At one point towards the end of lunch, we stopped and we were staring into each other’s eyes when he cupped my cheek and kissed me – full and proper. It took me a few moments to realise I was kissing him back before I pushed him away and stared at him in shock.
“What was that?” I asked.
He gave me his usual charming smile and a charming shrug to boot. “A kiss.”
“I know it was a kiss! Why was it a kiss?” I suddenly looked around, expecting Hannah to be standing behind us like the big bad in some horror movie about to cleave me in two with a machete or something; I could almost hear the chainsaw revving.
Luke chuckled like it was nothing. “You really think I don’t see the way you act around me? I can tell you like me, and the feeling’s mutual. Usually,” he shrugged nonchalantly again, “that results in kissing.”
I blinked, furiously trying to work it out and not really sure why I wasn’t getting there. Maybe he’d broken up with Hannah after all? Brett had been a little preoccupied lately and my love life had been slightly less interfered in… Not that it had been any more successful than usual…
Focus, Lani!
“But…Hannah…?” I stammered.
Luke gave me that grin again and suddenly it was nowhere near as charming or attractive as I remembered it being. “Hannah doesn’t need to know, does she?”
I had to say I was shocked. I’d thought Luke was one of the good ones. I’d thought Luke was a safe bet. Then again, I’d thought I hadn’t been completely obvious as well. And, now he’d gone and kissed me while he was dating Hannah, who was going to murder me for touching her boyfriend when it wasn’t even my fault.
I never would have touched him in a million years when he wasn’t single. My moral compass wasn’t terrific, but it was slightly closer to North than Brett’s or Casper’s. And, apparently Luke’s…
“Wow,” I breathed, looking him up and down like I’d never seen him before. I actually couldn’t see what I liked about him anymore. Bec had probably been right; I’d liked that he was unavailable. “Really, though?” I asked.
Luke now looked confused. “I didn’t think you’d want her to know.”
“What did you think, Luke?”
“We could have a bit of fun. Hannah doesn’t need to know. You know? See what happens.”
“Just what kind of girl do you think I am?” I asked, starting to feel mighty offended.
He shrugged and started to look like he was regretting his life choices. “I don’t know. I’ve seen you with Coop and Trent, lately with Drake. I just assumed… You know?”
“No, Luke. I obviously don’t know…” My voice was impressively low and steady, even though my heart was beating out a tap to rival any of Casper’s.
Was it my imagination or did he pale for a second before pulling himself together and chuckling knowingly, like we were in on some joke. “You know. You and Bec, you sleep around. You’re easy, no strings, no expectations. Just a bit of fun…”
I didn’t know whether to be insulted, amused, angry, or go and take a good long look at myself after that revelation.
“You think what now?” I asked.
“Look, Lani. I’m sorry. I was obviously wrong–”
“No. I was wrong, Luke.” I cut him off. “I was wrong to think you were a decent guy under all that. Turns out, I liked you a lot more when you were unavailable. In fact, that’s the only thing I liked about you. And, no girl – no matter how much she knows it’s true – likes hearing you lot think she’s easy. I mean, dude. Come on! That is a sure fire way to not get laid.” I shook my head and moved to pick up my bag.
“Lani…”
I looked back to him. “What?”
He scrubbed his hand through the hair at the back of his head. “You’re…uh…not going to tell Hannah about this, are you?”
I mentally rolled my eyes and sighed. “No. I’m quite partial to my skin, so I’m not going to tell Hannah anything.”
“Lani?”
I sighed again. “What, Luke?”
“We still on for the Latin assignment?”
I gave him a ‘really?’ look, but nodded; he’d be far better than anyone else. “Sure. But, let’s skip the whole flirting thing, shall we?”
He nodded and I couldn’t tell if he was sorry or pleased. “Sure. And, again, I’m sorry.”
“Sorry you got caught out maybe,” I muttered to myself as I pushed out of the studio.
“Lani!” I heard an ecstatic voice cry and Coop was at my side, an arm casually draped around my shoulder.
“Heya, Coop. What’s up?”
“Well,” he started with an easy smile, “I wondered if you might be free on the weekend?”
“That depends. What did you have in mind?” I asked, a bit shorter than usual after my run-in with Luke.
“Well, I thought we could hook up for a bit sometime, if you’re available?”
There was that word again. Available.
I thought it had been safe to crush on Luke because he was unavailable.
I thought messing around with Coop was safe because he was unavailable.
But, Luke hadn’t seemed to think much of the whole monogamy thing.
And, here Coop was, starting to worry me that he thought too much of it.
I shrugged. “Dunno, man. We’ll see how my week goes.”
“Sweet, no rush. Just a thought.”
We stopped when we got to the end of the corridor and he kissed my cheek. Then, he was pushed away from me and crashed into the lockers behind him with a seriously angry Brett in his face.
“What’s up, Coop?” Brett asked, his voice falsely cheerful.
“Oh. Hey, man. Just talking to your sister.” I didn’t know if Coop had balls of steel or was oblivious to the murderous brotherly rage emanating from Brett.
I looked over and saw Casper frowning. For a moment, I thought he was annoyed at Brett, then I realised he was on Brett’s side.
