by Lucia Franco
I sighed inwardly. Quietly, I said, "I know I need to tell him. Eventually I will."
"It sucks, Aid. Every day I blame myself for not pushing harder to talk things out with Xavier. It's horrible. Plus, you're going to need time to rest anyway. He has to know."
"Rest?"
"You'll need some time off for bed rest. When I miscarried, I had to rest for a good week or so. I had so much bleeding and my stomach killed me. The cramps are way worse than a period. There's no way you can practice like that."
"Bed rest?" My voice peaked. "But you were further along than me. Maybe I won’t need that."
"I think after a specific number of weeks you have to have a procedure done. But I could be wrong. I couldn't just bleed everything out, I had to have it sucked out."
My lips parted in disbelief and I shook my head hastily. Sucked out sounded terrifying and dehumanizing. I wouldn't let it get that far. There was literally no time left in my schedule for bed rest, let alone a procedure. I had one international meet left where the team was selected, and then by some miracle, the Olympics. Two months max until it was all over. No time to rest. Not until after the Games, if I got to them.
"Two months until everything I've worked for is over. After that, I'll figure it out."
Her eyes widened. "Aid, that's a terrible idea. Probably the dumbest one you've had to date. You don’t even know how far along you are. Maybe you can just take a pill or something—there are abortion pills—but waiting is not a good idea."
"I can't tell him," I panicked. "I'm not telling him. I'll just go to a clinic or something. I can't go to my regular doctor either. They'll have to tell my dad and he can't know. I'll search for a place online."
I swear she paled. Avery’s face moved closer to the screen. "Listen to me. You're making a huge mistake. Tell him, Adrianna."
"I—"
"And you can't just go to some random clinic." Her voice rose, and I felt the alarm in her words. "Don't be stupid."
I rubbed my face, closing my eyes. "What a mess. I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, I do, ugh. This really sucks."
"Start by telling him and go from there. He has a right to know," she urged softly. "Please, if you never listen to me again, make this the one time you do."
"He's going to be angry."
My stomach knotted tighter just thinking about telling him. I didn't even know where to begin, how to start the conversation, I couldn't fathom a response that would be less than negative. There was no right way to tell Kova I was pregnant with his child.
Avery's voice was strained. "You don't know that. And if you don't do this properly, you could risk having issues with future pregnancies. Don't be stupid."
I looked down. "Maybe that's a good thing," I said, my voice low. "It's what I deserve."
"Don't say that."
"It’s true," I replied a little louder. "I fooled around with my coach, I slept with a married man, and I let it happen. I wanted it to happen. This is really my fault and what I get. It's Karma."
"You didn't make him do anything he didn't want."
"But I did. That's the thing. I pushed him since the beginning. Since the very first encounter, it was all me. I mean, he's obviously no saint, but I pursued him. In the back of my mind, I was making it so he couldn't say no. I went after him so many times, Ave." My chin quivered with guilt. I was a terrible, terrible person.
"Aid, listen to me. It's easy to blame yourself during a time like this, but it's not all you. Kova didn't do anything he didn't want to do. Even if you didn't make the choice easy on him, he still didn't have to keep it going. One time is a mistake. Two times is reckless. Three times is a choice. A conscious decision at that. He didn't have to keep it going, he chose to."
I looked at my best friend, thanking her for talking it out with me.
Taking a deep breath, I pulled myself upright from the floor of the bathroom and walked into the kitchen and placed my phone near my medicine bottles. I tied my hair up into a messy bun, then picked the bottles up one by one and uncapped them, pouring out the pills into a pile.
Avery was absolutely right, but I still held the fault for inviting it to happen and not stopping it from continuing. There was something too alluring about Kova I couldn’t deny, and I didn't know why. He once told me I was the flame and he was the moth, but I couldn't help thinking it was the other way around. If we both felt that way, then a bigger, larger flame spread over time destroyed things in its path and was harder to put out.
I filled up a glass of water and placed it on the counter. Liquid splashed onto the marble. "I'm sure all these pills aren't good to take while pregnant. Maybe that's why I had my period, but it was actually a miscarriage and I didn't know."
"Only going to the doctor will tell you that. I think you would bleed heavily, like more than usual, and you would have severe cramping. You'd know the difference."
I sighed, filled with exhaustion. "What am I going to do? This is all so fucked." I scooped the pills up and swallowed them all at once.
One corner of her mouth tugged up to the side. "You know what you have to do," she said, and I nodded.
She was right, again. I couldn't not tell Kova, but how the hell did I even begin?
"I love you, Ave. I don't know what I'd do without you."
She fake flipped her hair. "Well, duh. That's because I'm the bestest friend ever. So when do you think you will? I hope sooner rather than later."
I shrugged. "I really don't know. Maybe after practice tomorrow."
Her brows rose. "You better text me ASAP the moment you do."
We said our goodbyes and I spent the rest of the afternoon agonizing over my current situation on the internet. It was a terrible idea, but I couldn’t stop myself from looking things up, kind of how I did when I’d found out I had lupus and kidney disease. It made everything ten times worse but I couldn’t help it.
