Starting From Scratch (Starting From Series Book 2)

by Lane Hayes

  I sat beside him and slid my laptop across the coffee table. “Do you have any questions, T?”

  “Yeah, I do. How does Sound Cloud already know about this?”

  “About what?”

  He let out a beleaguered sigh and pointed at a tab on the screen. “Nelson “Ed” Cormer sent you a link in Messenger to the article he just published. It’s all there. He doesn’t mention the label idea, but he says something about you managing our rival…Declan McNamara. How would he know, Char? Who’ve you been talking to?”

  The blood drained from my face so fast it was a good thing I was sitting, or I would have fainted for sure. All eyes were on me again, but the only one I was worried about was Ky. He looked shell-shocked, like he’d seen a ghost. My gift for getting myself out of tight squeezes and awkward situations failed me. I couldn’t find my voice. And it didn’t really matter.

  “Ky…”

  “What did you do?” He slung his guitar case over his shoulder and fixed me with a cold, unyielding glare and held his hand up when I opened my mouth to speak. “No. Don’t. So he’s Ed?”

  “Yes.”

  “When did you find out?”

  “Last month.” I swallowed around the desert in my mouth before rushing to explain. “I would’ve told you, but you said you didn’t want to know.”

  “Wait. Who’s Ed?” Justin asked. “What the fuck is going on?”

  Ky let out a humorless laugh. “No one. No one at all.”

  I stared after him in shock as he stormed out of the studio, slamming the door behind him. I was glued to my seat for a moment. No one seemed to know what to say. They probably figured I’d fucked up good and yes, they were right. But if I didn’t get moving, they’d ask questions I couldn’t answer. And I had to get to Ky.

  I stood on shaky legs and stumbled over the coffee table in my haste to go after him. Justin caught my elbow before I hit the floor. “Hey. I don’t know what’s going on, but—”

  “Let me go. I have to go,” I croaked, pulling out of his hold and racing for the exit.

  I ran down the long hallway leading to the entry, threw open the front door and ran down the path toward the street. I spotted Ky at his truck and called for him to stop. He crossed his arms and waited for me to join him.

  “Why did you call him?” He shook his head and huffed derisively. “I told you not to contact him and you did it anyway ’cause you’re Charlie and you do whatever the fuck you want. And then you blabbed details about shit you didn’t intend to tell anyone because you got flustered or upset and you can’t keep anything to yourself when you get backed into a corner. Am I right?”

  I bit the inside of my cheek so hard I tasted blood and nodded briskly. “Y-yes. I had to call your father. I had to—”

  “No, you didn’t fucking have to call him,” Ky yelled.

  “Someone had to. If you weren’t going to confront him, it had to be me. I had to know if he was a threat to Zero or—”

  “Zero,” he repeated, sounding suddenly deflated. “Right. The band. The band comes first. I told you about him. I told you why I didn’t trust him, why I needed to keep a distance, why I never wanted him to touch anything that belonged to me. You didn’t listen.”

  “No, that’s not true.” I wrapped my arms around my body to ward off the chill from the inside out. “I did listen. I told you I couldn’t let it go, and you said you didn’t want to know, so I didn’t tell you. The only way I could protect you was to know what he was doing and—”

  “I don’t need you to protect me, Charlie,” he growled. “I’m not your project. You can’t fix me or make me better. This is who I am. You can’t fight battles that happened decades ago. I don’t need you to defend me from my past. There’s no do-over. I can’t erase the bad stuff and even though it sucked, I wouldn’t erase it. Every blow was a lesson. It’s my armor. It’s not perfect, but I get by. And I get stronger every day. He has no power over me. None. Why would you try to give it back to him?”

  “No, no, no. I would never do that. Never. I would never let him hurt you.” Tears welled and spilled down my cheeks faster than I could stop them. I sniffed loudly and swiped at my eyes with my sleeve. “I thought if you had closure, you’d feel better and you wouldn’t miss your chance to make things right with your father before he died and—”

  “Char, my father is a chronic liar. There’s a very good chance he’s not dying,” he huffed. “He likes to play games. You can never tell what’s real with him.”

