Snow Regrets

by M. A. Innes

  Ever.

  “Did you figure things out?” It was as close as I could get to what I really wanted to know.

  “Yeah, once I saw the problems other people were facing, ignoring my own dominant tendencies seemed silly. I wasn’t fighting to survive or against an oppressive regime, I was just hiding from myself.” His eyes got a faraway look as he talked around the things he must have seen before they came back to focus on me.

  “I know it’s not something other people will always understand, so it’s not a topic I bring up with just anyone, but it’s just part of who I am.” He paused for a few seconds, but when I just waited, he continued.

  I didn’t know what he was expecting me to say, but my brain was having a hard time keeping up.

  “I like taking care of my partners and I’m happiest in a relationship where I have a lot of control. It’s just who I am.” He shrugged, but I could feel the tension in his hand as it rested on my shoulder.

  Forest was trying to be casual, but I knew he was waiting to hear what I would say.

  There were so many warring things running through my head, I wasn’t sure what would come out. Finally, I said the words I’d wished someone had said to me. “You can’t help what makes you happy. I’m glad you figured it out.”

  Then I smiled, a bit ruefully. “But it would have been nice if you hadn’t needed to go so far away to figure it out.”

  “Yeah, I wish things would have been different.” His hand reached up and stroked over my head again. “But maybe some space wasn’t a bad thing. I can’t imagine telling young Joe about my kinks.”

  Young Joe had been more open-minded than he probably wanted to hear.

  Smiling, I shrugged. “Yeah, that would have been weird.”

  He nodded, tension finally gone from his grip. “But now you’re an adult, and while I can see the kid there sometimes, it’s different.”

  He’d always said things without realizing how deeply he’d aimed his arrow. Distance hadn’t changed that. If anything, it made his unconscious aim even more accurate. Brushing off the emotions that were barreling through me, I smiled. “Definitely not a kid any longer.”

  “No.” He shook his head like it was still hard to believe. “But I hope somewhere inside of you is the kid that remembers he can talk to me. I wasn’t there when you needed help, but I’m here now. I know that isn’t good enough, but it’s sincere.”

  He was right.

  He hadn’t been there when I’d needed help, but I wasn’t sure I could have taken his rejection too, so maybe it was for the best he hadn’t been around.

  Some things you just couldn’t recover from.

  Chapter 5

  Forest

  For a while, the haunted look had faded from his eyes as he’d let himself get sucked into the movie. Now I could see the memories of the past coming back to the surface and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

  Sometimes reopening a wound was the only way it would begin to start to heal, but sometimes that just let in infections and wounds festered.

  Had I made things worse?

  Everything in me said no. Just the complete lack of response when I mentioned kink said I’d hit a nerve he wasn’t ready to draw attention to. Anyone else would have commented on it in some way. Maybe a question about what kind of BDSM I was into or simply a startled reaction, but something.

  But Joe…Joseph…absolutely nothing.

  Sometimes the absence of a reaction was the most telling response.

  I wasn’t so naïve I’d thought he would open up to me right away, but all I could do was hope that what I’d said hit home for him in some way.

  When his only response was “thanks” as he nodded, I squeezed his shoulder again. He took a long breath and turned back to the movie, but when he didn’t pull away, I took that as a good sign. How long had it been since someone had just held him and told him it would all be all right?

  His parents had never been that demonstrative, so I had a feeling it was longer than he would admit. I wasn’t sure what his past relationships had looked like, but if he were anything like the average guy his age, it would be mostly random hookups.

  That just wasn’t the same.

  Letting the conversation fall away, I focused on the movie. Even though it was one I enjoyed, my favorite part of watching it was his reactions. As he got sucked back into the world of space battles and aliens, he wiggled and smiled and every reaction was so sweet I wanted to grin.

  Every movement and excited squirm inched him closer to me until my fingers were wrapped around the back of his neck. Threading my fingers through the hairs that trailed down his neck, I felt his muscles finally relax.

  By the time the movie was over, he’d eaten a frightening number of brownies, but it was the way he started pulling back that had me the most concerned. As the joy from the movie started to fade, I could see real life flooding back to his brain and he scooted back toward the edge of the couch, a faint blush on his face. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” Wanting to word it carefully, I shifted and leaned back against the arm. “I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable or come on to you, but sometimes as humans, we just need to be held. It’s how we’re wired. No matter what our relationship looked like in the past, right now I see you as my friend…a friend who’s hurting.”

  He swallowed and I could almost see the walls being rebuilt. If I didn’t get a wedge in there, I’d have to start all over again, and I wasn’t sure there were enough brownies in the cabin to help or enough days left before the plows would finally come through. Even with the light dusting that was still falling, eventually they’d clear his road.

  Taking one last stab, I turned the tables on him. “You would help me if I was hurting and needed a hug, wouldn’t you?”

  Putting the ball back in his court had him freezing.

  The seconds dragged by with the only sound being the end credits still playing on the television. Finally, he nodded and I could see him forcing the tension from his body. It wasn’t a genuine reaction, but it was deliberate and sometimes that was just as important.

