by K R Leikvoll
The memory made me feel like the walls were closing in. The ties on my corset grew tighter and tighter. It was digging into my ribs and suffocating me. I clawed at it desperately, but I couldn't get out of it while struggling to breathe. I wanted to get out of there. I needed to get out of there. I couldn’t help but become hysterical. I could imagine myself as a broken corpse, eaten by monsters. My lungs could barely respire. With no way to calm myself down, a panic attack was in full motion. I tried to crawl to the door as I choked. My bloodied hand reached for the handle desperately and tried to pull it open. The world was growing far away.
I felt myself being picked up. Cold steel traveled from my waist to my mid-back. I sputtered and gratefully took a gulp of oxygen the instant I was released. It took several breaths before the world came back into focus. I was met with the view of Kirin hovering above me with a concerned expression. His eyes were still dark crimson and petrifying.
For some reason, he was holding my head still and examining my face. I tried to move, but he narrowed his eyes into a glare and pulled my face back.
"Please let me go," I said nervously, trying to get away. I wasn’t able to stop myself from shaking with fear. It was entirely embarrassing to show him how much he intimidated me.
"What did you do?"
Have an anxiety attack? Be choked to death by a corset? Disintegrate my favorite pair of Dockers?
"I don't know what you mean. One moment I was waking up with a headache, the next thing I know everything is on fire and I'm being suffocated by this stupid dress!" I replied emotionally. His expression said that he knew I was partially lying.
"Your eyes glowed red, girl. They are blue now, but they were…" he trailed off. He glared at my face with a single questioning expression.
"What? Do you think I killed someone like you? I could buy contacts if I wanted my eyes to be red!" I hissed at him. Kirin moved his hand to the ties of my corset, which he had cut moments before. His skin brushed mine, and fear made me want to yank away.
Thankfully, Kirin pushed me back and I plopped down on my bed.
"It seems as though the ties were tightened to its maximum. Surely Alex wouldn't leave you in this state?" I knew she hadn't tightened them. Maybe I had tangled them in my sleep.
"She didn't. I'm just a crazy sleeper," I whispered anxiously. I didn't want him near me.
"I'm particularly skilled with removing them, and I had to cut it off. What were you doing to make it suffocate you?" Kirin asked as if he was commanding me to answer. He wasn't my king. I didn't vote for him.
"Yeah, like I'd kill myself on purpose! Especially not with a dress!" I snapped, finally losing my temper. My words hung in the air. Kirin just looked at me with an intense stare. I guess I would try to kill myself purposefully...
He didn't even feel the need to burn me beyond what I had already said myself, apparently.
"And your hand? Let me see it," Kirin demanded. For some reason I was overcome with the desire to hide it from him. I didn't want him near my blood. Naturally, he didn't wait for me to give it to him; despite my reluctance, he yanked it from my side and studied the deep cuts from every angle.
"What magic did you use?" he asked finally after a period of silence. Magic? That's what caused the levitation of everything in the room? Did magic try to strangle me, too? That seemed less beneficial than good.
"I... don’t know. I'm not really sure what magic is."
"I think you have a clue. Why won't you tell me what happened? How can I aid you if you keep things hidden from me?" he asked, irritated. Seriously, dude.
"You treat me like shit and expect me to tell you stuff? You wouldn't answer a single goddamn question for me! You didn't even have the decency not to practically get me killed! Did you think I was going to forget this overnight?" I responded without being able to contain my rage. He shook his head angrily.
"You stupid fucking girl!" his voice reverberated off of the walls. "You will not survive five seconds without me! You are going to get every man, woman and child killed with your insolence alone!"
"You are the murderer here! If anyone is going to get them killed, it's you for being such an unbearable asshole to me!"
Pounding on my door caused me to jump to my feet. It sounded like Alex's voice calling out on the other side. I wanted to beg her to come in, but I didn't dare yell for help. Kirin moved directly in front of me and blocked my path. The exposed window cast a beam of light onto his face. It was so bright in there now, I hadn't noticed how dusty everything was with ashes. They danced off his simple black robes and hair. He kneeled at my side.
