The Inner Gym
Page 5
RECEIVING INSTRUCTIONS
Recommended Equipment:
Five blank thank you cards or writing paper
Five envelopes
Five postage stamps (optional)
Be more thankful. Over the next five days, in addition to your five- to ten-minute morning meditation and listing your five statements of gratitude, you will exercise mindfulness of what you’re receiving by silently or verbally offering thanks to the people, animals, or nature you encounter for sharing with you their abundance. You won’t need to express thanks in any elaborate or subservient way. Sincerely thanking a friend or a stranger (or Mother Nature) for gifting something to you is enough. Communicating how much you appreciate the gift or help goes a long way. Use your best judgment to determine the number of thank you’s or the appropriate situations in which you thank someone. Here are some examples of mindful receiving:
• Thanking your spouse for cleaning up behind you
• Thanking the barista for making your coffee
• Thanking someone who offered constructive criticism
• Thanking the chef for the tasty lunch
• Thanking security officers for keeping you safe
• Thanking gardeners, painters, and maintenance crews
• Thanking the cop for your speeding ticket
Choose one person to offer written thanks. Along with oral thanks, you’re also going to handwrite either a brief thank you note or thank you card on each day of this exercise to someone who knowingly or unknowingly helped you. For this task, think back to the last time a friend or relative cooked for you or for your family, or went out of their way to help you. Don’t forget about your mentors, the doorman, your bus driver, the kid’s nanny or schoolteacher, the postal worker. Surely some of these people deserve a little extra recognition for helping you or your family. Now, choose at least one person a day during these next five days and send them a personal, handwritten note or card thanking them. Let them know why you appreciate their gift, service, or presence and how it has helped you.
Record your findings. In your exercise log at the end of this chapter, take a few moments to jot down a short list of five people to whom it would be relatively easy to send thank you cards—people you work with, neighbors, relatives whose addresses you already have (you can modify as you go along)—and have fun exercising the often-neglected receiving muscle.
MORE ABOUT WRITING YOUR THANK YOU NOTES
Few people handwrite and mail letters anymore. You can make someone’s day with this small act of kindness and gratitude, while simultaneously training yourself to stay more aware of the gifts in your life. It’s a win-win. People love receiving handwritten notes. When is the last time you received a handwritten note from someone thanking you for something you did? How did you feel when you read it? I’ll bet it brightened your day.
Regarding style, expressing thanks in your own voice always comes across as more sincere and endearing, so write from your heart.
If you don’t have someone’s address, choose people who live or work in places you frequent, and you can hand-deliver the notes, drop them in their mailboxes or inboxes, or ask someone to deliver them for you. It’s nicer if you add the element of surprise by letting them discover your note as opposed to you giving it to them directly.
Here’s an example of a simple thank-you note a man wrote after an overnight stay at his friend’s home:xiii
Dear Fred,
Thanks for putting me up for the night. I know it was an imposition, and I appreciate the special effort you made to provide me with all the comforts of home. I’ll give you a call as soon as I get home.
Later,
Mike
Each time you deliver your card or leave a note, put a checkmark next to that person’s name in your inner exercise log at the end of the chapter. After these first five days, you’ll continue this habit of either writing a thank you card, leaving a personal handwritten note, or sending a thank you text to someone new every day. This inner receiving exercise will lay the foundation for the upcoming “giving” inner exercise, not to mention it will make you the most appreciative person in the room, which comes with its own rewards.
OUTER GYM EQUIVALENT
RECEIVING FREELY = JUMPING ROPE
Practicing receiving is the equivalent of the jump rope exercise. The two dynamic movements—swinging the rope and jumping high enough for the rope to sweep under your feet—have to be in sync in order for the exercise to work effectively. Likewise, receiving completes the cycle of giving and fosters progressive movement and creation. To stop receiving is to stop jumping, and this can only ever lead to stagnation. Therefore, remember to embrace receiving, which will generate abundance for both you and the giver. Coupled with foam rolling and hip opening stretches, your inner receiving exercise is going to prep you for some heavier lifting down the road!
EXERCISE LOG: RECEIVE FREELY
Day 11
Meditated for five to ten minutes
Listed my five statements of gratitude
Today, I wrote a thank you note to:
__________________________________________
Rate my post-receiving happiness level:
Very Happy 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Very Unhappy
Day 12
Meditated for five to ten minutes
Listed my five statements of gratitude
Today, I wrote a thank you note to:
__________________________________________
Rate my post-receiving happiness level:
Very Happy 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Very Unhappy
Day 13
Meditated for five to ten minutes
Listed my five statements of gratitude
Today, I wrote a thank you note to:
__________________________________________
Rate my post-receiving happiness level:
Very Happy 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Very Unhappy
Day 14
Meditated for five to ten minutes
Listed my five statements of gratitude
Today, I wrote a thank you note to:
__________________________________________
Rate my post-receiving happiness level:
Very Happy 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Very Unhappy
Day 15
Meditated for five to ten minutes
Listed my five statements of gratitude
Today, I wrote a thank you note to:
__________________________________________
Rate my post-receiving happiness level:
Very Happy 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Very Unhappy
Continue on to your next inner exercise after day 15.