  “Then let me help you.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat.

  He was like a deer in the headlights waiting for the impending doom he’d never be able to escape. It left echoes of the boy he’d used to be between us. That boy hadn’t wanted to open up to anyone, but he’d never had this much pain inside him either.

  Opening my arms slowly, I kept my gaze on him. “Come here.”

  I couldn’t promise him everything would be fine. I didn’t know enough about his situation to even come close to guessing all he was facing, but I’d be there for him if that was what he wanted.

  Refusing to back down, I kept my arms wide and tried to show him how sorry and sincere I was. I’d give anything to go back and be there for him when he needed me, but there was nothing I could do to fix that. All I could do was show him that I’d be there going forward.

  No matter where I ended up living, he was going to have to chase me off to get me to disappear out of his life this time.

  Even then he wouldn’t find it easy.

  I didn’t make the same mistake twice.

  As the seconds ticked by, I could see him expecting me to give up and let him escape, but I just waited. Patience was not something I was lacking. If our standoff took hours, I could wait. I might have to shift my arms at some point, but I wasn’t going to look away.

  I wasn’t going to give up on him.

  He was worth it.

  Finally, he gave me the faintest nod and the last of the bravado he’d been clinging to faded. I could almost see the walls he’d built start to crumble as he scooted closer. That one little inch was all it took to let me know it was time to step in.

  Leaning over, I wrapped my arms around him and tugged him closer, thanking every moment of exercise I’d gotten over the past couple of years. Me throwing my back out pulling him onto my lap would have ruined the moment.

&
nbsp; “Come here.” As I hugged him tight, he held himself stiffly for several long seconds before he gradually started to relax against me. “Deep breath and just sit here with me.”

  It would be fine…god, the words just kept wanting to come out. But I didn’t make promises I couldn’t keep, so I just held him tight as he closed his eyes and sank into me. I didn’t know how long we sat there as the tension in his body continued to fade, but it was so long that when he started to speak again, the whispered words stood out in the almost silent room.

  “I’ve got a pretty good life now.” He swallowed and took a breath.

  When I didn’t respond with words and just hugged him tighter, he continued. “I work at the front desk of an insurance office. It sounds like I’m a receptionist, but it’s actually more than that. I do a lot of the work you don’t need a license for and the customers like me.”

  I chuckled and hugged him again. “I thought you saved your best conversations for me? Now I hear you're talking to everyone.”

  He gave a huff, but I could hear the smile in his voice as he tucked his face against my neck. “Yeah, that’s me. I’m just a chatterbox.”

  Running one hand up and down his back, I stroked over his head with my other before holding him tight again. “Tell me more about it.”

  This part must have been easy for him because there was no hesitation this time. “I’m studying to get my insurance license, but everyone else has a college degree, so I haven’t said anything yet. I’m not sure if that’s just a coincidence or not, but my boss has mentioned several times about how important higher education is. But at the very least, when I’m ready I’m going to apply to other offices if she won’t give me a chance. That will be a huge pay jump and I might be able to afford some online college courses then.”

  “I think that’s a great idea. There are all kinds of schools that do whole degrees online.” Squeezing him again, I smiled. “You always talked about doing AP courses in high school to get college credit early. Did you get into those?”

  When he nodded against my shoulder, I felt a burst of pride. “That’s great. Those aren’t easy classes. You’re going to do great in college.”

  Anger flashed through me when I thought about everything his father had tried to take away from him, but I pushed it back. It wouldn’t help Joseph.

  “Thanks. I’ve got a few things to do first, though.” He took another deep breath, but it was more ragged than last time and I could feel tension building again. “I had to get a lawyer to deal with the cabin stuff and I still owe him money. When you add in my portion of the insurance and taxes it adds up, but I’m not going to give up on the cabin. It’s mine too.”

  Something nagged at the back of my memory, but I let it go, focusing on Joseph. “Because this place always meant a lot to you and you shouldn’t have to give up your legacy just because your father is an asshole.”

  He gave a snort, but the silly sound faded as his stress level went up again.

  “Yeah, he’s an ass, but he—”

  Whatever he was going to say was pure shit. There was no justification for what his father had done, so I jumped in before he could finish. “No, there is nothing you could have done to deserve what happened. We’re just going to leave it as he’s an asshole.”

  Joseph didn’t pull away, but he stiffened and sighed.

  I knew he was building up the courage to tell me what happened. I couldn’t decide if talking and distracting him was a good idea or if he just needed me to hold him and give him time. Eventually, he took the decision out of my hands as he started to speak.

  “I know he’s an ass, but sometimes I worry that he might be right.” The quiet words hit me so hard I could feel my heart clenching.

  “Did you hurt someone else?” That was an easy one. He’d never raised his hand to anyone and I knew that much wouldn’t have changed.

  When he shook his head, I guessed again. “Did you steal or do drugs?”

