I wiped my face and crawled to sit against the bathtub. I brought my knees up and placed my arms on them.
"I don't want to look," I said in all honesty. And I didn't. Tears filled my eyes and I shook my head. "I don't want to look, Ave. I don't want to."
Her face fell, crippling with sadness. "I wish I was there with you," she said softly. "I'd look for you."
"I wish you could. How long has it been?"
"Like thirty seconds."
My jaw dropped. "That's it? It feels like forever."
She smiled sadly. "Yeah, that's how I felt too."
I looked above the phone at the counter and grimaced.
"What's wrong," she asked.
"My pee is more red than yellow from here. Do you think that could alter the test?"
"No, it shouldn't. It's looking for a specific hormone."
"Damn. I was hoping you would say yes."
"Wishful thinking." She paused. "Ready?"
I shook my head, eyeing the counter. My bathroom was so icy cold I started shivering. I held myself. It was the last thing I wanted to do.
"I can't remember a time when I've been so nervous. I'm terrified, Ave. I really don't want to look. I feel like I already know the answer."
I held my stomach. It was so flat.
Avery expressed her sorrow. "Just rip the Band-Aid off and do it."
"I can't believe I called to joke that I was dying and it turned into taking pregnancy tests."
"Definitely not what I expected, that's for sure."
Standing up, I tiptoed toward the counter.
"Pretend I'm there holding your hand," she said, and I swallowed and looked into the phone as I stopped in front of what could change my life forever. "Look at the counter, Aid," my best friend encouraged gently.
My lips were a thin, flat line as I shook my head. Tears spilled from the corners of my eyes into my mouth and I could taste the saltiness.
"Come on, bestie." She had tears in her eyes too.
Finally, I looked.
Chills racked my body as my eyes moved from one test to the other. My lungs ached with each result as I struggled to breathe. I was dizzy and lightheaded and staring with wide eyes in absolute shock until my vision blurred.
"Avery?" I said, my voice cracking.
Kidney disease wasn't going to kill me, a heart attack was.
I skimmed the row of tests again and all the lines in utter disbelief.
"What does it say?" she begged, but I couldn't find the words. I didn't want to say it out loud because then it would make it real. "Aid? Say something, please."
I told her.
"Christ on a fucking stick."
Fifty-Seven
I cried for an hour straight after I counted two sets of positive lines.
I checked every few minutes hoping they would change. The parallel lines were solid and bright, except for the automatic two that clearly read pregnant.
Pregnant. How was I pregnant? More importantly, how did I let this happen?
Avery listened, and I loved her even more for it. She let me vent through the tears, even though I was a bawling mess of denial and heartbreak. She didn't try to hang up on me. She acted like she was right next to me as if I was crying on her shoulder. She was the perfect best friend, which made me feel even more like shit since I hadn't been there for her in her moment of need.
"How, Avery? How?" I asked for the millionth time and grabbed another tissue.
"I mean, I feel like you know how it happens at this point."
"What am I going to do? I can't tell my dad, and I definitely can't have a baby either. That leaves me with one option."
Avery was quiet for a little while. Gently, she said, "What do you want?"
"It's not that easy to answer."
"If you didn't need a kidney, what would you do?"
"I still can't have a baby. Kova would go to jail."
"What if he didn't go to jail?"
"My dad would never accept it."
"If he did?"
My face felt so swollen and the exhaustion from crying and the stress of the truth was a growing pressure on my chest. Her question wasn't cut and dry, and neither was my answer.
"I wish I could go back and change things. I wish I could go back and be smarter."
"Don't think about the past, it'll do you no good. Trust me. Think about the future and what you need to do."
Avery was right, but it was hard to do that when I was staring at all these tests telling me I was carrying a child.
Kova's child.
Our child.
Tears blurred my vision again and I started crying. In a rush, I scooped up the boxes and sticks and dumped them into the trash. The sticks stuck out of the garbage, but I didn't care. I took the last box and placed it between the towels in my bathroom closet. I couldn't stand to look at it any longer.
I rinsed my face with cool water, then dried it. Avery watched but didn't say anything, she just looked as sad as I felt. Lifting my shirt, I focused on my stomach, rubbing it in circles.
"How is there a baby in there?" I asked, more so speaking to myself.
"Technically it's a fetus."
"Whatever. Same thing, really."
"Yeah. Once the heart started beating, I viewed it differently."
I dropped my shirt, wishing I could reverse time. "When's that?"
"Six weeks."
I averted my gaze and thought back to when this could've happened. Staring at the bottles of perfume I never wore, I blindly read over the lush labels without really processing the words.
"How do I figure out how pregnant I am?"
Avery chuckled and covered her mouth. I glanced at her and saw regret fill her blue eyes.
"What? Wh
at's so funny?"
"It's how far along you are, not how pregnant you are. You're pregnant. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. You're totally preggo. It's based on your last period, but since that's all messed up, when did you guys last have sex?"
My stomach knotted. I didn't want to think about that because there was a good chance the baby’s heart was already beating, and remaining oblivious was just easier.
If I heard a heartbeat, would it change my mind?
The thought chilled me to the bone and a rush of emotions sucker punched me in my chest.
Licking my dry lips, I sniffled. "Never mind, I don't want to know. That'll just make it harder."
"You should call Kova," Avery suggested.
"What? Why? No."
Her brows puckered together. "Aren't you going to tell him?"
"No. I think I'm just going to have an abortion."
The silence was earsplitting.
My heart dropped.
Reality set in and we were both still as we looked at each other, our expression mirroring each other's.
I'd already made my decision without processing it until just now.
I was seventeen, and I was going to have an abortion.
My chest deflated, lungs ached for air. The response was so fluid it caught me by surprise. The consequences for having unprotected sex and being irresponsible. Tears filled my eyes again, and my jaw trembled. I knew I'd regret this choice for the rest of my life. Yet the words spilled from my lips because I also knew what I had to do all along.
"I can't have a baby. I'm too young… right? I've come too far for that." A sob escaped me. "I know that's so selfish of me, but I just can't," I whispered, thinking it would lessen my decision. "I just can't," I paused, then told her how I really felt. "I can't imagine actually getting rid of it either."
"You have to tell him," she said softly.
"I don't want to. He's married, and he once said some harsh things about me getting pregnant and what he would do."
Avery groaned into the phone. She knew what I was talking about and she didn't like it.
"Stop thinking about the past. Think about how far you guys have come, how much you guys have grown. Regardless of what his choice is, he still needs to know. It's his right. Don't not tell him. You'll only regret it and then you'll have to live with that regret."
