the Trouble with Hate is...

by Elizabeth Stevens

Those two times had been better than whatever the hell Casper and I were now. Physical pleasure aside, it had been so good to be around Casper and feel good, to not be constantly fighting, to feel like we were on the same side when life went beyond our concerns for Brett; when it felt like we were on each other’s side again.

  A part of me yearned for that feeling again. I just wanted to stop the fighting, but I didn’t know how. I couldn’t even look at him anymore without a multitude of emotions threatening to engulf me. Casper Drake symbolised everything in my life; he was the good, the bad, the safe, the scary. But, everything was so mixed up now, every negative emotion deafening the positive ones, that all I could see anywhere I looked was more pain.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Casper

  Lani was pulling away. Kept on a tether so we didn’t float completely apart and I’d be close enough, just not too close, it was entirely a leash of my own making. Because I couldn’t let her go but I couldn’t get any closer either. If we weren’t sexual or hostile, it was only because we weren’t in the same room. I knew she worried about Brett – who was no less erratic.

  I felt like I was floating on a deserted island where once I’d been surrounded by people; Jonny had been swept out to sea, Emma may as well have been as real as Wilson, Brett was treading water but he was getting tired, and Lani was popping on and off the radar so much my head and my heart hurt.

  “You’re in a good mood,” Phoebe grabbed my arm as I pulled my locker open on Monday morning.

  “Am I?” I asked, giving her a charming smile.

  Of course I looked in a good mood; how the fuck else was Casper Drake supposed to look? The world didn’t want to know that cocky, charming Casper Drake had a dark side and that inside he was breaking apart. So, I held it together, I acted my part, I kept my mask firmly in place with a little extra joviality.

  “Did…uh…Saturday have anything to do with it?” she giggled as she held tighter.

  I slipped out of her grasp as gently as I could and pretended I had no idea she was talking about our hook up; there hadn’t been any sex, but we’d both got what we wanted out of the exchange. “Saturday?”

  She nodded. “Saturday. You know…”

  I hid a disbelieving smile. “Yeah, I do know. I was there…” But, this was getting far too clingy for my liking. Lani was right; I’d kept her on too long. “But, you know, Pheebs…” I shrugged and waited for her to get the hint.

  She blinked and I could see she wasn’t keeping up.

  I’d honestly thought she’d seen everything for exactly what it was. Lani had said weeks ago that the blinkers had come off. But, all I could see was a heavily blinkered girl in front of me. And, I saw the stupidity in that – in her and me – and I had to put a stop to it.

  “Look, Pheebs. It’s been fun…but…”

  “But, what?” she asked with a smile, twirling her hair around her finger.

  God, had she always been that dense and I’d just not seen it? I was trying to remember what I’d seen in her. I mean, she was hot, she was available, she was a decent hook up. But, so was Megan, Imogen, Jen, any of the others, even Hannah before she’d started dating Holt.

  “Right, Pheebs, if…”

  “Hi, Casper…” Autumn said as she passed and I made sure to give her a look that told her exactly what I was thinking.

  “Autumn…” I looked her up and down with a slow nod and a smirk. “How are you today?”

  I might not have the best morals when it came to girls, but I’d never quite so openly flirted with one while the other was standing next to me with expectations. If Lani saw me now, that’d be an argument in the making notwithstanding the fact we argued about everything now. But, Phoebe needed a reminder of what she’d signed up for, and what I hadn’t.

  And, yeah, I even went so far as to lean one arm on the locker beside me and cross my legs. Autumn turned as she walked away, a grin on that sweet face.

  “I’m fine, Casper. How are you?” She bit her lip.

  I nodded. “Better for seeing you, gorgeous.” And, to cap it off, I winked.

  She laughed and walked away with her friends. I swung my eyes back to Phoebe who was nodding quickly. The blinkers certainly looked like they were off…

  “I shouldn’t really be surprised…” she said slowly.

  “Pheebs–”

  “It’s fine, Casper.” She shook her head. “I mean… Megan’s been–” She stopped and looked at me quickly.

