“I miss you too, so much.”
“Please don’t say words you can’t back up with actions.”
“It’s true, I do miss you, and you are never too far from my heart.”
“Yeah, wasn’t that always the way it was between us? Not too far from your heart, just not in it. That one and only space was reserved for football, right?” she argued.
“For a long time, it was, but then I met you, and I changed. I’m sorry I hurt you after my accident. I was a fool and too caught up in what I feared I was losing to open my eyes and realize the best thing that ever happened to me was already gone. And that it was my fault, not the linebacker who tackled me that day. Please, have dinner with me tonight, and let’s just talk.”
With tears in her eyes, she said, “I can’t, Patton. I refuse to go down this road again with you.”
She grabbed her purse and rushed toward the door with me following her. She was trying to hail a taxi when I reached for her hand and called for my car.
“No, Taylor, I didn’t travel all this way for you to run from me. I know I hurt you and you have every right to hate me, but please, I’m begging you to just hear me out before you walk away for good. I love you, Taylor. I never stopped.”
She turned and hauled off smacking me right in my face. “Damn you, Patton! You don’t get to say those words to me, not after you pushed me away. I loved you and would have done anything for you, but you wanted to do it all on your own. So why are you here now after all this time?”
“Because I can’t do it alone! I thought I could, but I now know that I can’t. I need you,” I shouted back before finally putting Taylor in my car to block out the rest of the world.
She struggled in my grasp as she tried to pull away, but I was too strong, and she knew it too. Once she finally calmed down, I released her flailing arms. She tried to slap me again, but this time I caught her hand in mine.
“Are you done yet? Because that will be the last time you hit me,” I said through gritted teeth. “Please, just talk to me,” I implored until she finally dropped her hand and let out a frustrated breath. “Taylor, I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have. Let’s just take a drive or go somewhere to talk. I don’t care where it is, just let me get out what I want to say to you.”
“Fine, do you know where I live?”
“Yes, Becca gave me the address.”
“Of course, she did. Once she warmed up to you, you had her wrapped around your finger, two peas in a pod.”
“Is that a bad thing? You always wanted us to become friends.”
“You know I did, and I’m happy she still has you in her life. It’s just sad that I don’t.”
Chapter 5
I need you
Past
“Come on, Patton. You’ve had enough for one day,” said Toby, the team's athletic trainer overseeing my rehabilitation.
“No, one more set, and I don’t want to hear another word about it,” I shouted back as he helped me return the weights down to the bar. My muscles burned like red-hot fire, but I knew I had to endure it if I wanted to return to where I was before I got hurt.
“You are done for the day, and that is my final word. What do you want to do, Patton? Completely break down your muscles so you won’t be able to run, let alone walk? I’m trying to help you, and if you would just take a breath, I will get you to where you need and want to be.”
“Fuck you, Toby! And hear me, because I will not say it again. If you want to continue working for me, then you show up tomorrow with the positive attitude that I will be returning to that field stronger than ever. Do we understand each other? Come back tomorrow and be ready to work, or don’t come back at all.”
“No, fuck you, Patton,” he shouted as loud as I did.
“What did you say?”
“You heard me. Do I stutter? Who the hell do you think you are talking to? Do you think you are the only one that is working here? No, afraid not, my friend. I am here with you because I care about you, and whether you believe it or not, I do have your best interest at heart. You need to slow down before you do some serious damage that cannot be fixed.”
“I know what I’m doing, and I know my body better than you do. Do you care? It’s what you said, right?”
“Yes, you know I do,” he answered defiantly, not backing down.
“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I threw down the towel and stormed out of the training gym, almost crashing into Taylor, who heard my argument with Toby. I ignored her all the way down until I reached my car.
Against my wishes, she got in, and we drove back in silence to my apartment. Once inside, she begged me to talk to her, but I wasn’t in the mood to hear any more unsolicited advice.
“Patton, who are you mad at? Toby or me?”
“Dammit, Taylor. You just don’t understand, do you?”
“I’m trying to, if you would just talk to me. Please let me help you.”
“You can’t help me. No one can! The only person I rely on is me. You, Toby, and the rest of the world believe I played my final game, but you are all wrong. I am strong, better than ever, and when the new season starts, you better believe I will be running out of that tunnel alongside Will, and we will lead our team throughout every game until we clinch the division and take it all the way to next February’s Super Bowl. You’re a writer, right? Well, let it be known that you can quote me on that. Patton James will take his team to the Super Bowl.”
“Why are you being so cruel? You’ve never treated me like this.”
“I just need some fucking space,” I shouted back, running my hands through my hair in frustration.
She rushed over to me and grabbed my face to make me look at her. I hated to see the hurt I placed there, but I couldn’t stop spewing the words I knew would push her away. She kept coming at me, just like Toby and everyone else in my life who seems to believe they know me and can say whatever the hell they want.
“What has changed for you to act out in this deplorable manner? We had a great summer, and now since you’ve returned from camp, you have turned into a person I don’t recognize.”
