The Misplaced Man: Who is in charge of his destiny?

by Nick James

  ‘She was very evasive, and hostile towards the end,’ I said.

  He just nodded and then rubbed his eyes. ‘So, why have I received a phone call from the president of the multinational bank she works for, as well as their lawyers and also an email from the Chinese government complaining about us harassing one of their nationals?’ he asked loudly.

  My face just fell as the power that little woman had rained down upon us.

  ‘Did you phone her first?’ he asked.

  I shook my head, still too stunned to talk.

  ‘Why not? That’s the procedure?’ Director Jones asked incredulously.

  ‘You wanted it done quick, so I just headed over there,’ I explained.

  Jones sighed and rubbed his eyes again. ‘Shit, well, it’s done. We can’t approach her again, or him, without it getting messy,’ Jones concluded with another sigh. ‘Okay, just watch him for now, and make sure he’s legit… Have a good weekend, Stuart.’ He then diverted his attention and picked up the phone.

  I walked back to my cubicle and banged my head on the desk. I am so boned.

  Chapter 7

  The Slop Bucket

  Sam Blades

  5:00 p.m.

  ‘Oh shit.’ I sighed as I read the text from Bunny.

  The others looked over at me.

  ‘What’s up, babe?’ asked Emily as she swilled a gin and tonic around her glass.

  ‘Someone from internal security turned up at my girlfriend’s work to question her,’ I said, and then looked at their shocked faces.

  Mark slammed down his drink. ‘Say whaaaaaaaaat!’ he cursed and shook his head making several of the other patrons look over at the sudden noise. ‘Those fuckers shouldn’t be doing that. My missus just got a phone call when I got the job.’

  I saw the others nodding but also smirking at Mark’s metrosexual last comment.

  I did like Mark and chuckled at his anger for me and my love. There was an in-joke about him and his supposed model girlfriend who he always talked about. But strangely nobody had ever seen her, despite him being there three years, and at every works party she was always away on business.

  His stories were always believable, but something was just a bit off. His photos were of her alone or with other people, including the one on his desk. But the main reason we joked was his wolf-whistling myself and other men along with passive aggressive sexual advances and pats on the arse. Anyway, it’s his life and he seems like a very happy man. Only time would tell if ‘Mr Wandering Hands’ was telling the truth.

  Once again, we parted company at the tube station and headed home. I gave the stink eye to the fucking busker who was always there. We shall dance again, my friend, I thought angrily as he murdered another of my beloved tunes.

  I popped in my earphones and followed a wonderfully shaped bottom out of the tube station as I hummed to ‘Who’s That Girl’ by the Eurythmics. With the tune and the hypnotic sway of the girl’s bum, I made the distance home in no time at all. After a short trip up the pee- and puke-ridden lift, and with love in my heart as Mr Bowie sang about his ‘China Girl’, I entered our flat to see mine.

  She was leaning against the back of the sofa watching me with an odd look on her face.

  ‘Hello, my little China girl,’ I sang and twirled around. What I didn’t see was a cushion coming the other way and knocking me over. I looked up into her dark eyes. ‘Guess you’re not happy, my love,’ I said with a weak smile.

  She bent over and looked into my eyes.

  Mine flitted downwards, to her boobies.

  ‘Bedroom now, round eye,’ she said coldly.

  I heard the click of her heels as she walked away.

  ‘Assume the position while I get ready.’ She slammed the bedroom door behind her making me jump.

  I lay my head back on the carpet and sighed with a roguish grin on my face. ‘At least I’ll heal by Monday,’ I reassured myself as I heard the crack of her favourite whip. ‘Shit.’

  Chapter 8

  Friday, 20 December 2019

  Too Many Parties

  Sam Blades

  The last few months had gone well; I was picking up the work easily enough. My work colleagues were fun, but I had been told off a couple of times by my team leader after signing Mr Dreyfuss up for a boat auction website. It wasn’t my fault, though; I thought he needed a bigger boat. The second time I was warned after filling his desk drawer with instant mash packets, which resulted in another big talking to. I guess he wasn’t a Close Encounters fan. ‘People,’ I muttered, tutting. But the rest of my time had gone well. I passed all the training portals and had become a fully-fledged team member.

