Forgiveness and Permission

by C. L. Stone

  I brought my fingertips from his mouth to mine, covering my lips. “I’d back up against the wall to give you room.”

  “I’d follow you,” he said, he drew close, his lips hovering over my fingers covering my mouth. His breath caressed my face. “I’d hold you like this, meaning to say something positive to keep you there. Then I’d get lost in those crazy eyes of yours. I’d tell you how I needed you now.”

  I lost the comment I had prepared, something funny to retort. All that escaped my lips was a soft inhale, breathing in his sugar and vanilla scent.

  He bent his head, closing his eyes. He kissed my fingers over my mouth. His lips parted, caressing my hand, warming. My eyes closed through their own will, my lips parting and slack against my own fingers. It wasn’t a direct kiss, of course, but my heart flipped in my chest. It was more intimate than Nathan kissing my hand.

  He kissed my hand again, and slowly backed his head away, his eyes slits as he gazed at me. “I need you, Sang,” he whispered. “Don’t leave me.”

  “I won’t,” I whispered through my fingers, terrified to move. I didn’t want to mess up and ruin the moment. “If you want me to stay ...”

  “I want you, Sang,” he said, his voice strengthening. “Stay with us ... with me.”

  The way he said it sent me spiraling with worries. This was what he wanted from me all along. He really was worried I’d leave. Was it because he thought someone from the Academy, the others who would work there and meet me, could they ever sway me? Didn’t he realize how grateful I was to them?

  The phone in my bra started to buzz to life. With him so close, he felt it, too. I kept my hand over my lips, and my free hand pulled the phone out. It was a call from North.

  My eyes widened. I pushed the button and held the phone to my ear. “Yes?” I said through my fingers.

  Luke leaned in like he was going to listen, but his lips found my hand again over my mouth.

  “Where’s Luke?” North demanded.

  Luke grinned as he kissed my fingers. I had to back my head away from my hand to respond to North. “Right here,” I said. Literally.

  “Why doesn’t he have his phone? I tried calling,” North bellowed. “Give him the phone.”

  I held the phone out to Luke. “It’s for you.”

  Luke groaned, backing off of me to sit back. He put the phone to his ear. “What?”

  I couldn’t hear what North was saying, but he sounded angry. Luke wasn’t responding, only listening. He glanced at me occasionally. I gave him puzzled looks but he only shook his head.

  Luke readily agreed with North and hung up on him, rolling his eyes. “We’re supposed to go to sleep. And I’m not allowed to take you shopping again.”

  “While we’re being watched?” I asked.

  “I think he meant ever.”

  I pouted. “That’s not fair. We didn’t do anything.”

  “I know,” Luke said. He pushed a palm to his forehead. “He’s not always Mr. Sunshine of course, but he’s been worse than usual lately.”

  “Is he okay?”

  “I don’t know.” Luke dropped his hand from his face and reached to snap the light on. “But I hope he gets over it soon. I might not be able to take it.”

  I sighed, following Luke back out into the bedroom. I wondered if it was my fault. Maybe I’d been waking him up early with asking about dreams too often.

  A BRIEF ENCOUNTER

  Friday morning, Luke shook me awake. “Sang, you’re dreaming.”

  I groaned, rolling over. “I know,” I said. I pushed my face back into the pillow. I’d hardly slept all night and the one point I did sleep, it felt like I did nothing but dream.

  “Come on. Get up and tell me about it.”

  I grumbled, sitting up and pushing the covers back. Luke sat cross-legged on the bed. He held his arms open. I absentmindedly crawled into his lap, grateful for a cozy spot to wake up in. “I don’t want to tell you,” I said. “It’s pointless.”

  “Tell me anyway,” he said. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing his cheek to my forehead. “Please?”

  I sighed. “I dreamed there was a big wolf trying to get after me. I was running through some building to get away.”

  He cupped my cheek in his palm. “Did he get you?”

  “Almost.”

  “But he didn’t,” Luke said. “Did I wake you in time?”

  I nodded.

  Luke smiled. He picked up my hand, bringing the fingers to his lips. He kissed my knuckles. “I saved you.”

