Survive and Conquer

by Andrew Grey

  “Yes. She did. And I thank God for that every day, because if she hadn’t, I would never have been able to get away from him. She called the police and she took me to the hospital, where they looked me over. I remember them needing to see my butt.” Chase sniffed. “Some things about that time will stay with me forever. The fear and uncertainty.” His hand shook a little. “I know they were trying to help me, but I was so scared that Dad was going to come back and hurt me again.” Chase was eternally grateful that Newton didn’t ask him to go into great detail about what his dad had done.

  “Yes. That’s a very common reaction with kids who have said something.” Newton took his hand. “I see things like this way too often.”

  “I bet you do. I guess I was lucky. Mom stood by me, Dad was arrested, and she fought and fought until he went to jail. They didn’t have me testify because there was enough other evidence. Mom filed for divorce before he was convicted, and testified herself. I never visited him or saw him again after that. He was eventually killed in prison by one of the other inmates.” Chase took a slightly shaky breath. “I know all of this is why I went into family law, because I wanted to help kids like me.” And that was why he hated the case he had so very much. Everything inside him screamed that he was on the wrong side of this argument. Putting a child back into the path of his abuser was a recipe for major unhappiness.

  “I guess I have to ask, why didn’t you go into another area? You could have distanced yourself from the memories and trauma. A lot of people would have. They would have gotten as far away from the hurt as possible.” Newton squeezed his hand.

  “I know, and there are times I wish I had.” Lord, Chase had nearly gone to pieces with his first case. But he reminded himself time and time again that he was doing good and hopefully helping kids like himself. “Sometimes I wonder what’s real and what isn’t. I mean, I think I remember things, but then I’m not sure if I really did. It was a long time ago.”

  “Those memories stay and linger and then make an appearance when we least expect it.”

  “That’s true. I dream about my dad sometimes and wonder what made him be that way. When I told my mom I was gay, she asked me if it was because of what my dad had done to me.” Chase shook his head. “I suppose it was natural for her to wonder.”

  “Yeah. Your mom probably spent many years wondering if every decision you made and even the person you turned out to be was because of what your father did to you.”

  Chase nodded. “Mom remarried when I was in high school, and her second husband, Costas, is a great man. He’s an executive, and his career took them to New York. They have one of those beautiful apartments on the Upper East Side, and Mom is happy. She deserves to be happy.”

  “But what about you?” Newton asked, still holding his hand, and Chase didn’t want him to release it. The connection with him seemed precious and something he didn’t want to be without. “Are you happy?”

  Chase shrugged a little. “I didn’t give any of the stuff with my dad much thought for a very long time. I knew I was gay when I was thirteen, but didn’t tell anyone, except Mom. I didn’t really come out until college, but that doesn’t matter too much. I was working hard then and still am.”

  “Do you think that the things with your dad affected the way you view relationships?” Newton asked. “I know it happened a long time ago, but our attitudes and feelings about how we view other people are often set in early childhood.” He shook his head, smiling weirdly. “Now I’m sounding like one of those people who thinks they understand everything about everyone. You’re an adult, and yeah, what happens when we’re a kid affects us, but you have the choice to be the person you want.”

  “I know. It’s just that I have this case, and it’s getting to me.” Chase paused, choosing his words carefully. “I feel like I’m on the wrong side. How I feel about my clients usually doesn’t matter. Whether I like them or not is immaterial, but I really hate these people. My inner child, the part of me that was hurt, is telling me to run. But I can’t.” That was as close as he dared come to anything about his client.

  “I know you can’t say any more, and that’s perfectly fine. I have a case as well… a new client, and I visited them today. It’s a difficult situation. A child and his mother—” Newton stopped as Rosie ran into the room.

  “The TV went off.” She bounced. “Eric can’t fix it, and I wanna watch the rest of the show.”

