Nate's Deputy (2019 Reissue)

by Lavinia Lewis

  Jared wasn’t sure how long he held his brother, but when they’d both cried the last of their tears and Tristan had finally fallen back to sleep, the early morning sun was peeking through the gap in the drapes, highlighting the coppery tones in Tristan’s otherwise dark brown hair.

  Chapter Eight

  Nate scrubbed a hand over his face as he stumbled down the hall to the kitchen. He’d polished off a fifth of Jack when he’d got back last night, hoping it would help him pass out, but no such luck.

  He hadn’t slept worth a damn, and he felt like shit.

  His head pounded and his mouth was as dry as the Nevada Desert. Nate had spent a large part of the night thinking about Jared and an even larger part trying to forget him, but that had been an exercise in futility right from the get-go.

  The deputy was a fine-looking man and the more Nate tried not to think of him, the more his mind went there. It was those goddamn eyes that were the problem. Nate had never seen eyes that shade of green before—they were intoxicating, and of course his stupid dick agreed with him.

  Nate was a man. He’d had erections before, but none that wouldn’t go away no matter how much he stroked off. By morning, he wasn’t sure what ached more—his hand or his dick.

  When he entered the shared kitchen, Aaron was standing at the stove making eggs. The last thing Nate needed or wanted was to make small talk, but he still had to apologize to the young wolf and there was no time like the present.

  “Aaron, you got a minute? There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

  Nate honestly hadn’t thought he could feel any worse, but when Aaron spun around, eyes round and mouth open wide enough to catch flies, he felt like the biggest piece of crap imaginable. Aaron seemed genuinely surprised that Nate was addressing him. Had he treated the kid that badly that he was actually shocked Nate would have something to say to him?

  Wow.

  Nate had fucked up royally.

  Aaron averted his gaze. “Um, yeah, okay… I mean…whatever.”

  “Don’t suppose you could spare a cup of that coffee, could you?”

  Nate nodded to the still steaming pot on the countertop. He pulled out a chair from the kitchen table then sat down heavily on it.

  “Uh…yeah, sure.”

  Aaron poured out a cupful and handed it to Nate then stood in the middle of the room, coffee pot still in hand.

  “Well, aren’t you going to join me?”

  Aaron’s eyebrows rose so high they practically disappeared behind his hairline. “Okay…”

  He stood for a moment looking at the pot in his hand then sprang into action. He discarded the pot then pulled the eggs off the heat before joining Nate at the table.

  “You look like shit by the way.”

  “Jeez, thanks, kid…just what a guy wants to hear first thing in the morning.”

  Aaron’s face turned beet red. “Sorry, I just meant the cut on your face. What happened to you?”

  Nate had forgotten about the gash on his cheek, which was a good thing—at least it had stopped hurting—but the skin there felt tight, wrong.

  He dismissed the question with a swish of his hand.

  “Was nothing, got myself involved in a fight last night is all. It’s already healed.”

  As Aaron stared at the cut, his eyes widened comically. Okay, maybe it hadn’t healed as well as Nate had thought.

  “What did you want to talk to me about?”

  “Actually, I wanted to apologize.”

  Aaron frowned. “What for?”

  “The way I’ve been treating you. Occurs to me I haven’t been as friendly to you as I could have been. I’m sorry about that.”

  Nate picked up his coffee and took a sip. The strong, bitter liquid tasted like a little piece of heaven.

  “Was never my intention to make you feel uncomfortable.”

  Aaron shrugged. “I thought it was because you were jealous because you wanted Cary for yourself.”

  Nate nearly choked, spluttering as the coffee went down the wrong hole.

  “Jesus Christ, kid, warn a man before you go and make a stupid ass comment in future.”

  Aaron growled.

  His eyes darkened and his hand clenched into a fist on the table.

  “What’s so stupid about that? Cary’s gorgeous and sexy and smart and—”

  “Whoa!” Nate raised a hand to silence Aaron. “Don’t put words in my mouth. I never said there was anything wrong with Cary, but Jesus, he’s nearly young enough to be my son.