Of course he was.
Casper’s eyes were narrowed on Coop and his shoulders were tight, like he was full of barely-contained fury. That was a new one. Usually, Casper was quite happy to goad, to just intimidate with his mere confidant presence. His version of keeping guys away from me was to lurk and be his annoyingly charming, relaxed, cocky self. This was a different look altogether.
“Looks less like talking, and more like you’re putting your stoner hands on her,” Brett said slowly, like there was a hidden meaning in it that Coop was supposed to understand.
I understood. But, I didn’t think Coop would.
“Brett, come on. Leave him be,” I said, tugging on Brett’s arm.
“Nah, Lei. Don’t think I will. Coop here needs to learn you’re not available.”
I was so sick of that word. And, I exploded a little.
“Brett! Piss off, okay? What I do in my own time is none of your damned business,” I hissed, aware we were attracting a crowd.
“On the contrary, little sister. It’s entirely my business if some arsehole tries to put his hands on you, or worse,” Brett snarled, still staring at Coop.
My gaze flickered to Casper, but he was glaring just as hard at Coop as Brett.
“Right, look. That’s lovely, okay. I love that you care, but this is so not the time or place.” I grabbed Brett’s arm and yanked him to face me. He winced. I didn’t want to know what lay under his sleeve so I ignored it. “We’re all done with this shit, okay?” I snapped. “Stay out of my life and I’ll stay out of yours.”
A dozen emotions flickered across Brett’s face too fast for me to quite catch them all – vulnerability, sadness, annoyance, anger, fear – until he smirked at me.
“Sure. Whatever you want, Lani,” he answered sarcastically. Then, he leant towards me and said quietly. “I’m sure you can protect your virginity all on your own.”
Like it was his job! Or some bloody treasure! Why did other people think they had t
he right to dictate what your virginity meant to you?
I bristled, completely annoyed at the way my day had gone and losing any shred of composure I’d spent years building. I got Brett was in a bad place. But, that gave him no right to go all ape-shit on someone for talking to me, damn it!
“You can’t protect something I don’t have,” I replied coolly, watching his face for his reaction.
It took a few moments for him to understand my meaning, but I saw the exact moment the lightbulb went on. Milliseconds later, his face shut down and he looked so far past pissed I actually regretted opening my mouth.
He took one look at me, turned to Coop, smashed his fist into his face, and stormed off, pausing at Casper. I saw Casper trying to work out what our last exchange had been about. The look on his face told me he’d run through numerous possibilities as Brett seemed to be talking to him quickly.
I frowned at Casper and turned to Coop, who at least wasn’t bleeding heavily.
“Coop, man. I’m so sorry,” I started, but he shook his head.
“I knew what I was risking, Lei. And, it was totally worth it.” He grinned. “I’d best go get cleaned up, though.”
I nodded and he shuffled off. I watched him go – ignoring the heated beacon that was Casper Drake behind me – then made my way to the girls’ change rooms.
Wrenching my locker open, I fumed in annoyance.
Only when a well-recognisable hand slammed into the locker next to mine, making me jump, did I realise that the change room had fallen eerily silent behind me.
“You want to give us some privacy, ladies?” His tone brooked no argument and I had the feeling he was staring at me fiercely enough to ignite me.
There was a rustle as whoever was left in the room picked up their things and hurried out. My face heated in embarrassment as much as anger and I pretended he wasn’t there while I started pulling off my dance clothes, jumper first.
“You’re going to want to tell me if Coop was your first, Leilani,” he said slowly, as though his teeth were gritted.
“I don’t have to tell you anything, Drake,” I spat. I then continued more flippantly, “Is it really a good idea for you to be in the girls’ change room again? You’ve been done for it at least once this year already.”
He leant towards me, moving his hand closer to my locker. I could feel him standing behind me, just barely not touching me. My entire body came alive; goose bumps spread across my skin, my stomach fluttered and my heart tripped over itself. I took a deep breath and told myself his proximity didn’t affect me. It wasn’t excitement or anticipation; it was anger and embarrassment.
“Give me the answer to my question and I’ll leave.”
“I’m not telling you anything. You’re going to find some excuse to hit Coop no matter what I tell you, so there’s little point in wasting anymore of our time.”
His hand smashed into the locker and he pulled me to face him. I had never seen such thunder on Casper Drake’s face. He was almost shaking from whatever it was he was feeling; anger, stress, who knew. He looked tense and the hand on my arm was anything but relaxed even if it wasn’t painful. He didn’t even seem to notice I was standing in front of him in only in my bra and leggings. But, I noticed. My whole body noticed.
“You tell me if he was the one or not, Leilani, or so help me–”
“What, Cas? What exactly are you going to do?”
“Angel…” His tone was more warning than anything else. There was even a muscle that twitched in his jaw.
I sighed and ripped my arm from his hand. “No!” I yelled. “No, he wasn’t the first. Okay? Now get out, Casper.” I pointed at the door, but he took a step towards me, his eyes narrowing.
“Who was it?” he asked.
“It so doesn’t matter,” I replied, my heart trembling.
“Oh, it does, Angel. Who was it?”
