by Lissa Kasey
“Good. Benzo’s are known to actually exacerbate anxiety and depression over time and aren’t supposed to be used for more than a week. It’s possible a lot of what you’re going through is from the damage benzos cause to your GABA receptors. It’s a bit like excitotoxicity.”
“What?” Nate tried to categorize the ideas in his brain. Had he been damaged by the drugs? “Is this permanent?” he asked, feeling a little panicked.
Troy waved his hands. “No. God no. I promise. It’s just slow to heal. And it gives me more details to work with. I’ll text Jameson with some minor changes to your supplements. Keep things a little more basic while the brain heals. You’ll definitely need time. I’m going to work on a holistic approach to your health: mind, body, and spirit. Natural stuff. Nothing weird. I promise. I’m not an anti-vaxer, but I do believe in supporting the body in natural ways.”
“Okay,” Nate agreed. “I’m open to anything that makes me feel better at this point. More stable.”
Troy grinned. “That’s why you’re here right? With the most stable guy on the island?”
“He is a rock.”
“And hot,” Troy said.
Nate felt himself flush. “And straight.”
“Wouldn’t know it. That man doesn’t date.”
“His wife died.”
Troy nodded. “Yep. Like fifteen years ago. The girls don’t even flirt anymore. He’s oblivious. I’ve tried to flirt too. No luck. He just smiles really pretty and wishes me a good day.”
Nate snorted. That sounded like Jamie all right.
“He said you two have been friends for ages.”
“Met through WoW,” Nate said expecting to be asked what WoW was. Everyone who wasn’t a player asked.
“I used to play that. Then you know, adulting.” Troy shrugged.
“I hear you there,” Nate said.
“I’m available,” Troy said. “When you’re feeling better. No rush. Jameson didn’t tell me you’re so adorable.”
Nate’s jaw fell open. He hadn’t had anyone flirt with him in decades.
“Too soon?” Troy nodded. “No worries. I’m not going anywhere. There’s also not a large selection of gay single men on this island. When you feel better, if you want to go out sometime, just let me know.”
“You know my history…and want to date me? I’m crazy.”
“We’re all a little crazy. But I think it’s more likely you’ve had bad reactions to medication and haven’t been treated well by the medical establishment. Anyway, I know a lot about supplements, and I’d like you to incorporate some essential oils as well if you’re open to it.”
“I don’t know how that works,” Nate admitted.
“I’ll show you. It’s pretty easy.” Troy led Nate over to the pharmacy and adjoining health market area. By the time Nate was ready to check out, he had a cart full of real whole food, all highly approved by Troy, an oil diffuser, a half dozen bottles of essential oil, and a bag of Epsom salt. He also had a list of instructions for the first signs of a migraine and daily care for prevention. All natural instead of chemical cocktails. Nate was willing to try anything.
It was almost seven by the time he got back to Jamie’s house and was worried Jamie would beat him home. Only there was no truck in the drive yet. Nate unloaded and started on dinner, putting together the chicken, peppers and onions, and rice, making enough for a couple more meals to be packed in containers he hoped to send to work with Jamie. The least he could do for the man was cook him healthy meals.
Nate took the chicken out of the oven as he heard the truck pull up and the dogs barked. He heard Jamie greet the dogs and Harry and Matilda as he came through the back gate, and couldn’t help but smile. Nate felt himself relax a little. Like a weight came off his shoulders because Jamie was home and he wasn’t alone. When had he become so needy?
Jamie stepped into the kitchen a few minutes later, obviously having fed his hoard. He looked good. Tired, but good. He was still in uniform. Nate loved the way the uniform accented his wide shoulders and strong legs. Jamie probably had no idea how good he looked. Nate knew for a fact he was the sort of guy who used very few personal products and never did more than brush his hair. And Jamie’s hair fell around his eyes, making him look boyishly handsome. His face was a little scruffy, with the tiniest hint of lines around his mouth that said he smiled a lot, and the beginning of crow’s feet at the edges of his eyes. None of them detracted from his looks. They just made him seem more mature than his normal hoodies and jeans did. People who didn’t know Jamie well always assumed he was younger than his almost forty years. He just didn’t look much older than his late twenties, unless he was tired and the lines really started to show.
