Live and Let Lie

by F. A. Bentley

  “I can provide an example of said art, should you so desire.”

  “You’re a Lesser Devil. You’ve got no problem lying, right? I can’t believe a damn thing you say.”

  “Then how about this: Charles Montgomery Locke, I, Lisistrathiel, swear to God that I will only tell the truth for the next five minutes.”

  I felt a growl rise up in my throat. “You know what? Fine. Do your worst. I’m far more interested in your relationship with this Tru though. You seem pretty close for co-workers.”

  Lis wiggled her eyebrows. “We do?”

  “Yes. I realize you do things besides ruin my good time on a daily basis, but it’s hard for me to imagine you and him…”

  “Charlie, do I detect a hint of jealousy in your voice?”

  “Of course not. But let’s just say if Tru wasn’t the High Seraph of Truth I’d be fairly certain him and you were intimate at some point.”

  “Intimate?” Lis tapped her chin. “I’m not sure I follow.”

  I grit my teeth. “Intimate. Close. Well acquainted. You’ve ‘met’. Hooked up? Wore his t-shirt the morning after? Made him breakfast while wearing nothing but an apron? Done the horizontal monster mash?!”

  Lis’ grin waxed gibbous. The trap swung shut.

  “But Charlie,” she said, her voice like molten honey.

  “I’m a virgin.”

  Chapter 20

  Please excuse this jarring break from the events of the story. It is with great sadness that I must announce the sudden and tragic death of me, the protagonist.

  You see, Lisistrathiel produced a paradox of such magnitude that the moment my brain registered those three unspeakable words it proceeded to implode into itself. Thus leaving me a mindless zombie doomed to forever shuffle upon the roof of the Ikonoberets. Indeed, it is entirely possible that the events leading up to this precise moment were in truth the memories of my short sad life flashing before my eyes.

  But Charlie, the words echoed in my mind, Lisistrathiel’s forked tongue lolling out of her mouth as she reveled in her masterstroke of misdirection.

  I’m a virgin.

  What a fool I was to underestimate that she-devil, even going so far as daring her to do her worst in a fit of pride. Worse still, the bald faced lie those three words came together to produce was inexplicably said during the five minute time period within which Lisistrathiel supposedly could tell no lie, thus transforming a sick joke into God’s honest truth.

  Pure insanity. It simply did not compute. How can anyone expect me to believe that the red hot, pajama sporting, yoga stretch endorsing , hypothetical eleven out of ten piece of Infernal ass who single handedly filled my life from the tender age of sixteen with sexy encounter after pants tightening sexy encounter, was on the same level of purity as Mary the Virgin Mother of Jesus fucking Christ!

  My mind reeled. My heart threatened to pop like a cheap party balloon. Vaguely I became aware that Lis, her face torn in half by the massive grin she bore, was expecting some sort of response from me.

  Steady now Charles. Don’t let her see you falter.

  I gulped the saliva that had flooded my mouth and with a superhuman effort rallied my wit enough to finally, eloquently retort: “No.”

  Lis barely contained a gale of laughter. “No?”

  “No no. Oh no. No you don’t. I can’t. This is…”

  The ground rushed up to meet me. With those three words Lis had me on all fours, struggling to breathe.

  “Wow Charlie,” Lis gushed, “I didn’t think you were the type of guy that’d practically faint with desire after I spilled the beans and admitted I’m… Well, you know. Guess I should count my blessings you didn’t just knock me over to partake in the ‘ horizontal monster mash’ right here and now.”

  Suddenly I became aware of a weight settling upon me. I turned my eyes up to see Lisistrathiel’s sexy black stiletto digging into my shoulder, marring the tux she bought with my damn credit card. The silk of her dress fell to the side revealing her long leg all the way up to her thigh.

  “I was just joking about getting you on your knees before, but I guess you were quite serious about the whole marriage thing, huh?” Lis said, Hellfire dancing in her eyes. “Well while you’re down there let me address that little misconception I’ve noticed squatting in the back of your brain. Charles Montgomery Locke, I am not the type of gal that’d joke around like this with just anybody. Especially not anybody like Abla. I’ve never had and never will have interest in someone like him. Got it?”