  “Okay. I’ll come look at it.” Newton levered himself up and went into the living room. He seemed to be walking better, which was a relief to Chase, but he figured that if he got the chance, he’d massage Newton’s leg to see if he could make him more comfortable.

  Chase took the time to put the few dishes they used in the dishwasher and threw away the trash. The TV started a few seconds later, and Chase joined the rest of the family for an episode of Duck Tales. It seemed that was what the kids could agree on.

  “I wanted Mulan,” Rosie said as she crawled onto the sofa and then plopped herself into his lap. “Eric says if he has to watch that movie one more time, his brains will leak out his ears.” She looked up at him through her glasses, her big eyes shining. “He shouldn’t do that. Eric can’t afford to lose any brains.”

  “Hey!” Eric said.

  Chase turned to Newton, trying desperately to hold in the laughter. These people, this family, were just what he needed to lift his spirits.

  IT TOOK Newton a while to get the kids to bed, and Chase wondered if he should stay or simply go home. Newton had things he needed to do, and Chase knew there was work waiting for him, but frankly, he didn’t want to leave. This home was comfortable, warm, and welcoming. The ghost of what he’d opened up to Newton about seemed more distant now. It had happened years earlier, and for the most part, the memories had faded, but today they had come back with more clarity than they had in a long time.

  Maybe one never truly got over the shit that happened as kids. Maybe it was all a matter of learning to deal with it. Lord knew he couldn’t change anything about it.

  Chase spent some time alone with his thoughts, and started slightly when Newton sat down on the other end of the sofa, putting his legs across Chase’s lap. “Do they ache?” Chase asked, pushing up Newton’s pant leg and gently rubbing his weaker ankle and calf.

  “A little. It’s really much better, but the right is hurting from compensating more for the left.” Newton sighed as Chase continued his slow massage. “Can I ask you something? How were things between you and your mom after everything happened?”

  “Mom was a tiger. Apparently my father wanted to see me, and I heard her on the phone with him the one time she agreed to take his call. Her words were that he’d see me over her dead body and through a line of SWAT officers. I don’t think he ever called again.” Chase stilled his hands. “I do think my mom worried about me a lot. She used to ask me if I was all right for no reason, and she watched me all the time. I know she thought that part of me was broken. For a while I felt broken and was afraid the kids at school would find out what happened. But no one ever said anything. They didn’t even tease me about my dad being in jail. I think either the teachers or the principal scared them, because there was never a word or a hint of anything. Maybe it was my mother they were afraid of.”

  “It sounds like you were believed and had support. It’s terrible when things like this happen to anyone, especially a kid, but you’d be surprised by the number of kids who come forward and aren’t taken seriously, even by the other parent.” Newton lowered his legs to the floor. “I see it a lot. They aren’t deemed truthful until something happens that forces the issue, and by then the abuser has had free rein for years.” Newton sat back. “Do you want to talk about this some more?”

  “I’d rather not. I mean, I told you what happened, but I don’t want you to feel sorry for me and look at me any differently.” That was what he needed more than anything.

  “I won’t. As I tell some of the families, they need to stick together an
d help each other. It’s the only way to get through it. Your mom did that.” Newton smiled. “Now, how about we talk about something more pleasant.” He actually put his head back and began to laugh. “I’m not sure what it means that you and I have shared the very worst situations in our lives. I never talk about what happened during the aftermath of 9-11, and I’m pretty sure you don’t talk about what happened to you.”

  “No.” Chase leaned closer and touched his lips to Newton’s. “I trust you.”

  Newton shook his head. “Me too. And I don’t trust anyone easily. Not even the kids, with certain things. They don’t know what happened to me, and I won’t tell them until they’re a lot older.” He sighed. “But I got through it. We both still deal with the aftermath, but it’s the hardships that make us who we are. You became a family law attorney, and I became a social worker, each because of our past.” Newton gently stroked his legs.