Nate loved the lines of Jamie’s face. He’d been watching them form slowly over the last decade, knew how they’d been earned, and sometimes itched to trace them with his fingertips.
“Smells amazing in here.”
Nate handed him a plate. “Eat. I know you like fajitas.” They’d had them out twice at Dragon Con.
Jamie took the plate to the table and set it down, before going to the sink to wash his hands. “Had to pet the critters. I’ll have to take them out for a walk too.”
“Eat first,” Nate insisted taking his own plate to the table opposite Jamie.
Jamie sat. “I finally get to taste the cooking you used to take pictures of all the time.”
Nate smiled. He’d been a little Instagram crazy for a while. “Your kitchen was full of processed foods so I had to shop. There are treats from Lori’s for after dinner too.” He pointed to the box on the counter.
Jamie sighed and dug in. He wasn’t shy at all about eating. “This is amazing. I’m used to sandwiches or microwave meals when I get home from work. I get in so late some days and then have to walk the dogs and clean or whatever. Last thing I want to do is make a complicated meal.” He waved his fork a minute, dismissing his comments. “What did you do today, other than cook an amazing meal and raid Lori’s?”
“I walked Harry,” Nate said in a rush. “I hope you don’t mind. He was just so excited to go out, and we ran into Charlie in town, and I went to the vet, and Lori’s daughter Angel offered me a job, and I met Troy at the grocery store.”
“Sounds like a busy day.”
Not really. To Nate, it felt like he hadn’t done much.
“Troy asked me out.” Nate admitted, feeling a little odd.
Jamie frowned. “Yeah?”
“When I get better,” Nate amended. “’Cause I’m a little crazy right now.”
“Troy said you’re crazy?” Now Jamie looked mad.
“No. I said I was crazy. He said we’re all a little crazy.” In reality, Nate was just tired. He was so used to working all day and then coming home exhausted to lie in bed and read. Normally he avoided people. Even the people he knew and spoke with every day at work often would spike his anxiety. He felt like he’d gotten through the day fairly well. “He also said I’m adorable.”
“You are adorable,” Jamie agreed. “It’s part of being short,” he joked.
Nate nodded. Maybe that was what Troy had meant. He was adorable because he was small? Did everyone think that when they saw him? He was adorable because he was short? Did everyone in town know about him? Know how damaged he was? There had been a lot of new people. None of them bad or scary, but for some reason Nate’s stomach churned now that he ticked through the list. Charlie, Angel, Jen, and Troy. Plus a dozen others he hadn’t formally met but had passed by.
They all probably thought he was an idiot. Who else traveled halfway across a country to live with a friend they met on the internet? Who quit their well paying job to avoid migraines?
“Hey,” Jamie said. His plate was clean and he had his hands folded in front of him, expression focused.
“Yeah?” Nate asked trying to pull himself out of the overthinking cycle that was once again taking over his brain.
“Why don’t you come with me while I walk the dog
s? The sun is setting and that’s really pretty.”
Go out again? What if he met more people? Nate had to focus on his plate and breathe deeply to keep his dinner from coming back up. He shouldn’t be this panicky. He’d been out meeting new people all day. He wished the damn meds would start working and make him numb already.
He still had to box up portions so Jamie would have something to eat when he was working. Since he was here he had to be useful. He popped out of his chair and grabbed the containers and began portioning things out. He could feel Jamie’s eyes on him, but he said nothing. In fact, it was a bit of an awkward silence.
Finally, Jamie appeared beside him, making Nate jump. But Jamie just rinsed his plate and put it in the dishwasher. Nate topped all the containers and added them to the fridge before reaching to clean up his own plate. “Take those for lunch,” Nate instructed. “So you have a good balanced meal at work. I should make some homemade protein bars too. I’m sure you do a lot of physical work…”
Jamie was suddenly in Nate’s space, pressing Nate against the counter. His big body dwarfing Nate’s. It was odd, would have been erotic if Nate could get his fucking head to stop spiraling in a dizzy swirl of worry.
