by Lucia Franco
I chewed my lip trying to conjure up a good lie that would suffice.
Me: I'm not feeling well. I think I'm having a flare up and just needed to go home. I'm sorry.
I held my breath and waited for him to respond. Hopefully he bought it, but I expected him not to.
Coach: Your health is more important. Get the rest you need, and if you need more time, just let me know. Can I bring you some dinner?
I quickly replied with a no thank you and threw the phone down onto my couch. Rolling over onto my side, I cried myself to sleep over the things I had no ability to change.
Fifty-Nine
I purposely went into practice late so Kova couldn't talk to me.
Well, twenty minutes late, but it was enough to aggravate him for the rest of the day.
It didn't help that I was terribly nauseous. Either from the pregnancy or because I was nervous as hell to tell Kova, I wasn't sure. All the times I'd thrown up since the last meet could really be from either one. My stomach was all sorts of messed up.
Tonight I'd tell him I was pregnant.
His eyes found mine the moment I stepped into the gym, but I quickly averted my gaze and started stretching. My first thought was that I would play my lateness off since he had said if I needed extra time to rest I could take it, but I also knew I was required to tell him in advance if I was.
"Adrianna. Three miles," he ordered with a bite then turned away from me.
My jaw plummeted to my stomach but there was nothing I could say or do since he was my coach, so I got up, went into the locker room, got my clothes and running shoes on, then went outside. I did a few stretches so I wouldn’t irritate my Achilles. It wasn't healed and it wouldn't be until I had surgery, but I would almost go as far as to say it was in remission with the pain and inflammation. No new tears thankfully, and while I hadn't needed a blading session recently, I knew Kova would want to do one before I went to Italy for the meet. It did give me a little pep in my step and Lord knew I could use that right now, and before the biggest gymnastics competition of my life.
The moment my feet hit the pavement, I forced myself to run the three miles straight without stopping. By the time I got back to World Cup, I was winded and in dire need of using the bathroom. I was all cool and collected until I noticed the toilet water was tinted pink.
My sad reality. Either it was just spotting, or I was miscarrying and I didn't know it. I padded myself with some toilet paper but there was no blood. Confused, I did it again with the same outcome when it hit me that it could actually be my kidneys causing the blood. It was a common symptom of chronic kidney disease.
Anger filled my eyes with tears but I inhaled them back and flushed the toilet. Shaking my head and fingers, I stepped out of the bathroom only to come face to face with a very annoyed Kova.
"Hey," I said, pulling back. I frowned. "Were you waiting for me?"
Kova's green eyes glared down at me and I recoiled. "Do not take advantage of my kindness, Adrianna. You will not walk all over me just because I am sympathetic to your health. If you need something, tell me, but do not show up late and assume you can do what you please without clearing it with me first."
My jaw bobbed. I was a little offended he thought I would take advantage like that, especially after everything. I tried to explain myself, but he cut me off and started speaking again. His Russian accent was thicker this time, and that only happened when he was furious.
"You have ten working days left and that is it. Two weeks until we board the plane." He emphasized the time. "And only one shot left. Let us make it count. We are going to be doing two-a-days until we leave, with the weekend to recoup. Unless you tell me otherwise, you will be here on time and ready to practice."
Mouth shut, I nodded. After all, he was right. I’d purposely showed up to practice late and it worked against me.
He dipped his head and stepped closer. "Inside these walls we are coach and gymnast. Outside, you are Adrianna Francesca Rossi and I am Konstantin Kournakova, and you are my life, but until the day comes when I can claim you in public, we cannot allow anything to deviate us from the goal."
Without saying a word, I stepped around him and walked right into the gym.
I loved him and hated him so much.
All week I’d worked my ass off. Kova and Madeline dished it out and then some. Neither coach went easy on me, which I loved. I hadn't felt that strain in so long, that soreness in all the hidden places. Sure, I'd been uncomfortable and tired and hardly able to walk by the time I got home. Mentally, it was exactly what I’d needed. I refused to allow my exhausting diseases that had the power to cripple me stand in my way. They wouldn't win. There were a few times I’d felt myself slipping and Kova was right there, talking it out of me, but making sure I was okay at the same time.
