Woman in Blue

by Eileen Goudge

  “Even when you know how to swim, it can sometimes be an awful long way to shore,” cautioned Miss Honi, bringing her back to earth. “You got your little girl to think of, too.”

  Kerrie Ann grew impatient. “I am thinking of her. This is as much for Bella as it is for me. Don’t forget, Jeremiah’s her daddy.”

  “Ain’t no denying that—she’s the spitting image of him. But he walked out on you once, and who’s to say he won’t do it again? You willing to take that risk?” Miss Honi gave her a long, searching look.

  “Yes,” she said with a certainty she didn’t feel. It was true that Jeremiah had walked out on her and might do so again. Also, there was a reason why romantic entanglements in the first year of sobriety were frowned on—especially between two recovering addicts. But if she wasn’t a hundred percent sure she was making the right move, she told herself nothing in life came with a guarantee.

  She felt bad about Ollie, though. Not just because she knew this was hurting him. She still had feelings for him. Feelings that had crept up on her so gradually, she hadn’t noticed at first. Now she felt as if something irreplaceable had been lost.

  “Okay, but don’t rush into anything,” advised Miss Honi. “You don’t have to shack up with him just ’cause you’re sharing his bed.” It was a moment before Kerrie Ann remembered that they were talking about Jeremiah. “If he means to stick around, he’ll still be there when the time is right.”

  “How come you never got married, Miss Honi?” Kerrie Ann was eager to change the subject.

  The older woman paused in sponging down the sink, her gaze turning inward. “Oh, I don’t know. It wasn’t in the cards, I guess. Not that I didn’t have my chances. There was this one fella in particular …” She wore a small, remembering smile. “He said if I wouldn’t marry him he’d keep right on asking till I said yes, even if it took years.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I wasn’t ready to settle down. Anyway, he moved on eventually. Found himself a nice girl, a secretary at his firm, who wouldn’t raise eyebrows at the PTA, if you catch my drift. Turned out to be for the best. We both knew that I wasn’t cut out to be a wife.”

  “I think you would’ve made a great wife,” Kerrie Ann replied staunchly. She didn’t know anyone more loving or loyal than Miss Honi.

  Miss Honi flashed her a grateful look. “Thanks, sugar. But you didn’t know me back then—I was quite the gadabout. Loved the nightlife. Loved being onstage. Figured I had myself a real career—not like the girls nowadays, with their store-bought bosoms and all that grinding in men’s laps. By the time I’d been at it long enough to realize it wasn’t all glitz and glamour, I was too old to get a husband—leastwise none I’da wanted.”

  “Didn’t you want kids?”

  “I had you and your sister, didn’t I? I couldn’ta loved either of you more’n if you was my own.” Miss Honi grew misty-eyed. “Now, come give me a hug. No hard feelings? If this boy makes you happy, then I’ll be the first in line to throw rice at your wedding.” She opened her arms, and Kerrie Ann walked into them as naturally as if she’d been doing so all her life.

  When Kerrie Ann drew back, her own eyes were moist. She quickly turned away so Miss Honi wouldn’t see. “I should go change. He’s picking me up in a few minutes.” Jeremiah was taking her to tonight’s meeting.

  Fifteen minutes later she was roaring down the highway in Jeremiah’s pimped-out Caddie. When they pulled up in front of the church, several people on the sidewalk turned to stare. Normally she’d have been embarrassed to be seen arriving at a meeting in a car that looked like it belonged to a drug dealer, but being around Jeremiah made her strangely reckless for some reason—she felt as if she were sixteen again, flouting all the rules.

  Jeremiah let the Caddie idle at the curb. “What do you say we skip the meeting just this once?” He spoke casually. “We could grab a bite to eat and head over to my place instead, make an early night of it.” At the look she gave him, he added, “Or not. Just a suggestion.”

  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” It was a slippery slope, and she’d heard too many stories about what happened to people who skipped meetings. At the same time, she didn’t think he’d meant anything by it; it wasn’t as if he’d suggested they head for the nearest bar.

  “You’re probably right. I mean, there must be a reason we’re here three nights a week. Like we’re such hard cases we’d crash and burn otherwise.” An impish smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

  “Speak for yourself,” she said.

