In Helen’s Hands

by Nanisi Barrett D'Arnuk

  I didn’t.

  I cried.

  * * *

  I couldn’t think. There was just the tightening in my chest and in my stomach, the pounding in my head.

  It could have been ten minutes or ten hours, but it seemed like an eternity. I could hear the clock ticking, but I couldn’t concentrate to count the seconds. Was it the clock or my heartbeat? It seemed to speed and slow at random. I had no way of telling what was real and what wasn’t. The room was pitch dark, not even a sliver of light under the door. I couldn’t remember where anything was. The darkness blocked direction and distance. Something could have been inches away, and I’d never know it. I listened carefully, but all I heard was the click of the clock as second after second slid by.

  The door swung open without warning, and the light from the hallway blinded me. I screwed my eyes shut. I couldn’t see who was there, but I hoped it was Helen.

  Please God, let it be Helen.

  I waited, my heart pounding so violently, I couldn’t hear if someone came into the room.

  A voice whispered in my ear. “Have you stood long enough, Little Butch?”

  “Yes, Mistress. I’ve learned. I’ll never disobey you again. I promise. I promise!” The tears started to flow.

  The cuff loosened around my neck, and as soon as it was removed, I dropped the chains and fell to my knees, my head to the floor. Except for the clink of chains banging against the wall, there was silence.

  “See, Neisy? It didn’t take much time at all. Not even two hours.”

  Two hours? Two hours! I wanted to rub my eyes. The light still burned them, but I couldn’t open them yet.

  “Neisy, light some candles and shut the door. And get him a handkerchief for his nose.”

  I heard giggling as Neisy walked away. Soon, the light mellowed, and I could open my eyes. I felt a brush of air as a wad of tissue dropped beside me.

  “Clean your face, boy. You look a little bedraggled.”

  I wiped my face and blew my nose. It took several tissues to get all the sweat, tears, and snot, especially from my position.

  Neisy massaged my back. Soon, I began to regain my composure, and my breathing returned to normal.

  “What did you learn, boy?” Helen asked.

  “That I will obey whatever you say, ma’am.”

  “Did you enjoy that lesson?”

  “No, ma’am.”

  “Will you disobey me again?”

  “Oh no, ma’am.”

  Neisy leaned close to my ear. “Thank her for teaching you this.”

  “Thank you for this valuable lesson, ma’am. You’re very generous to teach me.”

  Helen chuckled. “Is that what you were thinking while you were standing there?”

  “No, ma’am.”

  “What were you thinking?”

  “How messy it would be if I threw up,” I blurted.

  Helen let out a wonderful loud laugh. I smiled as I felt her displeasure flow away. Neisy seemed to relax, and her stroking became lighter. At Helen’s command, she brought me a glass of water that I greedily gulped. I hadn’t realized how dry I’d become. When I finished, I lowered my head to the floor.

  “Well,” Helen said, a smile in her voice. “I think there’s one more lesson this boy has to learn tonight.”

  “One more, ma’am?” My God.

  “Lie on the table.”

  Not knowing what to expect, I crawled to the low, padded table and lay on it.

  “On your back, boy. You won’t get out of it that easy.”

  I rolled over. Anxiety returned to my stomach.

  Helen smiled and took leather straps and bands from the armoire. She handed some to Neisy to attach them to my wrists and ankles. Soon I was spread-eagled, held by the straps attached to the thick hooks. “Comfy, Little Butch?”

  I licked my lips. “I…I guess so, ma’am.”

  Helen sat beside me and caressed my face. “We’re going to reach a new zone tonight, my Little Butch, so I want you to be very careful. Do everything I say. And for this scene, I want you to look me in the eyes the whole time.”

  “Ma’am?” I asked and slowly looked. I was amazed by the intensity in her eyes. I felt as if I was falling into them, completely overwhelmed. A moment passed as I felt awash in her.

  “That’s very good, my sweet boy. I think that this will be your forte. Do you like candles?”

