Snow Regrets

by M. A. Innes

  Hugging him again, I continued. “You’re important to me and I want you to see how all of it feels, not just the very careful parts. If you react, I’m going to be grateful I made you relaxed enough to respond.”

  When he nodded stiffly, I decided to inject a little bit of levity. “And really, I’m an old fart, am I going to complain about getting to see a cute young thing like you?”

  Joseph let out a bark of laughter. “You’re terrible.”

  Maybe, but he was more relaxed because he nuzzled his cheek against my chest and even though he still had his eyes closed, he was smiling. “So seeing me…turned on wouldn’t get weird? I know it’s not like that with you, but I’m not sure how I’ll…respond.”

  “It might not be like that between us, but friendships come in lots of different packages, so ours doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.” If there was a part of me that longed to say something else, I ignored it. He didn’t need the pressure of my emotions pushing him into anything.

  A low laugh escaped. “Friends with Daddy benefits? I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that.”

  Grinning, I shifted my hands so I could tickle his ribs. As he giggled and squirmed, I couldn’t resist teasing him. “Are you making fun of how the old man talks? Is that very nice? Hmm, I can’t hear you. Should you be laughing at your Daddy?”

  He was laughing so hard he couldn’t catch his breath, wiggling and grinning ear-to-ear. When I finally eased off and just wrapped my arms around him again, he collapsed back into me, smiling. Kissing his head, I waited to see what he would say.

  With all the movement, he’d shifted so he was lying on his side. He was still curled into me, but now it was even easier to see his face. I thought he might roll back over to make talking easier, but instead, he peered up at me questioningly. “You promise it won’t affect things between us? I don’t think I could handle losing your friendship after all this.”

  I knew it wasn’t easy to put himself out there like that, so I pressed a kiss to his forehead and nodded. “I promise. Nothing we do here will change what happens when we leave. I’m going to drive you crazy pestering you to make sure you’re doing alright, and as long as I can find a job within a reasonable distance, I’m going to drag you out to eat on a regular basis so I can grill you even more.”

  He wasn’t going to be alone, no matter what job I had to take to make sure of it. The family he was born into might have been dicks, but family was more than whose genes matched yours. “Remember what I said at the beginning. It’s going to take more than just some awkward moments to chase me off.”

  Joseph chuckled, but I could see the worry behind his smile. “But you wouldn’t really see it as awkward because you like taking care of a little? You like taking care of me?”

  Every time something made him uncomfortable, he pushed back and had to tackle it. He didn’t have any idea how proud I was of him. Wanting to make things clearer, I opened up a bit more even though it might make him regret pushing me. “That’s right. It wouldn’t be awkward for me. I would love to see you playing with toys in the tub or even doing something like changing your diaper. There are a lot of ways I can care for you that might make it easier for you to sink deeper into the little headspace.”

  When I paused for a moment, I realized I shouldn’t just focus on his little side. “And as a sub, there might be things you want to explore as well. Being your Daddy can encompass other things if that’s what we decide.”

  I really didn’t want him jumping into BDSM without having a better idea of what he liked and what made him happy.

  It just wouldn’t be safe.

  Joseph nodded, closing his eyes as he wrapped his free arm around me in a relaxed hug. “I might get embarrassed and weird, but I’m not going to put the baths and stuff on the no list. I’ll safeword if it’s too much, but it’s not going to be easy for me.”

  “Thank you for being honest.” I ran my hand over his head and down his side. “We’ll take things one step at a time and see what happens. Sometimes pushing into areas that make us uncomfortable leads to the most growth. We learn things about ourselves and our partner that way.”

  “When did you push yourself the first time?” I could feel him stiffen as he asked the question, probably second-guessing it before it was even out. “You don’t have to—”

  “It’s fine.” I stroked my hand along his side as I thought about it. “I think the most memorable one for me was the first time I saw a Daddy and boy at a BDSM club.”

  The memory was so clear I had to smile. “I was so green I probably stuck out like a sore thumb. I’d figured out a few things about myself by that point but seeing it in person was completely different. I was lucky they weren’t easily offended because I was probably staring like they were aliens from outer space.”

  Joseph chuckled. “I bet.”

  “I walked past them the first time and tried to play it cool, but I just kept seeing them and something about it stuck with me. After a few nods and awkward greetings, the Dom finally invited me to talk with them. I guess they could see how fascinated I was because they both started opening up.” Looking back, I knew how lucky I was that they were the first couple I’d really gotten to know.

  “Aside from my roommate in college, most of the relationships I’d seen or heard about were a lot more traditional, rules and Sirs and kneeling. I didn’t really understand how many different ways there were to live the lifestyle.”

  “I guess that’s what happens when you’re older than dirt and there was no internet.” Joseph laughed when I reached down and smacked his ass lightly.

  “Cheeky sub. I think that discussion on punishments needs to come sooner rather than later.” I was mostly teasing even though we both knew that would come up shortly. But Joseph groaned dramatically and tucked his face into the area between my chest and my arm.

  “Oh, that’s right.” I let my voice go light and teasing. “You’d already thought about being bent over your Daddy’s lap.”

