the Trouble with Hate is...

by Elizabeth Stevens

“Yeah?”

  “Everything okay?” Georgie asked, fishing for information.

  I nodded. “Uh, yeah, just… I opened my big fat mouth again.” I pointed to the stairs. “I’m just going to go apologise…”

  The both nodded – completely believing me, because it was true more often than not – and Mum waved me on to follow Lani.

  As I’d expected, she’d gone straight down to the dance studio and music was blaring by the time I was halfway down the stairs. I found her going through a routine, still in her uniform, having only kicked off her shoes. She was furiously ignoring me; I could see it on her face in the mirror.

  As she spun, I grabbed her and pulled her up against my chest.

  “Casper, leave me alone.” Her eyes were glassy. I hadn’t seen her cry in three years, but I knew when she was upset.

  “Lei, talk to me.”

  She tried to pull out of my grasp, but I held her tight. “I told you I’m fine. What part of fine do you not understand, Drake?”

  “I think it’s the ‘f’?” I answered flippantly and her gaze narrowed.

  “Let go of me or you’re going to need to remove your nuts from your digestive tract…” she said coldly.

  “Don’t do that, Lei…” I said softly, looking into those damned beautiful hazel eyes.

  “Don’t do what?”

  I pulled her closer and put my arms around her, resting my cheek on her head.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, standing stiff against me.

  “You don’t have to talk to me, but you’re not pushing me away again.”

  “Wanting some time to myself, away from you arseholes, is hardly pushing you away.”

  “He’s fine,” I said slowly, knowing broaching the topic was just going to make her more volatile, but I had to reassure her.

  This wasn’t like Tuesday when he’d gone out without saying anything, when he could have been anywhere and we could shrug it off. Turns out he’d been up to no good, but I hadn’t told Lani that. This was an obvious return to old habits and something no one really wanted to think about.

  She pushed me away with more strength than I’d known she had and glared at me.

  “Good, so everyone’s fine and you can get out of my space. I don’t need your wandering hands on me, Drake. If you don’t mind, I have to finish this piece by tomorrow.”

  “Lani…” I said, taking a step forward and noticing she stepped back. “He’s eighteen and an idiot, but there’s nothing to worry about. I’m keeping an eye on him.”

  She took a deep breath. Five years ago, I’d have said that she was holding back tears. Now, I suspected that breath was the only thing saving me from being ripped a new one. More literally than I would have liked to admit…

  “You call letting him get drunk at school keeping an eye on him?” she asked evenly, far too slowly. Panic gripped me at the calm in front of me.

  “I drank as much of it as I could, Lei.” I shrugged; I mean, what else was I supposed to have done? Let him drink the whole thing?

  She grunted in frustration. “That’s not what I want to hear, Casper. It’s bad enough you’ve dragged him into your seedy underbelly world of one night stands and disrespecting women. But, this is a whole other step altogether!”

  To be fair, I didn’t drag anyone anywhere. Although, I admittedly may not have been leading the charge out when Brett seemed to lose the need to lose himself. So, yeah, I was the ring-leader now. But, if I didn’t lead by poor example, what the hell kind of shit would he be getting up to by himself?

  Of course, none of that I could say to Lani.

  What was I going to do? Tell her that this was the best way to manage him?

  I’d tried over the years and I could tell she didn’t believe me. But, it was the truth.

  Truth was, watching me do stupid shit over the years and seeing the consequences was the only thing keeping Brett from doing them first and with worse consequences. If I didn’t go to that party, have those drinks, fuck that– let’s be honest, those girls, fight those wankers, jump off that roof, then it would just be Brett doing it. At least this way I had some kind of control! And, he looked to me now to get things started…

  Or, he had…until he’d brought a flask of whiskey to school.

  “He’s fine. We’re all fine. No harm, no foul.” I held up my hands, but she was obviously not appeased.

  “He’s not…” She stopped and our eyes met.

  I think it was the single most honest thing we’d said to each other in years.