  “You surely couldn’t have thought I’d be interested in him in that way. What sort of man do ya take me for?”

  “Sorry, I just thought—”

  “Well don’t think—not if that’s the sort of shit your mind comes up with.”

  “So what’s the reason then?”

  Aaron eyed Nate defiantly, straightening his shoulders and meeting Nate’s gaze head-on.

  Nate had to give the kid props—he certainly knew how to posture, and he had an authoritative tone to his voice that exuded confidence and power and told Nate the kid would make a good alpha someday.

  “You remind me of someone,” Nate pursed his lips. “Well, not just someone…of my brother, Rick.”

  Nate took another sip of coffee but instead of sliding down his throat smoothly like the nectar of the gods he’d come to know and love, it felt thicker than tar and was as sour as month-old milk.

  He was barely able to swallow it down.

  Aaron’s shoulders slumped and he stared at Nate apologetically. “I’m sorry.”

  Nate shook his head. “See, that’s the thing. You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s me that needs to apologize. It’s my hang-up. When we were younger, my brother and I were close.

  “Rick was funny, vivacious, so full of life he was a joy to be around. He was always so brave and idealistic and he stood up for what he believed in, too. More often than not, he got what he wanted because he was just that type of person.

  “People warmed to him, see? They liked him and I see so many of those qualities in you that sometimes it’s hard to look at you.”

  “I see.”

  Nate nodded. “You even look like him a bit, too. When he was your age, that is. First time I saw you when you showed up at the bunkhouse door, it gave me chills. It was all I could do not to slam the door in your face.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

  Nate smiled sadly. “When you can’t even look at someone, how hard do you think it is to actually talk to them?”

  Aaron nodded. “I can understand that I guess, but what made you tell me now?”

  “Let’s just say a certain someone showed me the error of my ways.”

  Aaron’s face lit up like the fourth of July—his eyes sparkling. “Cary,” he said around a happy sigh.

  Nate grinned. “Yep, you’ve got a good ‘un there. Treat him right, kid, and I suggest you tell him every day how special he is.”

  Aaron mirrored Nate’s grin. “I do.”

  “Aaron? I thought you were making break— Oh! Hi, Nate!” Cary gasped and rushed to Nate’s side. “Oh my God! What happened to your face?”

  Jesus, was the gash on his cheek really that bad?

  He hadn’t even bothered to check the mirror when he’d crawled out of bed. “I think that’s my cue. Aaron will fill you in, I reckon. I’m gonna go grab five minutes before I have to get to work.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  Cary walked around the table and planted himself easily in Aaron’s lap.

  Nate could feel their eyes on him as he rose from the table and placed his coffee cup in the sink. He grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator on his way out of the room.

  “Remember what I told you, Aaron,” Nate said, nodding at Cary.

  Aaron wound his arms around Cary’s waist and planted a kiss on his mate’s cheek. “Yeah…and Nate…?”

  Nate paused on his way out the door. “Yeah, kid?”

  “Thanks.
”

  Nodding, Nate turned and left the lovebirds to their breakfast.

  He was halfway to his room to rest a while before he had to start his chores when on a last-minute whim he retraced his steps and headed outside to get some air.

  Standing on the porch, he guzzled down half the water in his bottle while drinking in the golden rays of the early morning sun as it made its first appearance on the horizon.

  Sun-up had always been his favorite time of day.

  The appeal, he supposed, was the new beginning with its endless possibilities, even though one day was usually pretty much the same as the last.

  Today, however, Nate couldn’t find any comfort in the morning.

  The new day loomed over him—a gloomy, stark reminder of the fuck-up he’d made of his life, of the mess he’d made of his relationship with Rick and of the things he’d given up…

  Of Jared.

  Leaning back against the wall of the bunkhouse, Nate closed his eyes and tried to swallow down his anxiety. His only consolation in this whole fucking mess was that Jared would be better off without him. Jared had Tristan to take care of and something told Nate that was a full-time undertaking.

