Our parents had picked up on our hostility as well. But, they did nothing more than look at us askance; to them, we were just going through a phase and would get over it eventually.
Emma and Bec – thinking they knew the root cause – were unbearable; Emma told me it was all my fault, that I may as well pull my finger out and accept I was in love with her, or let everyone move the hell on; Bec just smirked at me and I knew she thought I deserved it.
No, actually, she did speak to me once. She found me in the hallway at Lunch on Friday and sidled up to me a lot closer than I would have thought she’d think was sanitary.
“Well, at least now she’s not going to be making any excuses for you,” she said with a falsely pleasant smile on her face.
“Pardon?” I asked, rearranging books.
“There’s no way she can explain away this level of selfishness.”
“You make it sound like Lani had nothing to do with it, Rebecca,” I huffed.
Bec nodded. “Oh, I know she did. Given a chance to climb all this? No one – right mind or not – would pass it up. You should never have given her the chance.”
And, she walked away, leaving me speechless.
I mean, honestly, faced with that kind of blatant one-sided judgment, wasn’t I a little justified in the raising of my own hackles?
Which isn’t to say that going out with Brett was the right way of dealing with that. Especially where we ended up. But, hindsight’s a bitch.
e
I wasn’t sure if I was more angry or scared as I watched him connected to tubes, pasty white. The hospital was certainly not how I’d expected to be spending my Friday night (early Saturday?), but there we were. I ran my hand through my hair and jumped as the doctor came into the room.
“Mr Drake, he’s stable now. But, he’ll need a couple of days to recover. I would suggest keeping him over night…” he petered off as though I was supposed to make a decision.
“Uh, I don’t know,” I replied. “I guess so. I’ve called his parents so…they’re on their way. They’re better equipped to make those decisions…”
The doctor nodded. “All right. I’ll wait until they arrive. Do you know how far off they are?”
I looked at my watch. “Um, probably only a few minutes?”
He nodded again. “All right. Thank you, Mr Drake.”
I nodded absently as he walked out and I fell against the window, not able to take my eyes off my best mate as he lay there unconscious. Worry and anger warred inside me until I didn’t know what I felt except a tumult of emotions that made me nauseous. While I waited for the rest of the Grangers, I couldn’t work out if I wanted to sit, stand, move around. So, I did an awkward combination of the lot until I jumped again as Georgie rushed in, followed by John.
I looked for Lani, but she still hadn’t followed as Georgie ran to Brett’s side and John made straight for me. I expected chastising. But, he pulled me into a huge embrace.
“Thanks, Cas,” he said gruffly.
I nodded and gave him a thump on the back. “He’s okay. They said he’s okay. Something about staying? Overnight, or something. I don’t know. Where’s Lani?” I rambled.
“She stayed home. I don’t think she could see him.” John looked at his son and I saw the grief and concern flood his face and knew it wasn’t just for the child in the bed.
I nodded stiltedly. “Okay, shall I…? I mean, I can go home and be with her?”
Georgie looked to John like she was encouraging him to agree. They shared a moment and finally John nodded.
“We’d appreciate that, son.”
“No, it’s fine.” I didn’t need their thanks for that. I shook his hand and grabbed my jacket and keys. “Let me know if…”
John nodded again. “Will do, son.” I saw the unasked question in his eyes and shook my head. He sagged with relief and joined his wife at his son’s bedside while I hurried out.
I probably wasn’t the world’s best driver as I hurried home, skidding my car into the driveway and making straight for the Granger’s front door. I struggled with the lock in my haste. But, finally got it open and was hit with music blaring from Lani’s room.
Completely without thinking about it – running on autopilot – I slammed the front door and bolted up the stairs to her room. I pushed open the door and it took me a moment to find her; she was sitting against the wall, knees drawn to her chest and staring at nothing. I could tell just how badly she was doing by the fact she wasn’t even smoking, let alone the fact she’d obviously been crying.
The music was far too loud to say anything, so I closed her door and crouched down in front of her. It took a moment for her eyes to focus on me. And, when she finally did, I saw fury in them. She pushed me away and stood up quickly. I looked at her from my position on the floor wondering how in the fuck I was going to get through to her.
I scrambled off the floor and grabbed her hand as she headed for the balcony.
“Angel!” I pleaded over the music.
She whirled and shoved me again. “You call that taking care of him?” she screamed. “I trusted you, Drake!”
“I was taking care of him!” I screamed back, trying to see where the remote for her hi-fi system was. “What the hell is taking care of him if not taking him to the hospital?”
“Making sure he didn’t have to go in the first place!”
Giving up on the remote, I let go of her hand and manually turned the volume down so I didn’t have to scream quite so loudly.
“Angel, look, I’m not his keeper. I can only do so much–”
“You’re weak!” she said, shoving me. “You’re selfish! And you just ruin everything!”
I blinked, feeling her judgement like a lance to the heart. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“What do you think? You’re supposed to be part of this family, Casper, be there for Brett, for…” She stopped almost guiltily, then ploughed on. “You call this managing him? Maybe you need to rethink your management skills!” Her voice was pitchy.