  We’d both pretended after Jonny’s death that everything had been okay. Dad had got his cancer diagnosis and Brett’s issues were always talked about in cryptic ways, neither of us really saying anything definitive, just offering comfort and support.

  Lani had been the only one to get me through that time, if I was being honest. I leant on her far more than I should have and I took her completely for granted. Fuck, we all took her completely for granted after Jonny died. She offered us nothing but love and support, and we all took it. We took it assuming she had a wealth of it to give and needed none in return. We took it feeling too weak to have anything good enough to give her in return.

  But, the young woman standing in front of me was proof she’d used up everything she had and she needed something in return. At this point, I’d risk her kicking my nuts – and totally expecting she was going to – to show her she wasn’t alone. It was no doubt too little too late, but that had to be better than nothing?

  I reached for her, ignoring her protests and hugged her again; dancing just wasn’t going to cut it this time. I needed her to be comforted, not just hold off her yelling at me some more.

  “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “Just shut up for once in your damned life and take the fucking hug,” I answered, shortly.

  For the first time in three years, she relaxed ever so slightly against me and hugged me back. I felt like maybe things weren’t quite as fucked between us as they seemed.

  “He’ll be okay, Lei,” I whispered and she gave me a squeeze. “I’ll take care of him.”

  I knew she wouldn’t voice it allowed, but I felt her nod against me.

  “I’ll take care of you…”

  She tensed again, and drew away from me slowly. But, her hand still rested on my chest. She patted me twice and I noticed she was going to great lengths to avoid looking me in the eyes. In a very un-Leilani move, she cleared her throat awkwardly and nodded.

  “Yeah… He’ll be fine…”

  That and the lack of screaming was as much of an acknowledgement or a thank you for my statement as I was going to get. She gave me a wry smile.

  “Now, go be an arse somewhere else,” she said, kicking her head towards the door.

  I grinned. “I can be an arse anywhere else whenever I want. How often do I get to be an arse with you?”

  I saw her trying to hide a smile. “Far too often.”

  “So, you’re not going to yell at me?”

  She gave me a cheeky half-smile. “Not right now, no. Keep it up and I might.”

  I knew when to challenge her and when to let her win; now was one of the times I walked away and hoped I’d get a couple of brownie points to stack against the next time I fucked up.

  Chapter Four

  Lani

  As the weekend passed and we headed into the next week, I worried less about Brett.

  Casper was right; they were eighteen year old idiots who had an insane urge to constantly show off to their friends and admirers and keep themselves at the top of the food chain. Just because Brett had decided to be a wanker and drink at school wasn’t a sign of anything more than him being a dick.

  So by Wednesday, the lingering worry hung at the back of my head, but I’d pushed it aside and decided to just enjoy School Dance with Luke.

  We were practising a class piece while our teacher, Miss Lyons, watched on and beat out the count wit
h her hands. Luke and I were paused for a moment, my back to his front and his arms around my stomach, while we waited for our count.

  “You ready?” he whispered in my ear and I shook my head, trying not to freak out that he was so close.

  “No!”

  I felt his chuckle vibrate through my back. “We’ll get it this time, I’m sure.”

  I rolled my eyes but bent my knees in preparation. Luke flipped me up and over his shoulder and I somehow managed to land on my feet. I was a little unsteady, but it was the first time I hadn’t fallen.

  Luke turned, a huge grin spreading across his face. The two of us got picked for these sorts of things all the time because he was the best male dancer and I was the smallest girl in the class who didn’t mind being thrown around. We both threw our arms in the air with cries of glee and I heard Miss Lyons sigh.

  “While I’m glad we’ve stuck it, let’s keep going next time,” she said with a smile and stopped the music. She clapped her hands twice. “All right, everyone, from the top.”

  After that, we stuck more landings than we lost, and the rest of the lesson went smoothly.

  “That was amazing!” Luke was laughing as we pushed our way out of the main studio. “I never thought we’d get it!”