The present moment is filled with joy and happiness.
If you are attentive, you will see it.
— Thích Nhất Hạnh
INNER EXERCISE 4
SLOW DOWN
(Days 16 to 20)
One chilly January morning in 2007, Washington, D.C.’s L’Enfant Plaza subway station buzzed with activity. Hurried commuters zipped around the promenade, talking on phones, texting, buying lottery tickets, and lining up to get coffee. Standing in the midst of the hustle and bustle was a lone street performer—a musician—who strummed his violin with unusual passion and dexterity.
The young man was dressed plainly, in a long-sleeved shirt, jeans, and a Washington Nationals baseball cap. Although he performed with the flair of a seasoned entertainer, very few people took notice. The tunnel-visioned commuters continued racing in and out of the station, some with headphones, others yelling into their phones as they darted past the musician.
Despite all of the violinist’s theatrics, it took three full minutes before anyone even bothered to look his way. A middle-aged man glanced at the musician for a second or two before shooting off. A half-minute later, the violinist received his first donation from a woman who tossed a dollar bill into the crimson lining of his violin case, which was sprawled out in front of his sneakers. But she, too, rushed along witho
ut actually stopping.
It took about six minutes before anyone paused for long enough to listen to a few bars: a businessman, wrapped warmly in a scarf and gloves, leaned against the wall for a few seconds, then glanced down at his watch and left.
After ten minutes, a boy of about three years appeared captivated by the music. He and his mother began a tug-of-war, with his mother finally pulling hard enough and they left—but the boy continued turning his head to glance back. Notably, several other children repeated this action. And every parent, without exception, forced his or her child to move on.
After forty-five minutes of continuous playing, only about seven out of more than a thousand people stopped to listen, and about twenty folks tossed various amounts of pocket change into the musician’s case.
The performance ended as quietly as it began. There was no applause. The five or six people lined up at the lottery ticket machine easily outnumbered the maximum amount of people taking notice of the musician at any point during his performance. He humbly packed up his violin, and counted out the $32.15 he received in change and bills, which would normally be a fine amount for less than an hour’s work. But this was no ordinary subway performer.
The violinist was a former child prodigy named Joshua Bell—one of the most gifted classical musicians in the U.S. That morning he performed his most enchanting selections, using a 17th-century handcrafted violin worth more than three and a half million dollars.
A few days prior to his incognito subway performance, Bell played before a sold-out crowd in Boston’s Symphony Hall for his usual rate of a thousand dollars per minute. Decent seats went for a hundred dollars each. Unbeknownst to almost everyone rushing in and out of L’Enfant Metro Station that morning, an internationally acclaimed musical virtuoso was treating them to a free performance.
Had you or I been walking by Joshua Bell that morning on our way to work, do you imagine that we would’ve stopped to listen? Of course, there’s no way to know, but statistically the answer is a flat no.
Washington Post journalist Gene Weingarten conducted this social experiment to measure people’s perception, taste, and priorities. His April 2007 article, “Pearls Before Breakfast,” raised some interesting questions—questions we will explore during this next inner exercise. In a commonplace environment, at an inappropriate hour, are we capable of perceiving beauty? And if so, will we take the time to appreciate it? Additionally, if we don’t have a moment to stop and listen to one of the most talented musicians in the world playing some of the finest music ever written on one of the most expensive instruments ever crafted, what else are we racing past?
WHY SLOW DOWN?
The feeling of rushing or being hurried is a daily pressure that we have all experienced. Yet not all rushing is a result of being under attack or running late. There’s a subtler form of rushing that’s more of a subconscious behavior we inherited from our upbringing. For years, we were encouraged to speed through life in an effort to accomplish a series of goals such as learning how to walk and talk, getting potty trained, and making the dean’s list.
Once we understood that growing older meant having more freedom, we began hurrying ourselves into the world of cars, relationships, money, and other indulgences. Being an adult also comes with tremendous pressure to make something of our lives. This may entail launching a company, finding a life partner, having kids, or buying a house—and all of this needs to happen within the socially agreed upon amount of time, or we feel like we’re behind. The immense pressure to gain acceptance can easily accelerate our lives to an unsustainable pace, where we begin to miss the simpler beauties and joys of being alive.