  I wanted to resist, but my lips betrayed me, curling up at the corners. “Yes.”

  “Good,” he said. He focused on me, pushing my fingers to my own mouth. I stilled, and he leaned in, closed his eyes, and kissed my fingers while I pressed them to my mouth. He backed away, smiling. “I like saving you.”

  I playfully rolled my eyes. “Luke ...”

  He nudged me to get up. “Let’s get going before we’re late and Kota comes in after us.”

  The thought of Kota had my heart pounding again. It seemed every moment I was getting closer to disaster. Luke was nearly kissing my mouth. I wondered about the next time someone would ask for a date, or find out about the kissing.

  If Kota only knew ...

  I took extra care in the bath that morning, shaving, scrubbing clean every part, and washing my hair in Gabriel’s special shampoo that he’d made for me. While the evenings have finally been cooling off a little, the days were still very warm. I put on one of the nicer darker skirts, and matched it with a pink T-shirt Gabriel had commented on going with it.

  I found Luke downstairs, already dressed and waiting with my bags in hand. He beamed at me, his eyes sliding across the clothes and he seemed to approve. “Ready?”

  I was about to say yes, when I stopped. “Do you think Kota would mind if I asked Marie if she wanted a ride?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Let me go ask.”

  I stumbled back up the stairs again, knocking softly at Marie’s door. “Marie?”

  I heard mumbling.

  “Do you want a ride to school? You can come with us.”

  There was more mumbling. I wasn’t sure what she was saying but I waited, hesitant to leave her alone and have her miss school again.

  The door swung open. Marie wavered in the doorway, combing her fingers through her hair. She did a pony tail behind her head. The blue T-shirt she wore looked like the same one she had on yesterday. “Why do you all leave so early?”

  “We get there before it’s crowded and the parking lot is full,” I said, relieved she was up. “Would you like a ride?”

  “I said yes,” she grumbled. She disappeared again, grabbing her bookbag. “Let’s go.”

  Despite what Luke said, I was nervous walking out to Kota’s car waiting in the driveway. I wondered if Kota would be upset that I’d asked Marie without actually talking to him first.

  Kota didn’t miss a beat. He popped out of the driver’s side quickly, opening the rear side door.

  “Morning,” he said, looking at Marie first but his eyes slid to me, beaming. “Everything okay?”

  “Yes,” I said. In an effort to keep Marie from getting nervous, I slid into the middle. Luke sat on one side, Marie on the other.

  Nathan sat in the front passenger seat. He twisted to look back at us. “Everyone good?”

  I nodded, buckling in. Luke’s leg casually pressed to mine but Marie seemed to make an effort to avoid touching me despite the crowded back seat. I didn’t totally mind. I wanted to get along with her, but if I were honest, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d touched her. That was a little too much for me right now.

  The car ride was quiet, which was unusual. Kota normally asked us if homework was done and a number of other things, possibly to keep us awake. At school, Marie hopped out quickly, mumbled something and headed inside.

  We stood together outside of Kota’s car, watching as Marie walked ahead of us toward the building
.

  “At least she’s here,” I said.

  “It might not be a good thing she is,” Nathan said. “She might tell Danielle what’s going on.”

  “Can’t worry about it now,” Kota said. He found my hand, tugging me along.

  When we got inside the school, I fell in behind Kota and Nathan as they started talking. They shoved open the doors to the courtyard.

  Rocky and Jay stood just inside. They turned toward us. They both wore orange football jerseys over their T-shirts.

  Rocky’s eyes fixated on me. “Speak of the devil.” His smile broadened as his eyes slid down over my clothes. “Love the skirt.”

  I smothered a cold shiver. They’d been talking about me? I glanced at Kota and Nathan for help.

  “How’s it going, Rocky?” Kota said. “I hear you’ve got a good chance to win at the football game tonight. Should be a good first game.” His tone was friendly, but there was a hint behind it that he was forcing the niceties. It was enough to get my skin to prickle. Rocky might have helped us out once when we were in a fight before, but I didn’t think any of the guys trusted him completely.

