His willingness to bring her coffee when she needed it was rapidly becoming one of his best qualities.
She tossed a quick glance at him, then pretended this old cabin had zero effect on her.
Nonchalant was the word of the day.
Sure, I can be in this place and not think about the stupid things we used to do here when we were kids. I can pretend we didn’t play house and act like we were a whole lot older than we really were. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
She opened the truck door and made a beeline for the porch. To the right, underneath a pot of dead flowers, was a single silver key, same one Dad had left there all those years ago.
How they never got caught out here still remained a mystery. Her father’s trust in her sometimes shamed her all by itself.
She stuck the key in the door and pushed it open, a musty, dusty smell hitting her nostrils. He came up behind her and inhaled.
“Oh, Josh, I don’t know if you can stay here.” She looked around the dank space, filthy from lack of use.
“It’s fine.” He pushed past her and dropped his bags on the floor, dust particles catching the light gleaming in from the window.
“It’s not fine.”
“It will be when we’re done with it,” he said. “And I don’t mind cleaning this place on my own. You didn’t have to come.”
“Do you want me to go?”
He tilted his head and looked at her. “It’s a little late now.”
“I can call Quinn to come get me and drive me home.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Besides, we both know you weren’t about to let me out here without you supervising every little bit of everything.”
That was true. She didn’t want to open the cabin and give him free rein until she saw what condition it was in. She didn’t like the idea of him staying here at all, but she especially didn’t like the idea of him staying here without her checking it all out first.
“You’re right, it would make a great rental.” He walked over to the bay window in the living room and pulled the curtains open, coughing as the dust kicked up.
“Maybe we should toss those curtains,” she said.
He walked from the living room into the adjoining kitchen, stopping at the bottom of a ladder that went up to a singular loft bedroom.
Two bathrooms completed the space, and, of course, the big porch off the back with stellar views of the lake. It was a small house, but perfect for a couple of kids looking to escape their parents.
He turned around and caught her staring. “It’s weird being back here.” His eyes were full of her, and he seemed perfectly fine that they were.
She, on the other hand, was anything but. “I’ll go get the cleaning supplies from the truck.” She dashed out of the cabin and used her sternest internal monologue to remind herself that all of these pesky feelings were not okay.
That’s enough giddiness, Carly Raeanne.
She used both her names when she really needed to get through to herself. But when she fetched the bag of cleaning supplies and spun around to find him watching her from the front porch, she realized her stubbornness was going to be hard to combat.
Why had Josh always been so hard for her to resist?
Maybe it was the way he looked at her—long, deep stares with intensity behind his eyes, like he was thinking thoughts he shouldn’t be thinking at the most inopportune times. Or maybe it was the unexpected gentle way he always spoke to her when they were together. Or perhaps the impossible way his brokenness turned him into a walking mystery?
Whatever it was, Josh Dixon made her want to throw out the rules.
From the very second he had asked her out, Carly knew she would never love anyone the way she loved him. It was an innocent kind of love, the kind that comes with first kisses and awkward moments. The kind that stayed innocent for a very long time—a fact nobody would’ve believed.
Everyone had assumed they knew the kind of guy Josh was, but assumptions weren’t facts, and Josh had never pressured her to have sex.
It had even surprised her, if she was honest, and sometimes she wondered if he simply wasn’t attracted to her.
When the bell rang at the end of seventh hour the Friday before junior prom, Carly nearly leapt from her desk and out into the hallway.
Finally. She could focus on prom.
She’d had to twist Josh’s arm to even take her to the prom—though he swore his unwillingness had nothing to do with her and everything to do with the fact that he didn’t want to get all dressed up and go to a school dance.
Eventually, he’d relented, as he usually did, and Carly’s happiness won out over his. Beverly had taken her shopping for the perfect prom dress, and they’d found it. With a pink tulle skirt and a silver-beaded pink bodice, it made Carly feel like a princess. She couldn’t wait for Josh to see her.
They’d do all the typical prom things—pictures with gawking Mom-arazzi, dinner at Capri, grand march, dance—but it was the post-prom activities she’d planned that she was most excited about—The Sandlot 2 was playing at the movie theater, and she’d already bought tickets.
It might seem childish, but it would be the cherry on the top of a potentially perfect evening. The Sandlot had been their favorite movie as kids, and while there was no way the sequel would live up to the first one, how could they not see it?
Josh had told her they could do whatever she wanted. And this was what she wanted, so he was happy to oblige.
Now, as she left Mr. Jensen’s Honors English class, she practically bounded down the hallway toward Josh’s locker, like a prisoner who’d just been paroled.
But as she approached the familiar spot in the hall, what she saw nearly stopped her in her tracks.
Belinda Tipton, dressed in her tiny cheerleading skirt, stood way too close to Josh. They were talking, their heads close together, and the sight of it made Carly’s heart sputter.
She’d heard Belinda had a crush on Josh, but this confirmed it. The only question was—did he feel the same?