  “Megan’s been what, Pheebs?” I asked.

  She looked behind her uncomfortably. “Nothing. It’s stupid. She’s new, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

  I cupped Phoebe’s chin and gave her a look I knew she couldn’t resist. She was like damned putty in my hands. “What’s Megan been saying?”

  Phoebe was staring into my eyes and she bit her lip. “She says you’re not everything people say you are,” she said finally.

  I frowned for a second, wondering what people said I was. “Right… How so?”

  “She says if you ever were everything everyone said then you’re losing your touch.”

  I blinked. “I’m what now?”

  She shrugged. “Megan says you’re good and all, but she expected better. Like you’ve gone soft. She said if she didn’t know any better, she’d say you fell in love and whoever she is won’t have you so you’re just going through the motions.” Phoebe scoffed. “But, we all know that’s not happening.”

  Oh, yeah? Then, why are you looking at me like you hope it’s you?

  But, I kept that to myself.

  “Look, Pheebs, I didn’t want to be that guy. But, you know I can’t be the guy you deserve…” I said slowly.

  She smiled almost sadly and nodded. “I know. And, I shouldn’t have let myself forget it. It’s just, you have this way of making a girl feel special, Casper. It’s easy to forget you’re not really that guy.”

  I frowned and cupped her cheek. “I’m sorry. You are special, Phoebe. But, I’m not the one who can prove it to you.”

  She waved her hand, then lay it over mine. “No harm, no foul, okay?” she asked, looking up into my eyes. “But, I think maybe we should stop doing…this…”

  I nodded slowly like I was considering it. “Whatever you want.”

  She smiled shyly. “Okay, then. Well, I’ll see you around, Casper.”

  I gently pulled my hand away and grinned. “I’ll see you around, Phoebe.”

  She waved as she walked away and I turned back to my locker with a self-satisfied smile. I was pulling books when I heard a chuckle next to me.

  “How do you do that?”

  “Do what, mate?” I asked, still unable to look at Nick after Lani’s confession the week before.

  “Make them break it off with you but walk away smiling?” Brett asked.

  I shrugged. “Dunno.”

  “Magic, obviously,” Nick laughed.

  “Unicorn farts and rainbows, Nicky-boy,” I answered, closing my locker a little harder than necessary.

  “Lani talked to you yet?” Brett asked as we headed for class.

  “Does screaming at me and throwing things count as talking?” I replied as we avoided a gaggle of girls in the corridor.

  Brett scoffed. “Come on, you two are practising your final piece almost every night. If the great Casper Drake can’t get anything out of her, who can?”

  Yeah, we practise my piece, but that doesn’t mean we talk.

  I wondered when people had started calling me ‘the great Casper Drake’. I mean it had a nice ring to it, I guess, but less so when it came out so sarcastically by everyone who said it.

  I shrugged. “Sorry, man, she’s told me nothing.”

  “But, it wasn’t Coop?” Brett pressed.

  I looked to Nick, first time in almost a week, and he caught my eye. He looked as calm as he ever did; going along with the guys, his easy smile on his face.

  “I
don’t think so.”

  “Who the fuck was it?”

  I raised my eyebrow at Nick slightly and watched his step and his smile falter by the smallest amount. I would have missed it had I not been waiting for it. Nick looked between me and Brett’s back quickly.

  “Dunno, mate,” I answered carefully. “But, whoever he is better consider himself lucky I don’t knock his fucking teeth out.”

  Nick nodded once almost imperceptibly and I knew he’d got the message; he’d fucked up and I knew he’d fucked up, but I wasn’t sharing that info. He was safe, for now. But, one wrong move, any excuse, and his arse was mine. And, he knew it.

  We just didn’t talk about it.

  At Dance, Natalie pulled me aside between run-throughs; we’d left behind working on our final pieces after those first couple of weeks and gone back to rehearsing for the showcase that was rapidly approaching.

  “Hey, sorry I’ve been so self-involved lately,” she panted, watching the rest of the class.

