I grabbed my coat and began to leave when I stopped and rushed over to her side, pulling her back into my arms. I grabbed her face and crushed my mouth down to her tear-soaked lips and professed my love to her again.
“I know I am not blameless in all of this. It’s why I am here trying to make things right with you, but you would rather run away to Paris than face the truth.”
“And what truth is that?” she asked through more of the falling tears that lined her face.
“The truth that you love me in a way that is so hard for you to admit. You see, you were alone for a long time, never daring to let anyone get close to you because, after your shit of an ex-husband who couldn’t really appreciate what he had, you just gave up altogether. You gave up on love, Taylor, real love from a good man that could show it to you unconditionally. I am that man for you—your man. Yes, I’m not perfect and have made my share of mistakes, but baby, you are making an even bigger one now by leaving. So go ahead and be a coward, not facing what you feel for me.” I was shouting so loud that I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the neighbors called the police, but then again this was New York.
“How dare you call me a coward!? It was you who pushed me away, telling me that you needed fucking space! So, now that you have it, you suddenly want me back? What happened, Patton? Was the silence too much for you? Or you just couldn’t find another damsel in distress to rescue?”
I let her shout it out and vilify me in all the ways she knew would hurt me, and then she slapped me so hard across my cheek, my head actually jerked back, taking me totally off-guard. When the sting from the slap registered, she lost the fight in her and stepped back, looking afraid of what I might do.
“Wipe that scared look off your face, and look at me,” I demanded.
She did immediately with tear-filled eyes. I let out a breath and moved my jaw from side to side.
In a low whisper, I said, “I have never raised my hand to you nor would I ever to a woman. I would never hurt you in that way, and I’m sorry if you thought I would. Where did you go, Taylor? And who is the person standing in front of me filled with rage and coldness in her eyes? Please, baby, if you would just knock down the wall that is clearly between us right now, you would see the love in my eyes when I look at you and feel my truth when I touch you. I don’t know how many more times I can apologize for hurting you, but baby, you’ve hurt me too and yet, I’m still here. You can run and move to the other side of the world if that’s what it will take to make you forget me. I know you, Taylor, every part of you. And it won’t be easy, but you’ll try and fail, because you know there will never be another man for you. I am in you, and you are in me. ‘All in,’ remember? And fuck you for attempting to believe otherwise. I will love you forever.”
And with that, I walked out, giving her exactly what she asked for. She broke my heart tonight, and I just let her go, because what else could I say that I haven’t a hundred times before? I was just too late, and now it’s really over.
It began to rain as I stepped out of her building. It was heavy, quickly soaking me, which felt like a shot in the gut, because it brought me back to the day when I met Taylor.
The joke was on me though, because she wouldn’t be rescuing me. No, she was leaving me for good, and there was not one thing I could do to stop her.
My driver finally got out of the car, holding an umbrella for me, but what was the point when I was already wet. I just couldn’t move.
Then I looked up to see Taylor watching me from the window, and the light turned off. I let out a pained sigh. I got into the back as the driver closed the door, and I silently said goodbye.
Until I take my last breath, you will always be in my heart.
Chapter 6
Moment of truth
Present
I left her apartment amazed I could still walk after being decimated by the only woman I would ever love. My heart was left in shattered pieces, and whether she chose to believe it or not, hers was too.
Without any more fight left in me, I did it. I walked out without ever knowing if this was the last time I would see Taylor again. I was a total mess sitting in a drenched suit, but I didn’t give a shit and knew what I had to do before leaving the city.
I stopped by Becca’s dorm to say goodbye before heading for the airport. She was sure I was going to change her mother's mind about leaving and giving us a second chance, but sadly, I guess I didn’t plead my case hard enough. I wasn’t about to go into all the details, knowing her mother would fill her in some time down the road. Taylor was a private person, and she took the time to process her feelings and shield Becca from a lot of them.
The days that followed were packed with training and pre-game interviews and preparations for the big game. I stayed under the radar for most of it until the owner and general manager asked to see me for a sit-down meeting. I almost wanted to tell them all to fuck off and try to win the game without me, but they surprised me by taking a different approach to the ongoing battle between us.
“Patton, it’s been a long road getting back here to the Super Bowl, and we know we couldn’t have done it without you. You triumphed through your recovery and beat the odds that were stacked against you. We need you on our team, and no matter what happens, win or lose, we hope you will re-sign with us and continue to play your heart out for this game. Your contract will be open-ended, and terms…” He hesitated and said, “…your terms will be negotiated to best suit your needs. We just wanted you to know where we stand, and we hope we can reach a mutual decision that will be best for everyone.”
I sat there taking it all in, and in that defining moment, I should have felt elation. Here they were eating crow because they underestimated me. I have them backed into a corner and since they are begging me to re-sign, I probably could ask for money and they would give it to me. To watch them give in to my every demand should have given me pleasure, but it didn’t. No, it was quite the opposite, because in the end, I was a brand that made them a great deal of money. Talks of retiring are just a well-known play to keep all the interested parties talking and bringing new deals to the table. I’ve given the NFL eighteen years, and I’m closing in on my fortieth birthday with the knowledge that no player will break my records any time soon. It’s all great on paper, and maybe one day it will be great to read a biography of my life. Having said that, it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve lost Taylor and would give anything to have her back.
