Highland Brawn (The Band of Cousins Book 8)

by Keira Montclair

  “’Tis lovely to meet you, lass.”

  “And this is her daughter, Claray, who has brought her new pup with her.”

  “Will that be allowed? I hope so,” Sela said, wringing her hands. She wouldn’t be turned away over the pup, would she?

  “I’m sure the nuns will love both Claray and her pup. When you’re ready, I’ll take you inside to meet the abbess.” He gave them an assessing look, then said, “Come, Claray. I’ll take you and the pup inside. We’ll give your mother and Connor a chance to say goodbye.” Shifting his attention to Connor, he added, “I’d love to speak with you before you go, lad.”

  “Of course, Father MacGregor.” The priest took Claray inside. Connor touched her hand, his fingers grazing against hers—a gesture subtle enough not to announce their connection to anyone who might be watching. “He married my parents and my sister. I’m sure he’d like to hear how they’re doing.”

  “I cannot thank you enough for all you’ve done for me,” Sela said, turning to him. She wanted to wrap her arms around him.

  She could not.

  “Always remember this. You deserve happiness, but only you can decide what form that will take. I will always love you. Anytime you need me, send a messenger and I’ll be here. If you decide you wish to visit me at Grant land, I’m sure my uncle Aedan would send a group of guards to escort you.”

  “My thanks to you and your family,” she said. “I cannot thank you all enough.”

  He kissed her forehead and she clung to him for just a moment before forcing herself to turn away. She turned back to him once. “Promise not to forget me?”

  “I promise.”

  She went inside the abbey, refusing to look back. She couldn’t. If she did, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to leave him.

  ***

  It took every bit of control Connor possessed not to beg her to stay, but he knew his only chance to be with her was to let her go. To give her the freedom those other men had taken from her. He remembered he had promised to introduce her to his aunt and uncle, but he doubted either one of them could handle it at the moment. He’d stop and see them before he left. Aunt Jennie would be willing to visit her, he was sure of it.

  He’d gone over in his mind at least a thousand times how he could help her, but he’d come up with naught. The only thing that might help was to kill Hord, but he had no idea where the bastard had gone. He’d sailed off into the distance to an unknown destination. Maggie and Will were still looking for him, but it seemed unlikely the man would return so soon.

  As he mulled it all over again, he made his way to the abbey. She’d had enough time to find her way to the abbess’s office, and he’d promised to speak with the old priest.

  Father MacGregor was waiting for him at the door. He opened it and waved him in. “Come inside, Connor. Do an old man a favor and sit with me in the monk’s section. I’d love to hear about your parents.”

  Connor nodded and followed the priest down a passageway that led to a different building, presumably the section where the monks lived and worked. He recalled Aunt Jennie telling him about how hard the scribes worked, writing all day long, transcribing important works and volumes of the Lord’s teaching.

  The quiet was unnerving for him. Would Sela find it comforting, or would she feel the same way?

  The priest entered a small chamber and took a chair in front of the hearth, pointing to the chair next to it for him to sit. “’Tis my favorite place in here. I’m allowed to stay warm while the monks are not.”

  Connor waited for the priest to sit down before he took his chair.

  “Your parents are well, I hope?” the man asked. He respected the priest, especially since he knew how much his mother valued the man.

  “Aye, they are doing well. We believe we have put an end to the Channel of Dubh. Papa took part in the battle, but he returned home unscathed. Kyla is carrying her first bairn and due in the spring, as is Jamie’s wife, Gracie.”

  “How exciting for your mother.” The priest took a linen square out and mopped his forehead. “Now what would you like to tell me about the lass whom you escorted here? Do I sense stronger feelings than friendship?”

  This priest was indeed perceptive. “Father, Sela was controlled by the men in the Channel for five years. One of them got her with child and she raised her daughter inside the Channel. The men used Claray to force her to work for the Channel. I met her in Inverness, where she controlled the women’s fighting portion of their operation. While she never stole or kidnapped anyone, she bears a terrible burden of guilt.”