  I got another overly dramatic groan as I patted his back. “It’s okay. I’ll take it easy on you the first time.”

  If the back of his neck was any indication, his face had to be a fiery red color, but he didn’t deny his curiosity. “If you’re going to be a naughty boy, maybe I don’t need to tell you about watching the boy’s spanking that night or getting to change his diaper.”

  “Diaper?” Joseph’s head popped up like a toaster.

  He was still blushing but his wide eyes said his color probably should have been a lot paler. “Really?”

  I wasn’t sure what he was really asking, but I nodded. “Yes, we talked about it for a while and then they invited me to go back to one of the private rooms. It was decked out like a kid’s room with toys and a table for coloring. There was even a changing table and a small kitchen to make a bottle. I’d never seen anything like it.”

  I’d been so naïve. Even at that point, I was almost vanilla. “The Daddy gave him a bottle as we talked and by the time the boy was done it was like the man I’d been speaking to earlier was completely gone. The way he reacted completely changed and he basically ignored me. All he wanted to do was play and have his Daddy right there beside him.”

  Joseph settled back down, but it was clear I had his attention now. “After a while, he started to wiggle and gave his Daddy this look and I knew. I was prepared to leave at that point, but the Daddy made it clear that wasn’t necessary and I got to help change the diaper. It wasn’t sexual, but it was very intimate and nothing like what I’d expected in a BDSM scene. I knew at that point it was something I wanted to explore more.”

  “It wasn’t…” He was clearly searching for a word but couldn’t seem to decide how to finish it. I thought I understood where he might have been going, so I continued.

  “No, it was different but not in a bad way. I liked the caretaking aspect and how sweet they were together.” Something about their relationship had always stuck with me. I’d wanted that
level of trust and love, but I knew that a vanilla relationship would never fulfill that need.

  “But it was…wet.” I couldn’t tell from his voice what he was thinking, but if I had to guess I’d say that he’d already thought a lot about diapers and just couldn’t move past what he thought someone else might think.

  Fantasies were great until you tried to logically figure out how to tell a date that you wanted to wear a diaper.

  “Yes, it was. But that wasn’t really what struck me at the time.” I’d always been very matter-of-fact about bodily issues and being a doctor only reinforced that part of me. “It took a lot of trust to let me help him with that. He knew his Daddy would keep him safe, but he was letting me help him and be a part of their world. I was very touched.”

  Joseph laid his head back down on me, stroking my side absently with his fingers. “I guess I hadn’t looked at it that way.”

  Kissing his head, I waited to see if he would say anything else. When he was silent, I decided to go back to the spanking discussion because that had gotten the best reaction out of him so far. “Something you have been thinking about is that spanking, though.”

  He huffed, but after a few seconds he nodded. He wasn’t looking at me, but he also wasn’t trying to crawl under me and hide, so I thought we were doing good. “Was that part of your first fantasies or did that come later?”

  He took a long breath, then nodded again. “Yeah, part of the first. One of the videos I’d watched had a scene where the sub had to apologize for doing something naughty. I don’t even remember what it was at this point, but he was all apologetic and sweet, but…but he was hard and the Daddy spanked and teased him for what seemed like ages before he got to come. It was one of the hottest things I’d ever seen.”

  “But for you, the fantasy is a Daddy punishing his boy until the boy comes or is it separate from the Daddy boy dynamics?” I wanted to make sure I understood the fantasy and his thoughts before we talked about the individual pieces.

  Joseph let out another slow breath and seemed to be doing his best to look like the conversation was no big deal. That wasn’t going to work, though. I didn’t want this to be something easy and casual for him. He was worth more than that.

  I ran my hand over his head to cup his chin. Lifting his head, I tried to let him see how important he was to me. “You do not have to fake being calm and nonchalant about this. I know it’s difficult and probably a little bit embarrassing to share your fantasies with someone for the first time.”

  His brows pulled together like he was getting ready to protest, so I kissed his forehead and shook my head. “No, I promise I’ll know if you're faking it.”

  He cracked a smile and a faint blush spread over his cheeks as I continued. “No matter whether it’s during a conversation or when you’re over my lap, I’m going to know.”

  Either way, his body would give him away.

  His lips twisted for a split second like he was holding back an overly dramatic reaction before he nodded and smoothed his features out. “Okay.”

  “Oh no, I think something a bit more polite and respectful is in order this time. You were trying to hide how you were feeling and I can’t have my boy being naughty like that.”

  The blush flared even darker and his head flopped against my chest. “Yes, Daddy. I’m sorry.”

  Okay, that was hotter than I’d expected.

  Luckily, he didn’t seem to notice my predicament because he was too busy trying to hide his own. “No squirming. What did I just say about hiding how you were feeling? That means arousal too.”

  That earned me another embarrassed groan.

  But he didn’t try to deny it, so I thought we were making progress—eventually, we might even finish our discussion.

  Chapter 12

  Joseph

  Wanting a Daddy seemed to mean you had to answer the weird questions.

  But making Daddy happy was worth feeling ridiculous.