  “He said he wasn’t sick at all,” I admitted.

  “Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. All I know for sure is that he’s not a nice guy.”

  “I told him not to come to Zero’s shows anymore. I told him I’d have him arrested. I told him to stay away from you. I think it would be better if you talked to him. Someday. When you’re ready. But I won’t let him in, Ky. I promise.”

  “Char…” He went still.

  I could almost feel some of his anger melt away, no doubt replaced by confusion. But I couldn’t stop talking. “It’s going to be all right. Nothing’s going to happen overnight and Nelson’s story isn’t exactly earth-shattering. A new labels might be interested in the twist. But maybe that’s not a bad thing, right? It’s going to be—”

  “Char, this isn’t gonna work.”

  “Sure, it will. I won’t let—”

  “I mean us,” Ky said softly.

  Except it didn’t sound soft. It sounded like a bomb going off in my head. The noise resonated and ricocheted between my ears. My breath caught in my chest. I licked my dry lips.

  “Please don’t say that.”

  “You told me months ago that you didn’t think I was invested in the band. You said I was holding something back. Maybe I was. I didn’t want you to know where I was from. I didn’t want you to see that kind of ugliness. But things happened and you got so far under my skin and now…fuck, I can’t even breathe when you’re in the room sometimes. I want things from you I don’t have a right to ask for. And you want something I can never be. I’m not perfect. I’m the guy who is always starting over. The two things at once…they’re too complicated. We can’t do it and not leave out something important.”

  “Yes, we can. We can have Zero and we can be together. We can do both,” I choked.

  “I can’t.” Ky’s nostrils flared. He looked as unhappy and upset as I felt. “I don’t know how to have both. And I’m not stealing your dreams so I can fumble through a relationship we both know I’m gonna fuck up.”

  “No, you won’t. I’ll fix it and—”

  “You can’t fix me, Charlie. This is who I am and I—baby, don’t cry.” Ky pulled me against his chest.

  I let him hold me again as sobs wracked my body. I had no shame. It should have been embarrassing, but I couldn’t access appropriate emotions. Everything hurt. It took me a minute to pull myself together. We stared at each other and let the silence bury the words we didn’t want to speak. The false promises and well-intentioned pleas.

  After a long moment, I dried my eyes on my sleeve and stepped onto the curb.

  “I’m not going to say good-bye,” I whispered.

  “We don’t have to. We’re friends. That’s not gonna change.”

  Friends. I wasn’t sure how to say that was exactly what I didn’t want, so I bit my bottom lip, willing myself not to cry again when he touched my arm and skirted the truck.

  I called his name before he opened the door.

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you,” I blurted. “I just need to say it once. I need you to know. I promise not to say it again. I just can’t keep it inside. I’ll do my best to act normal, but it may take some time. And then we’ll be okay.”

  Ky froze. “Charlie…”

  “You should go.”

  I couldn’t see through the sheen of tears. I heard the door close, the engine roar to life, and then the sound of wheels moving away. I listened to the traffic in the distance, the crows squawking in the trees behind
me. Background music that didn’t require my presence. I could be here and be invisible. I sat on the curb and hugged my arms around my knees and pretended to be anyone but me.

  11

  Charlie

  I wasn’t sure how much time passed. Maybe twenty minutes, maybe less. I stared at the row of palm trees on the horizon, shivering when the wind blew through the hills. I had to move or I’d freeze. Or worse…Tegan or Johnny would see me when they left for the night. Of course the ultimate worst-case scenario would be for Gray to find me. But I didn’t think of that one until it was too late.

  Headlights penetrated the growing darkness, blinding me for a second before turning into the driveway. The engine died, the door closed, and footsteps faded.…Then they stopped and turned toward me.

  “Charlie?”

  I glanced up at Gray and gave a tight smile. “Hi.”

  “What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”

  “I thought people from Minnesota were supposed to have thicker skin,” I said. I would have been proud of my powers of deflection if my voice hadn’t cracked and given me away.

