The Attaché; or, Sam Slick in England — Complete
Page 9
CHAPTER IX. CHANGING A NAME.
The rain having confined us to the house this afternoon, we sat overour wine after dinner longer than usual. Among the different topicsthat were discussed, the most prominent was the state of the politicalparties in this country. Mr. Slick, who paid great deference to theopinions of Mr. Hopewell, was anxious to ascertain from him whathe thought upon the subject, in order to regulate his conduct andconversation by it hereafter.
"Minister," said he, "what do you think of the politics of the British?"
"I don't think about them at all, Sam. I hear so much of such matters athome, that I am heartily tired of them; our political world is dividedinto two classes, the knaves and the dupes. Don't let us talk of suchexciting, things."
"But, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "holdin' the high and dignified stationI do, as Attache, they will be a-pumpin' me for everlastinly, will thegreat men here, and they think a plaguy sight more of our opinion thanyou are aware on; we have tried all them things they are a jawin' abouthere, and they naterally want to know the results. Cooper says not oneTory called on him when he was to England, but Walter Scott; and thatI take it, was more lest folks should think he was jealous of him, thanany thing else; they jist cut him as dead as a skunk; but among theWhigs, he was quite an oracle on ballot, univarsal suffrage, and allother democratic institutions."
"Well, he was a ninny then, was Cooper, to go and blart it all out tothe world that way; for if no Tory visited him, I should like you to askhim the next time you see him, how many gentlemen called upon him? Jistask him that, and it will stop him from writing such stuff any more."
"But, Minister, jist tell us now, here you are, as a body might say inEngland, now what are you?"
"I am a man, Sam; _Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto_."
"Well, what's all that when it's fried?"
"Why, that when away from home, I am a citizen of the world. I belong tono party, but take an interest in the whole human family."
"Well, Minister, if you choose to sing dumb, you can, but I should liketo have you answer me one question now, and if you won't, why you mustjist do t'other thing, that's all. Are you a Consarvative?"
"No."
"Are you a Whig?"
"No."
"A Radical?"
"God forbid!"
"What in natur' are you then?"
"A Tory."
"A Tory! well, I thought that a Tory and a Consarvative, were as theIndgians say, "all same one brudder." Where is the difference?"
"You will soon find that out, Sam; go and talk to a Consarvative asa Tory, and you will find he is a Whig: go and talk to him again as aWhig, and you will find he is a Tory. They are, for all the world, likea sturgeon. There is very good beef steaks in a sturgeon, and very goodfish too, and yet it tante either fish or flesh. I don't like takinga new name, it looks amazing like taking new principles, or, at allevents, like loosenin' old ones, and I hante seen the creed of this newsect yet--I don't know what its tenets are, nor where to go and look for'em. It strikes me they don't accord with the Tories, and yet arn't intune with the Whigs, but are half a note lower than the one, and halfa note higher than t'other. Now, changes in the body politic are alwaysnecessary more or less, in order to meet the changes of time, and thechanges in the condition of man. When they are necessary, make 'em, andha' done with 'em. Make 'em like men, not when you are forced to do so,and nobody thanks you, but when you see they are wanted, and are proper;but don't alter your name.
"My wardens wanted me to do that; they came to me, and said 'Minister,'says they, 'we don't want _you_ to change, we don't ask it; jist letus call you a Unitarian, and you can remain Episcopalian still. We aretired of that old fashioned name, it's generally thought unsuited tothe times, and behind the enlightment of the age; it's only fit forbenighted Europeans. Change the name, you needn't change any thing else.What is a name?'
"'Every thing,' says I, 'every thing, my brethren; one name belongs to aChristian, and the other don't; that's the difference. I'd die beforeI surrendered my name; for in surrenderin' that, I surrender myprinciples.'"
"Exactly," said Mr. Slick, "that's what Brother Eldad used to say.'Sam,' said he, 'a man with an _alias_ is the worst character in theworld; for takin' a new name, shows he is ashamed of his old one; andhavin' an old one, shows his new one is a cheat.'"
"No," said Mr. Hopewell, "I don't like that word Consarvative. Themfolks may be good kind of people, and I guess they be, seein' that theTories support 'em, which is the best thing I see about them; but Idon't like changin' a name."