Bubbly and perky and everything a cheerleader should be, Belinda had a reputation for getting what she wanted. The thought that what she wanted was her boyfriend had Carly’s stomach turning cartwheels.
Belinda tossed her head back, laughing much more loudly than she needed to. Josh glanced up and saw Carly standing there, and quickly took a step away from Belinda.
“Hey,” he said.
Belinda turned, gave Carly a once-over, then looked back at Josh. “Save me that dance, okay?” She pranced off without a word to Carly, who felt small and plain in the other girl’s presence.
“What did she want?” she asked, doing her best to keep her tone light, as if she could pretend she didn’t care who Josh talked to, as if she was secure in their relationship, which she had been up until that exact moment.
“You know Belinda.” Josh shut his locker and didn’t say another word.
Later, Carly’s friend Beth told her that Belinda had a bet going with the other cheerleaders that she could get Josh to ditch Carly at the dance and leave with her.
That tidbit of gossip plagued Carly for the rest of the night and the following day right up until Josh showed up at her house to take her to the prom.
She questioned the sincerity of his compliment when he saw her in the princess dress and told her how beautiful she looked. She sat through dinner wondering if Josh would rather be sitting across from Belinda. And when they arrived at the country club for the grand march, she found herself scanning the crowd for Belinda, as if knowing exactly where she was would change anything.
“You okay?” Josh asked as they stood in the long line of couples about to parade up onto the stage and out to the back of the big banquet hall.
“I’m fine,” she said.
“You seem distracted.”
If she mentioned Belinda, would she sound needy and whiny? The kind of girl she swore she’d never be?
But if she didn’t mention her, would it ruin their night? It
wasn’t like she was doing a good job of forgetting what she’d heard—and an even worse job of forgetting what she’d seen.
“I’m fine,” she repeated.
“You keep saying that, but you don’t seem fine.” He fixed his eyes on something ahead of him, and she saw the annoyance in his expression. She was irritating him. She had to be careful or she’d run him off. She knew that. He had plenty of other girls waiting in the wings, including one of the prettiest in school.
She slipped her hand in his as they stepped up onto the stage. He glanced down and she smiled at him. She was being ridiculous. She and Josh were meant to be—nothing Belinda or anyone else said or did could change that.
But an hour later, Carly exited the bathroom stall to find Belinda leaning against the sink, as if she were waiting for her.
Carly’s heart raced. Why was she nervous? It wasn’t like Belinda was going to beat her up or something. Right?
“You and Josh are really cute,” Belinda said.
“Thanks,” Carly said dryly.
“But don’t you think you’re kidding yourself a little?”
Carly found Belinda’s eyes in the mirror.
Belinda smiled innocently. “I mean, it was cute when we were underclassmen, but he’s outgrown you, don’t you think?”
Carly turned off the faucet and moved past Belinda to get a paper towel.
“Face it, Carly, he’s hot and you’re a nerd. How long do you think he’s going to keep dating you once he realizes it?”
She dried her hands and threw the paper towel in the garbage.
Where was her snappy comeback? Her witty repartee? Why was she frozen in the other girl’s presence, as if stringing two words together was too complicated?
She left the bathroom even more worried and distracted than she’d been when she came in.
Josh smiled. “The dance is almost over—what’s the plan?”
She reached into her purse and pulled out the movie tickets, but quickly stuffed them back inside. “Nothing, it’s stupid.”
He frowned. “Let me see, Carly. Come on.” He reached across her and pulled out the tickets. “Sandlot 2?” He laughed.
She snatched the tickets out of his hand and shoved them back in her purse.
He backed away and frowned at her. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t really feel like going to the movie anymore,” she said.
“What? You were so excited.”
“It’s kind of babyish, don’t you think?”
He shrugged. “It’s an ode to our childhood. I think it’s awesome.” He took her hand. “What’s wrong?”
She looked up into his eyes—ocean-colored and full of kindness—and she knew she had to ask him. She had to know, even if she didn’t like his answer. And if he lied, she would know because she always knew when he was keeping something from her.
“Do you like Belinda?”
Josh’s forehead wrinkled. “Belinda Tipton?”
“How many Belindas do we know?”
He planted himself in front of her, took her face in his hands and smiled. “You’re cute when you’re jealous.”
She swatted his hands away. “I’m serious, Josh.”
“Carly, no. I don’t like Belinda Tipton—how can you even ask me that?”
“I hear things.”
“You heard I liked her?”
She looked away. She was becoming the exact girl she did not want to be. And while she believed Josh, she also worried that maybe he didn’t even realize he was getting tired of his childish relationship with Carly.
Maybe he had outgrown her. He’d turned in to the kind of guy who would ride a motorcycle, while Carly would always be the girl at the library on Friday night.
Surely he saw that too.
What if Josh started thinking about Belinda—about what she’d be willing to give him—about how he really did want what she was offering?
No guy in their right mind would turn her down.
That’s what she was thinking when she left the dance. Those were the thoughts running through her mind when she told him to turn toward the old fishing cabin instead of the movie theater.