“Well? What do you say, Patton? Do we have a deal?” he asked too confidently believing it was a done deal.
“I’ll let you know,” was all I could say to their stunned faces. I showed them the door, and although I didn’t say the words to them, I already knew I had made my decision. It was clear as day.
“Hey, man, how you holding up?” asked Will as he approached me in the locker room. “It’s quiet in here. Did you have something to do with that?”
“Yeah, I told them I wanted to be alone for a while, and since they are waiting on pins and needles for my answer, they are willing to give me almost anything right now. So it’s the silence I requested. How about you? How are you doing? You ready to throw?”
“Hell yes! Denver is not going to see me coming today. It’s the day of reckoning, long overdue to reclaim the game we lost.”
“I agree. I just wish I wasn’t doing it alone.”
“You’re not alone. You have me and the entire team backing you.”
“I think you know I wasn’t talking about the team.”
“Yeah, I do know. I guess I didn’t want to bring up old feelings, especially on a day like today.”
“Will, it doesn’t matter. She’s always with me, and there is nothing I can do to change it. I want her back, but I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to win her heart again. It was so easy back then when we first met. She took my breath away, literally stopped my breathing. She just stood at that bus stop soaking wet and in need of someone sweeping her off her feet, a person to resc
ue her and make her feel special. And for a time I was that man. The night back at her apartment, I really thought we reached a turning point, especially after we made love, and then our world shifted, and it was like she was gone and replaced with someone I didn’t know. Our words to each other were so final. I’ve never felt so empty inside. Just remembering and replaying it over and over in my head makes me feel sick to my stomach when I know I need to be strong enough to play.”
“It’s going to be okay, Patton. It always is where it matters,” Will said, slapping my back.
“Thanks, but I’m not so sure. I was so wrong, and the thought of moving forward in my life without her is just unbearable to me. I see it now, crystal clear, and it’s too late.” I placed my head against the locker and just gave in to the pain I was feeling.
Will stepped up and asked me to look at him. When I did, he asked me to really listen to what he was about to say.
“Patton, you are one of the strongest men I’ve ever known. There is nothing you cannot do and conquer once you set your heart and mind to it. I know things don’t look good right now between you and Taylor and you feel like shit, but man, you have to put those feelings aside just for now. It’s time to go to work. It’s what we’ve been working so hard for. It’s time to go out there and show the world that you are still here and ready in heart and body to play this game. No matter what happens today, this is your moment to shine. It’s the game to end all games, and it's yours. I will have your back out there, and you will have mine. No matter what, they can’t take anything away that you’ve earned by sheer strength and determination. Let’s get out there and play the game of our life. You and me, one more time?” he said all the right things, knowing me all too well. It’s what I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself.
“Yeah, one more time,” I said and then gave my friend a hug, silently thanking him for all his support.
“Let’s go,” he said.
“I’m right behind you. I just need to do one thing, okay?”
“You got it. See you in the tunnel.”
I pulled out my phone from my bag and dialed her number, not caring if this was a mistake or not. Her voicemail picked up right away, indicating that her phone was off.
The line beeped, and I said, “Hey, I’m sure I’m the last person you expected to hear from, especially today of all days, but the only thing I want to be doing right now is talking to you. Taylor, I still have so much to tell you, and I hope one day I get the chance to do so. I’m sorry I called you a coward; you’re not one for protecting the heart I broke. I was the coward first, who couldn’t face the possible truth that after my accident I may have never played again. Back then, it was so hard to admit that to myself, let alone to you. We said so many hurtful words to each other that felt like knives piercing my skin. We are better than the two people we were on that night back at your apartment. And I don’t want to say anything else to further hurt you, but you were wrong about my heart. My heart does have room for you in it. Whether you believe me or not, I will always love you. I pray that one day I will be able to prove that love to you, because there will never be anyone else for me. This heart of mine is yours, and it will always belong to you.”
I ended the call and left my quiet room to go out into the stadium and make some noise. Will was right, he usually is when it comes to me and football. Today belongs to me, and I will play it with all my heart, the very one that belongs to Taylor Ashby.
I took another minute to compose myself before joining my teammates and coaches as we were all ready to run out of the tunnel of the Hard Rock Stadium. We took a knee as our coach gave us an inspiring speech about how hard we’ve worked to be here together in this moment. To go out there and play with the fire that burned in all of us since day one. Now it’s time to go show Denver who we are and to never underestimate what we will do out there today.
Will pulled me aside as we did our signature helmet crush that we’ve done throughout the years as our friendship grew and the comradery we felt as teammates. When he looked into my eyes, I knew he saw the change in them and the decision I had made. His career would go on after today, and mine would come to a triumphant finale.
He pulled me forward and said, “Blaze of glory and on your own terms, right, my brother?”
