Forgiveness and Permission

by C. L. Stone

  Kota grunted, cutting me off. His hands clutched at the edge of the chair. “That’s not how it works. You’ve got it all wrong.”

  I sat back on my heels. A finger fluttered up to my lip. “What do you mean?”

  He sighed heavily. He turned, sitting cross-legged on top of the chair. He held his arms out to me. “Come here.”

  His arms encircled my waist and he pulled me into his lap. My cheek fell against his chest. His jaw nestled against the top of my head. His strong arms wrapped around me, closing in over my side and my back.

  “Sang,” he whispered, his breath catching in my hair. “Girls don’t join the Academy often because it’s dangerous. If you thought it was dangerous for us, it’s even more dangerous for someone like you.”

  “How?”

  His nose pressed to the top of my forehead. “It’s too easy to fall into the role as bait. If a beautiful girl like you joins our team, we’ll get asked to let you become a target. We’ll have to stand back and watch as people like McCoy get too close.”

  My breath lingered on escaping me completely. The compliment he said so casually was buried so deeply in what he was saying, that it seemed like an obvious remark when it was simply remarkable. “They would ask me that?”

  “You can tell them no,” he said. “You could, but you probably won’t. They’ll give you a reason. They’ll tell you that you’re stopping a bad guy from doing it to other girls.”

  “That’s a good reason,” I said. “I could do that.”

  “I know. And you’re too good and brave and reckless that you’d agree to do it without a second thought. If they came at you with an offer and I wasn’t there, you’d say you’ll do it and I wouldn’t know until it was too late. You'd talk yourself into it.”

  From what he’d told me, from what Mr. Blackbourne and the others revealed to me, there was something on the edge of my tongue that I wanted to ask but was unsure how to approach. The Academy, at first, appeared to be a private school for a select group of teenagers. Now it seemed so much more than that. Should I know this part? “Is it wrong to want to, anyway? What if I make sure you’re always around?”

  “I can’t promise that. I don’t really want you to join, anyway.”

  “I know it’s dangerous. I can say no to certain things they want me to do, though. You said so. And once I join and you can tell me everything, maybe I won’t feel so confused ...”

  He released me, pushing a finger to his eyebrow and smoothing it out. “That’s not how it works.”

  “What do you mean? Why not?”

  He sighed, his eyes lifted, meeting mine. “What’s the first rule of the Academy? Do you know it? Has anyone told you yet?”

  I recalled Mr. Blackbourne’s words. “Trust your family.”

  He nodded. “Why do you think we could tell you the first rule without you actually being in the Academy?”

  I blinked at him. “I don’t know.”

  “Sang, you can’t depend on joining the Academy to be the answer to what you want, because you can’t join the Academy until you do exactly that. You can’t join until you trust us.”

  My lips parted at this revelation. My breath escaped me. It was what I couldn’t imagine. How was it possible to trust someone when they can’t trust you with their deep secrets? I was so sure this was the answer. “Isn’t there any way ...”

  “No,” he said. He frowned softly. “They’ll test you, Sang. They’ll know if you try to fake it. We’ll know, and we can’t lie. Besides, it’s the wrong reason to join.” His hand found mine again, he squeezed it. “And I still don’t want you to.”

  “Kota ...”

  He tugged at my hand, drawing back my attention. His eyes bore down on me as commanding as his voice now. “And it isn’t because I’m thinking about girlfriends or whatever Mr. Blackbourne told you. The Academy doesn’t want a girl in all male groups because outside relationships become strained. That’s not really a problem for me.”

  His surety wrestled my breath away. “What do you mean?”

  A half smile played on the corner of his mouth. He drew himself up, nudging me until my back was against the bean bag chair. He hovered over me, his face close, his nose a breath away from mine. “Because the only girl I’m interested in knows too much for her own good and wants in.”

  Before I could respond, his nose dropped down on top of mine. He nudged it in that gentle way. I sensed his lips hovering over mine. My heart pounded, sure he’d kiss me. I waited.