He'd been right. Now was my time and I had to make it count.
That didn't mean I wasn't dying by the end of the night and nearly crippled in the morning. A little dramatic, maybe, but Jesus, I felt bruised and battered. I soaked in Epsom baths, had Kova do deep tissue massages, and I even made sure to stay on the special diet for my illnesses. I never missed a dose of medicine either. By night, I welcomed my bed with open arms, and in the mornings I was greeted by the toilet. Morning sickness was no joke. One thing I was looking forward to being over was the constant vomiting that came with the sunrise. It was weird how the timing worked with that.
By Friday, I was counting down the hours until I got the next two days off. I'd looked into cupping, something that was supposed to be divine for sore muscles with lactic acid buildup. It pulled the skin from the underlying muscle to stimulate blood flow, which produced a faster recovery, but I wasn't sure I was ready for the little flaming cups of fire to be suctioned and dragged on me just yet. I'd ask Kova and see what he had to say. We could do a test run and see how it went.
"Hey," Kova said as I was eating lunch in the café. I felt his energy enter the room before I felt him.
I looked up, chewing an apple slice from my spinach salad. "What's up?"
He glanced over his shoulder then pulled out a chair to sit down. My brows furrowed and I eyed him curiously.
Kova leaned over and placed his elbows on his knees. "Come away with me this weekend."
My eyes popped and I almost choked on my food. "What?"
"There is this little town I want to take you to about an hour away."
The creases between my brows deepened and I slowly swallowed the bite I'd been chewing. "Is there something wrong with you?"
Kova released a full grin and dropped his head for a second. His back shook with a chuckle. He looked back up, smiling. "We already know I am not sane."
I tried not to laugh. "Isn't that the truth. But how are you going to slip away without Katja knowing?" I wanted to say Cuntja like Avery had, but I withheld.
He brushed it away like it was no issue. He didn't want to talk about her with me and I didn't blame him, but it was the first thing I thought of. I wondered how he was going to continue his infidelity on his day off if his wife was around.
"So what do you say? Stay tonight after everyone leaves and have dinner with me. I will order whatever you want, and then tomorrow, or Sunday," he offered, "we can go to this little town. Let me take you there. It is just for the day."
I placed my fork down and pushed my salad away. Kova slid it back in front of me. "Eat," he said.
We'd never gone anywhere together. "Why do you want to take me there?"
"You have been very distant with me this week and I do not want that."
"I've been a little busy working my ass off, you know…" I averted my gaze.
I had a reason to be distant, besides trying to keep my focus on gymnastics when the idea hit me.
Maybe I could finally tell him my secret tonight. He wouldn't want to take me anywhere after that, and it would give us a few days apart. There was no way he would receive the news of his child any other way but negative.
He con
tinued, trying to drive his case home. "I know. This is the last weekend before the meet that you will be free for a long time. I am selfish enough to say I want you to myself. Think about it, but at least eat with me tonight. Can you give me that?"
Chewing my lip, I nodded. "Okay."
Kova's hand slapped the table and he bounced up. I smiled at his excitement, feeling a little good to see him so happy over something so miniscule, even though I was going to ruin everything tonight.
Leaning in, he cupped the back of my neck and dropped a kiss to my forehead. I froze with his lips on me, and so did he.
"You can't do that here, Kova," I whispered.
He dropped his hand and took one step back. "I know. I was not thinking. See you later," he said, then walked out of the café.
I watched him leave, wondering what had come over him and if he was serious when he’d said he wanted me to himself for my last free weekend. I knew what he was talking about—he was hopeful I'd be chosen for the Olympic team. If I was, I'd be shipped off to the training center for four weeks—with Kova—to train for the Games with the Olympic coaches.