  “What’s wrong?” Gray asked, setting his bag on the sidewalk, then crouching to sit beside me on the curb. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded absently and shook my head. “No. I’m not good. I’m really, really not good.”

  Gray set his arm around my shoulder and held me. “What happened?”

  I shrugged helplessly. “I tried to fix him.”

  “Hmm. He didn’t like that, eh?”

  “No. I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t want to let go, but—” I turned when another car door slammed. My ridiculously hopeful self looked for Ky’s silhouette in the shadows. Maybe he’d gotten as far as the 405 and realized he couldn’t live without me…or that traffic was so bad, he might as well come wait it out for a little while longer. No such luck.

  “…the team lands at noon. They should have more than enough time to set up for an evening shoot. Yeah. Okay. Sounds good…”

  “What’s he doing here?” I hissed.

  Gray pulled back slightly and gave me a funny look. “He came by for dinner. Ollie’s at his mom’s and—”

  “I’m going home. I can’t do this.”

  “Do what? Charlie!”

  “What’s going on?” my dad asked.

  I didn’t wait to hear Gray’s response. I hurried inside to get my shit from the studio and get out in record time. I started down the hall but froze when I heard Tegan’s voice and backtracked to the entry before racing up the stairs to my old room. I sat on the bed and lowered my head between my knees, willing myself to get a fucking grip.

  “Char?”

  I groaned aloud. “I’m literally falling apart right now. I think we should just hang caution tape across the doorway and call it a day. I’m not fit for peopling.”

  Dad sighed before moving into my room. He pulled out the desk chair and glanced at Gray. “The drama has to come from your side of the family.”

  Gray chuckled as he sat on the foot of the bed. “Yeah, somehow I doubt it.”

  “Are you all right?” Dad asked cautiously.

  “No. I just got dumped. I’m not well at all. And I can’t make it better. I’m just going to sit here until everyone’s gone, then I’ll go home and hibernate for a night or two…or more. I don’t know,” I sighed. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

  I saw my dads exchange a secret “parent” look before I curled into a fetal position in the middle of the queen-sized bed.

  “You’re not the type who gives up easy. What makes you think it’s over for good?” Dad asked.

  I sat up again and leaned against the headboard. “Maybe it’s not. He’s right about a few things, though. We’re very different and working together would be tough. I thought we were good at it, but what do I know? I just…I thought he was the one. I don’t think there’s a single other person on the planet who can put up with me.”

  “Char, I know you’re hurting, so I’m going to try to say this in the gentlest way possible,” Gray said, motioning for me to get my feet off the bed. “Sometimes it’s not about you. Sometimes it’s the other guy. You forget that you’re a bit…”

  “Annoying?” I suggested.

  “Extraordinary,” Dad intercepted. “You always have been. You have an old soul, Char. When you showed up on my doorstep, my mom said you were an angel. Grandma said you must be someone special, because ordinary people aren’t as strong as you. They lack courage and they forget their gifts because it’s hard to be yourself. You just…you’ve never had that problem. God, I wish I was like you.”

  Gray shot an alarmed look at Dad when his voice hitched. “Seb…”

  Dad shook his head and continued. “It’s true. You’ve been fighting since day one. You want justice and freedom, and you want to know that the righteous win in the end. But it’s not always that simple, Char.”

  “I know. I wish I could fade a little sometimes. Maybe mute my edges so I wasn’t so…much. Maybe I could learn when to push and when to let go,” I said softly.

  “Gray, do you mind if…?”

  “Sure.”

  Gray set a comforting hand on my ankle, then reached for Dad’s hand and squeezed his fingers before closing the door behind him. When we were alone, my father hopped onto the corner of the mattress and leaned forward.

  “Don’t let go,” he said fiercely. “Don’t ever let go. Don’t ever lose or mute the part of you that goes for exactly what he wants and holds on for dear life. Learn from my mistakes, Char. If you love him, give him room…but don’t let go.”