“You better fucking believe it! Let’s do this…one more time.”
Our team stood and waited in the tunnel as the crowd went wild. The promo music began blaring throughout the arena as we were introduced and made our way out to the field.
We all felt the electricity reverberate through us as we waited for the coin toss to begin. Montgomery would represent us along with our other team captains. This is it!
I stood there and thought silently, this is the last game I will ever play, and I feel at peace with my decision. If you would have asked me this even three years ago when my relationship with Taylor began, I would have said no and don’t even think about questioning me again about it. No, this time is different. I feel it in my heart and throughout my soul that I am making the right choice.
After the announcements were made, it was time to toss the coin and get this game started. We already knew how we would begin the game, so now it was time to make it official. I listened as the referee stepped forward.
“Gentleman, congratulations and welcome to Super Bowl 52. It is my honor to introduce the honorary Captain Thomas Williams of the United States Marine Corp. Thomas is a Medal of Honor recipient for his service to the United States during World War II. As per tradition, the Lombardi coin will be used in the coin toss for this afternoon’s game. The Lombardi Trophy is heads, and the 52nd Super bowl emblem is tails. Captain Williams, the honor is yours,” said the ref as he handed him the coin surrounded by two teams anxious and ready to begin.
With the cheers behind him, the ref asked Will what we chose, and he said heads as Captain Williams tossed the coin high in the area, landing right in the middle of both teams.
Referee Steadman shouted out nice and loud, “Its heads! Seattle has won the toss,” which we deferred to Denver. With the thundering applause all around, both teams took their place and began Super Bowl 52.
We scored early on with a touchdown and then a perfect kick for the extra point. Denver rallied back quickly, and it was on for the first half with me catching pass after pass from Will as I drove further down into the end zone to score another 47-yard touchdown pass. I was on fire as I knew I would be all day long. It didn’t matter that the linebackers tossed me around like a rag doll during some of the harder plays, because nothing was going to stop me today. Keep them coming, I said to myself as my thoughts relayed back to Will as we ran our final play before the half-time show.
“As we close the second quarter, it’s Patton James catching another pass from Montgomery, successfully completing a first down. Here we go as Montgomery is under pressure and manages to throw another completed pass to Darby Barnes. James is looking on as he sets up for the next play. These guys are unstoppable as Barnes once again catches but is hit hard as he goes down. James is not happy, but we’ve seen this look before, and he’s going into beast mode on the final play. Montgomery fires, and his aim is James as he throws…with Patton James easily catching the big play for 3rd and 6th. A four-minute rush, and it’s caught by Patton James for the touchdown! Seattle has scored again! As we go into half-time, Seattle leads by three touchdowns over the Denver Broncos.”
I was still celebrating with Barnes as Will literally leapt onto my back, celebrating the last touchdown pass. Will still has a lot more games left in his career, but he knows it’s my last game forever. He is making every pass count more than he ever has done before. Of course, it’s our secret, and no one seems to have caught on so far.
Toby checked me out during the break as my ribs were throbbing a bit. The second to last hit I took was rough as my body skidded toward the end zone and I plowed into the mob of cameramen on the sidelines. I didn't care, because the touchdown was good, and we put
more points on the scoreboard. We had a nice lead, but we still had a lot of football to play. I didn’t want to get too overconfident, especially with Manning leading the Broncos. He was like Brady; never count them out until the last pass is thrown.
It was now or never, the last play of the game. Every part of my body ached, but I had to be strong for one more play. This was the blaze of glory play that Will and I worked out before getting it approved by our coach. He said it was risky, but there was no way the Broncos could beat us now. This play was about me and me alone. It was my goodbye to an amazing 18-year career.
“3rd down and 1 as Phillips makes the play. It’s 4th down and the last play of the game.”
Come on, James. Let’s take it to beast mode, I think aloud to get myself hyped up as Montgomery focuses on me and I prepare for the touchdown and the Lombardi Trophy. With just under a minute to go, we were on the 23rd-yard line as we rolled into the final plays.
I look to Will as he gives me the direction sign. He wants me to go in.
It’s me and you, brother. Let’s finish this, I silently chant to myself.
We were 35 seconds away as I caught the pass and took it down the remaining yards to victory! I was toppled by my teammates as the crowd went wild, with confetti raining down on us.
It’s over. We just won the Super Bowl, and as soon as I walked off this field, I could begin my life again, but it wouldn’t be alone. It would be with Taylor Ashby. I knew this with every fiber of my being.
They were carrying Will across the field, and I took a minute to enjoy the moment. He was my best friend and the best teammate I ever had the pleasure of playing this game with.
He never let me down as we played side-by-side throughout the years. He got me through my darkest days after the accident which nearly ended my career and during the agonizing rehabilitation. And then there was Taylor. I was foolish back then and tossed aside the greatest person in my life. Now that this was over, I was going to do everything possible to win her back. I’d follow her all around the world if I had to. This time it would be on her terms, just as it was on mine to walk away and say goodbye to the game.
All In With Me: A With Me In Seattle Universe Novella Page 7