I’m going to lose him.
Up until that point, their physical relationship had been pretty tame. They kissed (a lot), but not much else. That night, everything changed.
It would’ve been easy to blame it all on Josh. Everybody would’ve believed that it was his idea to have sex. After all, wasn’t the guy usually the one instigating physicality? But Carly knew the truth. She had pushed the issue because she was afraid he would get bored with her. She was afraid she would lose him, and that thought above every other thought was what pushed her forward.
In the heat of the moment, he’d stopped, pulling himself away from her. “I need a minute.”
“What’s wrong?” she’d asked, not sure she wanted an answer.
He heaved a sigh, still working to catch his breath. “I just need to calm down.”
She pressed her hands on his bare chest and kissed his neck. “Why?”
He pushed her off of him and trained his gaze on hers. “Carly, are you sure this is what you want?”
She replied with a kiss. Then another. Then another. Fueled by the idea that this would make him stay. He would never leave her now.
Afterward, they looked at each other for a brief moment and Carly knew nothing between them would ever be the same again. She had changed everything, as she’d intended to, but nothing felt like she’d expected.
Embarrassment, not boldness, creeped up her neck, flushing her cheeks red. What had she done?
She wasn’t even sure they’d done it right. Did it count? It had been awkward and a little painful. It had been quick and embarrassing. Was that how sex was supposed to be?
Her heart raced and her head scolded her, and despite her best efforts, she melted into a puddle of tears.
Josh sat up straight, confusion on his face. Of course he was confused. Not two minutes before, Carly had practically thrown herself at him. Now, in the shadow of their decision, she was falling apart, and she knew it was unfair to expect him to put her back together.
He reached for her, but she shrank away. “I think I need to go home.”
He sighed. “Carly, oh man. I’m sorry—I thought . . .”
She shook her head. “It’s okay. I just want to go home.”
He sat still for several seconds, then finally they gathered their clothes, got dressed and left the little cabin on the lake.
They rode in silence, and when they reached her street, he slowed down, as if that might stop time. As if they could turn back the clock and make sense of what they’d done.
“I’m really sorry,” he said as he pulled up in front of her house.
She shook her head and wiped her cheeks dry. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I thought it was what you wanted.”
She looked at him. “Me too, but maybe I thought it would be different.”
“Maybe we can go back to the way things were? Pretend it didn’t happen? I don’t need that right now, Carly.”
But she didn’t believe him. She knew how teenage boys were. Everyone made it clear they all only wanted one thing. Did it matter that Josh had never made her feel that way?
She looked at her house and thought of her dad, who would be sitting in his recliner, watching old reruns of M*A*S*H and waiting for her to get home. “I don’t think we can ever go back.”
He reached across the front seat and took her hand. “Let’s at least try.”
She looked at him, and she thought in that moment that maybe Josh actually loved her, that maybe he’d loved her before that night and she’d made this decision without thinking it through, without consulting him. She’d assumed she knew what he wanted, but was it possible she’d misjudged him? What if Belinda wasn’t what he wanted at all? What if he’d been perfectly content with the way things were despite their differences?
Or maybe because of
their differences?
She touched his face, then leaned closer, kissing him on the lips the way they’d done a thousand times before. “Okay,” she said. “Let’s try.”
But the truth was, they both knew it would never have worked to pretend that night didn’t happen, even if everything had gone differently. Their sweet, innocent relationship was different now, and no amount of wishing it weren’t would change that.
Now, Carly squeezed the bucket of cleaning supplies. “Maybe I should go home. Jaden’s probably awake now, and I don’t think Quinn is picking him up for another hour.”
Josh stepped off the porch and met her in the yard. “You’re uncomfortable being here.”
“No, I’m not.”
“That’s the second time you’ve mentioned leaving.”
She shook her head. “I’ve been here plenty of times.” (With him and not since.) “It’s just a cabin.”
“Right,” he said.
“So let’s just work, okay?”
He raised his hands as if in surrender and she pushed past him, anxious to shut herself away, turn her brain off and stay focused on something she could control.
Because right now, it seemed everything else in her life had a mind of its own.
17
A little after noon, Quinn pulled up in front of the cabin. Josh knew if he wanted to have any chance with Carly, he needed to prove himself not just to her, but to her family.
He’d start with Quinn—Gus was far too much of a challenge at this point.
Jaden got out of the passenger side carrying three grocery bags.
“Got the stuff you asked for,” he said as he approached the porch.
“Where’s Carly?” Quinn asked, one hand shielding her eyes from the sun.
“She’s scouring the kitchen like a madwoman,” Josh said.
“She cleans when she’s anxious,” Quinn murmured.
Jaden peeked inside the open door. “Not bad for a morning’s work.”
“Yeah, it’s not a bad little place,” Josh said.
Jaden went inside, leaving him standing on the porch with his almost-sister-in-law, though he and Carly had never married. She seemed to have something to say.
Just One Kiss: A Harbor Pointe Novel Page 14