  I smiled. “We always get it, Luke! Sometimes it just takes longer.”

  He chuckled and nodded, putting an arm around my shoulder for a second. “That we do. We make a pretty great team.”

  “Well, we move well together. Let’s not get too excited,” I answered, willing away the heat in my cheeks.

  “We do. We move well together, it’s undeniable. Maybe we should do the Latin Dance assignment together?” he said and there was a cleared throat ahead of us.

  “Luke.” Hannah had her arms crossed and was obviously looking for some sort of explanation. Although, for what, I didn’t know.

  “Hey, babe!’ Luke grinned, absolutely unfazed by the extreme displeasure on his girlfriend’s face. “You should have seen it! Lani and I–”

  “That’s great, babe,” Hannah cut in with a sugary sweet tone. “But, we’re going to be late.”

  I rolled my eyes, not really knowing how you could be late to sit at your table at lunch, and stepped away from Luke. I might have had a crush on him, but I wasn’t stupid enough to hit on him so that he or his girlfriend would notice.

  “I’ll see you in English, Luke,” I said with a nod.

  “Yeah, see ya, Lani,” he called cheerfully, then put his arm around Hannah and they walked off. But, not without a glare from Hannah over her shoulder.

  “What’s up her butt now?” Bec asked, appearing beside me and brandishing her water bottle like a sword.

  “Luke for all I know.”

  Bec snorted and spat water down her front. “Jesus, warn a girl next time.”

  I shrugged.

  I’d never known what was up Hannah’s butt. We used to be close; her, Emma, Bec, a few others and me. But, since Jonny, I’d found it just too much energy to try to keep up with epic teenage girl bullshit – the make-up, the clothes, the boys; it was all too much and so trivial. Bec had been the only one to understand and the only one to follow when I pulled away. We’d both sort of become the school’s wayward freaks, the weird girls who no one really hated, but no one really liked and who just didn’t really fit in. Not that we went to great lengths to try.

  I was fine with that plan, to be honest. It meant I didn’t have to pretend to be something I wasn’t, pretend to like things I didn’t, or people I didn’t.

  Sometimes, I worried that Bec wasn’t happy with her life and where I’d inadvertently led her. But, then I’d see her grimace at something Hannah – or her other year level equivalents – would do and I’d be reassured that my best friend liked our place in life.

  Actually, I think Bec would have been happy as long as wherever our place was didn’t interfere with her hook up capability. In many respects, Bec was the female equivalent of Casper – hence why I say I’m surprised they never hooked up. But, she at least had some respect for the guys she left behind. Well…she had the same amount of respect for them as they did for her.

  “You getting changed?” Bec broke into my reverie and I blinked.

  “Uh, yeah. Good idea.”

  We veered into the locker rooms and wandered through the loud, meaningless blather of girls getting changed or just hanging out. Rain beat steadily on the tin roof above us, which explained why there were so many bodies we had to pick our way through to get to my sports’ locker.

  Not that I did sport, but every girl who had to change at some point during the week got a locker in the locker room as well as one for books in the corridors. Overkill much? Probably. But, useful.

  “Well, look who we have here,” Bec said with a smile and I looked up to see Emma jump.

  “Oh, hey.” She gave us a warm smile.

  “Got sport this afternoon?”

  She nodded. “Yeah.”

  “Training tonight?”

  She nodded again. “How was dance? Latin getting any better?”

  I snorted as I started getting changed. “Thankfully, no Latin today. We worked on our group piece for the showcase. But, we stuck that move.”

  Emma’s face brightened. “Oh, hey, nice!”

  “Nice is having Luke Holt’s hands all over her,” Bec commented and the three of us grinned.

  “Well, if someone has to touch me, it may as well be him.”

  It hadn’t escaped my notice that I didn’t do physical contact well anymore, but there wasn’t a lot I could do about it.

  When I was younger, I was hugging everyone, holding people’s hands, hell I’d even share drinks and risk Brett- or Casper-cooties. But, I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t know exactly when it had started or how it had happened, only that it did.