  “Aha! So you admit you’re not such a hard case.” He was grinning now.

  “I’m not admitting to anything.”

  “You just said …”

  “I know what I said. You’re twisting my words. And yes, we did—do—need to go to all those meetings. How do you think we got here in the first place? It sure isn’t ’cause we like sitting on hard folding chairs, drinking shitty coffee and listening to a bunch of sad tales.”

  “You got that right.” Jeremiah nodded vigorously, though she couldn’t tell if he was simply agreeing that no one in their right mind would want to drink shitty coffee while sitting on a hard folding chair. “But there’s such a thing as being too religious, don’t you think? What’s the point of all those steps if, at the end, you’re still stuck in the same place, listening to the same old shit? You gotta live a little. Come on, don’t look at me like that.” He leaned over to nuzzle her cheek. “Admit it, you’d rather have me make mad, passionate love to you.”

  Kerrie Ann opened her mouth to tell him thanks but no thanks, she’d go without him if he didn’t care to join her, but an image of her sister rose in her mind just then—Lindsay, wearing her most disapproving face. She’d grown to love her sister, but there was no getting around the fact that Lindsay could be a stick-in-the-mud. The mere suggestion that Kerrie Ann might be in danger of becoming one, too, was enough to chase away the protest she’d been on the verge of uttering. Besides, Jeremiah was right about one thing: She could afford to skip a meeting now and then. It wasn’t like the NA police were going to hunt her down and arrest her.

  Also, she had to admit the prospect of making love was tempting. Jeremiah had never looked more fine, and she couldn’t deny the desire he stirred in her. And since this weekend was going to be devoted to Bella, shouldn’t they carve out some time for just the two of them?

  “All right,” she said. “Just this once.”

  On Saturday Kerrie Ann rose early, just as the sun was peeking over the horizon. Today was the day she was to pick up her daughter for her visit. She’d waited so long, and now it was finally here! As she tore around the bedroom like a madwoman, she was glad Jeremiah would be doing the driving. In her present state, she’d have been a menace on the road.

  “Where’s Snuffie? I have to find Snuffie!” she cried in a panic, kneeling to peer under the bed before darting over to the closet. Snuffie had been her daughter’s favorite stuffed animal when she was a toddler, and Kerrie Ann wanted it to be waiting for Bella when she got to the house. It was the only toy of Bella’s that she’d kept, and now it was missing.

  “I’ll look for Snuffie while you get dressed,” said Lindsay, steering her back into the bathroom.

  “Okay, yeah, good idea. Thanks.” Kerrie Ann was reminded that she was still in her bathrobe, her hair wet. If she didn’t hurry, she wouldn’t be ready by the time Jeremiah arrived.

  She was putting on her makeup when she remembered something else. Peanut butter! She’d forgotten to buy Skippy—the only brand Bella liked. All they had in the house was the chunky organic kind from the health food store. What kind of mother was she, forgetting something as basic as that? She groaned. Her hand was trembling so badly, she nearly jabbed herself in the eye with the wand as she brushed mascara onto her lashes.

  When she’d finished applying her makeup and drying her hair, she found Lindsay on her hands and knees in the bedroom, pawing through the contents of the box that h
ad been tucked into the back of the closet. “What is it now?” Lindsay asked in response to the dire look on her face.

  “I forgot to get Skippy.”

  “I thought it was Snuffie we were looking for.”

  “Skippy, as in peanut butter,” Kerrie Ann explained. “It’s the only kind she’ll eat.”

  “No big deal. I’ll pick some up. I have to go to the store anyway.”

  But Kerrie Ann just stood there, shaking her head and chewing on her lip. “Thanks, but that’s not the point. A good mom would’ve remembered.” What if this was just the first of many such lapses, culminating in her daughter’s slipping away from her altogether?

  Lindsay stood up and walked over to her, placing her hands squarely on Kerrie Ann’s shoulders as if to ground her. “You’re a good mom. But even good moms aren’t infallible. Besides, she’ll be so happy to see you, she won’t care about anything else.”

  “I just want everything to be perfect, you know?” Kerrie Ann had barely slept a wink the night before. It was so important that this visit go well. Their whole future depended on it.