  Rocky turned his attention on him and shrugged. “The first couple of games are always the toughest.”

  “It should be interesting,” Jay said. His smoothly shaved head made his broad jaw and facial features that much more intimidating. What struck me about him was how cold his eyes were, as if he didn’t really care much about anything. “Will have to see if Silas and North will be able to pull their weight.”

  “I’ve seen them play before,” Kota said. “When it matters, they’ll step up.”

  “We’ll see,” Rocky said. His eyes floated back to me. I steeled myself so I didn’t end up cringing behind Kota. “You’ll be at the party tonight?” Rocky asked me.

  Was he talking about the same one Silas wanted me to go to? “I ... think so.”

  “We’ll be going,” Nathan said, side stepping until his arm was pressed against mine.

  Rocky and Jay perked up with interest at this. “Silas said she was going...” Rocky started to say.

  Nathan stood his ground, but he had his eyebrow cocked, curious but aware he might have just messed up whatever Silas had said. “I mean Sang’s going and Kota and I will probably be there, too. I think it’s all the same party, right?”

  Rocky shrugged. “Don’t know of another one.” He glanced back at me and winked. “See you there.” He stepped forward, clearly intending to walk past us, except he made a point to walk between Nathan and I. I stepped aside to give him room. Nathan hadn’t budged. I hadn’t moved fast enough to give him room and Rocky ended up bumping into me. As he did, he leaned in a little. “Can’t wait.”

  THERE’S CUTE, AND THEN THERE’S TOO CUTE

  Most of the morning was quiet. I didn’t get called up, and Mr. Blackbourne had me go over more memory exercises. This time it consisted of looking at photographs and scanning quickly for details and relaying the details back to him. It seemed pointless, but I trusted him, so I did my best.

  At lunch, we collected out in the courtyard. Since there was a game tonight, all of the football players were in orange jerseys, including Silas and North. It was odd to see North wearing anything but his usual black, and the required uniform they wore to school. I honestly couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

  “Stop staring,” North said, for the third time that day. He sat on the bench opposite of me. He smoothed his hand over the numbers on the front. “I keep thinking I’ve ripped it.”

  “That’s when you know you wear too much of the same stuff,” Gabriel said. He sat down on the grass between us. “You’re dazzling us all. I swear, you look almost human.”

  North stretched a foot out toward Gabriel’s back, knocking him over.

  Nathan sat with me on the bench, picking potato chips out of a bag and occasionally offering me some. I shared my water with him. Kota sat on my other side, eating a sandwich and punching something into his phone.

  “Ready for tonight?” Nathan asked me, chewing on a chip.

  “I suppose. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be ready for.”

  “Chaos,” Kota said, without looking up from his phone.

  Nathan laughed. “It won’t be that bad.”

  “Close enough,” Kota said.

  Nathan rolled his eyes. He pulled a chip out of the bag and held it out to me. “Last one,” he said.

  I opened my mouth, expecting the chip, but he zoomed it past my lips and brought it to his own mouth and ate it. I laughed, shaking my head. “You tease,” I said.

  Nathan smirked, held out a finger. “Consolation prize,” he said, pushing his finger to my lip.

  Out of almost instinct now, I opened my mouth, and he pushed his finger inside. I bit down, giving it a gentle bite. He grinned.

  “What the fuck ... get your god damn fingers out of her mouth,” North barked at us.

  North’s protest startled me so badly I nearly bit into Nathan’s finger. I had enough control to unhinge my mouth.

  “What?” Nathan said. “She does it all the time.”

  My eyes widened and I was blushing as six pairs of eyes floated over to me, all curious.

  “See, look,” Nathan said. He shoved two fingers toward my face.

  I was still blushing, avoiding eyes as I was sure they would be angry to discover what Nathan and I had been doing when we were alone. My mouth still opened at Nathan’s prodding. He slipped his fingers in my mouth and I bit down, chewing.

  “Sang Baby,” North said, “you don’t know where his fingers have been. You’ll get sick.”

  “I wouldn’t give her dirty fingers.” Nathan picked up my hand, pulled it toward his mouth and popped a couple of fingers inside. “Ain’t that right, Peanut?” he asked as he started chewing.