  I blinked; if anyone was the opposite of self-involved, it was Natalie. “What? I mean, no. That’s fine… I mean, you haven’t… Why would you…?” I stammered totally uncharacteristically awkwardly.

  She grinned. “I haven’t talked to you anymore about your piece in ages! How’s it going?”

  God, that felt like a loaded question. I scoffed. “Uh, the piece itself is going fine…”

  She grimaced guiltily. “Yeah, I noticed you and Lani seem a little more at loggerheads than usual… Everything okay?”

  I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t know, Nat. But, the piece is good, that’s solid.”

  Natalie gave me a sympathetic smile. “I’m less worried about the piece and more worried about you and Lani.”

  I smiled back. “Of course you’d say that, it’s not your piece.”

  Her smile turned rueful. “Well, of course.” We shared a laugh. “But, seriously. If you ever want to talk, I’m here.”

  I nodded. “Thanks, Nat.” I cleared my throat and changed the topic. “So, uh, you got much planned for the holidays?”

  “Not really. Last minute study. I’m convinced I’m going to fail Psych. Why? You want to get together and teach me this piece?”

  I nodded and stretched my arms. “Seems like the most sensible time. All three of us will be free. It’ll be way easier to teach it to you with Lani there.”

  “Yeah, sure. We’ll work out a schedule, yeah?”

  I grinned at her. “Yeah. Thanks, Nat.”

  “Anytime, Cas. You know that.”

  I nodded again as Miss Lyons called for the next run-through we were needed for. I threw myself into the rest of the class, pretending I wasn’t annoyed with Brett, Nick, Lani, myself, just fucking everything at that point. But, it all simmered away below the surface enough that I wasn’t looking where I was going when I left and ran right into Lani.

  “Cas!”

  “What?”

  “You wanna watch where you’re going?”

  “What? Do you own the hallway now?” I snapped.

  “What the hell is your problem?”

  One of my problems was I didn’t know what they all were. “Nothing.”

  “Seriously, I am done with the guys in my life flipping out on me,” she muttered as she tried to move past me, but I stopped her.

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  She glared at me, nothing but brown in those supposed to be hazel eyes. “Brett, Coop, you, Luke–”

  “What the fuck has Holt done now?” I snarled, then mentally chastised myself because she wasn’t going to tell me anything if I got more pissed off…

  “Nothing.”

  “Not nothing. What? Did he fucking touch you?”

  She looked around the hallway like she thought someone would overhear us. “What is your obsession with people touching me? Seriously, Casper, it’s weird.”

  “Weird that I want to protect you?”

  “Protect me? Or, you jealous?”

  I didn’t think she meant it any other way than to get a rise out of me. But, I’m ashamed to say, it totally worked. I baulked and didn’t rally quick enough that she totally noticed. I watched the corner of her lip quick and knew I had to back-peddle fast.

  “Why would I be jealous?” I scoffed. I looked her over. “I mean, you were good, love. But, not that good.”

  That annoying hint of a smirk didn’t go away. “Sure.”

  “What did he do?”

  “You going to hit him, too?”

  “Depends if he deserves it.”

  She sighed. “He kissed me, all right?”

  I shook myself. “He did what?”

  “We were working on our Latin piece and he kissed me.”

  “He still with Hannah?”

  She nodded.

  “He going to leave Hannah?”

  She shook her head. “He said he figured she didn’t have to know, that I was easy and we could have a bit of fun…”

  Blood rushed in my ears and I was about ready to fuck some shit up. I looked around, just hoping the fucker was in the hallway. And, my wish was granted as he turned into the corridor, with Hannah no less.

  “Call my girl easy, will he? We’ll fucking see about that…” I muttered, shoving my bag at Lani and heading towards him, rolling up my sleeves.

  People got out of my way damned fast, but my gaze was fixed on the blond tosser.

  “Holt!” I yelled.

  “Casper!” I heard Lani call, her voice holding notes of warning and worry.

  Holt looked at me, his greasy grin falling as he hurriedly stepped away from Hannah. The fucker knew what he’d done.