"Divinus," he said evenly before taking a deep breath. "Would you please tell me what you were doing that caused all this?" He gestured to the ashes coating every surface of the room. I grew more emotional with his words, worse than before his intrusion.
"I was—" I started and my voice cracked. "I was upset and everything started to spin around the room. When I focused on how sad I was... everything caught on fire. Then my corset got super tight—" Ugh, it sounded bad enough to make me cringe. Kirin glanced around the room at the burnt disaster.
"What were you thinking of?"
I was conquered by the grief of James' death all over again. It wasn't any of his business.
"I... I…" my mind wouldn’t finish the words. My heart was so heavy. The more I thought about the reality I was in, the more I mourned James. I could've asked him so much. He would've kept me safe from Kirin's neurotic behavior.
"I want James!" I finally shouted at him. The waterworks started up again, and I couldn't stop myself. I hated Kirin so much, and I hated him seeing me cry even more. "He wasn't a piece of shit like you! He should be here, not you!"
Kirin smiled slowly. It was anything but friendly. "Your sweet prince James? James with ashen hair and a circular scar under his eye?" His description was lacking, but yes, it was James he was talking about. I didn't respond, but he was looking straight through me. He leaned in too close for comfort. His face was in front of mine for a moment before he put his lips to my ear. It sent uncomfortable chills down my spine.
"We called him James the Butcher."
I couldn't move; I was paralyzed.
"He isn't like you—"
"He's worse. I didn't realize murder got you off. Was the thought of my lunch arousing you this whole time?" he hissed with his voice dripping with sarcasm. He moved away from me slowly, his body shaking with rage. His face was more infuriated than I had witnessed so far. As much as his anger scared me, he was flat out lying. James was not like him. He was an angel sent from heaven in comparison to everyone I had ever known.
The jammed door finally flew open. It swung wildly and slammed against the wall, almost as if it had been barred by an invisible force. Alex was practically spitting fire on the other side.
"It is really unnecessary to lock yourself in with the Divinus and block me from entering! I thought something serious was happening!"
I wanted to run into her arms. Kirin backed away nonchalantly, glowering at me the entire time.
"I can't take much more of this," he said defeatedly to Alex over his shoulder. He spoke to her like I wasn't in the room. Alex shoved past him and stood between us. She looked back and forth at the carnage and Kirin. Her eyes studied my ripped dress.
"I think you need to leave, Kirin." He thought it was a great idea as well and left in his storm of emotions. Alex shut the door almost silently behind him and turned to me.
"Did he... do anything to you?" she asked hesitantly as if she was scared of the answer.
"He didn't touch me if that's what you mean. He saved me, I guess, when I was suffocating. Then he yelled at me. Why does he yell at me so much? Why does he hate me?" I said rapidly, and I finally let myself break down. "I never did anything to him. He is the murderer. He thinks it's okay to lie about James."
Alex stared back at me blankly. She sat down and put a calloused hand on my arm.
"You have to forgive Kir
in for his behavior," she said gingerly. I shot her a glare.
"How can I? I don't want to," I responded immediately. I didn't want to. I wanted him to disappear forever.
"All I can do is beseech you to stop fighting him. He has lost more than all of us. I know you don't understand now, but you will come to see that his burden is far greater than the ones we bear," she said, pushing softly into my arm.
"I'm scared of him," I finally admitted to her quietly. It embarrassed the hell out of me. I wanted to be a tough badass that wasn't afraid of anything. In reality, when faced with a monster in the form of a man, I was stricken with fear. He seemed like a ticking time bomb. He did his best to make me feel incredibly out of place. He even insulted the only person that was ever truly there for me.
"Kirin would never hurt you," she whispered. I found that hard to believe with the bruises he left still on my shoulders. "He would die for you in an instant." I didn't respond; I just cried into her shoulder. "You have to be strong if you want to survive."