Thinking about that made me realize I had two choices: Tell Kova tonight that I was pregnant, or keep it a secret until it was all over.
There were a total of seven weeks from today until I left the Games, if I got lucky. Seven weeks of anxiety I had to deal with, or get it over with tonight.
Glancing down at my flat stomach, fear furled inside my chest like a bad omen. I wasn't sure when bellies started to grow, but I prayed mine wouldn't anytime soon.
What was more distressing was I had no idea how far along I was to anticipate such a thing, but that was something I didn't want to know.
My only worry was I hoped the heart wasn't already beating.
Sixty
"Why did you want to have dinner?" I asked after everyone left for the evening.
Yawning, I was sitting on the comfy couch in his office. I didn't have an appetite and I wasn't sure how I was going to eat to cover that up. All I wanted to do was go home and crash, not divulge the dirty little secret I was carrying. I glanced down at my stomach feeling a bit of remorse for calling it a dirty little secret.
"Why not?" he responded, as if my question was so odd.
I looked up, feeling defensive for reasons I couldn’t explain. "I don't know, because we never do?"
"That is why I wanted to."
I frowned, watching as Kova placed the paper bag on his desk and removed the contents. When he’d asked what I was in the mood for, I'd told him whatever he wanted. Food was the last thing on my mind.
"What else?"
He paused and stood straight. Kova looked directly in my eyes, and said, "Because you have been working hard and I feel a little distant from you. That is why."
My shoulders relaxed. He was being honest and it wasn't fair of me to be rude. "Thank you," I said.
Kova carried over the containers and we sat face to face. There was nowhere to really eat in the gym besides the café, but that felt too sterile.
Once I took a bite, my appetite came roaring back. I didn't eat too much of the steamed vegetables and fresh salmon baked in an almond butter sauce, only until I felt the first hint at being full. We took pieces of each other's food until I was full and Kova polished off the rest of mine along with his.
"This office gets a lot of action," I joked.
I curled up into the corner of the couch and nestled my cheek into the cushions with a dreamy smile. All week I'd been on edge and stressed out. Tonight, I was at peace and I wasn't sure if it was because I knew I had no choice in what I was about to say, or because being around Kova settled my nerves.
Kova got up and placed me in his lap with my back to his chest. He let out a sigh as he wrapped his strong arms around me. He kissed my temple. My eyes closed and I settled into him.
"I have been waiting all day to do this," he said in a low voice, and I chuckled. "What is so funny?"
"I was thinking that same exact thing."
"Great minds think alike."
I smiled and relished in the simplicity of how easy we were, how I totally understood when Kova said he simply did not want to say goodbye, because when there were moments like this, I didn't want to either.
"You have been awfully quiet? What is on your mind?"
My throat tightened.
So much.
Everything.
I didn't know where to begin, but I knew this was it. This was when I would tell him that where his hands were currently on my stomach, there was a life growing inside that we'd created. A life that would never be able to live.
"Nothing, really. I'm fine."
"You said fine. Now I know you have something on your mind," he said with a mixture of playfulness and unease. "Are you nervous about the meet? Because I truly feel like you have nothing to be worried about. You are a shoo-in."
"No," I said quietly.
For once I wasn't panicked about a meet. I was confident. Just thinking about walking out with my coaches, and in my crystal-encrusted leotard, as a top-ranking competitor for one of the four coveted spots on the United States Women's Olympic Gymnastics team caused a flurry of anxious dragonflies to swarm my chest. I was beyond excited for next weekend and the days couldn't come fast enough.
"Did something happen at the doctor regarding your kidneys?"
"No."
He let out a whoosh. "Thank God. Did you have a fight with Avery?"
"No."
Silence filled the room. Kova gave me a little squeeze and settled in closer to me. He was trying to dissect what was going on in my head, but he'd never guess.
I remained quiet, searching for the right words to start the conversation. I wanted to blurt it out just to get it over with, but at the same time, I was terrified.