“Stop,” Jamie instructed.
“I don’t understand.” Nate’s eyes filled with tears. Was Jamie mad? Did he not want Nate to cook? What could Nate do if he wasn’t useful?
“Stop,” Jamie growled again, taking Nate’s face in his hands and pressing their foreheads together until all Nate could see was the whiskey-brown of Jamie’s eyes. “Breathe, Nate. Stop taking everything apart and just breathe.”
But Nate couldn’t breathe. His head was filled with the flashing lights of panic. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s never been this bad. Not in years. I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.”
“No reason to be sorry,” Jamie said. “Just remember you’re not alone.” Jamie’s arms wrapped around him, and Nate buried his face in Jamie’s neck, breathing in the scent of wind and pine.
“I’m sorry,” Nate said. He’d been doing okay most of the day. No major panic attacks, and he’d gotten out in public acting mostly normal, only to now show Jamie his worst side. “Fuck, I’m so sorry.”
Jamie didn’t reprimand him for the unnecessary apology. He just held Nate and they swayed a little until finally Nate could breathe again. The physical comfort helped a lot. Human touch. God, how long had it been since Nate let anyone touch him and hold him like Jamie did so easily? In reality, he’d never let anyone else touch him like Jamie did. Nate was a mess, his eyes gritty and his nose running. He’d probably made a mess of Jamie’s shirt too. He pulled away to reach for a paper towel to clean up his face.
“How about you go grab a hoodie or something and help me walk the dogs. Eight is a bit much for me to do on my own. It’ll be a huge help if you can handle a few of them. We’ll take Harry too. He likes to pretend he’s one of the dogs,” Jamie said.
“Okay,” Nate whispered. Jamie needed help. Nate bolted toward the stairs. He had a hoodie somewhere. He could walk. Handling dogs couldn’t be that hard, though he’d never had one. Maybe some fresh air would clear the last of the panic out of his head.
Chapter 6
Upstairs he fed his critters and scooped their box. Probably taking too much time, but his hands hurt with the anxiety, almost a vibration. He hated that. Sometimes his heart would ache like he was having a heart attack. What if they ran into more people? He didn’t think he could handle more people today, even as nice as they had been. He could pretend to be busy with the animals if anyone stopped them. Harry was always a good distraction. And Jamie was there, so he wasn’t alone. He could handle a walk. Hide behind the critters and Jamie, if they encountered people. He could do that.
He found a hoodie and finally made his way downstairs to find Jamie in the backyard in his regular WSU hoodie. Everyone was leashed. Jamie handed over a roll of colorful blue plastic. Nate put the roll in one of his hoodie pockets. “Doggy doo-doo bags,” Jamie said.
Nate’s eyes widened. He tried to recall if Harry had pooped somewhere on their way into town. Had he been a total ass and missed it? Leaving it for some poor jogger to slip on?
“Take Harry, Mai, and Alex,” Jamie said handing over leashes for the goat and the two smallest dogs. Nate thought they were maybe terriers of some kind. “I’ve got the beasts.”
“But…”
Jamie headed toward the gate his set of dogs separated into groups in his different hands. The dogs were all very well-behaved. Nate reluctantly followed, worrying at his bottom lip as they walked down the long drive. Instead of turning toward town, Jamie headed the opposite direction. The dogs walked along, sniffing and woofing at each other. Harry bounced along beside Mai and Alex.
They cleared the trees and were greeted by a couple of wide-open fields and a sky painted with a brilliant pink, orange, and purple sunset. It was gorgeous. Nate let himself be pulled along by the dogs though the smaller two really didn’t do much tugging. The road was empty, quiet. Jamie took the roll of bags from Nate and cleaned up after each of the dogs once they did their business. Instead of holding the bags, which were substantial, he tied them shut and actually attached the batch to a hook on the biggest dog’s harness.
