“The football star I’ve heard all about,” she said as she shook my hand in a nonchalant way.
Taylor reprimanded her, but I said it was okay and took my seat at the table.
“Yes, I am a football player and only a star when we win games. If I drop the ball and don’t score, our fans are not happy.”
“Sounds like a lot of pressure.”
“It can be, but most of the time it’s exciting.”
“And what about my mom? Where does she fit in your life? Or does she only matter during the off-season?”
“Becca! What has gotten into you? Apologize now. You are being very rude,” Taylor interjected.
“No, mom. I’m being honest, and since it’s taken this long for me to meet him, I’d like an answer.”
Shit! I didn’t think I would be facing the firing squad meeting this kid, but I’m not that shakable. Better get it all out now.
I gave Taylor a reassuring look and then faced her daughter. “I’m in love with your mother. It’s true that I work and travel a lot, but so does your mother. We both agreed to take time to get to know the other better before I was to meet you. Your mother loves you and is overly protective when it comes to you, not wanting to bring just anyone around her daughter. I respect that very much. After talking about it first, we agreed it was time, since I’m not going anywhere.”
“We’ll see. Thanks for being honest with me. My mother seems to think that because I’m younger, certain subjects are off-limits. I disagree.”
“Becca, you say that as if I treat you like you don’t have a mind of your own. You are incredibly smart and so mature for your age, but Patton is right. I wanted to be sure about us before I introduced you to him. Why is that so wrong?”
Before this night completely went to shit, I stopped them both and ordered for the table. Taylor gave me a silent thank you, and I changed the subject, making the night about getting to know Becca and nothing more.
I gave all my attention to Becca since this night was really about me getting her approval. Taylor never said the words, but I knew just by the way she lit up every time she talked about her daughter that Becca’s opinion mattered. I didn’t blame Taylor for exercising caution.
“So I’m guessing you did a Google search on me, right?” I questioned Becca.
“Maybe. The internet is loaded with all I wanted to know about you.”
Taylor looked horrified by her daughter’s behavior, but I raised my hand to show Taylor that I’ve got this.
I said, “I agree that the internet provides a lot of information pretty much about anything or anyone, but let’s try something different.”
“Okay, I’m game. Fire away.”
“Why don’t you ask me something that’s not on the internet or can be found on the front cover of any gossip rag found in the local food store?”
She sat back, hesitated for a brief moment, crossed her arms over her chest, and then said, “Look, you seem like a nice guy, and you make my mom happy, but you don’t have to go through a big inquisition for me. What you have with my mom is your business, and I don’t need to be a part of it.”
“Becca…” Taylor began to say with tears in her eyes.
I reached for Taylor’s hand and placed a kiss on her soft skin. I felt her tremble and watched as her face blushed. I loved how she reacted to me just with a kiss.
“Babe, it’s fine. I told you I’ve got this.” I kissed her again and then turned back to Becca, who lost a little of her edge when she saw Taylor begin to cry.
“This is not the night I envisioned, but here we are, knee-deep in emotions. Let me begin by saying that you have every right to your feelings and certainly reserve the right to have one or many opinions about me, but I will kindly ask you to not use those opinions of me to hurt your mother. She loves you, and no matter who is in her life, she will always put you first.”
“And how do you know that?” Becca asked, trying in vain to be tough and not break down in front of me.
“Because she is the only one that has and will never stop, for as long as she lives, being your mother.”
I heard an audible gasp from Taylor, and I wasn’t sure if I revealed too much of what was confided in me regarding Becca’s biological father. Did I betray her confidence?
And then Becca reached for a napkin to dry her eyes before turning back to me. “You’re honest,” she said.
“How do you know?” I countered.
“When I looked you up, I read football stats and saw a lot of photos with supermodels on your arm at events, but there’s not a lot out there about you, Patton James, the man. You got through a night with a moody teenager, and you’re still sitting upright. The way I see it, you held your own, and that makes you alright in my book. And you didn’t bullshit me and say something that you thought would appease me to make my mother happy. No, football star, you went right for the jugular, and your move was the right one. I respect honesty, and it’s clear you love my mom, not just in words but in actions too. Thank you for that.”
I could have said so many things to her right then, but I kept it simple and just said, “You’re welcome.”
She got up, hugged her mom, and whispered something in her ear that I was not privy to. The dark clouds of the evening had parted, and by the end of dinner, the ice had melted a bit, with Becca agreeing to come to the next home game.
Present
“You going to stay out all day, or we going to eat?”
“What?” I said as Will, along with a few of my teammates, stood behind me.
“Hey guys, go ahead without us. We’ll meet you there,” Will called out. “What’s going on, Pat?”
“Did I make the wrong choice?”
“I think I’m going to need more information before I answer that. What are you talking about?”
“With Taylor…did I make the wrong choice? After my near career-ending accident, I couldn’t think about anything beyond football and how the loss of it would affect my life. She never left my side from the hospital to all those months during my rehabilitation. I forced her out of my life because it was becoming too domestic, and I didn’t believe I could have both.”