  I began to understand what Lis meant by deception. She proved beyond a doubt that something I wouldn’t have believed in my wildest dreams was the naked truth. Therefore if a Lesser Devil of Temptation could run circles around me like this then it should be all the more trivial for someone like The High Seraph of Truth to trick me. To claim mastery over absolute truth is to also know untruth in all its facets, after all.

  Human perception really was built on pillars of sand.

  “I get your point,” I finally said. “At least I think I do.”

  “Let me solidify it with a nice wholesome passage then. First Epistle of John, chapter four line one: As a man is, so he sees. As the eye is formed, such are its powers,” Lis replied.

  I frowned. “That’s William Blake, not the bible. And an obscure quote at that.”

  Lis grinned wickedly. “Just checking to make sure your brain didn’t melt out your ears after I gave you that latest little revelation. Charlie, the truth is an extremely fragile thing. It’s easily warped by a clever mind until it is pretty much indistinguishable from a flat out fib. I’ll say it again. Even if Angels can’t lie, they can definitely deceive you in ways fancy enough to deserve a round of applause.”

  “I guess that means a Devil like you had me completely wrapped around your little finger seconds after you first put your mind to it,” I said, laughing weakly.

  Lis hooked her arm beneath mine and lifted me back up to my feet. “Within the first twenty sentences I spoke to you. Feeling better?”

  Surprisingly I did. Though I’d never admit it to her.

  “Tell me everything you know about the Lord Illusionist,” I said. “He knew I was coming and almost killed me before I could so much as open my travel bag.”

  Lis stuck her literally forked tongue out in reply. “No way. I’m not your super convenient search engine. I will say this though: Siccing you against the Lord Illusionist? Terrible idea. NT must be too desperate to care. Or something.”

  “Why do you say that?” I replied.

  “Because, Charlie. This is the first time you’re up against someone with quicker wits and a better brain for trickery than you. You’re outclassed,” Lis said.

  She was right of course. I’d suspected as much already.

  “And that, Charlie,” Lis carried on, “is precisely why I’ve decided to tempt you out of your soul in an especially round about way this time.”

  My blood froze. My heart skipped a beat.

  “No need to thank me,” Lis said, grinning ear to ear. “That look on your face is thanks enough.”

  Chapter 21

  Damn I’d forgotten all about her promised trick. The most dangerous thing about Lis was how familiar she could feel. Despite all the help she gives me, even going so far as to talk me out of a depression, or offer me genuinely wise advice, she only ever seems to lift me up so that she could just knock me back down again.

  “Do I look like a bowling pin to you?” I said.

  Lis flashed her sharp fangs. “Maybe. Charlie, for a sorcerous secret agent of Nine Towers, your ability to detect deception is pretty weak.”

  She even punctuated her sentence with a thumbs down for emphasis

  “Gee thanks.”

  “That’s why I’m going to try and deceive you. Once per conversation. For the next three conversations. Consider it practice for your future enemies, and your future friends too,” Lis said.

  I furrowed my brows. “What’s that got to do with get
ting me eternally damned?”

  “Well it’s not much of a game without rewards,” Lis said, “And punishments. You figure out what I’m saying to deceive you and I’ll answer any one question you have. About the Lord Illusionist. About your little antimage friend. You could even ask me to tell you the color and type of underwear I’m wearing right now. Tonight for example I wanted to impress you so I decided to go with--”

  “Straight to Hell!”

  Lis cackled like a super villain. “But, if you guess wrong, I’ll give you a teeny tiny handicap. A mental one. That way you’re more likely to die. And if you die your sins will remain unredeemed thus earning you a one way ticket to that great big fiery pool party in the ground. Deal?”

  I couldn’t afford any more disadvantages, but Lis knew anything about everything. If I played my cards right I could tap into a vast well of information and finally get some honest answers. It was as close to finding a Genie giving out wishes as I was ever going to get.

  “Deal,” I said.