"Well, I don't know," said Mr. Slick, "p'raps their old name was soinfarnal dry rotted, they wanted to change it for a sound new one. Yourecollect when that super-superior villain, Expected Thorne, broughtan action of defamation agin' me, to Slickville, for takin' away hischaracter, about stealing the watch to Nova Scotia; well, I jist pleadedmy own case, and I ups and sais, 'Gentlemen of the Jury,' sais I,"Expected's character, every soul knows, is about the wust in allSlickville. If I have taken it away, I have done him a great sarvice,for he has a smart chance of gettin' a better one; and if he don't finda swap to his mind, why no character is better nor a bad one.'
"Well, the old judge and the whole court larfed right out like anythin'; and the jury, without stirrin' from the box, returned a vardictfor the defendant. P'raps now, that mought be the case with the Tories."
"The difference," said Mr. Hopewell, is jist this:--your friend, Mr.Expected Thorne, had a name he had ought to have been ashamed of, andthe Tories one that the whole nation had very great reason to beproud of. There is some little difference, you must admit. My Englishpolitics, (mind you, I say English, for they hare no reference toAmerica,) are Tory, and I don't want to go to Sir Robert Peel, or LordJohn Russell either."
"As for Johnny Russell," said Mr. Slick, "he is a clever little chapthat; he--"
"Don't call him Johnny Russell," said Mr. Hopewell, "or a little chap,or such flippant names, I don't like to hear you talk that way. Itneither becomes you as a Christian nor a gentleman. St. Luke and St.Paul, when addressing people of rank, use the word '[Greek text]'which, as nearly as possible, answers to the title of 'your Excellency.'Honour, we are told, should be given to those to whom honour is due;and if we had no such authority on the subject, the omission of titles,where they are usual and legal, is, to say the least of it, a vulgarfamiliarity, ill becoming an Attache of our embassy. But as I wassaying, I do not require to go to either of those statesmen to beinstructed in my politics. I take mine where I take my religion, fromthe Bible. 'Fear God, honour the King, and meddle not with those thatare given to change.'"
"Oh, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "you mis't a figur at our gloriousRevolution, you had ought to have held on to the British; they wouldhave made a bishop of you, and shoved you into the House of Lords, blackapron, lawn sleeves, shovel hat and all, as sure as rates. 'The rightreverend, the Lord Bishop of Slickville:' wouldn't it look well onthe back of a letter, eh? or your signature to one sent to me, signed'Joshua Slickville.' It sounds better, that, than 'Old Minister,' don'tit?"
"Oh, if you go for to talk that way, Sam, I am done; but I will shew youthat the Tories are the men to govern this great nation. A Tory I maysay '_noscitur a sociis_.'"
"What in natur is that, when it's biled and the skin took off?" askedMr. Slick.
"Why is it possible you don't know that? Have you forgotten that commonschoolboy phrase?"
"Guess I do know; but it don't tally jist altogether nohow, as it were.Known as a Socialist, isn't it?"
"If, Sir," said Mr. Hopewell, with much earnestness, "if instead ofornamenting your conversation with cant terms, and miserable slang,picked up from the lowest refuse of our population, both east and west,you had cultivated your mind, and enriched it with quotations fromclassical writers, you would have been more like an Attache, and lesslike a peddling clockmaker than you are."
"Minister," said Mr. Slick, "I was only in jeest, but you are inairnest. What you have s
aid is too true for a joke, and I feel it. I wasonly a sparrin'; but you took off the gloves, and felt my short ribs ina way that has given me a stitch in the side. It tante fair to kick thatway afore you are spurred. You've hurt me considerable."
"Sam, I am old, narvous, and irritable. I was wrong to speak unkindlyto you, very wrong indeed, and I am sorry for it; but don't teaze me nomore, that's a good lad; for I feel worse than you do about it. I begyour pardon, I--"
"Well," said Mr. Slick, "to get back to what we was a sayin', for you dotalk like a book, that's a fact; '_noscitur a sociis_,' says you."
"Ay, 'Birds of a feather flock together,' as the old maxim goes. Now,Sam, who supported the Whigs?"