I tossed and turned all night, sleep evading me, and when my alarm went off the next morning, I almost called in.
Instead, I got out of bed and went on with my normal routine. I was going to muster up the strength to tell Kova, but also make sure I stayed focused on my dream. He'd understand.
One day I'd have kids, just not now.
Until then, I would mourn the child I would soon give up with the man I loved.
Fifty-Eight
My first thought when I walked into World Cup and saw Kova was that he would be a hot-as-hell dad.
He had his hat on, this time facing in the right direction, and a heather gray and black baseball type tee that hugged his arms, and paired with his typical black shorts. It was hard not to stare at the cuts and curves of his biceps.
He made my heart pound so hard and a stupid number of butterflies in my stomach swirl ridiculously fast into each other. Kova lifted a folding mat and dragged it across the floor, creating rows for conditioning. I imagined a baby on his hip—not mine—and what he'd look like. He'd be so cute, probably insanely possessive, but deeply in love with his child who he'd teach gymnastics. I could see him explaining his actions and why he was always right, and how he was being a bossy coach with his child because he'd want the best for him.
Kova glanced up and our eyes locked. A different kind of smile pulled at his lips, one that said we were good, like he was happy for once. Go figure. The times that he's happy, I'm dying inside. I swallowed back my emotions and forced myself to return the smile.
He crossed the distance and my chest ached with each step that brought him closer to me. I could already smell his cologne, thanks to my heightened pregnancy senses that I’d learned about online, and it created a steady sensation of desire through me.
I wouldn't tell him today. I couldn’t.
"How do you feel?" he asked. "You look a little tired. Did you want to stay home again?"
I shook my head and picked at my nails. I chewed on my lip, trying to fight the panic rising inside me. "Better. I slept all day yesterday."
He eyed me cu
riously, a shadow from his hat cast over half his face. "You are beautiful," he said softly, accepting my answer. A little smirk formed on his succulent mouth.
Before he could say another word, I stood on my tiptoes and reached for him. My emotions—probably the anxiety of needing to tell him—rose to the top before I realized what was happening. Palming his cheeks, I pulled his face to mine and smashed my mouth to his.
He lifted the lip of his hat and pushed it up, then wrapped his arms around my back and stepped closer to me. Kova let out a little moan as he returned the kiss. He always gave back even better. It was his way of showing me how he felt. His large hands roamed my back, skimming to my butt before he grabbed a chunk and held on. My fingers threaded the hair at the back of his neck as his tongue slipped past the seam of my lips and tangled around mine. He kissed me like he was hungry, like he couldn’t get his fill. He was fighting for us and each lap of his tongue was a greater pull to what he wanted but ultimately may never have.
Still holding me, Kova broke the kiss, leaving my breathless. He glanced at my lips, then bit one. It was the little things like this that made me fall deeper for him, but it also helped me decide that today just wasn't the day to drop the ball.
"You're a lover, not a fighter."
He smirked, brows furrowed. "What made you think of that?"
"By the way you kiss. I can feel it."
He seemed content with my answer. "Life is too short to fight. Unless, of course, we fight during sex." His eyes heated with the thought. "Then, I am up to fighting."
My head fell back and a laugh rolled out of me before I could stop it. He dipped his head, his nose tickling my neck. I felt the outline of his smile under my ear. Kova pressed into me and I stepped back until I felt the wall against my back. Heat zoomed down my spine as his chest pushed into me, the warmth of his strong body brought a sense of security and love I so desperately needed.
"Like when we made love again for the first time after so long, when you were throwing things at me, when you tried to cut me…" He emphasized the last words and I laughed. "When you did cut me. As much as we both hurt that day, and as much as I loved every minute, I never want to fight with you again like that. So, yes, maybe I am a lover, but I am only a lover for you, and I am only a fighter for you.” Kova looked down. "I thought I’d lost you for good during that horrible time. I never want it to happen again."
I swallowed. Yeah, definitely not telling him today.
Quietly, I said, "I don't think it's possible to lose me."
The corners of his eyes softened. "Same. Now, let me fuck you before practice starts."
A loud laugh burst from my chest. "No," rolled off my lips. He made me so happy and I wondered if he even knew that. "Way to ruin the moment with your quick fuck."
Kova whimpered. "You cannot come in like this and kiss me and expect me not to want more. I feel like I just woke up next to you, and you know how much I want that. To see you supple and soft like you are now, and be able to wake up balls deep inside you, to feel you squeeze around my dick, hear your soft little sighs… There is nothing I want more than that."
He made my heart pound wishing for that.
"You only want me for my pussy."
His eyes flared with desire. "Among other things."
I tried not to smile at his response. I knew he was teasing me, but it was doing the trick and making me not think about the larger issue at hand.
"You're such a smooth talker."
"I have my moments. So what do you say, yes? I can pull up your leg like this." His voice dropped as he got lower and hooked my thigh around his hip. "Then I can move your shorts aside and take you quick and fast like this," he said, pulling the material to one side and teasing my bare flesh with his fingers. I'd worn small shorts, a sports bra, and a tank top today. "Or I can lift you up and take you quick but slow right here in my gym." He groaned at the thought of his own words. "Slow because I need to feel every inch of your sweet body. You know I am already hard for you." He pushed one long finger inside and I gasped. "I feel you clenching around me," he said, kissing me. His tongue making me crazy with lust. "Come on, let me have you," he begged, and it was pretty cute.
