“Go ahead,” he said.
Her brow clenched. “Go ahead with what?”
“I know you’ve just been waiting for the right time to give me a piece of your mind.”
She shrugged. “No, I haven’t.”
He only stared.
“Fine, I have,” she said.
“So, bring it on. I can take it.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “I see the way you look at her, Josh.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, if you’ve got it in your head you guys might be able to try again, but she can’t take it—you have no idea what it did to her when you left.”
Maybe he couldn’t take it. “I know,” he murmured.
“But you don’t. She loved you more than anything,” Quinn said. “And you just walked away. You don’t just get over that.”
His heart squeezed. I’m not over it either. But he had no right. It was his choice—his actions that had done them in.
“I’m telling you, she seems strong, but she’s actually pretty fragile, and with everything going on with Jaden—she’s not thinking straight. The last thing she needs is for you to walk in here and make everything even more confusing with your—” she motioned toward his chest—“muscles and your blue eyes and all that nonsense.”
A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, but he quickly put it back in its place. “I never meant to hurt her, Quinn.”
“You hurt all of us, Josh,” she said.
He thought of all the times Quinn tagged along with him and Carly, the little sister he never had. He’d served as her protector back in those days, and she idolized him—he knew she did. But he’d thrown that away.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” he said.
“I’m fine,” Quinn said. “It’s Carly I’m worried about. I know you’re a good guy, Josh—just not her guy. Stay away from her heart, okay?”
He sighed. He didn’t want to make a promise he couldn’t keep.
“Okay?”
He nodded dumbly. “Okay.”
Later that afternoon, he fired up the rusty grill, cooked burgers and brats and they all sat on the back porch eating and admiring the view. Josh had turned Quinn’s words over in his head a thousand times and they still didn’t sit well. He didn’t want to stay away from Carly’s heart. He wanted to deserve her—to prove to all of them he’d changed.
To make right the things he’d done so wrong in the past.
Nobody said a word about what was coming the next day, but Jaden’s surgery had a way of looming like the giant elephant in every room.
After lunch, Quinn drove off to the training center with Jaden, leaving him alone with his very quiet, very focused ex.
By nightfall, Carly’s hair had fallen from her hair tie and her face had grown tired. But she’d moved from the kitchen to the bathrooms and now vacuumed the loft where Josh would sleep. She’d brought fresh sheets, which were now on the bed, and while all the window coverings were going to have to be replaced, the little cabin felt clean and livable.
Still, she showed no signs of stopping.
It had become clear at some point during the day that Carly was cleaning to work out some of her aggression, so for the most part, he stayed out of her way, turning most of his attention to the yard.
But it was late, and they had a big day tomorrow.
He called up into the loft, but her back was to him and the sound of the vacuum drowned him out. She didn’t even stir. He moved up the ladder with ease, his mind spinning back to the days and sometimes nights they’d show up here instead of the movies or down on the beach where they’d told their parents they were headed.
They’d said their first time would be the only time—they’d go back to the way things were. But that one time had set in motion something that couldn’t be taken back.
Another way he’d been a bad influence on her, to be sure. No way she would’ve ever dreamed of breaking into this place or continued having sex if it hadn’t been for him.
But their time here hadn’t always been about that. Some nights they lay in the backyard on a giant blanket, looking up at the stars and dreaming of a future together in spite of the fact that they were headed on completely different paths.
He called out to her, but she still didn’t hear him. He waved his arms so he didn’t startle her, but still—nothing. He saw headphones in her ears, so in addition to the roar of the vacuum, he was also contending with her Spotify station.
“Carly!” He reached out and tapped her on the shoulder and she jumped, gasped and clung to her chest.
Exactly what he was trying to avoid.
“Sorry—sorry.” He held up his hands in surrender as she hurried to turn off the vacuum.
“You scared me to death,” she said.
“I called your name at least six times.”
She plopped down onto the bed, clearly trying to calm her nerves. “I didn’t hear you.”
Obviously.
“I think we should call it a night,” he said.
She ran her hands over her face and sighed. “But if I stop, then I’ll have to think.”
“We could go downstairs and watch TV.”
“On my dad’s tiny old television?”
He shrugged. “It works okay.”
“I remember.”
He remembered too. He remembered her laugh when the only thing they could get on that fuzzy old set were reruns of Archie Bunker. He remembered sharing a blanket on the worn-out old couch and feeling for a moment like that was the best possible future he could imagine for them.
Here, it was quiet and peaceful. Nobody was fighting or crying or screaming at him. This old cabin was one of the few places in the world where Josh felt relaxed.
Did she remember the promises they’d made to each other right here in this place?
Man, he missed the simple, peaceful relationship they’d shared. He’d had nothing like it—not before or since.
He looked at her, doing nothing to hide the longing he felt.
“You’re right. We should call it a night,” she said abruptly, standing and winding up the cord on the vacuum cleaner. “It’s getting late and Jaden will be home soon.”
He moved out of the way so she could descend the ladder, aware that the good memories from their past had the same effect on her that the bad ones did.