  “Was she not being forced to do these things?”

  “Aye, but she feels she must atone for her part in the travesty. I’m hoping the nuns can help her.”

  “And your feelings?”

  Connor stared into the flames and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “I’m in love with her. She’s a vital, strong woman. If you knew some of the atrocities she’s endured, you’d be shocked. I don’t know how she’s managed to endure it. I asked her to be my wife, but she rejected me, saying she thought it best if she were to become a nun.”

  “Does she admit to sharing your feelings of love?”

  Connor sat up, perplexed by this question. “Aye, she does, but I don’t understand how she can walk away if she truly loves me.”

  “Are you not doing the same yourself?”

  Connor gave him a look, confused by this thought, though he knew the words were wise.

  “May I share something with you, lad?”

  He almost smirked at the priest’s name for him. He hadn’t been called a lad in a long time, but he would never argue with the man. “Please do.”

  “I recall having a similar conversation with your sire many years ago. Your mother had been abused terribly, yet she had been raised to obey her elders, and to obey men in particular. She had a difficult time reconciling her beliefs with her life experience, but more importantly…” He paused for a sip from the goblet of water sitting on the nearby table. Once he cleared his throat, he continued, “More importantly, she had a difficult time accepting her own value, and learning to trust your father.”

  “Truly? I don’t think I’d ever heard that. I know my mother was abused, but they’ve never seemed to have any problems because of it. I’d always assumed they’d married right away.”

  “Nay, dear Maddie was a troubled young lady. Your father wished to rush her into marriage, but she’d been through too much to be hurried. Perhaps ’tis the same with your young lady. I sense she is troubled, and this could be a good way for her to reconcile those feelings. Do not despair yet, lad. Where there is love, there is still hope.”

  “Thank you, Father.” He stood up from his chair, anxious to leave. “I’ll make sure and tell my parents that we had a nice talk.”

  He had to go. If he didn’t, he’d run after her, get down on one knee, and beg her to marry him. And he couldn’t handle another rejection.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “Come inside,” the abbess said, ushering them into her office. “You may call me Mother Matilda. And what is your daughter’s name?” The abbess was a tall woman, although not quite so tall as Sela. Her piercing eyes seemed to reach right down to Sela’s soul. She doubted she’d ever be able to lie to the woman. Luckily, this question was easy to answer.

  “My name is Sela Seton and this is my daughter, Claray.”

  “And the puppy?”

  Claray sat on the floor with her pup on her lap. “I wish to call him Torry. May I, Mama?”

  “Of course. Why Torry?”

  “Because ’twas Chief Torrian who gave him to me, and I’ve never had a puppy before.” She giggled as the gray Deerhound shook his head, settling his ears.

  “Sister Therese,” Mother Matilda called out to a passing woman. “Would you come and take Claray for a bite to eat, please. I’m sure she would love some bread or cheese. Perhaps there is bone for the puppy to gnaw on.”

  The nun rushed in
and ushered the girl and her dog away. Surprisingly, Claray was more than happy to go with the nun.

  Once she was gone, Mother Matilda turned to look Sela in the eyes. “Now, please tell me why you wish to serve our Lord. ’Tis not often that we receive young women with a bairn into a nunnery. We also don’t keep a nunnery in Lochluin Abbey, meaning we only have a few novices here, but there are others you could join should we accept you. Tell me about yourself.”

  Sela began her tale, starting with her happy life as a child, moving on to her parents’ murder and her life in the Channel of Dubh—the fighting, the whoring, the spiders, everything. She had to give the abbess credit. Her eyes gave away nothing, though she did cluck her tongue and shake her head twice.

  “My dear,” the abbess said at the end, “that is an atrocious tale, and you have my deepest sympathies for all you were forced to endure. God clearly gave you a strength many of us do not possess. But all of this doesn’t answer my question. Why the nunnery?” She moved back from her desk and folded her hands in her lap.