  “It will be,” Lindsay assured her.

  She looked tired. It had been two weeks, but she still wasn’t over the shock of Randall’s betrayal. (If you could call it that; Kerrie Ann wasn’t convinced he’d set out to deceive her.) She wore the same haunted look that Kerrie Ann had when she’d come out of rehab. Kerrie Ann was reminded that she wasn’t the only one with problems, and she touched her sister’s arm lightly, saying, “Thanks. You’re a pretty cool sister, you know that?”

  A smile broke across Lindsay’s face—the first real smile in days. “Go. I’ll get breakfast ready while you finish getting dressed.” Lindsay spun her around and gave her a gentle push.

  By the time Kerrie Ann was ready, there was no time to eat, with Jeremiah due any minute. But her sister had anticipated that as well because she had the food packed up and ready to go. She thrust a bag into Kerrie Ann’s hands. “It’s just fruit and muffins, but it should tide you over until lunchtime. I packed enough for Jeremiah, too. Oh, and I found Snuffie—in Chester’s dog bed. I’ll have him all clean and spiffy by the time Bella gets here.”

  A wave of gratitude swept over Kerrie Ann, and she felt her throat tighten. “Thanks,” she said gruffly, almost missing the old days when nothing short of serious pain could get her to cry. Life had been harder then, but at least she hadn’t been forever in danger of puddling up. “Tell Miss Honi when she gets up to dust off that angel collection of hers. I told Bella all about it, and she can’t wait to meet the gang.”

  Her sister smiled. “I have a feeling I won’t have to.”

  The short beep of a car horn in the driveway sent Kerrie Ann racing out the door.

  Jeremiah chattered nonstop on the drive, talking about all the fun things they’d do with Bella this weekend and in the months to come. “We could take her to the San Francisco zoo,” he said. “Bet she’s never seen a live giraffe.”

  “Of course she’s seen a live giraffe,” Kerrie Ann replied. “She’s been to the zoo before.” Did Jeremiah think Bella was still a baby or that she’d been on hold all this time?

  “Okay, how about the water park?”

  “Wrong time of year.” There was still a nip in the air, and she didn’t want Bella catching cold.

  He shrugged. “I guess we’ll have to settle for a movie and popcorn, then, at least for tonight. What’s playing at the Rialto?” The Rialto was the lone movie theater in Blue Moon Bay.

  “I think it’s a Disney picture.”

  “What do you say?” Jeremiah looked pleased to have come up with a good suggestion.

  “I’m sure she’d love it.” Though, for all she knew, Bella might have already seen the movie. The thought brought a pang—she had once known everything that went on in Bella’s life.

  It was eleven fifteen by the time they arrived in Oakview. Kerrie Ann had phoned the caseworker as they were pulling into town, and now her heart leaped at the sight of Bella waiting with Mrs. Silvestre by the entrance to the dental clinic.

  “Mommy! Daddy!” Bella came running toward them, wearing a huge grin that showed the gap where she’d lost another tooth.

  Jeremiah’s reflexes were quicker than Kerrie Ann’s, and he scooped Bella into his arms, swinging her up into the air as easily as if she were a toddler. Bella shrieked with delight while Kerrie Ann looked on with mixed emotions. It didn’t seem fair somehow that Jeremiah, after having been a no-show most of Bella’s life, should get a free pass. But mainly she was glad that he was back in the picture as well as grateful for the vast capacity for forgiveness that little children seemed to have. From the way Bella acted around him, anyone would think he’d been a constant in her life from day one. The moment she’d laid eyes on him, she’d been smitten. Already she was calling him “Daddy.”

  Jeremiah lowered Bella to the ground, and then she was dashing over to hug Kerrie Ann. “Mommy!” Her face glowed. “I thought you’d never get here. What took you so long?”

  “It’s a long drive, sweetie,” Kerrie Ann reminded her. Holding tightly to Bella, she was gripped by an emotion more powerful than joy. A whole day and night with her little girl, and no one to peer over her shoulder! It was almost too good to be true. Something she’d once taken for granted but which she now saw as a gift.

  She was careful to speak politely to Mrs. Silvestre. “I promise to take good care of her,” said the newly humbled Kerrie Ann even as the old one ground her teeth at the injustice.