And that was something he had no idea how to change.
18
Josh: I know it’s 3:00 a.m. but are you up?
Carly: Yes.
Josh: Me too. Worried?
Carly: Trying not to be.
Josh: I keep thinking of every verse I’ve ever read in the Bible about not being anxious and God caring about sparrows. Somehow I’m still sitting here begging him to watch out for our son.
Carly: You’re praying?
Josh: Feels like the only thing I can do right now.
The day of the surgery, Carly woke up early.
They had to be at the hospital by six in the morning, so she’d set her alarm for five, and she was pretty sure she’d only been asleep an hour.
It might seem like her medical training would come in handy at a time like this, but she was finding her knowledge of all the risks of surgery did more harm than good.
She shook Jaden, who wanted no part of being awake, then headed downstairs to make a cup of coffee when a light rap on the front door startled her.
She pulled her short robe around her body and tied it, then went to the door and peered outside.
Josh stood on the porch, clean shaven and showered, wearing a pair of jeans and an old Michigan State T-shirt she thought she recognized from high school.
She opened the door. “What are you doing here?”
“Brought you this.” He held up a to-go cup of coffee from Hazel’s Kitchen along with a brown paper bag. “You still like chocolate chip muffins, don’t you?”
He remembered? She reached out and took the bag, opened it and stuck her nose inside, inhal
ing the buttery, chocolatey scent. Heaven.
“You didn’t have to do this,” she said.
“I know. I wanted to. Is he up?”
Carly shook her head.
“Can I come in? I want to see him before we head over.”
She clutched the cup of coffee to her chest. “Josh, I think maybe we need to talk about something.”
He frowned, but surely he knew what she was going to say.
“Nothing’s going to happen here, you know that, right?”
His eyes searched hers, and while she thought she saw disappointment, he quickly recovered, nonchalantly shrugging. “‘Course I know that.”
“Okay, because you’ve said some things since you’ve been here—and then being at the cabin yesterday—”
“Just nostalgia,” he said. The sparkle in his eyes flickered. “I know where you stand.”
Regret twisted in her belly and she wanted to kick herself. He’d been great since he’d been back—and here he was being more thoughtful than she deserved, and how did she respond? By putting him squarely in his place.
But she needed to make things clear now, before her jumbled-up feelings turned even more confusing. Before it was too late to protect herself.
While she’d tossed and turned last night over Jaden’s surgery, she’d also been replaying her interactions with Josh—and the play-by-play had led her to the conclusion that she needed to be very careful.
She needed her anger to keep her safe, and some days, she discovered she didn’t feel angry with him anymore. Some days, she remembered why she’d liked him in the first place. He was funny and surprising and when he looked at her, he made her feel seen.
But she couldn’t let herself forget, not even for a moment, the pain he’d caused her when he broke her heart.
She wondered sometimes if Quinn was right. Maybe she’d never completely recovered.
She’d decided after his late-night text had sent her heart reverberating on an endless loop that her only course of action was to be straight with him. To set those rules up and make it clear—even if it made her feel like a jerk.
Which it had, in fact, done. Especially since he’d shown up with coffee and muffins.
“So, we understand each other?” she asked quietly.
“Yeah,” he said. “You want me to stop telling you you’re beautiful.” His gaze settled on her, and she suddenly felt naked. She wished her hands were free so she could pull her robe even tighter.
“That’s a good start.”
“Even if you are beautiful?”
She laughed. “I just woke up.”
His face shifted, but his body was still. “Yep.”
“This is what I’m talking about,” she said.
“This is called chemistry.” His mouth twitched upward in a slight grin. “Doesn’t come around every day.”
She took a small step back. Where was her anger now? Where was her suit of armor? Her heart was exposed, like a wounded soldier left behind with no cover in a gunfight.
“Dad?”
Josh looked past her, following the sound of Jaden’s voice, then smiled. “There’s the man of the hour.”
“What are you doing here? I thought you were meeting us at the hospital?”
“Just brought over some coffee and breakfast for your mom.” He brushed past Carly on his way inside, the nearness of him sending her senses on high alert. “And I wanted to see you.”
Carly closed the door, begging her heart to stop racing.
“How are you feeling?” Josh asked.
Jaden shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”
Josh stared at him, and for a moment, it seemed the two of them were communicating telepathically, as if they had their own language that required no words at all.
“You’re going to be fine,” Josh said, clapping a hand on Jaden’s arm.
Josh had no medical expertise whatsoever, and yet, she clung to his words. It was as if she’d needed to hear them herself.
Jaden’s shoulders slumped like a deflating tire and he pressed his fingers into his eyes, the faintest sob escaping as he did. “I don’t want to do this.”
Carly stood frozen, confused—Jaden had seemed fine last night. He’d even been in a good mood. She thought he was handling it so well, so much better than she was. It was as if Josh had known the truth the second he asked how Jaden was feeling, like he had a sixth sense about their son that even Carly didn’t share.