  Now it was Christmas time, and I had two work parties to attend. The first was mine, and then tomorrow night was Bunny’s. I was under strict orders not to get blitzed or cause trouble, especially at her work party, on pain of death. Truth be told, we hate parties – including the whole black tie thing. It makes me feel like a bloody waiter. Luckily, both parties were in-house as each company held many events and it was cheaper to cater for.

  We left the underground in our finest, myself in a tuxedo and Bunny in a modest but elegant knee-length black dress. She did look hot in black, but she was gently chiding me for the little toy fishing boat that I was going to give my team leader, to the point where I put it in the bin. It was either that or no playing train and tunnel when we got home. Obviously my words, not hers. My girlfriend is very forthright about certain things. She tells me what she wants and when. I love her and my life, I thought. But it was a shame about that toy boat.

  We walked arm in arm with plastic smiles on our faces; we are not fond of people! I led Bunny upstream with the black-suited salmon. Luckily, there was no one I knew. After a chat, we decided to walk up to the seventh floor where the party was being held, as it would lessen the time we had to be involved with other humans, and directors.

  Unfortunately, we made it. I was hoping to pull a muscle or that one of Bunny’s heels would break. We nearly didn’t make it out of the flat after she appeared wearing only her knickers and those heels, asking if I liked them. They elevated her to a now impressive five feet four. Those heels did make my soul thrum away nicely, but they were removed and used to try and fend me off, before locking the bedroom door on me. Quick-thinking little cow.

  No one really blinked as we walked around the darkened room. I saw Bunny staring at some bloke who seemed to pale and turn away sharpish.

  ‘Making friends already, love?’

  She shrugged. ‘That was the bloke who came to my office, little shit,’ Bunny snapped while still staring daggers at the man who had now turned his back on us.

  Another man who looked higher up the chain seemed to turn his back as well.

  ‘Come on, let’s grab a drink and find my team,’ I said, placing my hand on her lower back and steering her towards a champagne carrying waiter. Bloody moving targets, I thought until my China rose snagged one.

  As we moved through the room, I saw Michael McAllister. He raised his glass to me as we passed. It seemed as though he had gone straight on to the whisky. That would explain why his looks were fading and his breath always smelt minty fresh – and I mean every hour of the day. Even my small brain had worked out that he was a functioning alcoholic.

  Suddenly, like an iceberg appearing through the mist, I saw my workmates. Well, okay, first I saw Emily's bangers, which were almost freed for the night. With that much cleavage on show, it should allow those poor buggers on the space station a good perv!

  ‘Blades!’ they all called out, and then showed us both the love. It seemed Emily, the walking breasts, was with Hicks tonight. That made me happy; they were good together.

  ‘Hey, hey, Sam is in the house,’ I called back. I dragged along a giggling Bunny, which was very unlike her. The complete team was here, so we did the whole meet and greet thing. I cast my eye towards Mark. ‘So, where’s Kate tonight?’ I asked, expecting the same old excuses. My mind was already si
nging the bullshit song.

  Mark had just pulled back from hugging Bunny. ‘She’s getting the drinks,’ he said beaming and pointing over to the bar.

  And there she was. A six-foot stunning blonde striding through the crowds in a tight red dress. As I took in the sight, I felt a pain on the top of my foot.

  ‘Put your tongue back in, my love,’ Bunny hissed into my ear before removing her heel.

  Mark was chuckling. He knew no one believed him about Kate, so this was a big ‘fuck you’. The red dress was the icing on the cake, and she was carrying a whole tray of shots.

  ‘Kate,’ he called out.

  She smiled back as she placed the drinks on our table, which were devoured in seconds. Surprisingly, Mrs Dreyfuss threw two back straight off and then spanked her husband’s arse!

  The blonde embraced us both. I chuckled when Bunny’s face was pulled into the woman’s ample cleavage.

  ‘It’s so nice to finally meet you,’ Kate said excitedly, her blue eyes blazing.

  ‘Mark does nothing but talk about you,’ I said with a chuckle. ‘I always thought you were just a figment of his imagination,’ I finished, bringing a smile from Mark and his bird.