  I tried to grimace around his fingers.

  “God damn it,” Gabriel said, pointing a finger at Nathan. “You’re the one fucking up her fingers. I thought she picked up chewing her nails but I haven’t been able to catch her doing it. It’s been you.”

  Nathan groaned, sucking the saliva off my fingers before pulling them out of his mouth. “They’re not messed up,” he said, but he checked my fingers over. “They look funny now because I just bit them.”

  “How can you like that?” Kota asked me. “He’s biting you.”

  I shrugged, pulling Nathan’s fingers out of my mouth and holding his hand in my lap to get him to stop. I was embarrassed now. “It doesn’t hurt,” I said, blushing.

  “Let me see,” Kota said.

  “No,” Nathan said. “That’s our thing.”

  “I just want to see,” Kota said, although his cheeks tinged.

  My heart fluttered in my chest. I couldn’t believe this. Why were we talking about this here in the courtyard? My eyes fluttered to the windows around us, wondering if other people were watching, or worse, if Mr. McCoy was lurking nearby.

  At Kota’s prodding though, I opened my mouth. With his fingers inside my mouth, I bit down with the same pressure I used for Nathan.

  Kota yanked his fingers from my face. “Ouch,” he said, waving his fingers in the air. “How can you stand that?”

  “Doesn’t hurt me,” Nathan said, beaming. “It’s actually kind of nice.”

  “Sang,” North said. “Don’t go biting his fingers. You’ll pick up germs and you’ll get sick.”

  “Hey, why aren’t you worried about her giving me germs?” Nathan asked, taking my hand again and putting it near his face.

  “You should know better.”

  “Dude, she’s not five,” Nathan said. “She can make her own choices.”

  “She can choose. She can choose not to get some crazy disease you’ve picked up from the two thousand dirty minions floating around here. She can choose not to get McCoy calling her into the office today.”

  Nathan shrugged him off. He pecked at my fingertip before shoving one into his mouth, biting down.

  “He’s probably
right,” Victor said. He’d been the one I was avoiding looking at the most. Now when I did, he didn’t seem angry, only mildly curious. Part of me felt it was worse. Did he not care? “If McCoy sees you, you might get her detention again.”

  “Fuck McCoy,” Nathan said, but he pulled my hand back out of his mouth, and instead held it in his lap defiantly. “That guy needs to back off.”

  The bell rang for our next class. It was a relief to me. I enjoyed hanging out with the guys, but at the moment, I wasn’t sure how to handle them. I wanted to support Nathan, but I also cared about what everyone else thought. Did Nathan biting my fingers mean something?

  Everyone hopped up. I was grabbing my bag when Silas stepped up next to me. He looked good in his jersey, despite it being a bright orange and brown. Not my favorite colors.

  I was just putting my book bag on when he grabbed my hand.

  “Come on,” he said, his dark hair shifting, nearly falling into his eyes.

  I smiled after him. “In a hurry for biology?”

  He smiled back at me, urging me forward. I waved goodbye to the others and rushed with Silas to our next class.

  In biology, I fell into my usual seat and he dropped in behind me. I was putting my book bag next to my chair when Silas held out a closed hand.

  “Here,” he said, his face failing to hold back a broad smile. “I got you something.”

  I blinked in surprise and held my palm open for him. He released a pink and blue terry cloth sports band.

  “Wow, cool,” I said, grinning and I put it on my wrist. “Thank you.”

  “Look,” he said, and he held up his arm, showing a matching blue one, with a very thin pink stripe going through the middle.

  My mouth popped open in surprise. “Silas ...”

  “I wasn’t sure if I’d see you before the game, so I wanted to give it to you now,” he said. “I thought since it’s the first game, I’d start a tradition with you.”

  “A tradition?”

  “Maybe it’ll turn into a good luck charm,” he said. “All the pros have something. I’d rather it not be wearing the same underwear through all the games.”

  I laughed, shaking my head. “Yeah, don’t start that. So it’s going to be us wearing similar colored wrist bands?”