Nate rubbed his hands together, surprised at how quickly the temperature dropped as the sun set. Maybe Charlie was on to something about the weather being cold. Jamie switched all his leashes to one hand and reached for Nate, taking his left hand and stuffing it in Jamie’s right pocket. Jamie’s hand was huge around Nate’s. And so warm. Nate sighed internally at the sweetness. Why couldn’t Jamie have been the one? Why did fate have to make them so different and yet so much the same?
“Put your other hand in your hoodie pocket with the leashes. The critters won’t mind. They have fur. Night gets cold here. By November we’ll be in the thirties every night.”
Nate did as he was told, enjoying the way Jamie’s hand cupped his, and his closeness. He was so warm. Did he get just how much of a comfort it was to have him close? Even if Nate felt like shit for needing anyone.
“They are so well-behaved,” Nate whispered.
“Training,” Jamie said. “Lots of training and socialization. There are times when I have to do a dozen walks a night. This batch has all been with me a while. They keep each other in check, but if there was something big like a fox, or something that set them off, they’d probably drag me along with them.”
“How do you do it?” Nate asked after a while. They’d walked some distance and turned around, crossing the street so they could walk along the other side and give the dogs something new to sniff.
“Do what?”
“Be normal.”
Jamie laughed. “I’m not any more normal than anyone else. I have a pet goat, remember?”
“You’re quirky,” Nate admitted.
“Nothing wrong with quirky. We’d have never met if we both weren’t quirky.” Which was the truth.
Nate wondered if Jamie realized he was holding Nate’s hand. Did he get just how amazing it felt? How much Nate had dreamed of walking under the stars hand in hand with him? He’d spent years convincing himself that no matter how much he might dream of Jamie being the one, it just wasn’t possible. Being in love with a straight guy was hard enough. Add to it the fact that said straight guy was his best friend just made it worse. He feared doing anything that might change their relationship.
“Thank you,” Nate said.
“For?”
“Being you. Taking care of me. Your patience.”
Jamie smiled. “One of the few things I’m very good at.”
“I think you’re good at a lot of things.”
“Like?” Jamie prompted.
“Are you fishing for compliments?”
“Maybe.”
“I’m sure you’re very good at rangering. And you used to kick my ass all the time at WoW. Plus the critters love you. So I think you’re pretty good at rescu
es.”
“They always fight a little at first,” Jamie said.
“Huh?”
“My rescues. There’s usually some snarling, biting, and crying in the beginning. Change isn’t easy for anyone,” Jamie said. Nate didn’t think they were talking about the animals anymore. Jamie bumped his shoulder. “Time is usually a better healer than anything I can do. Sometimes you just have to wait them out. Make sure they have the basics until they are ready to ask for more.”
“How long does that normally take?”
Jamie shrugged. “Depends on where they come from and how long they’ve spent with the world damaging them.”
Thirty-seven years in Nate’s case.
They reached the house and Jamie shuffled everyone into the backyard. Nate didn’t want to let go of his hand, but he had to so they could unleash the dogs. The bags were deposited into a trashcan outside the gate. “This is compost. The bags are biodegradable. This bin gets picked up once a week, but it stinks. So I keep it away from the house.” Jamie put the batch of bags back in the cupboard by the leashes. “Just grab the bags when you take them out. Harry doesn’t usually go when we walk. He’s got a back corner I clean once a month. The dogs do though.”
“What do you do when it’s cold? Do they still stay outside?”
Jamie pointed to a shed Nate hadn’t been to yet. It was big. Sort of barn looking, but old. “It’s heated, though we don’t get all that cold. Harry usually comes inside in the winter. Matilda is always in the barn at night. I keep clean hay for her and blankets. She likes her space. Had another pony once, but that was just too much work. I’ll leave the horse rescues to Jason. If Mattie didn’t like it here so much, I’d have moved her out with Jason’s horses so she had buddies. But she seems to like the dogs. And sometimes I find her and Harry snuggled together.”
Nate put the leashes back up as Jamie handed them to him. They were all color coded with the hooks, which was brilliant.
“You tired? Or want to watch a movie? I figure we can try to get the kitties together. Maybe eat some pastries.” Jamie headed inside with Nate close behind him.