It should make her angry. It wasn’t fair that she’d been the one to raise him all these years, and Josh had swooped in to save the day again. But anger wasn’t what she felt now. Her heart broke as she watched Josh step forward and pull their son, nearly the same height as his father, into a tight embrace.
The kind of hug only a father could give. Strong. Steady. Reassuring.
Was Josh these things to Jaden now?
She expected Jaden to pull away, but instead, he stood unmoving, allowing his father to comfort him.
Josh pulled back and put his hands on Jaden’s shoulders, leveling their gazes. “This is just a minor setback. A bump in the road. You get this done, then you can recover and move on—and you’ll be healthier and stronger because of it.”
Jaden nodded.
Josh glanced at Carly. The cup of coffee grew cooler in her hand, and she’d crumpled the brown paper bag to half its size she’d been holding it so tightly. He reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, the other one still pressed on Jaden’s.
“I should’ve been straight with you from the second I knocked on the door,” he said. “I’m still having trouble figuring out how to be a dad and not overstep.”
Carly frowned. What was he going to say? Was he going to try and make this day about him—about their past—about his mistakes? This day was about none of those things.
“But I came here because I felt like God told me we needed to pray together before we went to the hospital.”
Jaden nodded, as if to agree. As if this were normal. As if he and Josh had had conversations about God before. Carly, on the other hand, felt like she was smack in the center of some strange alternate reality—a world in which her ex, the father of her child, made adult decisions with the wisdom of a real father.
“I hope that’s okay, Car,” Josh said.
Jaden’s bloodshot eyes darted to hers, and once again, her heart nearly cracked in two. “Of course.” Her own voice quavered.
Josh bowed his head and closed his eyes, and when he began to pray, he didn’t fumble or search for the right words. He had an easy, laid-back conversation that started off by thanking God for their son and ended with asking Him to be with them all that day.
Carly screwed her eyes shut tight as she listened to Josh’s heartfelt words float up toward heaven. And she probably would’ve made it through the prayer without a single tear if he hadn’t asked God specifically to be with Carly, to comfort her and calm her mind, to give her the peace that passes all understanding.
His hand slid down from her shoulder to her fingers as he prayed, and he squeezed her hand gently.
A tear slid down her cheek as Josh said “Amen” and she quickly wiped it away.
Jaden drew in a quick breath, wiped his cheeks dry and gave his dad a nod. “Thanks.”
Josh nodded, removed his hand from Jaden’s shoulder and glanced at Carly. She refused his eyes.
“I’m going to finish getting ready.” Jaden disappeared up the stairs, leaving her standing with Josh in the entryway of her house, confused at the way he continued to surprise her.
“I hope it was okay I did that,” he said.
She didn’t respond. She couldn’t respond. Because everything she knew about Josh Dixon had gone into a blender and it had just been turned on to “puree.”
He left you when you needed him most.
“I should let you get ready,” he said. “I’ll see you at the hospital.” He moved toward the door, brushing her shoulder with his as he did. Before he pulled it open, he turned
back and found her eyes, undoubtedly curious and questioning.
“He’s going to be okay,” he said.
Carly’s lower lip trembled and she bit it to keep from crying.
He took a step toward her, but she took a step back. She could not accept his comfort right now. She was too weary, too vulnerable. Too afraid.
He must’ve sensed it because he froze in place.
She expected him to turn for the door. To leave. To run. Because that was what Josh did when things got messy. That was what she wanted him to do so she could cry in peace.
But he stood unmoving, waiting for her to meet his eyes, something she absolutely would not allow herself to do.
She stared at the ground, chewing her bottom lip as if her life depended on it, as if it were the only thing keeping the dam of tears from breaking.
He took the coffee and brown paper bag and set them on the table near the front door. Then he reached out and took her hand before she could pull it away.
“He’s going to be okay,” Josh repeated.
Carly knew he was right. It was illogical to be this worried. And yet, what if he didn’t wake up from the anesthesia? What if the implant didn’t work? What if it malfunctioned? What if their son’s heart condition was scarier and more serious than any of them realized?
How had this happened? And more importantly—why?
Josh inched closer as Carly’s mind spun, the lump at the base of her throat doubling in size. His grip on her hand loosened and he slid his hand up her arm, taking another step closer. “Carly,” he said.
Still, she wouldn’t look at him, but the sob caught in her throat and she realized she’d been holding it together for so very long—it was as if every ounce of fear had pooled inside of her, securely positioned in a little box at the back of her mind, and with every kind word he kicked the box closer and closer to the front of her mind. One more word and he’d knock the lid off and the contents would come spilling out.
He tucked the finger of his free hand under her chin and lifted it until her eyes finally met his.
The box tipped over. Her heart gushed out. Fresh tears streamed down her cheeks.
“I know you’re worried,” Josh said. “And exhausted.” He looked at her so earnestly, so kindly, something inside her shifted. “But he really is going to be okay.”
Just One Kiss: A Harbor Pointe Novel Page 15