  “Because I must make amends for the horrible things I have done. I think my sins have been so great that the only way I can make up for them is to devote the rest of my life to our Lord.” At this point, she was so unsettled, she wasn’t sure what else to say. If they sent her away, she wasn’t sure what she could do to find peace within herself.

  “I don’t think you have much to make amends for, but I understand how you might feel. You were coerced during much of this, aye? If so, the Lord will not fault you.”

  “But I can do work for you. I can clean chambers. I could plant a garden come spring. I could work in the kitchens cutting vegetables, washing dishes. I could learn how to cook…”

  “Child, please stop.” The abbess leaned forward, resting her hands on the desk. “Do you know why I came here in the beginning?”

  She shook her head.

  “Because my heart belongs to God. Out of my respect for the Grants, the Ramsays, and the Camerons, I’m going to allow you to live and work here. While you are at the abbey, you may speak with the priests and the other nuns, and I also advise you to beg God for guidance. You are so fresh from five years of torture that I would not be one of God’s servants if I turned you away. But you must search your heart. Who does it belong to?”

  Another nun walked by and Mother Matilda called out to her. “Sister Grace, would you please take Sela here to the chamber at the end of the passageway on the second floor? She and her lovely daughter, Claray, are going to stay with us for a while. She has been through a terrible ordeal and we will help her get past it, if we can.”

  Sister Grace, a short rotund woman with smiling eyes and gray hair, said, “Of course. Come along. ’Tis a lovely chamber, you’ll see. And I’ll do anything I can to help you.”

  “Oh, and Sister Grace?”

  “Aye, Mother Matilda?”

  “She’s going to assist us with cleaning and cooking. You can show her to her duties on the morrow. Her daughter is in the kitchens with Sister Therese. Collect her and you may give them a brief tour before they find their chambers.”

  Sela turned to the abbess and said, “Many thanks to you, Mother Matilda.”

  “Bless you, child. May our Lord bring you and your daughter peace.”

  ***

  When Connor returned to Ramsay Castle, he was pleased to see that Will and Maggie were there. Everyone had agreed to stay one final eve for a celebration of the Band’s accomplishment. The Ramsays threw a wonderful festival with minstrels, trestle tables overflowing with food, and much rehashing of all the Band had accomplished.

  Connor enjoyed talking with his cousins, but it struck him that each of them had found their happiness over the last couple of years, and he was alone. He’d found his love, but he couldn’t keep her.

  Maggie, who’d always been adept at reading others, pulled him aside. Looking him in the eye, she asked, “How are you handling Sela’s journey to the abbey?”

  He shrugged. “’Tis what she wants, and I want her happiness.”

  “You’re in love with her, are you not? It was hard not to see the attraction between the two of you. She fought it for a long time, but I do believe her heart will belong to you eventually.”

  “My thanks, Maggie. I hope you’re right. I just feel so helpless. What can I do for her? I would help her through this if she would allow it, but she chose to step away from me.” He rubbed his chin, reminded of how much he already missed Sela.

  “Did she admit to having feelings for you?” Maggie had a way of being direct that he appreciated. She rarely minced words.

  “She did, but she believes she’d like to take her vows. I’ve fallen in love with a nun. How’s that for luck?” He couldn’t help but grin over that.

  Maggie gave him a brief hug. “Be patient. Those men were exceptionally cruel and demented. No matter what she has told you, you have no idea what she was subjected to during her captivity. She’ll not tell all, we women are like that. She needs time to heal. The mere story of what that man did to her with the spiders will bother me for many moons. I believe you’ve chosen a woman much stronger than I would be. Have faith in her if you truly love her.”

  “I hope you’re right, Maggie. Many thanks for your thoughts.” He hugged her back. His cousin was truly a strong-minded woman, and her encouragement had given him hope.