  Lis smiled almost sweetly before turning her gaze up to the sky. The stars were beautiful. Expansive. Limitless. It made me feel small. It made Lisistrathiel seem small too.

  Maybe Tru really wasn’t being completely honest. Perhaps he was being blinded by his hatred for Devils. To me though, no matter how I looked at the black haired woman in the starry dress before me, I just couldn’t see someone purely evil.

  Of course I couldn’t exactly rely on a Devil to pave my road to salvation either. That left me one option: Thinking for myself. Just a few weeks ago I was sure that Lis was beyond reproach, like some primeval deity that you sacrifice a cow to once a year on the off chance she’ll grant you a better harvest or something. Yet Adevaratiel called her a Lesser Devil, the lowest rank of Infernal fiend. More important still, she had been one stray hit away from getting decapitated by the False Angel in Venice. She saved my life, but in so doing, practically put her powerlessness on parade for me.

  Maybe there was a way I could fight back against Lis. Maybe while she was trying to tempt me out of my soul, I could tempt her right back. Maybe she wanted salvation, redemption and to play a harp on a cloud as much I did.

  My heart picked up speed. Damn it all, why hadn’t I thought of this before? The more I gazed at Lis’ bare back and thin frame in the biting wind, the more fragile she looked. I was onto something special. I could feel it. Something that could really change things around for me. And maybe her too.

  Deep inside the depths of my consciousness, I made a promise to myself. No matter what, I’ll find a way to redeem the Lesser Devil Lisistrathiel.

  “By the way, Charlie, where did you leave that chihuahua tied up?”

  Oh. I’d almost forgotten about Zophie Nuhl.

  “I didn’t. She was running after our assassins when I ditched her to come have my evening ruined by you,” I replied.

  Lis literally gasped. “You just abandoned that cute, sweet, innocent and lovable girl who just wanted to be friends with you? For shame.”

  “Not a single adjective in that sentence could be used to accurately describe that woman. Besides, both assassins had a foot in the grave. If she wants to go all Fem-Rambo on them that’s her choice.”

  “I think you’re not telling me something,” Lis said.

  I smiled. “Also, Phil gave me the mage equivalent of a homing beacon. I know exactly where she is at all times. Plus, she has my number. If she’s in real trouble, she can just--”

  My cell phone vibrated. It was Nuhl. A glance passed between Lis and me. No call. Just a prerecorded vid sent from her phone. I opened it and watched.

  The camera shook, before focusing on a trio of people handcuffed to a concrete pillar. I recognized Zophie Nuhl among them.

  “Charles Locke. Agent of Nine Towers,” spoke a commanding voice. “You have until one in the morning to come to the attached address and surrender yourself. If you do so, I guarantee your life. Should you refuse however, the lives of these three enemies of the Coalition will be ended.”

  The camera turned to face a short man with a white beard and the robes that served as the uniform of the Nine Towers Archmagisters.

  Nikita Gogol. The Lord Illusionist himself.

  “Choose wisely,” he said. “Choose well.”

  Chapter 22

  Tires squealed as I took a hard left down the busy intersection, my foot laying onto the accelerator like a leaden brick.

  No. Of course I wasn’t on my way to surrender. I was on my way to go nip this whole mess in the bud.

  To think that Phil’s homing beacon would be the keystone to this mission. Finally, an actual stroke of genuine luck. Using the beacon, I easily figured out exactly where Zophie Nuhl was being kept, and by relation, where the Lord Illusionist was too.

  He’d never expect me to find out where he’s been hiding so quickly. He was vulnerable. I could practically smell blood in the air.

  Unfortunately, I only knew the direction I had to go in to get closer to Nuhl. Exactly where she was being kept was a surprise left for me to uncover at the very last minute. When I finally pulled up to the place closest to her position, I was ever so slightly taken aback.

  A vast carcass of rusted rebar and cement spilled out before me. It had been gutted, it had been scavenged, it was filled with graffiti, and it looked abandoned for at least a decade. The sound of strained iron bars and the crackle of freezing water echoed from within. Faded lettering above what might once have been a main entrance spelled out the word AKVADROME.