“You know that’s not true. You are not some wet behind the ears rookie who just walked out onto the field for the first time to play the game. You are a seasoned player who has led an incredible career but somewhere along the way, you messed up big time in your personal life. Who put the idea into your head that you couldn’t have both? I mean, it’s ridiculous and unfounded. From where I’m standing, it’s a lonely life. If you weren’t so stubborn back then, you’d be married to Taylor by now. Isn’t that where you were headed before it all turned to shit when you got hurt?”
“I don’t know, maybe. I guess it doesn’t matter now. It’s over. It’s been over for a while now. She’s moved on in her life, and judging by her relocation to Paris, I’m long forgotten. Let’s forget this stupid conversation, it’s giving me a headache.”
“No, come on, finish what you were going to say.”
“You’re right, I messed up! Is that what you want to hear?” I threw my helmet and balled my fists at my sides.
“No, Patton, it doesn’t give me pleasure seeing my best friend in pain but I do need you to be honest. I can’t keep up with you and your ever-changing moods. What is it? Do you want another chance with Taylor or not? Make a decision already.”
“As if I stood a chance anyway. My actions on that day will forever be my biggest regret and I don’t know how to make it right. Is it even possible after all this time? The look on Taylor’s heartbroken face when I forced her out of my apartment and out of my life was worse than getting pounded into the turf while I felt my bones crunch beneath me. I think I loved her from the minute I saw her and there was always this undeniable pull between us that kept me connected to her. The day I declared us over was when I broke that connection—I broke her.”
“I wanted her and I made her fall in love with me, it’s that
simple. When I got hurt, I felt weak and less than the man I was when we first met. She didn’t do anything wrong but love and take care of me, but that love turned to suffocation and I couldn’t breathe. I was feeling the pressure to do right by Taylor, and then having something to prove to the coaches, management, and even you, if you want the truth.”
“I wouldn’t have judged you.”
“I judged me! Don’t you get it? I was an arrogant bastard who only thought of himself and what he wanted, not what Taylor wanted. I wasn’t ready to walk away from the game and I knew back then I couldn’t have Taylor and football, so I made the only choice I could live with at the time. I pushed her away and I have lived with that selfish choice every single day since the day she left me. I feel as if my mind has been at war with memories of what I had with Taylor, and at the end of the day, that’s all they will ever be. I was fooling myself into believing that she would just show up to the game and give me another chance. Why would she after the way I treated her? Maybe her agreeing and not showing up was her way of getting back at me?”
“No, not that girl. Taylor loves you too much to ever hurt you in that way.”
“Well, I guess we will never know because she didn’t show up and left me just as alone as I probably made her feel. Look, we can talk this out until the sun goes down and it’s still not going to change the fact that I lost Taylor and it’s completely my fault. Ugh! I’m tired and we need to get out of here before they shut the lights down. Give me twenty minutes and I’ll be ready.”
I began to walk off the field and past Will when he called me back and said, “So the letter you received means nothing to you?” he questioned, making me stop to turn around to face him.
“It does, but you can’t turn back time, and I can’t bet my future on the romantic whims Becca believes in.”
“Taylor’s not seeing anyone, if that’s what you think. I wasn’t going to bring it up but since you’re all about sharing today, I figured I would mention it.”
“And how would you know that?”
“Women talk, and the last time I checked, she’s still friends with my wife. If you ever want another chance with Taylor, then you need to go see her before you truly lose her forever. This is not just about you, Patton, and you know it. In any relationship, sometimes one person has to put in more of the work to keep it going, and for a long time it was Taylor. I mean, what did you expect her to do after you told her to leave? Wait by the phone while watching the clock in hopes that you would call and tell her how much of an asshole you were?”
“Gee, thanks for that,” I said as I kicked the turf under my cleats.
“You’re welcome. Her daughter is not the only one that tells it how it is. Someone has to say it to you. You are your worst enemy when it comes to love. Get the hell out of your head, and man up. Becca would not have sent you that letter if all hope was lost. Just think about it, but make a decision soon.”
Chapter 4
Can we get us back?
Present
Here I am, getting ready to play in the biggest game a football player dreams of achieving, and it’s the last thing on my mind. It should be all I’m thinking about, and so far, I’ve kept up my façade for appearance's sake. I owe the game so much for what it has brought to my life, but it’s also been at a great cost. Now that I’m at a crossroads, I’m not sure if I should continue to put it first.
After Will’s revelation, I decided to make a bold move and go to the source first before I decided anything about Taylor. After all, Becca was the one that reached out to me, so I took a chance and went to see her up at school. I took an early morning flight to New York under the guise that I would continue on to Miami. After our “last” break-up, Taylor packed up her place and followed Becca to New York. She was awarded a full scholarship to Columbia, and Taylor accepted a full-time assistant editor’s position for Vogue.