  Chase didn’t move as heat built between them. This wasn’t the heat of passion, but the gentle warmth of companionship and caring that had been missing from Chase’s life for many years. He knew it was by his own actions. “I have a history of backing away from any relationship that gets too serious, I know that. There have been times when I’ve wondered why. I know none of the guys I’ve gone out with are my father….”

  “Yeah, but have you trusted any of them enough to tell what happened to you?” Newton asked, and Chase shook his head. “Maybe that’s what’s been missing. If you’re going to have a relationship with someone, you need to trust them enough to tell what happened to you.”

  “Yeah. But I knew some of these guys for a lot longer than I’ve known you, and I never….” Chase paused. “I was never comfortable saying anything before. I always felt like they’d judge me or look at me like I was broken.” He closed his eyes, a weight had lifting off his shoulders, one he hadn’t known he’d been carrying because it had been with him for so long.

  He put an arm around Newton’s shoulders and found a show on television that they watched without saying much. He’d never realized until tonight how nice it was to have someone to not do much with.

  BY THE end of the week, Chase was even more exhausted than usual. The Andersons, as he’d predicted, decided to push ahead with what they wanted, regardless of what reason and prudence dictated. He was still waiting for notification about a hearing, but expected it would be in a few weeks. He also managed to wrap up a number of other cases, so while he was tired, he was satisfied, and left the office with everything tied up with a bow, which was extremely unusual.

  “Have a big weekend planned?” Hank asked as he passed his work area, a smarmy smile stuck on his lips. Word had gotten around the entire office that the partners were looking to present a single offer, and Hank, it seemed, was determined he was going to get it. “Little early?”

  “It’s Friday and I have my work done for the week.” Chase didn’t need to go into how late he worked the rest of the week, long after Hanky Panky had gone home. “How is the Carson case coming along?” It was a disaster in the making. A real train wreck that Hank had lobbied for the firm to take. There was little good that could come out of it, and Hank was walking a tightrope to keep the mud from splattering all over him.

  “How is Anderson coming?” Hank retorted.

  “Pretty well, actually. The clients have decided how they want to go forward, and I covered the firm’s rear end, so regardless of the outcome, we’ll come out of it looking okay.” He patted the doorframe, turned, and headed to the elevator.

  As he waited, Milton approached and stood next to him, not speaking until the doors to the car slid closed. “I heard about your little stunt with the Andersons.” He raised his eyebrows, and Chase nodded but said nothing. “Good work.”

  “It didn’t do much.”

  “Other than cover all of our butts. They are on notice that this is all on them, and that’s what we needed. Now just get some sort of favorable outcome so we don’t look like ambulance-chasing fools, and we’ll all be good.”

  Chase turned to Milton. “There isn’t a good outcome in this case. Not as far as I can see. If we win, then their grandson loses, and if we lose, then….” He left it hanging, because he’d yet to actually meet the mother. He hoped that would happen soon, so he could assess her for himself. “I’m not getting personally involved… but there has to be some sort of justice and stability for that little boy. As far as I’m concerned, everyone else can go to hell and stay there.”

  The elevator doors slid open and Chase said good night and headed for his car.

  “MR. CHASE!” Rosie said with delight when she opened the door the following afternoon.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Eric isn’t feeling good,” she told him, and Chase dropped his bag and closed the door. “Daddy is upstairs with him.” He took Rosie’s hand and let her lead him to Eric’s room, where Newton spoke softly to Eric.

  Chase waited until he came out of the room. “Is he okay?”

  Newton bit his lip and lowered his gaze to Rosie. “Can you go downstairs and play with your dolls? Chase and I will be right down.” He smiled, and Rosie hurried away, buying what Chase was pretty sure was an act. “I don’t know. Because of the POTS, when he gets sick, it messes with his heart rate and he dehydrates fast. He hasn’t been throwing up, so that’s a good sign, but I always worry.” Newton kept his voice low. “I’m hoping this is just because he overdid it and needs to rest. I have his heart monitor on him, and I set the alerts.”