  “Abandoned water park,” I said out loud.

  The Lord Illusionist did not pull punches. I licked my lips, turned my eyes upward to the topmost surviving floor, and grabbed my wand from the glove compartment.

  “Lovely place to go for a picnic with Fran,” I muttered under my breath, staring at the graffiti of a bear hanging from a noose.

  The darkness was the biggest danger. Turning on a light would make it a joke locating me. I doubted Nikita would show up in person somewhere without guards either. And who knows what else might be hanging around in the dark corners of the ruined water park?

  The grand pools on the first floor were filled with murky rainwater, frozen but I doubt they were solid ice all the way down. Still, easy enough to keep away from until I found a tiled path winding up to the second floor. That’s where things got harder. Jacuzzi pools dotted the way ahead almost at random.

  Neat little lines or at least a designated path around them? God forbid. I hope whoever first came up with the idea of non-linear architecture was burning in Hell.

  I’d made it about halfway down the Jacuzzi minefield when the groan of creaking iron caught my ear. Holding up my cell phone as a dim light source, I caught sight of a hatch like door leading into a hollow iron cylinder with a rung ladder leading up.

  It looked like a damn missile silo, but beggars can’t be choosers. This was my ticket to the top.

  The climb felt like it went on forever. It must have been meant as a fun children’s obstacle course once upon a time, but now it looked like the perfect place for a well refined horror flick chase scene.

  I flashed my phone light below me. No ax murderers. I reached the top of the silo without harassment. That’s where I encountered a new problem.

  The top was screwed on like a naval ship’s door, the massive hunk of circular metal that made for a door knob was stuck fast.

  “Steady now,” I whispered to myself.

  Silence was absolutely key. Who knows how close I was to my objective. Getting found out now would probably ensure that I receive a quick and messy death. Drawing my wand and focusing magics into it, the tip grew a supernaturally sharp blade that I used to slice the hinges off the rusted cap.

  Carefully pushing it aside, I squeezed through the narrow opening and took in my surroundings. Broken windows and lockers lined the walls. The cold night air had a real bite up here. Crouching low, I saw a large concrete pillar in the middle of an open space. I could just make out
movement at the base of it.

  Bingo. That’s where Nuhl was being kept. And others too. The only problem was that this was a trap. A very obvious one. It had ambush written all over it in big rainbow colored lettering.

  The more I looked at it though, the more I began to get a strange feeling in my gut. The stage was set for an ambush all right. But where were the hunters? No, not just them. I hadn’t seen head or tail of anybody in the water park. No guards patrolling. No sentries skulking. No minions, no nothing. Just frozen water and snow. Where the hell was Lord Illusionist Nikita Gogol?

  A sudden realization struck me. I smiled.

  They weren’t here. Nobody was here. They never dreamed of me finding their hideout so quick and easy. They’re out for a coffee, or a stiff drink, or maybe even setting up a trap at the address they told me to go surrender at.

  “Perfect.”

  I rose up from my hiding spot, walked confidently to the concrete pillar, and crouched beside Zophie Nuhl. I shook her.

  “Nuhl. Wake up.”

  She did. “Locke. Where the hell were you? Wait. How did you find me?”

  “You know, if you’re more interested in asking questions than getting rescued I can just leave you here,” I suggested.

  Nuhl grit her teeth, glaring at me like I cut in line at the ice cream parlor.

  “Get these handcuffs loose. Where’s the Lord Illusionist?”

  “Gone,” spoke a man’s voice as I liberated the handcuffs from Zophie’s wrists.

  I turned to see a short round man wearing the telltale robes and headgear of an Orthodox priest. He had a black beard, beady hazel eyes, and he sat stoic despite all the rope tied to him

  “I’m Charles Locke. Tell me what you know, Father,” I said.

  “Catholic boy, I take it?” The priest replied as I sliced his ropes apart with my wand sword. “Call me Popov. And I’m not your damn Father.”

  “Perfect. Now I have two prickly assholes to put up with. But why stop there?” I said, pouring on extra sarcasm. “If the last hostage is a jerk too then it’ll be a hat trick.”