“Angel! Come on! I’m an eighteen-year-old guy, not a fucking psychiatrist. What do I know about what Brett’s going through? I can only do my best and be there for him when he does something stupid. And, I was. So, I did my job and you can fucking judge me all you fucking want. At least I’m trying, Angel! At least I’m available!”
We were in each other’s faces, both emotional beyond reason, both breathing hard. My heart pounded and I wanted to yell at her, wanted to shake some fucking sense into her. But, just looking at that familiar face, those beautiful eyes, eased my pain. I could pretend, for one heartbeat, that my best friend wasn’t falling apart and unknowingly taking the rest of us with him. I could pretend my world wasn’t just storm clouds and waiting.
“Available?” she scoffed. “I know what you think of as available, Drake–”
“This has nothing to do with sex, Angel,” I cut her off, fury seething under the surface. “This is about love. This is about family. You can judge me all you like for how I’m dealing with Brett. But, I’m doing my fucking best. I am trying to be here for you, too. But, I can only do so much when the people I love won’t let me help!” I yelled in frustration and whirled away from her, laying my hands on my head because I was afraid I’d punch something if I didn’t distract them.
God, why did nothing work out like it was supposed to? Jonny was supposed to almost be a psychologist, helping people make it through just the way he had. Brett and Emma were supposed to be madly in love and everyone eagerly anticipating their wedding, despite them being far too young for such things just yet. Lani and I were supposed to be best friends, paying out each other’s partner but ultimately befriending them because we weren’t screwed up and had picked the right people for ourselves. Lani was supposed to be warm and open, finding the annoying positives in everything, seeing the rainbow, every fucking silver lining.
Neither of us were supposed to be these b
roken shells of our former selves, not even knowing how to talk to each other anymore, not even being able to have a single fucking conversation.
I sighed heavily, then realised Lani hadn’t said anything for what seemed like far too long. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to turn around and see what damage I’d caused or not. As I took a breath to ready myself, she spoke.
“I’m sorry, Cas…”
I dropped my hands and turned to face her, an apology on my face and ready on my lips. But, I didn’t get to voice anything because she’d reached up and thrown her arms around my neck. My arms were around her by pure muscle memory reaction without me even having to think about it. My nose dropped to her hair and I breathed in that comforting scent that followed Leilani Granger everywhere.
Holding her, my heart began to slow, my breathing started to get more even. I held her close before my hands went to her waist. I pulled back to look at her, intending nothing more than to give her my apology, but the look in her eyes stopped me.
She slid her fingers in my hair and cupped my cheek as she stared into my eyes. Then, she was kissing me and I was far too weak not to kiss her back. Hands went everywhere. It was hot and heavy and we were both breathless within seconds as we spoke between kisses.
“Angel… What… Don’t…?”
“No, you’re right…”
“I mean…”
“We shouldn’t…”
“No…” It took some time, but I finally got some control over myself and pulled away enough to look at her. “Angel, if you don’t–”
“Just kiss me, Cas. Let me feel a little less shit for a little while…” she pleaded softly.
We looked at each other, both still breathing heavily, like we were frozen for a second. Then we both moved simultaneously. Her lips found mine again as her hands went to the bottom of my t-shirt and I lifted my arms to let her pull it off me. As her hands fell to my belt, my hands slid up her legs and under her nightie.
I picked her up and carried her to her bed. She wrapped her legs around my hips and pressed herself against me eagerly as we kissed. Something warm had replaced the fear in my heart, but I wasn’t going to stop and analyse it; I didn’t think I’d like the conclusion I’d come to.
I trailed my hand between her legs and I have to say, I loved the little indrawn breath she gave me and the way her eyes flew open to look into mine. There was that slightly larger swathe of green than brown, something I hadn’t seen in so many years; it had almost been like Jonny’s death had stolen all her green.
She bit her lip as she ground against my hand. I dropped my lips to her neck.
“Cas, I–”
“Shh,” I whispered, “just feel, Angel.”
I slid a finger into her and she sighed, her back arching into me. Her hands gripped my back and I honestly couldn’t remember anyone hotter than her in bed. She reacted to my slightest touch; and not just the making appreciative noises kind because she thought I’d like it. That’s not to say that girls had to fake their pleasure when they were with me. But, they seemed more inclined than not to make it sound like my body was pure magic. It did things to a guy’s ego, but I could tell the difference between their exaggeration and the moment it actually hit.
Lani was nothing like that. Just touching her was a turn on, feeling her skin under my lips, her legs around me, breathing in her scent; I didn’t have to be inside any part of her and I was happy, intoxicated, I wanted more. I wanted to please her. It was damned dangerous, and fucking sexy. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to get addicted.
Her breathing got shallower as she got close. Then she just let go, all abandon thrown to the wind. She came with my name on her lips and that annoying warmth spread in my chest along with the usual satisfaction.
We kissed lazily until her breathing started to slow again, then her hands trailed down my stomach and went back to undoing my buckle.
“Lei, we don’t have to…” I stopped, wondering how I was brave enough to look her in the eyes.