I waited outside the student union in hopes to run into Becca. I figured a chance meeting would be best. It wouldn’t give her time to cancel on me if she was having second thoughts. Just when I was starting to think this was a stupid idea, out walked Becca with a group of friends heading toward the local coffee station.
I stepped out and called her name. When she stopped and turned around to see me, she told her friends to go ahead without her. I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I would receive until Becca smiled and walked right into my arms.
“It took you long enough. I didn’t think you would ever show,” she said, giving me a small punch to my arm.
“I didn’t either, but here I am. I want to say thank you for your letter. It meant a lot to me.”
“You already thanked me, or do you forget me yelling at you when you called?”
“How could I forget? And I was trying to be polite and appreciative that you still care.”
“You are always polite, and what can I say? I kind of love and miss you.”
“Can we sit and talk?” I asked.
“I only have about fifteen minutes before my next class.”
“Fair enough. I should have called you way before you ever sent that letter to me. It was wrong of me to not only shut your mother out but you as well. I don’t deserve your kindness, and I just felt it was right to show up here and apologize in person. I’m really sorry that I hurt you. I hope you will forgive me.”
“It’s okay. You’re here now, and there is nothing to forgive.” She placed her bag down and came right out and asked, “You wondering about my mom?”
“Yes. How is she?”
“Well, after six months of crying, she’s doing a lot better.”
“Becca, come on,” I sighed.
“Did you think I was going to make this easy for you?”
“No, but I thought since you reached out to me, you would at least give me a chance to talk to you about your mom and explain how I feel.”
“Patton, I already know, because if you didn’t still love my mom, then we wouldn’t be sitting here right now. Damn you, football star! Mom is not the only one who loves you. Why did you do it? Why couldn’t you have just let her help you instead of pushing her away? I know it sucked when you got hurt and almost stopped playing, but clearly they underestimated you, because you are about to play in the Super Bowl.”
“You’re right about pushing away your mom. I made a mistake, and I allowed myself to drown in my own pain and despair. I thought I was losing a part of me when I got hurt, and then doctors told me that I might never play again in the game I loved. It weighed heavily on my mind, and I just couldn’t handle losing what I worked so hard to achieve. Can you understand that?”
“Sure, I can, and mom would have too if you would have given her the chance.” She sighed and retracted the claws to say, “Patton, when she left your apartment that day in Seattle, she was done. She called and told me what happened between you two, and then within two weeks she left her life in Seattle and moved back to New York. You have no idea how much strength it took for mom to leave Seattle and you. She loved her life in Seattle and believed she was building something real with you. You hurt her, so she ran and is still running. She could have said no to Paris, but she chose it because she can’t stay here knowing you two are apart. It’s just too painful, and it’s been a long three years fighting to hold onto her place in your life and heart.”
Like a razor-edged sword, her words and truth sliced right through my heart and left it in pieces. I sighed and asked, “What do I do, Becca?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want your mom. I want to beg her to stay and have her choose me one more time.”
“Well, Patton, that’s a tall order, and it’s going to take a lot more than an apology to get her to forgive you.”
“When does she leave for Paris? Is it still at the end of February?”
“As far as I know, yeah.”
“I know I’m asking a lot here, and I wouldn’t blame you if you said no, but…” I hesitated.
“Don’t l
eave me in suspense. What did you have in mind?”
Becca ended up missing her class, but she said it was worth it if I pull this off. My teammates covered for me with my coach and management. It was now or never. I only had a small window here to see Taylor and hoped she would at least have dinner with me to talk.
With me sitting next to her, Becca phoned Taylor and invited her to dinner. At first, she hesitated, because she was busy working on an article and packing, but then Becca told her all could wait because she needed to see her. Taylor would never say no to her daughter and promised to be there later that evening.
I remained out of sight and waited for Taylor to arrive. When she did, she took my breath away. She always did. The hostess seated her at a table in the back of the restaurant for more privacy. I saw the look on her face, but she shrugged and followed the hostess. Once she sat down, she looked around before opening up the menu. It was time for me to walk over there.
Once I approached, she looked up from behind her menu and nearly knocked over her water when she dropped the menu on the table.
“What are you doing here?” she asked and then realized she had been set-up. “You got to me through Becca? You are unbelievable, Patton! Using my daughter to get me here, even for you, that’s a low blow.” She got up in a huff, causing a few of the patrons to look our way. This was the last thing I needed, a public fight before the Super Bowl.
I stepped closer and said, “Taylor, lower your voice and please sit down.”
Her eyes found mine and immediately took her seat.
I said, “Thank you. I’m sure you know by now that image is everything, and we are never truly alone.”
“If that’s true, then why choose a busy restaurant in the city?”
“I don’t have a lot of time, and I knew I couldn’t leave without seeing you. Please know I would never use your daughter for anything, but she did help facilitate this evening. I miss her, and she was happy to do it after she gave me hell.”
“She gave you a hard time? I raised her right. Good for her.”
All In With Me: A With Me In Seattle Universe Novella Page 5