“Like it or not, this is the real me, baby. I can’t explain it again, and I’m too tired to try. I have to be ready to play and show them that Patton James still has enough heart to play this game.”
“No one has more heart than you. Don’t you know that by now? I love you, Patton. I believe in you, and so does Will, Becca, and everyone who cares about you. You just have to believe it too.”
The tears were falling down her beautiful face, and instead of pulling her close to me and never letting her go, I did the opposite by removing her hands from my face and walking away from her.
I entered my bedroom to catch my breath, and then something in me just snapped. My bedroom became our bedroom, and it was too much for me to bear, seeing her personal things strewn all over the room. Without another thought, I walked into the closet and began to rip her clothes off the hangers and shove them into a suitcase. I didn’t stop until there were no more reminders of her belongings and the side I cleared for her was empty. I just wanted it gone. I wanted her gone.
She stood there and cried and begged me to stop, but all my pent-up emotions got the better of me. I needed to be alone, and just the scent of her perfume was making my head spin. I knew I was being awful, but these last months have been hell trying to be someone I’m not. I can’t love her the way she needs me to when I hate myself for getting hurt and feeling so weak.
“You need to leave.” I turned to face her, dropping the bag at her feet.
“Stop this right now. Think about what you are doing. I love you, Patton. It was what you dared me to do. You said ‘All in,’ remember? So now that I’ve given you everything you said you wanted, you are just going to throw me out when life treats you hard? Let me remind you that it doesn’t work like that, and I am not built in a way that you can just love me today, hate me tomorrow, and continue to pu
t me through this vicious cycle of emotions. It’s not fair, Patton.”
“You’re right, it’s not. Life is not fair, and it wasn’t fair on the day Ramm Thomas hit me with his two hundred and seventy pounds of muscle as I felt my bones snap by the weight of him pounding me into the turf. It wasn’t fair that I have spent the last year working my way to a comeback and having my name and record be dragged through the press that it’s time for me to retire. No way am I giving them the satisfaction. I’ll be done when I say I’m done and not one damn day before. I tried making everything in my life work, but clearly, I suck at relationships. Maybe this is why I never had one until the day I met you.”
I slammed my way out of the bedroom and headed straight for my bar to pour myself a drink. Her cries and pleas could be heard throughout the entire apartment, but I drowned them out as I continued to drink.
About an hour later, she emerged from the bedroom with bags at her side and the puffiest red eyes I had ever seen. She said nothing until she walked up to the elevator, dropped her bags down, and then turned back to me.
“Believe it or not, you are not alone, Patton. I tried to be here for you, but you have fought me at every turn. I love you and probably always will. I guess I should have listened back then when I first overheard the bitchy women talking about me when they didn’t know I was listening. They said you weren’t capable of loving anything but the game, and I thought they were just jealous. How foolish of me for believing otherwise, but then again, wasn’t it you who asked me to believe and trust that when you said you loved me, you meant it? I guess the joke is on me. Goodbye, Patton.”
I should have stopped her from leaving and begged for her forgiveness, but I made the wrong choice. And that choice has haunted me all these months without her.
Present
It was a short drive back to Taylor’s apartment from the restaurant. I’d never been here, but Becca told me all about it. When Taylor left Seattle, she didn’t take much with her. Becca said she sold most of her furniture and only took her personal things. New York would be a rental, since she didn’t plan on staying here. Now it was up to me to change her mind, and I would begin with an apology.
She led me inside the empty two-bedroom apartment, and by the sight of it, my heart sank. This was the end result of breaking her heart, a room full of boxes, and goodbye to the life I almost had with her. This was my fault, and there was no one to blame but me. I drove Taylor away. No, I can’t let her leave without trying to make her see how wrong I was for hurting her.
She hung her coat up and then took mine to do the same.
“Do you want a drink? Had I known you’d be here, I would have stocked up on your favorite bourbon. You know, the kind you drink when you shove the people who love you out of your life,” she said coldly, bringing me right back to that day.
“I deserve that,” I said.
“You don’t know the half of it,” she said in return and left me standing there while she went inside her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
Shit! Come on, James. You can do this. She’s hurt and confused, and you need to start talking and telling her the right things that she needs to hear. The words you should have told her before you fucked everything up.
She came out with her hair piled on the top of her head. She had grown it past her shoulders over the past year with layers to frame her face. She was stunning, but I couldn’t tell her right now, not like she would believe me. She’s angry and hurt and rightfully so, but I’m going to do everything in my power to change that. She sat down with a glass of wine in hand, and then told me she was tired and emotionally drained from my sudden appearance tonight.
“Taylor, I’m sorry for hurting you. The man I was back on that day in my apartment is a person my mother would be ashamed to call a son. On that day, I was more like my father, and he was never a person I ever wanted to be. I hurt you because I was so deep in my denial, and I couldn’t see anything else beyond that. I wanted to believe that I would return to the game I loved, and it would love and welcome me back. I wasn’t ready to end it when I knew I had more yards to run and touchdowns to make. However, all those dreams went up in smoke when I lost you. I was cruel, and I know I hurt you deeply. You didn’t deserve it. I will do everything in my power to have you forgive me. Tell me what I have to do to make things right again.”