  “Nate? You got a minute?”

  When Nate opened his eyes, Kelan was striding purposefully toward him.

  “Sure boss, what’s up?”

  Kelan climbed the porch steps and nodded to the bench seat that ran along part of the wall. “You mind if we sit?”

  Nate shrugged and took a seat next to his alpha.

  Kelan’s lips were pursed and he was silent for a moment while he looked out past the corral, then he turned to study Nate’s face.

  “The wound on your cheek is healing, but it would do better if you shifted.”

  “I know, but I had other things on my mind last night.”

  Nate squirmed in his seat.

  What the hell had he gone and said that for?

  Kelan nodded. “Yeah, and I’m betting it had a lot to do with a certain Deputy Ambrose.”

  Nate’s head swiveled in Kelan’s direction. “How did you…?”

  Kelan met Nate’s gaze and held it with ease. “I was there, remember? Right next to you when you realized. So, Jared’s your mate?”

  “Yep, but it doesn’t matter. Neither one of us is in a position to do anything about that.”

  Kelan sighed. “Timing might not be right, but don’t say it doesn’t matter because it does. It matters.”

  What the hell was he supposed to say to that?

  This conversation was going down a road Nate didn’t want to travel, so he decided to put an end to it.

  “I don’t want to talk about this, Kelan. Is there something else you wanted me for?”

  Kelan narrowed his eyes and Nate had a feeling he hadn’t heard the last on this topic, but for now, the alpha seemed content to let it drop.

  “Yeah, but I don’t think you’re going to like what I have to ask any better.”

  “Try me.”

  “I’d like you to consider becoming my beta.”

  Nate shook his head. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

  Kelan shrugged. “I do.”

  “Kelan, I can’t, I don’t—“

  “Please, hear me out before you decide anything,” Kelan interrupted. “I’ve always had three betas. As you know, your brother Rick was my second in command. When Rick was killed, I was left with two.

  “That would normally be enough to manage a pack this size, but Eric, who took over Rick’s position, has mated with a girl from out of state. Turns out she won’t even consider leaving her current pack so that means I’m losing Eric, too.

  “And Pete…well, Pete does what he can, but he’s got his own interests and I know he was never that keen on taking up the position in the first place.

  “I’m short, Nate. I need help.”

  “What about Stefan?” Nate enquired. “Wasn’t he the alpha of his last pack?”

  Kelan nodded. “He was. Stefan was never meant to be alpha—the position should have been his brother’s, but he was killed in an accident when they were young.

  “Stefan would make a great beta and he’s already agreed to step in, albeit reluctantly. He was tired of the politics in his last pack and he was relieved to be away from it all, so I’m grateful to him for the help.

  “The problem is, two or even three betas aren’t enough anymore. In the last few years, the number of shifters in town has all but doubled, and I hate to say it, but these last couple of months have been hell.

  “There has been more trouble than ever before. I’m constantly being called on to break up fights and mediate when a couple o’ hotheads can’t see eye to eye, and now I’ve got the damn wolf council looking over my shoulder, too.

  “They’re just waiting for me to screw up. I need the extra help and I don’t mind admitting it.”

  Nate sighed.

  He didn’t want the job.

  A beta was a very involved position as they were essentially the enforcers of the pack. Nate didn’t feel up to the task. Hell, he didn’t even know if he was going to stick around town. Now that he knew of Jared’s existence, the best thing for both of them would be for Nate to disappear. It would be hard to have to keep running into the man all the time, knowing he could never be with him.

  Trouble was, Nate felt partly responsible for Kelan’s predicament. If he’d been there for his brother when he’d needed him then maybe Rick wouldn’t have done what he did and Kelan wouldn’t have a beta position to fill at all. Now that he came to think of it, he was surprised Kelan was even asking him.

  How could Kelan trust him after everything his brother had done to his family?

  “Why me?” Nate asked. “Why would you ask this of me?”