  Mrs. Silvestre gave her a coolly appraising look. “I’m sure you will,” she said. But this time it didn’t grate on Kerrie Ann. She knew Mrs. Silvestre was only doing her job.

  Then they were on the road again, Bella buckled into the backseat, all cares and woes set aside for the time being. They stopped for lunch at a McDonald’s along the way, to the delight of Bella, who had Jeremiah rolling his eyes and making gagging noises at her description of the healthy meals Carol Barthold prepared every night. “I’m not even allowed to have French fries!” she reported. Then she caught herself, adding, “But I like most of the stuff she makes. She’s a good cook.” Clearly she felt some loyalty toward her foster parents. The realization took some of the buoyancy out of Kerrie Ann’s mood, but as much as she wanted to despise the Bartholds, she couldn’t work up more than heated indignation. They were taking good care of Bella, which was more than she’d managed to do. How would it look to them that Bella’s first meal out with her mommy and daddy was junk food?

  But soon she stopped fretting. They were having too much fun. She didn’t even mind the umpteen choruses of “Row, row, row your boat” or Bella’s endless knock-knock jokes. By the time they arrived back at the house, it felt as if they’d always been a threesome, and at the few stops they made along the way she imagined the people they encountered thinking what a nice family they were.

  Lindsay and Miss Honi made a big fuss over Bella. Bella’s eyes widened at the sight of the old woman with the bright red lipstick and blue eye shadow. But she took to her at once, content to have Miss Honi hold her hand as they headed inside. And Miss Honi was at her best. When Bella declared, with an air of superiority, after Miss Honi suggested a game of Old Maid before supper, “Old Maid is for babies. I’m way too old for that,” the old woman merely laughed and said with a wink, “Well, sugar, in that case you’ll just have to teach me another game because this old maid only knows a few tricks.”

  When it was Lindsay’s turn, she squatted down so that she was at eye level with Bella, smiling at her warmly. “I want you to think of this as your home, too,” she said. “You’ll be sleeping in your mom’s bed”—Lindsay had volunteered to sleep on the living room sofa tonight so that Kerrie Ann and Bella could be in the same room—“but you’ll have your own set of sheets that no one else gets to use. They’ll be yours whenever you come to visit. Your mom bought them especially for you. She’s been so looking forward to this. We all have. We even made a special supper
in your honor—fried chicken.”

  Bella’s eyes lit up. “I love fried chicken.”

  Grant, who was in attendance as well, smiled at her and said, “Me, too. It’s my favorite.”

  “Who are you?” Bella looked up at him curiously.

  Grant glanced uncertainly at Lindsay, as if not quite sure what his role was, before answering, “You can call me Uncle Grant.”

  “I didn’t know I had an uncle,” Bella said.

  “You didn’t know you had an aunt, either,” put in Lindsay. “But we’ve heard so much about you, and we’re so happy to meet you!”

  “Amen to that!” declared Miss Honi.

  They all trooped into the house. Miss Honi unearthed a game of Boggle from one of the storage cupboards—a relic from Lindsay’s girlhood—and enlisted Grant, Jeremiah, and Bella to play while Lindsay and Kerrie Ann got supper on the table. After much hooting and hollering and wild accusations of cheating, Bella emerged the winner.

  “I’m afraid you had an unfair advantage, young lady,” said Grant, pulling a serious face that didn’t mask the twinkle in his eye. “Being as you’re so much smarter than the rest of us.”

  “I am?” Bella regarded him just as seriously.

  “’Course you are, sugar,” said Miss Honi. “Folks don’t get smarter with age; they just get their heads crammed full of more stuff.”

  Kerrie Ann laughed. “What Miss Honi is trying to say, sweetie, is that being a grown-up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

  “Speak for yourself,” sniffed Miss Honi. “I’m living proof that a few wrinkles don’t mean you have to hang it up. Even us older gals know how to kick up our heels.”

  Bella, in a floral-patterned smock dress that tied in back, ruffled socks, and white patent-leather shoes, studied Miss Honi for a long moment, her lips pursed, before pronouncing, “I want to be like you when I grow up. I didn’t know grandmas got to wear sparkles and stuff.”