  ‘Pfft, he’s got nothing this hot in his wank bank, have you, baby?’ Kate laughed and pulled Mark into a deep kiss.

  Soon we were all sat down drinking shots. Even Bunny, which didn’t bode well for any nuptials that evening. Plus, I felt sorry for anyone who pissed her off later.

  Stories were swapped, and it turned out that Kate had just retired from modelling. She now worked as a buyer for a major store in London.

  Mrs Dreyfuss was an absolute riot. She was a bank manager, and possibly a sexual deviant. Her hands never once left her husband’s body. It just got worse as the night went on, to the point where they disappeared for an hour and came back looking very dishevelled.

  We started to dance and swapped partners, which was fun, but I made sure my hands and mouth behaved themselves. I didn’t dare look down at the giggling Emily. The breast valley below would only lead to pain… My pain.

  It was finally time for slow dancing and hugs. I pulled my beautiful Bunny into my chest as we swayed to the music. Usually at office parties, people fell out or just stumbled about drunk out of their faces. For our little group, the only problem was when Kate thought it would be funny to crash a photo of me and Bunny by putting her breasts either side of my girlfriend’s head.

  The air stilled, but I was proud of my girlfriend for not reacting. Strangely, Mark and Kate disappeared just after that. It was only after all our goodbyes from my very handsy workmates and while we were heading home in a taxi, as I thought a drunk Bunny on the tube wasn’t a very good idea, that she started to apologise.

  ‘I’m sorry, Sam. She was teasing me all night about my height, and I snapped,’ Bunny explained drunkenly.

  ‘What did you do, love?’ I whispered as the taxi wove itself back to Barking. ‘I’m sure it wasn’t too bad?’

  In return, I received nothing but a small snore. She always was an adorable drunk. Luckily for me, she was easy to lift and carry into our block of flats. Unusually, the lift was dry. It still smelt of puke, but dry nevertheless.

  I managed to get her into the bedroom without hitting her head more than once. I slipped off her heels and headed into the kitchen to retrieve headache tablets and water. On my return, she had quickly undressed herself and was snoring away… No fun.

  While this was happening, inside the Shimmering Dreams building sat a lone figure in his office crying. His mind was racing; his life was over. They had him now. They had found out about his past and threatened to tell his lovely wife and kids and, even worse, his boss at Shimmering Dreams. They said that he was being watched at all times and had to keep the information coming. More dreams from celebrities and politicians.

  One mistake had cost him all this. Just one little mistake. His drunken tears were falling onto his desk while he toyed with an ivory domino chip from The Limping Dragon.

  Chapter 9

  Saturday, 21 December 2019

  Sam Blades

  I woke up feeling like I needed to shave my tongue. ‘Yuck,’ I mumbled and was then promptly elbowed in my ribs. Luckily, I didn’t hear her cursing as she had a face full of pillow. The hated alarm clock mocked me screaming that it was 7 a.m., but I knew sleep would still avoid me even if the damn thing hadn’t started.

  The shower took hold of the prior evening’s grime and washed it away, sending it back into the depths of hell where it belonged. Once I felt human, I walked back into the bedroom and saw my beautiful girl happily drooling on my pillow. For a second I thought about taking a picture and making it into a Christmas card, but I am too young to die.

  Breakfast was now on the go. Triple fried egg butty here we come, my friend. It didn’t take long to cook or eat. ‘Breakfast of champions,’ I said to myself.

  I registered the morning radio telling me that it was going to be a cold day. Finally, I picked up my phone to check if anyone had posted any embarrassing photos from work. Surprisingly, there was just a text from Mark. As I read it, my face fell.

  Kate says sorry, she was drunk. The doctor pulled the cocktail umbrella from her thigh, they said it won’t even scar…much. Tell Bunny we are sorry, C U Monday.

  ‘Oh fuck!’ I forwarded the text to Bunny’s phone. Let her feel guilty about that one. Well, I knew she wouldn’t, but a man can dream. Now, time to watch Jaws and chill.