“You and Brett don’t know everything that happens at this school, and you don’t need to,” I stammered, trying to hold it together.
“Yes, how is it Brett and I didn’t know you were fucking half the guys in school, Angel?”
I slapped him, his face whipping to the side, but he just slowly brought his eyes back to bore down into mine like I hadn’t touched him and waited for an answer.
“You take that back, you piece of shit! There were only two of them and it’s not like I make a habit of it–”
“Three, now.”
I glared at him. “You’re one to talk, Drake. You, who can go through three in one night! You’re a fucking hypocrite and you should be disgusted with yourself. I know I am! Disgusted and disappointed in you.”
“At least I’m open to love, Angel. What’s Coop going to give you? Huh? Nothing! Which is why you picked him. You’re not better than me. If anything, you’re worse. I may think I’m incapable of love. But, at least I don’t hide from the possibility. I don’t promise a future, but neither do I promise the absolute lack of one like you. The girls I hook up with know they’re not the only ones, but I don’t hold them at arm’s length and act like a fucking robot–”
“Well, aren’t you just a paragon of human decency?” I asked, sarcasm heavy. “And, who are you trying to convince with that speech on your finer qualities? Because I certainly didn’t believe it.”
“Those girls–”
“Are left in your wake with a broken heart wondering why they weren’t good enough for the great Casper Drake,” I finished for him. “And don’t you dare try to suggest otherwise. You and Brett have two missions in life as far as this school is concerned: to sleep with every girl here, and keep me virginal. Well, you’ve failed on the second and you’ll fail on the first. Girls are wising up to you. You’re taking on too many at a time and keeping them on too long. Eventually, you’ll be left with all your tricks and no one to fall for them.”
He took another step towards me. “Tell me who it was and why I didn’t know.”
“Yeah,” I scoffed, “because the guys at this school are going to advertise they’d slept with me. You saw Brett with Coop, and that was just for kissing my cheek. You think anyone’s going to step forward and make it known they popped my cherry?”
“Who the fuck was it, Angel?” he growled.
“None of your damned business!”
“It is my business. We’re family.”
I scoffed again. “Yeah, we’re so familial. We’ve gone all Game of Thrones on the whole family dynamic.”
He twitched like he wanted to hit something. “Dammit, Lei. Tell me now. You deserved a whole lot better than any of these–”
“Sorry? I deserved better than what? As far as you knew, it was you, Cas. You saying I deserved you?”
He twitched again. “No. You deserved better than me.”
I huffed a laughed. “Well, you can be sure he was better than you.”
He blinked. I hadn’t meant it the way it had come out, but I wasn’t arguing against the implication either. Served him right for being a total wanker.
“I’ll show you better, Angel.” He took another step forward and my back hit the lockers behind me, cold on my exposed back. The bell went off above our heads and he grunted in frustration. “Tell me.” Something shifted subtly in his eyes, almost beseeching, desperate, and my heart lurched.
“Promise you won’t touch him, and I’ll tell you…” I pleaded.
He gave one nod.
“Nick,” I whispered.
His face shut down. Stone mask. Like there was nothing inside him anymore.
“Nick?” he asked slowly as though he didn’t understand, like he was choking on the word.
I nodded.
“Nick? One of my best mates touched you?”
I wondered if that was what it was like to know a volcano was about to erupt. Feeling the electrical static in the air, the change in air pressure, the knowledge that the thing in front of you had the power to burn the world, and that it was going to bur
n the world.
Because, as empty as he looked, I knew Casper Drake; he wasn’t empty, he was livid. I’d thought this one time I’d be wrong. Telling him had seemed easier than not. But, it was already one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
“Cas, you promised you wouldn’t touch him…”
Those green eyes were dead. “Oh, I won’t.”
I believed him. But, I knew he wanted to. Nick had been a part of our lives since primary school. Despite that, Casper wanted to hurt him the same way any of those boys wanted to hurt anyone who’d touch me. I also knew that Casper would take the first shot Nick gave him no matter how cheap a shot it was.
“Cas…”
The second bell went off. Casper looked at me for a second like he saw me, like he really saw me. The pain I saw there stabbed into my chest and made me take a step forward. But, it was gone as quickly as it had come and I had no idea why it had been there in the first place.
“I’ll meet you at the car, Leilani,” he said, emotionless, before turning on his heel and striding out of the room.
I could see how rigid he was; nothing like the elegant, fluid dancer he naturally was.
I didn’t know whose betrayal hit him hardest, mine or Nick’s. Or, maybe it was just one more thing to add to the pile that began with Jonny’s death and overflowed with Brett’s issues. Maybe it was just one more thing to beat us down and screw us up.
Because, who was I kidding?
He might not have delivered his verdict in the best way, but Casper hadn’t been wrong; I didn’t want to love, I didn’t want to risk falling for someone and getting my heart stomped on again. Jonny had done it once and that had been plenty.
I quickly finished getting changed, grabbed my books and headed for class.
But, it’s not like Casper was a damned saint either. At least I didn’t leave heartbroken teenage girls in my wake. I didn’t drown my sorrows in sex…except for those two times….
God, those two times…
the Trouble with Hate is... Page 19