  I glanced at the dozen or so candles of different sizes and heights. My eyes fell back into hers. “Y…yes, ma’am.”

  She held her hand out, and Neisy gave her a candlestick with a long white taper. Helen shielded the flame from the air as she moved the candle over me.

  “Candles are so beautiful and shed such wonderful light, don’t you think?” she asked, smiling with a glint in her eye. “Candles can do such wonderful things.”

  As I stared into her eyes, the candle tilted to let a large drop of melted wax fall on my stomach. “Oh!” I cried as it burned.

  Helen stared deeply into my eyes. “You’ll like this, won’t you, boy?” She smiled as she let another drop fall.

  I writhed as the fire spread. Then I took a deep breath as my skin cooled the wax into a solid.

  “Keep looking at me, boy. I want to see your eyes as you become part of this candle.”

  She seemed to blur as the drops fell; she worked her way upward in a thin path between my breasts. I tried to keep my eyes on her, but my focus kept following as she watched the wax.

  One after another, the drops sent a searing fire that seemed to burn through my flesh into my heart. The candle came closer and closer, the wax becoming hotter and hotter. The burning was exquisite. I floated, reaching up to meet the wax. At some point, someone held my wrists as I writhed. The wax bored into me, scorching me in an exquisite pattern of light, pain, and pleasure.

  A thin path of wax grew around my breast. I tried to watch, but I floated higher above the table as the flames floated above me. I wasn’t on this planet. I didn’t want to be. I wanted to fall into the candles, to become a part of them.

  Cool hands stroked me. Where I wasn’t sure. Someone spoke, but the ability to translate sounds had left me. I was awash in the flood of sensations. Someone lifted my head, and a cool substance lapped at my lips.

  “Try to drink this, boy. Swallow it. Remember to swallow.”

  It took a minute to remember how, but then I was gulping water. I drank as if I hadn’t had liquid in days.

  A beautiful face floated above me. “Welcome back, Little Butch.” Helen’s soothing voice, a warm smile across her face.

  “That was incredible, Mistress,” I murmured, still miles away.

  “Yes. Yes, it was.”

  Then I asked the unthinkable. “Is that all, ma’am?”

  Helen broke out into a hearty laughter. “I think this little wax slut wants more.” She glanced at Neisy. I couldn’t take my eyes off her face.

  “Give it to him, Mistress.” Neisy’s voice.

  Helen turned back to me. “Do you want more, boy?”

  “Oh yes, ma’am. Please.”

  “Can you take more without calling your safe word?”

  “Yes, ma’am.” That phrase was becoming a mantra that soothed me.

  “What is your safe word?”

  I had to stop to think. “Boston.”

  “Very good. Remember it. You may need it soon. Why do you want more wax?”

  “I…I want to go there again.”

  “You like flying that much?”

  I must have nodded because Helen laughed the evil laugh that sent shivers through me. This time it seemed like a song. “Are you sure?”

  “Oh yes…I’m sure.” At that point, I would have begged if I had to.

  “Ma’am?” she asked.

  At first, I wasn’t sure what she wanted.

  “Have you forgotten your manners, boy? You’re asking for more and not even addressing me properly?”

  I tried not to hyperventilate. What if she denied me? �
�I’m sorry, ma’am…Mistress. Please…if you’d like to, please. I can take some more, ma’am. If you want to give them to me.”

  There was that laugh again. “Then you shall have more.” And the drops began again.

  It was better than any of the drugs I’d tried in college. I flew higher and faster than I’d ever experienced, no matter how expensive the dope had been. I’m not sure how long it lasted or even when she stopped, but I caught her voice flowing out of the stratosphere.

  “He really knows how to zone, doesn’t he? I’ve never seen anyone go that far on the first try.”

  “Yes, ma’am. It was magnificent.” Neisy stroked my face. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone take it like that.”

  “Well, Sweet One, you can zone that far, but it took you a while to reach that level.” She lifted my head again. “Swallow more of this; your lips are dry.”

  I gulped the cool liquid.