“We don’t have to, but I want to if you do…”
I’ll admit, she hadn’t been wrong before; I was totally weak. Her words were all I needed and I was helping her get the rest of our clothes off. She giggled as I fell off the bed in my rush to get my jeans off. I sat up and looked at her over the edge of the bed.
“Nothing deflates a cock more than laughing, Leilani,” I mock-chastised and she giggled again, her eyes dancing.
She leant towards me, putting a finger under my chin and drawing me back onto the bed. I scrabbled quickly to follow wherever the hell she was going to lead me. Still drawing me along, she lay back against the pillows with me between her legs.
“I’m sure I can do something about that…” she said slowly, her eyes so heated I thought I was going to catch on fire.
“I think you already have, love,” I replied with a wink.
She laughed as she kissed me, her arms going around my neck as she held me close.
There was nothing hurried about it that night. We were just two people coming together for comfort and support in the only way we seemed to know how. I mean, that and she was fucking sexy and I’d had enough trouble trying to keep my hands off her since the weekend before.
In what can only be described as a dick move, I didn’t manage to hold on long enough to get her off again before I came. I tried – I did – but a lot of what got Lani off felt just as good to me. And, I’d been super horny since the first time I’d kissed her.
I rolled off her. “Sorry…” I panted.
I felt her shake her head where it lay on my arm. “No, it’s fine.”
“No, I mean, I didn’t…”
She shook her head again. “You did before and it still felt good.”
I nodded. “Right. Okay.”
“Cas, worry less. Honestly, once is actually enough.”
“Okay…?”
She sat up.
“What’s up?”
She looked back at me as she found and pulled on her nightie. “Sperm has the unfortunate habit of coming back out again, Casper. I‘m going to the bathroom to deal with it.”
“Ah. Right…”
She gave me a small smirk and disappeared for a moment. I grabbed a tissue off her bedside table, cleaned myself up and threw my boxers back on. Now that it wasn’t quite so heat of the moment, I wasn’t sure if I felt bad about what had just happened or not.
I mean, I didn’t regret it happening. But, I didn’t want her thinking even worse of me or that I didn’t respect her…
“Cas…” she said and I looked up to see her hovering in the bathroom doorway.
I cleared my throat. “I know. I’m sorry. Last time. You know I respect you, Angel. Us… It doesn’t mean…”
She walked slowly back to the bed and sat down, running a hand through her hair. “We just can’t… It’s just going to complicate things and I don’t…”
I put a hand around her arm and kissed her neck. “Next time you beg me to kiss you, I’ll refrain.”
She huffed a laugh and batted me as she fell back onto the bed. “How good of you.”
“Is that you saying I should acquiesce to your every request?” I asked, eliciting the smile I was looking for.
“No. There will be no more requests, Casper. I’m the sensible one and I won’t let my body try to distract my brain with sex again.”
I put my arm out and pulled her to me. “It’s okay to worry about him.”
“I thought it didn’t help him?”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t. But, it’s understandable. He’s in the hospital, Angel.”
She tensed for a moment. But, then she snuggled into me, rather than away. “Did he…?”
I shook my head and kissed her hair. “No, love. I’m pretty sure it was an accident. Bad combination of some drug and the booze I think. They pumped his stomach and he’s recovering.”
She buried her face in my chest and breathed de
eply.
“He’ll be fine, love.”
“Will he?”
I just held her.
I didn’t know the answer to that question and I knew she didn’t either. And, I wasn’t going to promise anything I couldn’t guarantee. Brett was in a bad place; that much was obvious. But, no one knew how to help him.
Jonny had asked for help.
Brett was unapproachable and had slid further away at any mention of him having issues a couple of years ago, so no one was brave enough to try talking to him again.
All we could do was wait and try to get through as best we could.
Chapter Fourteen
Lani
The weekend had been harrowing. Just two days of constant worry and waiting for Brett to wake up. But, eventually, he had woken up and then he’d come home and we’d all pretended nothing had happened.
He was back to school on Wednesday and causing all sorts of mischief as per usual. But, I’d agreed to meet Luke in one of the dance studios to work on our Latin assessment that lunch, so I really didn’t have time for whatever bullshit crazy stunts my brother was pulling now.
I hurried through getting changed and rushing to the studio. Luke was already there, warming up, and he gave me a wide smile as I walked in.
“Hey, how are you?”
I smiled as I avoided looking directly at him like the chump I was around him. “Fine, thanks. You?”
“Yeah, good. We ready for this?”
I nodded and we set to work. I was used to Luke touching me when we danced. It wasn’t exactly a big deal, but dancing Latin with him was ever so slightly different and I noticed the few heated gazes between us I hadn’t noticed before. I noticed the way his hands moved across my body a little slower and for a little longer than necessary. I fully noticed the way my face heated and I just had to hope I wasn’t bright red to go along with it.
And, having him touch me was a hell of a lot easier than I’d expected it would be. I didn’t know if it had been Casper’s doing, or maybe it was just Luke. But, while I wasn’t the carefree girl I used to be, neither was I quite as panicked over physical intimacy as I’d been lately.
the Trouble with Hate is... Page 18