"No." My response came out a little more breathless than I wanted. "But maybe before I leave tonight," I said, pushing my hips into his hand. Damn traitorous body.
His exaggerated groan was one of epic proportions. "You are going to kill me. How the fuck am I going to wait until then? You should just let me fuck you." He chuckled. "It will not take long."
I ignored his annoyingly right comment and reached between us, slipping my hand beneath the elastic of his shorts to find his bare cock rock solid. Kova grabbed my wrist.
I squeezed. "Still no boxers, I see."
"Never," he said between clenched teeth. "Plus, I like catching you checking out my dick. I will never wear them for that reason alone."
My cheeks flamed. "I do not."
"You do, and you know it makes me fucking hard every time." He tightened his hold. "You had your chance, now you have to wait until tonight."
Frustrated, I leaned in and bit his lip until I tasted blood. I moaned, lapping at the tiny crimson droplets. Kova's cock twitched in my hand and I felt a wave of pleasure roll through his body. I loved that he loved what I did.
"Tonight, I fuck you in here."
"I bailed," I said quietly into the phone.
I don't even know why I whispered when I was alone and no one else could hear me.
"On who?" Avery asked.
"Kova."
"Ohhh," she responded. "Why did you dip out on Fish Lips?"
"We were supposed to have sex after practice. When he wasn't looking, I ran."
Avery chuckled. "Let me guess, you didn't tell him about the spawn."
I shook my head, fighting a grin. I was almost home. "Nope."
"How was practice anyway now that you're carrying a little Russian hothead?"
This time I laughed. "Avery…" I groaned. "It was so stressful, and I don't know why. I'm not keeping the baby, so it shouldn't have bothered me, but I kept thinking I'm going to hurt it, so I hesitated a lot."
She was quiet for a moment. "I think that's normal. Do you think Kova noticed?"
"He notices everything, so I played it off and used my disease as an excuse."
"Who knew kidney disease would come in handy for once. So what are you going to do now when he goes looking for you and you're MIA?"
I sighed into the phone. "I don't know. I guess I'm just going to tell him I'm not feeling well."
"And you think he's going to buy it," she stated, clearly not sold on my lie.
"Yes, but that's only because he knows I'm sick and doesn’t want anything to happen to me."
I pulled into my complex, grabbed my things, and made my way upstairs.
"You really need to just tell him, Aid," she said softly.
"I know. I really was going to when I got to practice, but then I saw him, Ave, and I imagined him with a baby. It fucked with my head."
She hummed under her breath. "He would look really good with a baby."
"Drool worthy. See? The words evaded me and I didn't know if I should just blurt it out or ease my way into the conversation, and then I decided to kiss him…"
She giggled. "I know it's easier said than done, but the longer you wait, the harder it will be. The anxiety will eat you away."
I already felt like that now. Once I was in my condo, I dropped my stuff to the floor and sat on the couch. I exhaled a sigh and listened to the silence for a second. "Yeah," I said a little out of breath.
I glanced down at my stomach, still in awe that I was pregnant. I placed my hand on my belly, fearing my next question. "Ave? What if this is the only time I can get pregnant?"
"You can't look at it like that. If it happened while you were training like a damn lunatic, then you should be able to in the future when you're a normal person again. Plus, there's a whole slew of drugs you can take
to help you conceive."
I thought about what I had to do and how disheartened I was feeling over the choice I had made. It made me sick. I never really had a view on abortion, not until Avery told me she had one, and now that I was faced with the same decision myself, it was proving to be much harder than I thought. I could not have a baby, but I was quickly learning I didn't like the thought of having an abortion either. I was stuck in the worst predicament of my life with no right choice. Everyone was going to get hurt because of my recklessness.
I sighed inwardly. I felt myself starting to slip into a dark hole of depression and I fought it. There was no time in my schedule to climb my way out of that dingy hole. I'd just done it a few months ago.
"It's going to be really hard, and one of the most difficult moments of your life," she said sympathetically. "You'll feel better about it once you tell him. I can sit here and crack jokes, tell you what to say, but I know firsthand how difficult it really is. The anxiety of it alone will kill you. You're going to try a few times until one day it just comes out."
I wrapped a protective arm around my stomach. "He's going to be so mad."
"I have this really weird feeling he won't be, but even if he is mad, at least you told him. You'll feel better telling him in the long run. Then you can go ahead and schedule whatever you need, and I'll be there with you when it happens."
I swallowed. "You're going to drive over and come with me?"
"Of course, you dumbass. I love you."
My phone beeped and I pulled it away to see a text message come in from Kova. My heart dropped. I knew he'd look for me.
"I gotta go, Kova is texting me."
"Just so you know, I wouldn't recommend telling him over text."
I chuckled. Right before we hung up, I said. "Believe me, I wasn't planning on it."
Coach: Where did you disappear to? I was looking for you.