  “Do you know who you are?”

  It seemed like such a silly question, but I had to search for the answer. “Mickey? Your Little Butch?”

  Helen laughed again, warmly this time. “That’s very good. I wasn’t sure you’d remember. There’s just one more step, Little Butch. We have to get this off you now.”

  She chuckled as I looked down at my body. I was covered with a thick layer of wax. Most of the candles had burned down to nubs. Only two still burned, and the lights were on.

  “This will be the fun part. I want you to watch carefully.” She held a hunting knife, ten inches long. I took as deep a breath as I dared.

  Helen grinned. “Do knives scare you?”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I could barely whisper. All of the flying I’d done a moment ago had abandoned me and left me in a deep, dark hole that was threatening to bury me in tons of ash.

  “Then you’ll have to be very still.” She smiled as she began to scrape the wax off my stomach with the blade.

  Barely allowing myself to breathe, I watched as she cleaned the wax from my body. The blade cut through the wax as if it was butter. I didn’t even want to speculate on what it could do to my skin. As she worked her way toward my breasts, I held my breath.

  “I’d breathe if I were you, Little Butch. Just hold very still.” With that, she flicked a large glob of wax from my left breast. I inhaled sharply as it flew away.

  “Your nipples will be the fun part.” Helen smirked. “Maybe I should just cut those nipples off so they’ll be nice and smooth. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about the wax.”

  I whimpered. Did I really need to get the wax off? Maybe it would melt off if I took a hot shower.

  “What do you think, Neisy?”

  I heard a giggle behind me. “The Mistress is just playing with you.”

  “Are you sure?” Helen asked. I gasped as a chunk of wax fell from around my nipple. I was, gasping. I was about to lose it. I’d never been afraid of knives before. It seemed so absurd.

  I giggled. I could feel all my emotions just below the wax, fighting to get out, but there were so many; I couldn’t control them. I laughed hysterically. Tears flowed from my eyes, and a deep sob overwhelmed me. I had to laugh at the thought of it, too. Laughing and crying at the same time but I didn’t know how to stop. I was on a carousel spinning out of control, faster and faster.

  Helen stroking my face calmed me. “Shh, Little Butch, It’s all right. Shh,” she crooned. “I have you. You’re safe.” She moved closer and murmured to Neisy to release my wrists. Then she held me, rocking me as I laughed and cried into her shoulder, clinging to her.

  “Please, Mistress, should I use my safe word? I don’t think I can take knives tonight.”

  There was a long pause. “No, my Little Butch. I’ll be very careful. Close your eyes, and it’ll all be over in a minute.”

  I slammed my eyes shut. “Thank you, Mistress.”

  I could still feel the blade. Finally, she removed a patch that had fallen between my thighs. “That’s all of it, boy. You can relax and breathe.” Helen drew me into her arms again. I sobbed in relief. “This has been a roller coaster for you, hasn’t it?”

  “Oh yes, ma’am,” I said as I buried my face against her breasts. Compared to the knife, her body felt so safe and warm.

  “Did you really think I would cut you?”

  “No, ma’am. But I was so afraid of the knife. I’ve never been afraid of them like that before.”

  “You zoned to new heights tonight. That can leave you feeling vulnerable. I should have foreseen that.”

  As Neisy unstrapped my ankles, I curled up against Helen, who held me close and rocked me until my breathing had calmed. “Next time, ma’am. I’ll try harder next time.”

  “You tried very hard this time, didn’t you?”

  I nodded against her.

  “Such a good boy,” she whispered. “When you’re ready, shower, get some clothes on, and come on downstairs for breakfast. I think you need a really good meal.”

  * * *

  I was still dazed when I went downstairs, but the food Neisy put in front of me looked so good, I couldn’t push it away: poached eggs on toast and cold orange juice. I didn’t realize until I finished that both Helen and Neisy were staring at me.

  “Pretty hungry, weren’t you?” Helen chuckled.

  “Yes, ma’am. I’ve never tasted anything that delicious.”