  Social media had been kind to us this year. I was spared since I was relatively unknown in the company. The only picture I found was Bunny and I dancing wildly to ‘YMCA’. That was fun because when Emily was behind Bunny with Hicks, ‘Mr and Mrs Nipple’ came up for air every time she threw her arms up in the air. That was a good dance.

  As Chief Brody and Hooper swam back to shore after leaving a ton load of sushi drifting in the ocean, Bunny walked out of the bathroom with her phone looking a bit sheepish. Our eyes locked. She mouthed, ‘Sorry,’ before disappearing back into the bedroom.

  We never mentioned the altercation again. Bunny texted Mark to get Kate’s number, so they made peace with each other, which Mark and I were so relieved about. But I had to chuckle as I found a picture on my phone of Kate feeding Mark cocktail cherries from her cleavage. Social media here we come – fun times.

  During the day we popped out and finished our Christmas shopping, even though we both felt like shit and everything was loud and bright. Bunny’s parents called to tell us that they had been invited back to Hong Kong to visit relatives. I was gutted because they made amazing Chinese food. As usual Bunny chided me as it was just called food, not Chinese.

  Also, my mum managed to get a package deal with her long-time friend and my surrogate Auntie Lesley to go to Las Vegas, then Boston and finally New York in the new year, leaving Andy, Lesley’s boyfriend, home alone to drink fine wines and play golf with his friend Jamie. Jamie was just as much an avid drinker and golfer as Andy, despite saving premature babies for a living during the evening. Sounds like a superhero? That’s because she is, and she has drunk me under the table on the few times we’ve met.

  Jamie’s husband, Simon, has the same problems with verbal diarrhoea as I do. But, unlike me, he cooks world-class meals that takes days to prepare and only minutes to eat. As he cooks, he slowly replaces his blood with red wine. Despite this, he was still lucid enough to call Bunny a whore over a friendly game of Monopoly and survive. It spoke volumes of how much she liked his cooking and how much she clicked with their daughter, Thalia, who had a talent for art and make-up, but a major aversion for clothes. That visit was a real eye-opener.

  So, it looked like a quiet time for us over the holiday.

  While we were out, Bunny bought an ankle-length black dress with a high front that linked to a choker and plunging back. Oh my God, did she look like a Bond girl! As I moved closer to her, the look I received told me that there was no chance of a knee trembler just then. She walked back in
to the changing room swaying her hips and then disappeared with a flourish of material.

  ‘Booooooooo,’ I said as her middle finger appeared through the curtains.

  It was party time again, this time Bunny’s work ‘do’. I bought Bunny a pair of cheap trainers to wear down to the taxi so her expensive heels didn’t get covered in another new shiny puddle of piss in the lift.

  ‘We really need to move, love.’ I chuckled and watched my beautiful girlfriend nod as she held her new dress up to her knees.

  ‘We’ll see. This place is cheap, though, and fairly close to work,’ she said in her matter-of-fact way.

  ‘I know, but we’ll have a look in the new year. We should be okay with the money we’re both making now,’ I added as the yellow-floored lift ended its journey.

  Walking out of the building into the frosty December air, we got into the waiting cab and set off into the night.

  When the taxi pulled up outside her workplace, I took in the huge building as we got out. ‘Holy fuck, Bunny, how big is this bank?’ I asked, not having a clue about finance. All she ever said was that they did okay and she was a personal assistant for a director.

  ‘We have this office and one in Hong Kong, plus some small branches in China itself and in America,’ she said, and then stomped her feet to settle into her heels after ditching the trainers.

  I let her lead us up through a spectacular reception that looked like a rainforest. A couple of stunning blondes sat at reception and gave Bunny a wave, who replied in kind, and we travelled in a pristine lift to a floor bathed in low blue light and soft music. There was both Chinese and English being spoken, but I did feel like the dumbest person in the room – well, until I saw some girl try to do the strap up on her heels and fall into the fountain. Where’s my phone when I need it?

  I was introduced to many people including her boss, the fucking vice chairman of the bank! I looked at her; she just shrugged and took a sip of her champagne. We managed to find a dark corner where we could keep out of the social riptide. She had done her job: turned up and showed her face. And my face, which also surprised her co-workers.