I was on my knees, begging and pleading my heart out to the woman I loved, and then I held her hands in mine and placed a kiss to them. She was silent as she cried along with me, and then I asked again.
“Please talk to me, Taylor. Come on, we never had to fake it. Tell me what you are feeling right now.”
“It’s too late, Patton. I’m moving to Paris.”
“It’s never too late to make things right, especially between two people who still love each other. You love me, Taylor. I know that you do.”
“Yes, I love you, but it’s not enough. You don’t need me. You never did, and making me believe otherwise was just an illusion I dreamt up in my head. How many times did you play when you knew your ribs were hurting or your muscles ached to the point you had trouble getting out of bed? But it was the natural determination within yourself that got you up and back onto the field. The heart of the game kept you playing and doing exactly what you love, and at the end of the day that proved to be all you ever needed. I am so sorry I couldn’t be the more that maybe for a little while you believed you wanted in your life. You are going to be okay, Patton, because you just can’t be anything else. It’s like you’re bulletproof and everything just bounces right off you. Super Bowl Sunday will be no different. You are going to go out in a blaze of glory, and I know in my heart that you will walk off that field with the trophy in hand. It’s your destiny, Patton, and if it is your last game, then I know no one will be able to dictate the terms on how you play it.”
“So you have me all figured out?”
“It’s easy. I’ve had a lot of practice loving and missing you.”
“What can I say to change your mind?”
“Nothing. We said everything that needed to be said. Well, maybe not everything.”
“What is it? Tell me.” I kissed her hand again.
“I forgive you, Patton. I forgive you for that day and every day that followed which led to us being here now.”
She reached for my face to kiss me, a move I knew all too well, but I wasn’t having it and pulled her down to me, taking her mouth in a bruising kiss. She didn’t pull away and continued to allow me to touch her. Without another thought, I picked her up into my arms and carried her to her bedroom. The walls were blank, and I saw more boxes that contained her life, a life I would do everything in my power to hold onto.
“Taylor, please let me have you,” I whispered into the crook of her neck.
She didn’t answer with words, since her body was telling me everything I needed to know. I practically tore off her clothes and removed mine in record time before plunging deep inside of her small body. I tried to be gentle, but it had been so long since we’d been together. I couldn’t wait another second.
Her legs were tightly wrapped around my waist as I continued to thrust inside of her, making her scream out my name. I loved to hear it, especially from her mouth. My hand found her hair as I gently pulled and took her harder, crushing my mouth down to hers.
“You feel amazing. God, I missed you. It’s been so long since I’ve had you, and it’s never felt better. I fucking love you, Taylor. Christ, I don’t know how much longer I can last,” I shouted as I could feel my balls tightening. I pulled back a little to look into her eyes, which were filled with unshed tears.
“Am I hurting you?” I asked as she shook her head from side to side.
I may have not hurt her now, but I know I did in the past. I thought we would have more time to talk and work out our feelings, but it’s always been explosive between us, and it’s always led us here—in bed.
“Let me be on top,” she breathily asked.
> I flipped us over as she rode my cock to the precipice of our orgasms. We came beautifully together, with Taylor collapsing onto my hard chest of muscles.
“I love you too. I always will,” she said and then got off me, running into her bathroom.
The sound of the lock was deafening as I lay on her bed cursing myself for being a selfish asshole. I heard the shower turn on, clearly washing away what we just did.
I got up from her bed and got dressed, her scent still on me. I sat on the edge of the bed and waited for Taylor to come back out. Time crawled on by as the room was filled with silence, making me get up to knock on the door. When I turned the knob, it opened easily, and I walked in with Taylor sitting at her vanity staring mindlessly into the mirror. I knelt down behind her, wrapping my arms around her back.
“I’m sorry, baby. So sorry for everything I’ve put you through. Please forgive me?” I begged as she remained silent.
She looked into the mirror, saw me still holding her, and then she said, “Patton, that’s just it, and it’s always been this way since our beginning. You fuck up, then say you are sorry, and I forgive you. I always forgive you, because it’s as easy as breathing for me. You rescued me a long time ago, and after your accident, I believed I could do the same for you, but I realize now that’s not true. This has to be goodbye for us. Please just let me go and allow me to love you from another place.”
Tears were falling down her face as I couldn’t find my voice to beg her to stay with me. She got up and moved around me as I remained on the floor, watching her walk away, maybe for the very last time. I began to cry, and then I remembered I had only cried one time before, when I lost my mother. It had been years since that fateful day, but somehow today felt so much worse.
When I finally got up from the floor, I felt empty and so alone. She was back in her bedroom but with her back to me, no doubt still crying. I hated it when she cried, and it broke my heart to witness it.
All In With Me: A With Me In Seattle Universe Novella Page 6