  I could suffer human contact during dance for longer than any other time. But, Latin was still proving difficult. It was close and it was intimate and there was a damn lot of touching. Needless to say, I had relaxing issues and that led to Latin being one of the styles I was God awful at.

  “I could hug you again,” Bec offered and I laughed.

  “Thanks, I think I’m good for now. Em, how you getting home?”

  “Uh,” she looked up as she tied her shoelace, “I was going to get the bus.”

  “You sure?” I asked. “I can come back and get you? Or, wait around?”

  She shook her head. “Thanks, I was going to do some study in the library.”

  “Yeah, okay, no worries. Let me know if you change your mind.”

  She nodded. “Will do.”

  “You going to come with…?” I asked, knowing what the answer would be, but feeling like I should ask anyway.

  Again, she shook her head. “No, I have to study for my physics test.”

  I wondered if people saw as much change in me as they did in her.

  I’d be stupid to think I hadn’t been affected by Jonny’s death. But, I didn’t hide like Emma did. I was still snarky and sarcastic and I lived, I just couldn’t handle human contact and the less emotional connection I made the better. Sure, sometimes it felt like I was just waiting for the storm to pass and life to be good again, but I still lived.

  I hid the sudden paranoia behind a smile. “Sweet. Well, good luck for it. I’ll see you at home, then yeah?”

  “Yep, no worries. Bye. Bye, Bec,” Emma said with a wave as she picked up her stuff and hurried out.

  “Bye, Em,” Bec called after her, then half-turned to me. “She’s doing okay, right?”

  I shrugged as I pulled on my tights. “Dunno. I hope so. She’s not destructive like Brett, she’s just quiet.”

  Bec still looked after the way Emma had left. “Girl must be lonely.”

  I sighed. “Yeah, shit all went down at once, babes. Stronger people than us wouldn’t have been expected to make it through half as well.”

  “I don�
�t think you’re giving yourself enough credit,” Bec said softly.

  “How’s that marshmallowy soft centre going for you, Bex?” I asked and gave her a wry smile when she turned to me.

  She shook her head incredulously. “Admitting you have feelings is not a sign of weakness, Lei,” she said, about as close to chastising and emotional as we got these days. “It just goes to show you’re human.”

  I grinned. “Oh, I’m no mere human.”

  Bec looked at me for a moment like she was truly worried about me, then she broke into a wide smile. “No, I don’t suppose you are. Come on, Supergirl, I’m starved.”

  “Thirsty, more like,” I scoffed and picked up my gear.

  Bec snorted. “Hella thirsty. Party on Friday should sort that out, though!”

  “Do I dare ask who’s on the menu?”

  “If the stars align, Marc,” she sighed happily and I was plenty glad to be left out of that fantasy.

  “Well, he’s certainly been undressing you across the courtyard of late,” I chuckled.

  “Oh, but that means you need to hang with Coop!” she added quickly, like I might not notice.

  I sighed.

  It’s not that there was anything wrong with Cooper; we’d had our fun, but it was straying worrisomely into habit territory, and I wasn’t a habit kind of girl. Habits bred expectations, and expectations bred complication, and neither Coop nor I were relationship people, as much as I told myself it might be nice to be.

  “Come on, be my wing woman! Please, I’ll make it up to you!”

  I nodded. “Fine. For you, I will keep Coop occupied. But, let it be known, I’m not happy Jan.”

  “All complaints have been lodged and will be seen to when hell freezes over,” Bec replied authoritatively.

  I laughed. “Oh, good.”

  e

  Bec made a seriously lewd facial expression and I had to look away or I’d burst with laughter. Lucky for me, my eyes landed on Casper as he was up against some locker with yet another girl, in the middle of a none too chaste mack session.

  “Ugh, Drake, another one? What, you gotta catch ‘em all?” I taunted. Not that he’d been into the latest craze; Casper Drake wasn’t into exercise for the sake of exercise.