  Chase poked his head into the bedroom. “You doing okay, buddy?” he asked without coming too close.

  “Yes. I’m tired, and my legs hurt,” Eric said, sounding miserable.

  “I have compression sleeves on his legs, and I’m hoping that once we get the blood that pooled in his legs flowing, he’ll feel better.”

  “Do you want me to sit with him?” Chase asked.

  Newton shook his head. “It’s best if he goes to sleep. I know that. But I’m afraid his heart rate will spike. Sometimes it’s like a roller coaster.”

  “It hurts, Dad,” Eric said, and Newton hurried into the room. “My legs.” He closed his eyes, and Chase easily read the pain on his face. No one should have to go through that, and certainly not at his age. “Dad,” Eric said, holding Newton’s hand. Chase was about to ask if they wanted him to drive them all to the hospital when Eric’s expression relaxed and he took a deep breath. “Oh, it’s better now.” He seemed drained, and sweat beaded on his forehead, but even Newton seemed more relaxed.

  “Let’s give it a little more time and maybe you’ll feel a lot better.” Newton stroked Eric’s forehead and leaned forward to kiss it. “I’ll be downstairs for a little while, but I’ll come back up to check on you. I promise.” He stood and left the room, his steps heavier than usual.

  “How are you? Is your foot okay?” Chase noticed how he was favoring it more than usual right now.

  “It’s fine. The swelling is pretty much gone. I’ve been up and down these stairs so much today, though. Sometimes I wish I’d bought a house on a single level. But when I saw this house, it felt like home. I had Eric at the time and thought this would be a great place to raise him.”

  “What’s with his legs?” Chase asked as they slowly made their way down the stairs.

  “The blood pools in them sometimes, and when it does, they get hot and they ache. In the afternoon we try to have him sit with them up for a little while. It helps keep the blood flowing, but today he was so active, and then he felt bad. He’s been resting for a while, and it finally started to flow again. It hurts when that happens sometimes.” Newton wiped his eyes. “I can take a lot of pain, but I can’t take it when he or Rosie is hurting.”

  They reached the bottom of the stairs, and Chase pulled Newton into a hug, holding him while he shook in his arms. “I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be all right.” He held him and closed his eyes, letting Newton draw on some of his strength.

  “
Daddy!” Rosie called.

  Chase released him, allowing Newton to go see what was going on. Chase went into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. It looked like they were both going to need it.

  ERIC CAME down an hour later and spent much of the afternoon on the sofa. Newton said he seemed better, but Chase knew it wasn’t normal for a nine-year-old to fall asleep in the afternoon. Still, Newton said that it was usual for Eric after he had one of these episodes, so they watched him, and Newton kept checking the heart monitor. Eric’s appetite seemed unaffected, which Chase took as a very good sign, and Eric and Rosie played that evening.

  “He seemed much better,” Chase said after Newton put both kids to bed.

  “His legs are normal, and his heart rate is good and has been for a couple hours. I made sure he drank the liquid IV, so hopefully he’ll be okay for the night.” Newton sat on the sofa. “I have to take Rosie to the eye doctor next week. They’ll want to change her prescription, I’m sure. She’ll see an ophthalmologist this time because he wants to assess her condition.” He sighed.

  “Her sight has been improving, right?”

  “Yes. But I don’t know how much more they can do and how long it will last. The doctor told me that there’s a good chance that as she gets older, her condition will deteriorate.”

  “You can’t worry about what might come. She’s doing well and she’s happy now. That’s what matters.” Newton seemed to make everyone around him happy. He had certainly made Chase much happier over the past few weeks.

  “I wish I could stop worrying sometimes, but I can’t. I want her to have everything she wants and to have the best life she can.”

  “And she will, because you’re her daddy.” Chase leaned closer, and Newton kissed him. Chase didn’t really want to talk about the kids right now, or cases, or traffic, or anything other than the fact that he and Newton had a few quiet minutes to themselves and that was what mattered at the moment.