By the time we approach middle age, the indoctrination to rush is so deeply ingrained that we’re prone to become depressed or feel inadequate if we don’t accomplish our life goals in time. We may find ourselves obsessing over whether we’re heading in the right direction or worrying about what’s going to happen to us in the future. Simultaneously, we feel trapped in a never-ending competition for more money, more resources and more love. Our saving grace is the belief that as soon as we get our lives back on track, accomplish our goals, or find our calling, we will fit in and attain ultimate happiness. But it’s been pointed out several times already, there is no way to happiness, and future happiness should not be the sole motivation for achieving goals.
While no one is immune to this programming, you can slowly override it by exercising the proper inner muscles. Without strengthening these muscles, our acquisitive-approach-to-happiness indoctrination will remain on autopilot, and cause us to overlook the richness and beauty of each moment, where the very happiness we’re seeking is hiding in plain sight.
Looking for happiness in future acquisitions is like frantically searching for your phone only to realize moments later you’re talking on it. This has certainly happened to me, and how silly did I feel when I realized.that I was holding the phone against my ear the entire time while anxiously tearing my place apart looking for it?
The drive to find happiness through achievements strongly influences many of our everyday choices. As a result, we give preferential treatment to the future and see the present as an obstacle we need to overcome in order to reach “success.” We justify rushing through our meals, through work, through conversations, and even rushing through relationships in our never-ending quest to reach the next goal. We talk more than we listen and often feel bored whenever we’re alone.
In addition to daily meditation, gratitude, and receiving, we need to practice slowing down. Slowing down is a vital component for helping us reconnect to our human experience. It also initiates a refreshing shift away from the old hurry-up-and-get-to-the-future paradigm where, instead of seeking out experiences to make us happy, we seek out experiences that are the perfect outlet for the happiness we have inside. This way, happiness becomes the driving force behind the fulfillment of our desires, not the elusive goal.
A good start for approaching this new paradigm is to expect resistance from the subconscious mind, the ego, and society. Remember this: people who spend their lives looking for happiness externally tend to be more object-referral, and therefore they can only ever give you advice corresponding to that worldview. Your ego will also be there rushing you along, trying to convince you that you don’t have time to study the clouds, or gaze at the setting sun, or sit by a tree and just gather your thoughts. The ego will tell you there’s nothing useful or productive in communing with nature or children, that you must check your phone every minute or see what your social media followers are up to. Expect this voice, and you’re better equipped to redirect your attention to the present moment.
It gets easier. Whenever you feel happier and more rested inside (a major byproduct of your daily meditation practice), it’s far easier to disregard that voice telling you to hurry and achieve in order to become happier. Conversely, when you’re feeling anxious, disregarding that voice is like trying to ignore a shrieking jet engine. Therefore, you must continue to give your meditation the highest priority in order to reduce anxiety, heighten your intuition, rest the body and overcome your conditioning.
Slowing down may also require prompting. You may need to tease your awareness into the present moment and away from the future. Think of it like a pop quiz you’ll be giving to yourself on a regular basis. Whenever you feel yourself rushing, obsessing over the future, or getting bored, just ask, “Where is the beauty right now?” See what you can detect. Perhaps you can feel something subtle around you? Or smell something? Or hear something? Maybe there’s a valuable life lesson you’re learning? Or you realize you’re simply more aware of your surroundings nowadays than ever before? How does that make you feel? These questions will reward you with stronger inner guidance.
My meditation teacher used to warn us not to expect mangoes to fall from the apple tree. That was his way of encouraging us to examine our expectations whenever we experience suffering. Perhaps you were expecting the situation (apple tree) to prod
uce a certain outcome (mangoes) that could never occur. When we pay close attention to the present, and particularly to nature, we begin to see what’s unfolding more clearly and we learn infinitely more about ourselves and the world around us.
Many ancient stories from Eastern spiritual traditions portray their heroes communing with nature.xiv Lessons are often imparted after colorful exchanges with flora, fauna and wildlife. A character may spend significant time walking through the jungle, sitting along the riverbank, or speaking with birds, and receive nuggets of wisdom from nature itself. If you live near a riverbank, or an old wise-looking tree, spend some time sitting next to it and see if you don’t receive a deeper sense of your connection to nature, or perhaps more sustainable solutions to the problems you may be facing.
We also don’t want to discount experiences of chaos or despair, as a means of receiving valuable insight. The following revelation from the wonderful Hermann Hesse novel Siddhartha illustrates this point:
“I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace.”
As you make a sincere effort to slow down, you may begin to recognize that the infinite beauty, connectedness, and love you seek is largely a byproduct of the preceding misery.
While visiting Rome at the turn of the twentieth century, the famous German poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote to his mentee that though the city was dirty, noisy, and overrun with tourists, “there’s still much beauty here, because there’s much beauty everywhere.” What if we adopted Rilke’s outlook more often, no matter where we find ourselves? We can acknowledge the facts of the moment (“The city is dirty, noisy and overrun with tourists”) and appreciate the goodness (“There’s still much beauty here...”).