"Why, let me see; a few of the lords, a few of the gentry, therepealers, the manufacturin' folks, the independents, the baptists, thedissentin' Scotch, the socialists, the radicals, the discontented, andmost of the lower orders, and so on."
"Well, who supported the Tories?"
"Why, the majority of the lords, the great body of landed gentry, theunivarsities, the whole of the Church of England, the whole of themethodists, amost the principal part of the kirk, the great marchants,capitalists, bankers, lawyers, army and navy officers, and soon."
"Now don't take your politics from me, Sam, for I am no politician; butas an American citizen, judge for yourself, which of those two partiesis most likely to be right, or which would you like to belong to."
"Well, I must say," replied he, "I _do_ think that the larnin', piety,property, and respectability, is on the Tory side; and where all themthings is united, right most commonly is found a-joggin' along incompany."
"Well now, Sam, you know we are a calculatin' people, a commercialpeople, a practical people. Europe laughs at us for it. Perhaps ifthey attended better to their own financial affairs, they would be in abetter situation to laugh. But still we must look to facts and results.How did the Tories, when they went out of office, leave the kingdom?--Atpeace?"
"Yes, with all the world."
"How did the Whigs leave it?"
"With three wars on hand, and one in the vat a-brewin' with America.Every great interest injured, some ruined, and all alarmed at theimpendin' danger--of national bankruptcy."
"Well, now for dollars and cents. How did the Tories leave thetreasury?"
"With a surplus revenue of millions."
"How did the Whigs?"
"With a deficiency that made the nation scratch their head, and stareagin."
"I could go through the details with you, as far as my imperfectinformation extends, or more imperfect memory would let me; but itis all the same, and always will be, here, in France, with us, in thecolonies, and everywhere else. Whenever property, talent, and virtue areall on one side, and only ignorant numbers, with a mere sprinkling ofproperty and talent to agitate 'em and make use of 'em, or misinformedor mistaken virtue to sanction 'em on the other side, no honest man cantake long to deliberate which side he will choose.
"As to those conservatives, I don't know what to say, Sam; I should liketo put you right if I could. But I'll tell you what puzzles me. I askmyself what is a Tory? I find he is a man who goes the whole figur' forthe support of the monarchy, in its three orders, of king, lords, andcommons, as by law established; that he is for the connexion of Churchand State and so on; and that as the wealthiest man in England, heoffers to prove his sincerity, by paying the greatest part of the taxesto uphold these things. Well, then I ask what is Consarvitism? I am toldthat it means, what it imports, a conservation of things as they are.Where, then, is the difference? _If there is no difference, it is a merejuggle to change the name: if there is a difference, the word is worsethan a juggle, for it don't import any_."
"Tell you what," said Mr. Slick, "I heerd an old critter to Halifax oncedescribe 'em beautiful. He said he could tell a man's politicks by hisshirt. 'A Tory, Sir,' said he, for he was a pompious old boy was oldBlue-Nose; 'a Tory, Sir,' said he, 'is a gentleman every inch of him,stock, lock, and barrel; and he puts a clean frill shirt on every day.A Whig, Sir,' says he, 'is a gentleman every other inch of him, andhe puts an onfrilled one on every other day. A Radical, Sir, ain't nogentleman at all, and he only puts one on of a Sunday. But a Chartist,Sir, is a loafer; he never puts one on till the old one won't holdtogether no longer, and drops off in, pieces.'"
"Pooh!" said Mr. Hopewell, "now don't talk nonsense; but as I wasa-goin' to say, I am a plain man, and a straightforward man, Sam; what Isay, I mean; and what I mean, I say. Private and public life are subjectto the same rules; and truth and manliness are two qualities thatwill carry you through this world much better than policy, or tact,or expediency, or any other word that ever was devised to conceal, ormystify a deviation from the straight line. They have a sartificate ofcharacter, these consarvitives, in having the support of the Tories; butthat don't quite satisfy me. It may, perhaps, mean no more than this,arter all--they are the best sarvants we have; but not as good as wewant. However, I shall know more about it soon; and when I do, I willgive you my opinion candidly. One thing, however, is certain, a changein the institutions of a country I could accede to, approve, andsupport, if necessary and good; but I never can approve of either anindividual or a party--'_changing a name_.'"