  Only he didn’t. He did something unexpected and better.

  His nose traced over the side of my nose, across my cheek. Hovering right there. So close. Where his nose trailed, my heart followed, swallowing me up in a wave of feelings I never knew before.

  His nose tucked around the crest of my ear. “Sang,” he whispered. His hand sought out mine, holding the palm.

  “Kota,” I breathed out. I squeezed his hand back.

  “Please don’t try,” he begged. His nose slipped behind my ear, trailing down to the soft flesh at my neck. “Don’t look to join the Academy.”

  “Why?”

  His breath fell against my neck as he hovered. “I can’t lose you again, Sang.” He tugged my hand, drawing it around his neck. My other arm slipped up, until I was hugging him. His nose traced along my jawline. “You’re too close now. I don’t want you nearby when there’s a fight at school, or making deals with Hendricks, or anything else we have to do.”

  “You’re afraid?”

  He sucked in a breath, drawing himself back. “You’re not?”

  I shook my head slowly. “No.”

  He frowned, dropping his head against the corner at my neck and shoulder. His nose trailed against my skin. “Then I have to be. Someone has to. So yes, I am scared. With you, I’m on the edge of my seat all the time. I don’t want you hurt. I don’t want you to die, like you almost did today.”

  My head tilted back, my skin tingling against the touch of his nose along my neck. The words passed from my lips before I realized my full meaning. “But I didn’t die. Because of you. You were there.”

  “What happens next time? What happens when I’m not?”

  “We can’t worry about things that might happen.”

  He drew up and shifted until he was on his side next to me. He collected my hand, pulling it toward his face. “If you are in the Academy, there’s always something dangerous that needs to be done. If you stay out ...”

  “Things could happen all the time,” I said. “They happen now and I’m not in it at all.”

  His lips tightened. “I know. I’m trying.”

  “You can’t lock me in a closet, Kota.”

  His eyes flashed at me. “How can you say that?”

  I sighed. “My mother told me for years I shouldn’t go outside or leave my room because she was afraid of all those bad things out there. She believed the only place that you can be safe was to lock yourself away from everything and everyone. Maybe she had different reasons for doing so than she told me, but I spent a lifetime resisting the idea." I pulled my hand from his, pushing my fingers across his cheek, realizing then that I’d never done that before. I’d never touched them the way they did me. The sensation was unreal. “But there you were the first time you met me, walking with me in the rain, and proving her wrong. I don’t have to be afraid. You’re right. North is right. I need to trust you more. I’ll work on it. I’m fighting against years of habit of fending for myself and everything she told me that could happen to me. I’m sorry about that. But if you’re afraid for me, if you’re trying to keep me safe, how long will it be before you’re so scared that I’m tied up in your closet?”

  “I wouldn’t do that to you,” he seethed. He pushed his palm against mine at his cheek. “Sang, I’ll never.”

  “I know,” I said. “You won’t hurt me, but how far are you going to go to keep me safe? When is it ever enough? Are you going to destroy every sawdust pile we come across? Are you going to prevent me from
talking to any principal or teacher ever again?”

  “It doesn’t have to be like that,” he said. He shifted my hand until the tip of my forefinger touched his lower lip. “I don’t mean to hide you. I just want to stop ...”

  “Everything?” I asked.

  He slid my finger tip across his lip. “I won’t keep you from everything. I’ll look out for you, but I can’t be everywhere. There’s a difference between trouble finding you and you diving head in after it. If it takes me admitting to being afraid to let you into the Academy, and if I have to vote you out if you tried, I will. If that’s what it takes, Sang, I’ll keep you safe and I’ll be scared for both of us, so you won’t have to feel that way ever again.”

  “Kota,” I breathed out, unsure of how to respond. He seemed so convinced, so sure that this was the right move. I still wasn’t sure, but not trusting his answer also meant I didn’t trust him, and not trusting meant no Academy anyway.

  One day, I thought, I’d change his mind.