  Maybe if I kept reminding myself that, I’d feel more grown up and less like a kid who’d just heard a dirty joke for the first time. But somehow the conversation had been easier when we were just talking about spankings and punishments. As we kept going, though, his questions had gotten more specific about certain topics…like diapers.

  “We don’t have those here, so I don’t know why you’re even asking.” He was just asking because he liked watching me squirm.

  “It’s relevant information even if we’re still snowed in.” His answer would have sounded more sincere if he wasn’t trying not to laugh.

  “You’re evil.”

  “No, I’m a Daddy who likes watching his boy blush. Those are two different things.”

  “I think I liked it better when you were pretending I wasn’t blushing.” But somewhere between the conversation about bath time and his ridiculous assertion that there were probably other fantasies I wanted to explore, he’d stopped pretending.

  “But this is much more fun.” His teasing voice had me sitting up and frowning. I was doing my best to look stern, but his amusement was contagious.

  “For who?” My frown was starting to fail, however.

  “For me.” He chuckled and kissed my forehead. “But I think it’s time to get you dressed for the day and maybe a reward for being so good.”

  What kind of reward?

  “I was good?” What had I done?

  Daddy chuckled. “You did your best to answer all my questions and you were honest about what made you nervous and what you were curious about. I’m very proud of you.”

  There was still a little voice in the back of my mind that said I should be embarrassed, but a bigger part was excited. I’d made him proud. And the smile he was wearing said it was more than that. He was happy. Relief finally hit that the conversation was over and I hadn’t done anything to scare him off or weird him out.

  Even the conversations about spankings and erections hadn’t gone as bad as I thought they might. Sure, I wasn’t someone he would have picked out to date, but as a Daddy, he seemed to understand that I would react to things and that didn’t bother him.

  We’d have to see how that whole bathing thing would go, but for the time being, I was feeling good about it all.

  Kind of.

  Mostly.

  No, I was good. I wasn’t going to be embarrassed or hide. I had a Daddy for a few days and I wasn’t going to waste the chance to figure shit out. How often would something like this fall into my lap?

  With my luck? Never.

  He was nice and understanding and sexy. I wasn’t going to let my fears ruin it or make him think I was second-guessing what we’d discussed. Curling back into him, because that was just my favorite place to be, I nodded. “Thank you, Daddy.”

  I wasn’t going to hide how happy I was that I’d made him proud.

  I was his little boy and that was a perfectly normal reaction.

  At least according to the internet.

  “After we get you ready for the day, do you want to play with your toys?” Daddy ran his hand down my back, making me want to sigh and cuddle even closer.

  “Yes, Daddy.” I closed my eyes and just soaked up his touch.

  The past hour had my emotions bouncing between extremes and I was just glad it was done. I had a better idea now why he’d been so adamant that we had a lot to talk about, but that didn’t mean I was glad we’d done it.

  If this was the type of discussion I needed to have with someone else before we did anything BDSM related together, then I wasn’t going to be in any hurry to jump into a relationship or scene. If it was hard with Forest, how weird would it be with a complete stranger?

  Okay, maybe some things would be easier if we were having sex too, but if it was just someone who was exploring the BDSM with me without the relationship part? Oh, hell no.

  “More cuddle time or do you want to get ready?” I felt him press a kiss to the top of my head as he hugged me.

  That was a hard decision.

  But I had a
feeling if I stayed cuddled up to him for much longer, I might fall asleep. “Clothes then more cuddles later.”

  When I wasn’t so inclined to take a nap.

  One day I was going to get to enjoy time off work instead of sleeping the whole time.

  “Okay.” I knew he was waiting for me to move—but that didn’t mean I was going to rush.

  When he chuckled and his fingers started wiggling against my ribs, I knew I was running out of cuddle time. He’d put me down for a nap or make me talk more if I didn’t get up. Forcing my arms to work, I pushed up and sat back on the other end of the couch.

  “Good boy.” Daddy smiled as he stood, reaching for my hand.

  When I finally got up and stretched, it was easy to tell how long we’d been talking. Rolling my shoulders, I tried to loosen my muscles and wake everything up. Daddy chuckled but stepped behind me and started kneading my shoulders. “Who’s supposed to be the old man here?”

  My brain had a smart-ass comment that was a great comeback, but I just moaned as the massage hit me. Daddy’s chuckle said it had sounded dirty, but I didn’t care. It was wonderful. “More.”

  Daddy made another pleased, happy sound but continued massaging my shoulders. “I think a hot shower is in order. The spray should feel good.”

  Did that mean he was going to give me privacy?

  Was it my friend Forest, my Dom, or my Daddy that was talking?

  I was starting to realize there were layers of all those relationships in almost every conversation, but I couldn’t always tell which part of him was running things since they were all kind of take-charge.

  Nodding, I realized it wasn’t important. Either way, we both knew he was going to be in control, so I wasn't going to worry about it. He’d let me know what he wanted and all I had to do was let him lead. Sure, I knew he was focused on me and doing what was best for his boy, but it was just easier to think about his reactions.

  When he gave my shoulders a pat and nudged me toward the stairs, I knew my massage was over. “Shower and then we’ll see how you feel.”