  “You can get very hungry when you travel that far.”

  I nodded with a shy grin.

  “Maybe we’ll have to keep him out of the dungeon, or our food bill will be astronomical.”

  I bowed my head in apology.

  “Either that or let him starve,” Neisy suggested.

  I looked at her with fear in my eyes.

  “Now, she’s kidding,” Helen said. “I won’t mind if you eat me out of house and home if you continue to please me like that.”

  I grinned. “Thank you, Mistress…for everything.”

  Helen sat back with a wide smile on her face. “I feel you’ve completed the training I had for you, boy.”

  “Already?” I was amazed.

  “You learn fast. Can I count on you to control yourself?”

  “Yes, Mistress.”

  “What do you think, Neisy?”

  Neisy looked at me in thought. “Aside from learning how to set a table, I don’t think there’s much more…for now.”

  “And what do you think?” she asked me.

  “Whatever you wish, Mistress,” I said without hesitation.

  Helen smiled at Neisy. “Well, there you go. Come over here, boy.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said and sank to my knees beside her.

  Helen took a box that had been sitting on the table. “You’ll wear this to signify that I own you. Not when you leave the apartment or when others come to visit. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I smiled nervously. This was turning into a major moment.

  “You still want to belong to me, don’t you?”

  “Yes, ma’am, I do.”

  She buckled a brown dog collar around my neck. “Remember all you’ve learned in the past three days. Don’t be too conceited about this, and be aware that you represent me in everything you do. Do you understand that?”

  “Yes, Mistress.” I glanced over at Neisy with her delicate black collar, and she smiled at me.

  “What was the most important thing you learned, boy?”

  I didn’t hesitate. “To control myself, ma’am.”

  Helen looked proudly at Neisy. “You officially have a brother, Sweet One. Treat him well.” Then Helen looked back at me. “Training is complete…for now. Have a cup of coffee. You have a lot of work to do. The music’s been sitting there for days!”

  Chapter Ten

  My life grew to revolve around Helen; not that it hadn’t before, but now I had a purpose, a goal. I transcribed her music at the piano, and I pleased her in the dungeon. No matter what she wanted, I jumped to every command. I lived in heaven, and I melted whenever she
said, “You please me, boy.”

  The days grew into weeks before I realized it. I got Helen’s permission to call Frank and sort of explained what was going on. I told him I had more work than I’d thought, and I wouldn’t be back in Boston for a while, but that everything was going well. He suggested he go to Ann’s and put my belongings in storage. I said no, that I didn’t know how long I’d be in New York or if it’d be permanent but that I’d keep in touch and was having a wonderful time.

  Helen was sometimes home during the day, other times not. She spent a lot of time in the recording studio or in rehearsals. The first recording was always as she wanted it. She never needed a second take unless someone else made a mistake.

  Evenings at the apartment had fallen into two categories: Easy, when Helen would sit in her chair and read or go over the day’s manuscripts while Neisy and I watched TV or listened to music and read. And hard, when Helen wanted us in the dungeon. Sometimes, she’d want both of us; other times, just one.

  I began to look forward to the dungeon. Something inside me had snapped that night with the wax, and I looked forward to everything that happened there. I’d always enjoyed sex. With men or women, it had been a favorite pastime, but over the past few weeks, it had become almost as important to me as my music. Not vanilla sex, where everything was gentle and loving, and I ended up feeling as if I needed to get married. Heavens no. I wanted the pain and floating, the rough sex that I kept giving and giving until there was nothing left…then I started again. The pain was becoming exquisite, and I was amazed at how much I could take. The more my body hurt the next day, the happier I was.

  * * *

  One night, Neisy put the radio on in the middle of the living room and swayed to the music. As it got faster and wilder, so did she. Soon she was grinding, her hands moving over her body, eyes on Helen. I sat there on the floor, mesmerized. As Helen stroked my hair, I realized that Neisy’s seductive movements were having an incredible effect. Helen watched with her eyes slightly closed, an evil grin beginning on her face.