She let me get out all of my emotions over the span of twenty minutes. I couldn't believe I wanted to go home when all I had wanted was release from that world. When I was finally able to stop, she wiped my face with her kerchief. She helped me out of my ripped dress and instructed me to lay flat on my back. I awkwardly let her remove my bandages below.
"You aren't bleeding; you should be okay. Here are the clothes I've brought for you," she told me, taking a brown knapsack from her back.
More leather shit. At least this time it had been dyed dark gray, which was more my color than brown. The pants were slightly too big on me and dragged on the floor. The top was another corset, but it fit comfortably like I was meant to move around in it. It was super welcome on my chest which had been unsupported the entire time. It was definitely something I had taken for granted before the past few days. She finished my look by having me put on a pair of almost knee-high gray boots. Too plain for my taste, but I didn't think it was the time to be picky. Alexandra wasn’t satisfied with my hair down so she wrapped it up in a top bun. I felt wrong in the clothes. Like I was LARPing or something.
"Let's find out what you are good at," Alex said cheerfully. It was exaggerated cheeriness; I could see it in her hollow eyes.
She led me through the east wing of the castle which was nearly empty of people. I wondered why they would force people to sleep on the grounds with all the empty space inside. Alex opened a creaky brown door that looked more like the entry to a closet than outside. The orange glow of the planet in the sky lit up everything around us. The heat was mostly due to the immense humidity. It was sticky and felt gross almost immediately.
Down below sat an empty yard. On one side, there were several sacks with hand-painted targets. The other side was occupied with a stone building connected to the walls of the castle. Heavy, dirty smoke rose from the chimney at the top. Several men were going in and out with stacks of sheathed swords. The sight of such archaic weapons still made me feel uneasy. Alex had to almost drag me down the steps to get me to follow.
"If we are going to go outside the borders, you are going to need to be able to defend yourself," she said positioning me between the targets. "Stay," she added imperatively as she crossed the yard and entered the building. A moment later, she returned with a blue fruit in her hand. As she approached me, I stared at it curiously, completely unaware of her intentions. That was until she placed the fruit on my head.
"Wait, no—" I reacted immediately trying to take it off, but she swatted my hands away.
"I want you to repel my arrows in whatever manner you see fit. Just try to focus your center of gravity on the ring, okay?" she asked quickly before running across the yard. Was she really going to start shooting arrows at me? The sound of a heavy drawstring being pulled back answered my question.
"Wait, don't!" I squeaked, flinching away from her. The arrow whizzed over my head. I heard the sound of it making contact with the wall behind me. Cold juice dripped onto my forehead. I let out a tiny, delayed scream.
"Try to block them!" Alex called, not bothering to wait for me. She grabbed another arrow out of her quiver. With a deep breath, she lined up her shot and let it fly. I let out another yell of fear and flinched away. It hit the already-impaled fruit on the wall. Alex shook her head.
"I'm not going to hit you. Try to focus."
She fired three more arrows. I dodged every single one. There was no way I could block a damn arrow with nothing. I was startled by loud clapping above me.
"Superb!" yelled Codd from up the stairs. Seriously? I was having arrows shot at my damn head! Alex wasted no time and drew another arrow. The men in the building had heard the commotion and lined up behind her, watching the show. She nodded in encouragement at me before releasing. It didn’t make me feel any more reassured.
I tried to fight my instincts this time. Despite my fear, I didn’t want to look weak. I took a deep breath as it soared through the air at my head. Instinctually, I lifted my right hand up in front of my face. Fearfully, I watched as the arrow threatened to pierce my palm. Instead, when it made contact, it was shredded into two pieces that flew in different directions.
"Again!" Without telling me, she fired three arrows at once. One went for my knees, one for my gut, the last between my eyes. I tried to focus on the confidence from the previous shot. Rather than being shredded in half, the arrows disintegrated when they reached my vicinity. One moment they were solid lines of death, the next they snapped and crackled in black flame. I glanced up excitedly at Alex. The men behind her clapped and cheered various things, but she stood there concentrated on my face. It was almost a worried expression; I couldn’t tell.