  “Drake, let’s talk about this…”

  “Nothing to talk about, arsehole. You insult her, you pay. You touch her, you pay. Those are the fucking rules!” I yelled as I threw my fist at him.

  Fucker was fast and my fist smashed into the locker behind him as he dodged me. I was so angry I didn’t even feel it.

  “Casper!” Lani yelled again as Hannah asked, “Touch her?”

  “Drake, it was a misunderstanding!” Holt cried, circling with me in the middle of the corridor as people crowded around us. “Nothing more. She’s fine with it.”

  “A misunderstanding?” I fumed. “You call kissing her then calling her a slut a misunderstanding?”

  “Sorry, what?” Hannah cried as Holt threw his hands up.

  We crashed together and I landed a solid blow on his stomach, but his elbow clipped my cheekbone. I saw nothing but red – in more ways than one – and was lost to everything except hitting Holt again and Lani yelling my name in increasing annoyance, until I felt multiple hands on my arms and I was being dragged away from Holt. I struggled to get loose, but they held me tight.

  I felt a sharp sting on my cheek and my head whipped sideways. When I looked back, Lani was frowning at me.

  “I think that will be the rest of the week, Casper,” Mr Hayes’ voice caught my attention. “Leilani, perhaps you’d be so good as to escort him home?”

  Lani’s face was pure fury. “Get the rest of your stuff and meet me at the car, arsehole.”

  I snatched my bag from her and did as I was told. But, I was driving home, dammit. So, I was sitting in the driver’s seat, tapping my fingers along to the music when she swung herself in.

  “Lei–”

  “I don’t want to hear it, Cas,” she snapped. “Just… Next time, wait ‘til I’ve finished talking before you go bashing someone’s head in, yeah?” she sighed, leaning her head in her hand.

  I slid a look at her as I pulled out of the school carpark. “What do you mean ‘next time’? You’re not going to rip me a new one for beating on your precious Luke?”

  She sighed again and looked out the window. “Not this time.”

  “Care to elaborate?”

  “Wanker deserved it.”

  “I thought you were goi
ng to marry him?” I teased.

  I saw the glare she gave me. “Bec was right. I liked him because he was unavailable. As soon as he was available – and didn’t feel the need to dump his girlfriend first – well… I can’t say I even remember what I liked about him.”

  “You know he’s cheated on all his girlfriends, right?”

  She looked at me sharply. “What?”

  I nodded, glad we weren’t fighting and that I could finally say something about Holt to her. “Why else do you think Brett and I hated that you liked him?”

  “Um, because he was a member of the male species in direct proximity to me?”

  I snorted. “We usually have at least one other reason, Angel.”

  She nodded thoughtfully. “Okay… Well, I guess we all know now.”

  “Guess we do.”

  We sat in silence for a while. Just as we pulled into our street, I had to ask her.

  “Hey, Lei?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You really not going to yell at me for beating on Holt at all?”

  She took a deep breath. “Not today, Cas.”

  “Why not?”

  She looked into my eyes for a moment. “Because, on some level, I’m not sure I can say that I don’t appreciate you doing that for me.”

  I grinned.

  “That doesn’t mean I condone it,” she said quickly. “I just might not hate you for it.”

  “I’ll take that, Lei. I’ll take that.”

  e

  “Casper!” I heard my name yelled and pulled my headphones off.

  I whirled around in my desk chair to see my dad barging into my room. I took in his body language and felt dread in the pit of my stomach.

  “What…?” I asked.

  “Have you seen Brett?”

  I shook my head. “Should I have?”

  Sure, I hadn’t been putting my suspension to the best of use; I slept in late, watched television, played games, overdid it on the seeing to my sexual needs thing, tried to get Brett to go to school, and avoided Lani.

  Dad sighed. “Well, no. He should have been at school all day then come home with the girls…”

  “But, he wasn’t?”

  Dad shrugged. “Wasn’t. Didn’t. No one knows when he was last seen and the girls couldn’t wait around forever. You and Lani need to get to dance.”