  It wouldn’t happen tonight. I had to show him he didn’t have to be afraid for me.

  Until then, I had to figure out how to get myself to trust them.

  WHAT A GIRL CAN DO

  I sensed Kota leaving the bed sometime in the middle of the night. I was so out of it I fell asleep before I had a chance to ask where he was going. It didn’t matter. I knew the name of the source that called to him, but I probably would never know the details. Academy business.

  Before the sun came up, I was awake. My eyes hurt. My throat felt scratchy. The ghost of thousands of tiny dust particles felt stuck to crevices I never realized I had.

  My heart remained heavy, throbbing, shaking and unrelenting. Every thud it pounded against my rib cage was a reminder of what I’d done to North. How could I have let him go all night without apologizing? Last night, it seemed like the only solution. I didn’t want to say another stupid thing.

  As I gazed through half open eyes toward the wall, I thought of the things I would tell him when I saw him next. I had to apologize to him for hurting him. Again. Why was I always hurting him?

  The air shifted. Part of me thought it was Kota returning so I didn’t move.

  The scent of spring soap drifting my way shocked me awake enough that I dragged myself up to kneel on the bed, spinning around.

  In the low light of the early morning haze, Mr. Blackbourne stood a few feet from my bed. The gray coat and red tie suited to his frame. His eyes sparked with interest. “Miss Sorenson.”

  I swallowed to find my voice. “Mr. Blackbourne.”

  “Did you hear me coming? I thought I was pretty quiet.”

  He had been quiet, but they were all pretty noiseless when they wanted to be. I shook my head. “The air shift,” I said.

  His eyebrow rose. “What do you mean?”

  “When you open the door, the air shifts. I felt it.”

  The millimeter smile broke his otherwise solemn face. “Remarkable.”

  “I’m just glad you’re not Gabriel with another water gun.”

  He pursed his lips and touched the bridge of his glasses. “I thought you and I might take a drive this morning.”

  I blinked, tilting my head at him. “A drive?”

  “We need to talk.”

  My heart thundered. It wasn’t something he could discuss here?

  “Meet me outside, will you?” He turned away from me, heading back toward the door. I listened this time for his footsteps but heard nothing. He was as silent as Luke.

  I popped out of bed, scrambling to follow. Mr. Blackbourne was in my room. What could he possibly want with me? Did he know about yesterday? Was he going to reprimand me for how I had behaved in front of the others? Or tell me off for keeping such a stupid secret about the signal?

  I found a pleated full skirt and a soft pink blouse to wear. I did my hair in a twist, leaving the two locks hanging at my cheeks. I strapped on a pair of sandals. I glanced around for a phone before realizing I didn’t have one.

  Outside, Mr. Blackbourne stood by a gray BMW. It was then I realized Victor and he had similar cars. Mr. Blackbourne’s was a shade darker, a deeper gray than Victor’s, which was more a dark silver.

  Mr. Blackbourne nodded in my direction, moving around his car to open the front side passenger door. “No need to jump across the hood this time,” he said.

  My lips parted, eyes wide. Was that a joke? Did he just make a joke with me?

  The gleam in his eyes and the millimeter smile told me it was. I smiled in return, too stunned to find something to say.

  I slipped into his car, smelling his soap in the air and the new car leather. I put my seatbelt on before he had a chance to get in on his side and sit down.

  He started the car, pulling out of the drive. From that point, my heart was in my throat. I’d never been in a car with Mr. Blackbourne before. I didn’t know where I was going. Kota didn’t know I was leaving, did he?

  But I had gotten into the car, didn’t I? I hadn’t asked where we were going. While I wondered where, I didn’t feel I needed to know. Mr. Blackbourne wouldn’t hurt me. So I was trusting them, right?

  He didn’t speak while he was driving, keeping his eyes on the road. Nervous about the proximity we shared, but with my tongue feeling glued to the top of my mouth, I gazed out the window.