"Another," I barely heard her say as she fired another set of three. They moved faster than the previous set and were all aimed at my head. I wanted to scream and flinch away again, but my body stayed still. I watched as each arrow was burnt to ashes as it approached my face. With some sort of new fire in her demeanor, Alex set her bow down. She strode across the yard with purpose and placed a tiny sheathed blade in my shaking hands.
"I want you to come at me with the knife, right now," she instructed. I pulled it out of its sheath. It was small, but it was sharp. I held it unsteadily. "Don't worry about hurting me. Try to cut my throat!" Alex hollered, and put her fists up. I hadn’t been in a single fight back home, or at least I had never fought back. Just the sight of someone holding their fists up to me made me feel weak in the knees.
I pathetically tried to stab her in the gut. With great agility, she stepped backward, avoiding the blade entirely. She took her arm and wrapped it around mine mid-strike, holding my knife hand downward. She lightly pushed me back away from her.
"Do it again.”
I came at her once more like she asked, that time slashing sideways. She moved to the right completely dodging my attack. Her left fist came in and hit me in the sternum, pushing me back like before.
"Ow," I responded, dropping the knife. She was way too quick for me. What was the point of trying to slash her? She shook her head again, clearly disappointed.
"We are going to have to work on this every day. What if a demon tries to eat you? You need to be able to cut its eyes out," she said, handing me the knife from the ground. She put her hands around mine and showed me how to grip it properly. "Aim for the throat. Slash, don't stab. These monsters won't be slowed by a shallow stab wound."
"Do you really think I could kill a monster with this letter opener?" It was more like a shiv than a dagger.
"She doesn't think you could kill a monster at all!" Codd jeered from above. Alex's eyes showed that he spoke the truth, though she tried to hide it.
"You'll have to forgive me. I got an F in knife fighting," I said sarcastically.
Why did I need a shiv when I could use the ring? I mean, disintegrating stuff seemed pretty easy. I wasn't even really sure how I was doing it in the first place. Some part of me took over in every instance—a part that knew what I was d
oing, even if I wasn't consciously aware of it.
"Alexandra, we require an audience with you," Codd called down, finally stating his purpose.
"You could've just said that," Alex replied coolly. She grabbed the knife from my hand and sheathed it—probably so I wouldn’t hurt myself accidentally.
"We are going to keep working on this on the road. For now, remember to stay behind us. Unless you can do something to be of aid, we need you to stay safe. Think defensively," she said in a hushed voice that only I could hear. "There's no reason to risk yourself. We can protect you." The nice way of being told I sucked. In my defense, I had never held a knife for anything other than cooking. I stuck to mace for the streets.
A man approached us from the spectators. It was the person from the night before that Alexandra said was their strategist or something, named Ronen. I remembered the brunette girl that had been wrapped around him before Kirin stole her away. Bleh, I wondered if she made it to bed alive.
"I left the navigation charts in your room. You will need to take all routes that avoid the Capitol. Shouldn't be too hard," Ronen told Alex. "You will have to go slow so you don't attract attention. The last thing we need right now is a new king."
"Keep everyone safe," she replied softly, resting a hand on his shoulder. He brushed her cheek with his hand.
"Come back alive okay? I put five hundred coins on your return," he said, chuckling.
"What are you going to buy with that?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Enough ladies to last until the end of the world," he replied. Alex shoved him playfully, like he was a brother or something. He looked at her with a sad smile before returning to the stone building.
Alex redirected her attention to me. "Let's go. You can have a bath before we leave. You need to get as much rest as possible tonight."
As she led me back up the stairs, I realized how physically exhausted I still felt. I hadn't even done that much out there. Hadn't done much at all except cry and burn stuff. My head was still killing me. I was being terrible with my hangover self-care. A bath sounded nice, though. Maybe it would ease the pain and anxiety.