"Ria?" His voice was thick with worry. "What is wrong? You are worrying me?"
My entire body started shaking, my breathing intensified. Kova tried to turn to face me, but I stopped him and gave him more of my back. I couldn't look at him while I did this. I didn't want to see the look in his eyes when I told him I was pregnant. Would he be relieved I was going to get an abortion? Angry I was pregnant in the first place? Or shock me completely and be disappointed with my decision? My heart raced so fast, my dinner was as heavy as a concrete block in my stomach, threatening to come back up.
"I thought you forgot about that name," I said, my voice thick with emotion.
"Is that why you are so bothered? I can use it more. I worried it came with bad memories, and I was trying to avoid those."
"No," I said, this time tears filled my eyes.
"Why can you not look at me, Adrianna? You are scaring me."
I grew warm, heat bubbling over my entire body. Oh, God. There was no way I could do this. I just couldn’t. Avery was wrong. Kova didn't need to know. There was no reason for him to know, it would only cause more unnecessary heartache.
"Please, look at me."
"I…" I started. "I need…"
"What do you need? I will give it to you."
My chest ached from the pounding it took from my heart. I shook my head and dragged in a taxing breath, trying to pull up even a sliver of courage to tell him, but I was struggling to find it. This had to be the hardest thing I’d ever had to do in my life.
"Do you remember when you asked me if my back was up against a wall with a decision that could change my life, what would I do?"
Kova was quiet before he answered in a low voice. "Yes."
"Well…" I began and swallowed as my body roasted with trepidation. "It's my turn to ask that. If you were backed up against a wall with a decision that could change your life, what would you do?"
Kova's body turned to stone under me.
"What do you need to tell me?"
"Answer the question."
Kova rambled in Russian.
"Answer the question, Kova," I said again with a little bite this time.
"No," h
e said, breathless. "I invented this game. Now tell me what you are hiding."
Tears spilled from my eyes and I shot up from his lap. A gush of air expelled from my lungs. I started pacing his office, staring at the floor wishing it would open up and remove me from this cruel world of anxiety that suffocated me. My chest was so tight, strict with lack of air, and my heart was such a mess I thought I was going to vomit.
Kova stood up and tried to come to me but I wouldn't allow it. I put up my hand to stop him.
Grabbing my keys and cell phone from his desk, I made a beeline for the door. He was quick, though, and slammed it shut. I held my breath and felt his chest to my back and his arm wrap possessively around my hips. There wasn't an ounce of anger coming from Kova and while that was relieving, it was also terrifying, because if he knew the truth, I don't think he'd touch me. I clenched my eyes shut, wishing I had the strength to tell him.
"Let me leave," I begged, barely above a whisper.
He forced me to turn around to face him, but I couldn't look. I stared at his chest, ashamed.
Kova lifted my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. "What are you hiding?" he asked, his heart clearly holding those words. His frantic eyes searched mine for a clue. "Did you fuck Hayden again? Because I swear on my dead mother’s grave…"
Shaking my head, I was offended he would think that, even though I knew he was still sleeping with his wife. "No, you lunatic."
"Then what is it?"
"What would you do?" I asked again, going back to my original question he'd avoided.
Kova exhaled. His gaze lifted above my head as his eyes searched for the right words. Then he looked back down. "I guess I would do exactly what you said to me when I asked you that. Now do you understand why I did what I did? Why I had no choice? Why I hid the unwanted marriage?"
I nodded, my lips a flat line coated with salty tears. Sorrow filled his green eyes. His words dripping like melting wax. I got it, even though I hated it more than anything.
"To tell the person you love that you are marrying someone else causes a stairway of turmoil so bad that no one could ever anticipate. I did not even realize I loved you then, but I could not stand to see you suffer, so I thought I could hide it. I thought I would find a way to divorce her before you could know, but I had nothing. In the end, I was not strong enough to admit it to you." He paused. "Is whatever you are holding in why you have been distant with me?"