  Even then I knew there were other options than kicking him out. They had money for rehab if it’d come down to that, but Joe would never have done something like that. He’d been a bit obsessed with controlling his privacy as a kid, so drugs would have never appealed to him.

  “No.”

  “What about refusing to bathe and clean? He was always a bit of a neat freak.” The giggles that escaped Joseph had his body sagging against me again.

  “No.” Joseph sighed, the laughter giving him a bit of a confidence boost because he continued. “He was supposed to be out for the day and Mom was on a trip with some of her friends. I had the house to myself…at least that’s what I thought.”

  Waiting, I could barely breathe as he took a moment. I knew the memories were hitting him hard because I could see his fingers digging into his thighs. Shifting my hands, I hugged him with the hand that had been stroking his back and with my now free hand, I reached down to rest it over his. Lacing my fingers through his, I forced them to ease their grip as he found the words.

  “I’d been looking at things like…things like BDSM online for a while. They’d never had that child protective software installed on my computer, so it wasn’t hard to find it. I never cared much for the darker stuff or even most of the regular domination porn online.” Every sentence got easier as he saw that I wasn’t surprised.

  The internet put everything at your fingertips if you weren’t careful.

  He’d always been a curious kid, so it was easy to see how a what does this mean kind of search led him down a rabbit hole. “I’m not into much of that either. I know other people are and that’s fine, but it’s not my preference.”

  When he kept going, I realized my sharing must have given him another boost of confidence. “Well, I found a few things I was curious about after a while. I didn’t meet anyone online or anything like that because, yeah, well, I was underage and getting arrested wasn’t my idea of erotic.”

  That had me chuckling. “I think that was a good idea.”

  He giggled again and started stroking his fingers against mine. “Yeah, me too. But I did find stories online and watched videos. Stuff like that.”

  “That’s very normal. Most people who find something interesting take a very similar path to discover their kink.” People always thought that everyone else was more vanilla than they really were. At some point, we were just going to have to admit that there was nothing wrong with being curious about a variety of things.

  “Did you?” It took me a second to realize what he was asking.

  I chuckled. “I’m ancient. I was a teenager before the internet. The encyclopedia at home didn’t have anything like BDSM in it. My first exposure to the lifestyle was in college. I had a roommate who was into being spanked. Now ask me how I know that.”

  I could hear the smile in his voice. “How did you figure that out?”

  “I walked in on him and his girlfriend. He was draped over her lap and she was going to town on his ass with a hairbrush. I was really green at that point and had no idea what was going on. He was a bit of an exhibitionist and my seeing them was too much for him, so he just came right then.” God, I’d been so embarrassed.

  Joseph groaned. “Oh, that would be…”

  “Yeah.” I chuckled. “Let’s just say I had no idea how to respond. We ignored each other for a week before his girlfriend stormed in and sat us both down to make us talk about it. I was able to ask questions and that opened the door for me. But figuring out what I liked about it was a slow process because most of the guys I was dating at the time weren’t into anything like that, and I had no idea how to bring it up.”

  And since being the one on the receiving end of that hairbrush had never appealed to me, it hadn’t taken long to figure out that if I was the Dom then I should probably be the one to bring up the topic. Later I’d met a few outgoing subs who’d opened my eyes even more, but I couldn’t help thinking about how different my life would have been if there’d been information easily available.

  “It
’s good you had someone to talk to.” His support was so sweet, I squeezed his hand.

  “Yeah, it made things easier. Did you have anyone to talk to?” I knew the answer before I’d even asked the question, but I had to be sure.

  “No.” His pause was short, but it was heavy and filled with memories. “I could have found someone to talk to online, but I was still figuring things out. Explaining things to strangers was just…”

  “Too much.” When he nodded at my response, I hugged him again. “That’s completely understandable.”

  “I’m starting to wish I had, though. Maybe then when everything…” His voice trailed off and I could feel the strain in his muscles as the memories came rushing back. “He walked past the door when I was watching porn. He heard me and the video and suddenly he was screaming about me being a pervert. I had the door locked so he couldn’t get in, but it was bad.”

  Stroking his hand, I held Joseph firmly against me as he spoke, finally letting the emotions out. “There were only weeks left until graduation. He hardly spoke to me and my mom just watched as everything unraveled.”

  His breath hitched and he paused before forcing himself to keep going. “I don’t know what she thought because she never brought it up, but the day I graduated she was nowhere around. Another trip with her friends, I think, and he said I had two days to move out. He went to stay at a hotel, and said that when he got back, I needed to be gone.”

  His voice was soft and steady, but I could feel his emotions as his body started to shake. “My car had always been in my name, so I packed that up with as much stuff as I could carry and tried to plan it out the best I could.”

  He barked out a rough laugh. “I even cleaned out the pantry. I had a box in the back of the car that had all kinds of stuff in it I didn’t need to cook. That fed me for ages even if it was just stuff like peanut butter and tuna.”

  I just couldn’t imagine what he’d gone through.

  Leaving everything he’d ever known at the drop of a hat would’ve been more than most kids his age could’ve handled. “That sounds very smart.”