  The roads were clear for dawn on a Sunday morning. He took the highway a good distance before turning onto a road with a sign that advertised a park. He wound his way through a road that soon turned from concrete to gravel, and from gravel to dust.

  He stopped short of a playground nestled at the top of a hill. At the bottom of the hill was a wide lake. There was an area cut off and noted for swimming, along with a high platform for diving.

  He turned off the engine. “Walk with me, won’t you?” he said, while at the same time releasing his seatbelt.

  Before I managed to undo my own seatbelt, he was at my door. He opened it for me, putting a hand out in front of my face. My breath caught, unsure for only a split second. I reached for his hand, dropping my palm in his.

  He wrapped his perfect, smooth fingers around my hand, tugging gently to help me out. I stepped back and he closed the door. He released my hand and started walking toward the lake, pausing only briefly to look back at me. I was expected to follow.

  I started walking behind him but he paused again, looking back at me. “Do you walk behind the boys when you’re at school?” he asked quietly, curious.

  “Sometimes I suppose.”

  He frowned softly. “Remind me to talk to them.”

  “It’s not their fault,” I said, surprised. I stepped quickly to walk beside him instead. “I guess when the hallways are crowded, or when I’m nervous ...”

  “You’re not to walk behind them,” Mr. Blackbourne said in that quiet command. “Ever. You’re not inferior to them. You don’t mean less than them.”

  “I think it was more I felt more comfortable like that.”

  The corner of his mouth dipped. “I know you’re shy and a little low in self-confidence, but that’s no excuse for the guys to forget their place, and it is certainly not in front of you.”

  I swallowed, my heart in my throat. I felt like I just got the guys in trouble and I had no idea why or the meaning of it.

  We approached the lake, finding a dock. The water sloshed along the gentle slope at the bank. Mr. Blackbourne tucked his hand into my elbow to assist me up the steps as if worried I’d fall. He let go again when we were on top. I followed him to the very end, where our view of the lake was unchallenged.

  The morning light sparked up the top of the lightly ruffled water, dazzling my eyes and distracting me from his face.

  We stood quietly together. The wind swept gently around me. It was a salty breeze, reminding me of Silas’s ocean scent. My lungs filled up, reveling in the contrast to yesterday when I couldn’t breathe beneath the sawdust pile, and again when I had been swallowed up in sorrow about being so angry with North.


  “I used to come here with my mother when I was little,” he said, his voice a couple of notches softer than his usual commanding tone. “I learned to swim in this lake.”

  “It’s a nice lake.”

  He pursed his lips and nodded. “It was a safe place for me. It was one of the few places my father refused to come with us.” I broke my gaze away from the lake to seek him out, but he was fixated by the sparkling water as he continued and didn’t meet my eyes. “So I asked her every day if we could go swimming. I had ideas that if I could keep her here long enough, she’d see how much better life could be without him. She didn’t have to live with his pain or his lies.” He paused, his eyes narrowing to some point out into the sky. “I never said out loud that was what I wanted for her. I thought doing nice things around her, like remembering her birthday and wishing her good night would one day make her see. And when my father’s anger finally killed her, I’ve since regretted never telling her exactly what I wished.”

  Words caught in my throat. The sudden revelation about his family shattered every imaginary thought I’d had about the perfect life he must have.

  “We’re all broken, Miss Sorenson,” he said. His head tilted toward me, his gray eyes, gleaming, fixed on mine. “Every single one of us in our group, our family. Maybe they haven’t told you why yet, or how, but that’s who we are. Our group is different, because we’re all from broken families.”

  Kota had hinted at this before, I didn’t imagine the extent and that it included Mr. Blackbourne. “All of them?”

  “All of us,” he said. “It is what our family is built on. So when I realized you were with Kota and the others, I knew why. They saw this broken little girl, just as lonely and just as desperate as they had been, and when you seemed willing to play along, they knew exactly what to do. Well, they knew what they wanted to do for you. What they didn’t realize is how different they would become when you joined us.”