  “What you really want to know is, why would I trust you after what your brother did, isn’t it?”

  Damn it, but Kelan was sharp.

  Nate gave a quick nod. “Yeah, guess that’s what I was asking.”

  Kelan let out a slow, deep breath and turned once again to study the corral. Nate thought the alpha wasn’t going to answer the question at first, but after several long moments, Kelan started to speak.

  “You know that Rick was my best friend.”

  “Sure. I remember the scrapes you used to get in when you were kids, too…drove Pop mad.”

  Kelan chuckled. “Yeah, Rick and I had a lot of history together. Did you know we were lovers?”

  Nate stared at Kelan, unsure he’d heard the man right. “Say what?”

  Kelan smiled sadly. “Oh, it was never anything serious, we both knew that. Just killing time, I guess, until we met our mates.”

  “I didn’t know,” Nate whispered.

  “Don’t suppose anyone did.”

  “Why are you telling me this now?”

  Kelan turned and met Nate’s gaze. “Because it’s something you need to hear. Because I can see the same guilt in you that I had in me for the first few months after Rick was killed, but I had to let it go, and so do you.”

  Nate frowned.

  What would Kelan have to feel guilty about?

  “I thought I knew everything about Rick,” Kelan continued. “I thought we had no secrets from each other, but I guess I was wrong.”

  Nate wasn’t sure he wanted to hear any more, but he couldn’t stop the questions that came spilling from his lips.

  “What do you mean? What secrets?”

  “Would you believe I had no idea that you and Rick had fallen out? Not a damn clue. When he told me the ranch was in trouble, I felt bad for Rick, but I didn’t have the money to help him out.

  “All my money was tied up in this place and a few business interests in town. And through it all, Rick kept talking about how he couldn’t lose the ranch, how he couldn’t do that to his family…to you.

  “All the while he wasn’t even talking to you, and I should have known that you see? He should have fucking told me that. Why didn’t he tell me?

>   “I even asked him once why he hadn’t asked you for the money because I knew you had it. He told me how much inheritance you both got when your mom died and I kept thinking, ‘why don’t you ask Nate for the money? He’d give it to you in a heartbeat.’”

  Nate tried to wrap his head around what Kelan had just told him but it didn’t make any sense. If they were so close, why wouldn’t Rick have told Kelan about their argument?

  It had been two years since they’d spoken.

  Two years…

  “If he’d told me he wasn’t in contact with you, I would have tried harder to help him. I would have sold something or gone to the bank myself… I would have done everything in my power to get him the money, but he never said a goddamn thing—just pretended like everything was fucking hunky-dory, only it wasn’t, was it?”

  Nate felt like he was going to throw up.

  He took deep, calming breaths while he unscrewed the cap on his bottle then downed the contents in one.

  It didn’t help.

  “I’m sorry to lay all this on you now but you needed to know. I see all of this guilt in you and I know what that feels like because I felt the same way. But you know what? You’ve got to let go of it or it’s gonna eat you up inside.

  “I came to realize that it wasn’t my fault Rick didn’t tell me how badly he needed that money, and it wasn’t your fault either. Rick should have said something—to both of us—but he didn’t. He was too proud—too damn stubborn for his own good.

  “And then he went and made the worst goddamn decision of his life and I fucking hated him for doing that. I hated him.”

  Kelan spat out the last sentence then seemed to lose all the wind out of his sails and he slumped forward on the bench, scrubbing his hand roughly over his eyes.

  “I hated him,” he whispered, “but I forgave him, and you need to forgive him, too.”

  Nate’s throat felt raw when he asked the next question. “Why didn’t he say anything to us?”

  Kelan shrugged. “Pride? Shame? I don’t think he wanted you to see him as a failure, and I think he didn’t tell me that the two of you weren’t speaking because he knew I’d interfere. He knew I’d find you and knock your goddamn heads together.”

  Kelan got up, crossed the length of the porch then stopped on the top of the steps.