  She headed off for her husband and Connor felt a sudden, powerful urge to be alone. He moved up the stairs, walked straight past his chamber, and opened the door to the parapets, the cool breeze hitting him in the face.

  He didn’t care about the temperature. He just wished to be alone.

  But it was not to be. He opened the door, surprised to see he wasn’t the only one who’d sought solace up there. “Papa? I didn’t expect to find you here.”

  Although mayhap he should have. His sire had always enjoyed spending time in the parapets.

  His father gave him a sideways glance. “The view is quite spectacular up here, almost as good as it is at home. But I often come here…you don’t.” His sire paused, leaning over the cold stone to look at the land splayed out before them. “What brings you all the way up here when your cousins are below stairs celebrating?”

  “I felt the need to be alone.” He leaned over the parapets in the same position as his sire. “I see why you like it up here. ’Tis peaceful.”

  His father just quirked his brow.

  Connor said, “I had a chat with an old friend of yours before I left Lochluin Abbey. Father MacGregor. He told me something I never knew.”

  His father, always a man of few words, simply gazed at him with an expectant expression, waiting for a full explanation. He took a deep breath and dove in, hoping he wasn’t jumping into a fire pit by bringing up old memories. “He told me that Mama was verra troubled when you first met, and she took her time agreeing to be your wife. I thought you married right away.”

  A small smile crossed his father’s face. “Nay, your mother took her sweet time deciding to marry me. I yelled at everyone but her because I was so upset.”

  Connor couldn’t help but grin at that thought. His father rarely yelled anymore. “Truly?”

  “Aye, I went after both of my brothers with my sword, and Aunt Brenna wished to choke me. Even Aunt Jennie, who was only eight summers at the time, called me mean. The only one who could talk any sense into me was the old stablemaster, Hugh.”

  “Hugh? I thought you’d say Mac. He was our stablemaster, was he not?”

  “Mac came with Maddie. He was married to her maid, and they are probably the only reason your mother survived. There aren’t many people crueler than her stepbrother, and what she endured… I still know not how she survived it. Women have a stronger core than men do. It took me decades to learn that, but your mother is a good example. I suspect Sela is the same. Many would have succumbed to the torture she endured, but she had a daughter. That alone gave her the push she needed.”

  “I asked her to marry m
e, Papa. She rejected me.”

  “Just as your mother rejected me the first time I asked.”

  “Mama rejected you?”

  He nodded with a grin. “Not in so many words, but I chased her for weeks before she even allowed me near her. She wanted naught to do with me. In fact, I remember the time she sat at our trestle table and told me to take her to an abbey. She wished to become a nun.”

  “Truly?” He’d never heard any of this before. Why had he not heard this?

  “’Tis true.” His sire paused, looking him in the eye, then asked, “Do you truly love Sela?”

  “Aye, Papa. I don’t think I can love another woman. But I don’t know what to do. I knew I had to leave her there today, but I wanted to beg her to marry me.”

  His father sighed and looked up at the moon peeking out from behind the rolling clouds every now and then. “When a woman has been abused, it takes patience, son. Jake will tell you the same. But if you really wish to know how to help her, I would talk to Mama. She went through something similar. If she loves you, too, do not give up on her. Five years of imprisonment and cruelty is not easily forgotten.”

  “My thanks, Papa.” He clasped his father’s shoulder, then turned to go back.

  He opened the door, but his sire’s voice stopped him.

  “Connor?”

  “Aye?”

  “Women who endure such cruelties are fierce women, and they gift you with strong sons.”

  How he wished it to be true.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Sela had settled into a routine. Every morn, she would take Claray and Torry for a walk, then she would head to the kitchens and cut vegetables for the mid-day meal. Claray spent that time with the nuns.

  When she finished in the kitchens, she would go to chapel and pray for close to an hour, then gather Claray up and head to the living quarters for her cleaning rituals. She enjoyed cleaning the nuns’ chambers because it was her way of ridding the abbey of spiders.