  I swallowed hard and nodded. “Did you let Gray go?”

  “Yeah. I did. And this is a serious tangent, but I’m going to tell you something that I’ll never repeat again. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t regret what I lost. For myself and for you.”

  “For me?”

  “Yeah, you. I know how much it hurt you when he left. You used to cry yourself to sleep and ask when he’d be home and—fuck, that was awful. And it was my fault. I’m sorry, Char. I’ve said it to Gray a million times and I think we’re good. But if I didn’t say it to you…I want you to know how sorry I am. I know I’ll never get another chance to make it right, but you do. Don’t ever stop being you.”

  I launched myself into his arms and sobbed all over again. I composed myself after a few minutes and sighed. “You don’t have to apologize. If we changed the hard parts, we wouldn’t have Oliver or Justin or Zero…and I wouldn’t have met Ky. So, even though some parts suck, I think it was for the best. And Dad?”

  He sniffed before standing, straightening his suit coat. “Yeah?”

  “If I’m lucky, if I’m smart or brave, it’s because of you. So, thank you. I love you.”

  “I love you too, Char.”

  Ky

  Zero had unanimously agreed we wanted to start our own label. The second Justin gave Charlie our okay, Charlie threw himself into the process of establishing the new entity. He hired a lawyer to navigate legalities and a financial consultant to help nail down the funding, and seemingly spent every day in important meetings while the band spent the bulk of our time in the studio with an engineer and producer.

  Charlie rarely came by the studio. In fact, other than the occasional pop-in visit to run through business details, I didn’t see him at all. On one hand, I knew he was busy. We all were. But I also strongly suspected he did everything he could to avoid me or at least limit our contact. He was friendly and polite…and we were back at square one because I fucking hated friendly and polite. I hoped he’d come by and chat during one of my skateboard lessons with Ollie. But he hadn’t yet, and I was beginning to think I’d have to come up with something better on my own. Fast.

  Skateboard wheels screeched against the pavement. I made a mental note to adjust them when Oliver sailed by me before coming to a wobbly stop at the end of the driveway.

  “Nice job,” I said, holding up my hand for a hi
gh five.

  “Thanks.”

  “We need to clean the bearing. Your board is squeaky.”

  “How do you clean ’em?” he asked, tilting his helmet so he could see me better.

  “You use special skate cream. Sometimes it comes in a lube bottle,” I replied.

  “Charlie has some by his bed.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “He usually puts it in his nightstand, but sometimes he forgets and he leaves it out. He has a flashlight in there too. It doesn’t look like a regular flashlight, though. It shakes when you turn it on,” Oliver continued conversationally.

  I bit back my smile and nodded. “That’s…clever.”

  “Uh huh.” He waited a beat, then added, “Maybe you should tell him a joke.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “So he’s not mad at you anymore.”

  I almost clutched my chest in pain. I nodded mutely and mumbled, “Right.”

  “I have a book of jokes you can borrow,” Ollie said.

  “Thanks, Ol. He’s not mad at me, though.”

  “Oh. Don’t you like him anymore?”

  “Of course, I do. I—yeah, of course.”

  “Grown-ups are weird,” Ollie huffed as he picked up his skateboard. “If you still like him, you should tell him because I think he’s sad…and you are too. And if he’s mad, you should tell him a joke. It’s very simple. Don’t make it harder than it has to be, Ky.”

  I stared after him as he headed toward the house. Wouldn’t it be nice to have that kind of conviction again? To keep the past where it belonged and live in the present with a clear conscience and a sense of wonder. Wouldn’t it be nice to believe everything in life could be easily resolved if you were just brave enough?

  Like Charlie.

  When I needed space and time to think, I went to the beach. It was instinctive. Like something in my blood that called to me. Or maybe I was hearing voices, I mused as I headed west on Sunset, hitting every damn traffic light on my way home. It was rush hour. What the hell did I expect? By the time I pulled in front of my place, I didn’t want to be there. So, I grabbed my skateboard and a helmet and rode down to the park.